The act of studying consists of checking Facebook.com, searching for YouTube videos, and finding new music on the internet. However, usually these do not accomplish anything besides extending study time and giving you an excuse to say you got less sleep than the other Whitman student. You were “studying so late last night.” This continuous system ramps up the stress. If this sounds like you, I have a couple videos that will help you distress through laughter and confusion.

My technique for doing well in school is busts of hard studying and watching videos that do not make sense to most people. These videos have been scientifically proven by the neuroscientists and psychologists of Dr. Steve Brule, Eric Wareheim, and Tim Heidecker. By studying for a solid 25-35 minutes then watching one to two of these under 5 minute videos, your brain will absorb the delicious content while making your mind health and happy. You can think of these videos like an apple, but not a candied apple, doctors do not approve of those.

Go to Adultswim and look for donkey-is-mans-best-friend: http://www.adultswim.com/videos/check-it-out-with-dr-steve-brule/donkey-is-mans-best-friend/

Go to adultswim and look for dr-steve-brule-green-grocer: http://www.adultswim.com/videos/tim-and-eric-awesome-show-great-job/dr-brule-your-green-grocer/

Search for Universe-Tim and Eric on Youtube and it is the second one: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=2G0Q7ygC2CU

Search for Griddleman on Youtube and it’s the first video: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=q95-6MFoNBQ

Search T&E on Youtube and it is the first link: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=7x_usQD33Xw

Search Legend of the Pipers on Youtube and it is the first link: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=mDTF0hF1ZEM

If you search Dr. Steve Brule or Tim and Eric on Youtube then any of the videos will be the perfect mental reset and some even give you great ideas.

One final one is Brother to Brother Dr. Steve Brule: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=mldDHI9l1v8

The one aspect this country of America really holds above everything else is sports. That’s why NASCAR has 75 million fans and no one watches soccer. Football has been America’s love since day one except for baseball. It is a different story. Baseball is America’s pride and glory.

However, at Whitman, a real sport rules the campus. I’m not talking about Whitman’s 40-year-undefeated football team which has won over hearts of the many passionate soccer lovers. It’s not the DIII sports either. Some examples: Soccer isn’t fun and games, it’s neither fun nor a game. To current day knowledge, soccer still hasn’t become a sport. The baseball team doesn’t play games, do they? I hear they just drink beer and sometimes go to class. Other sports like basketball and tennis do quite well… for DIII competition. Varsity Nordic is one of the sports that almost makes it above the rest. They are all about the comedy and fun, and they appreciate when you laugh at them. They definitely provide better entertainment than the other sports on campus. Are there even more teams here at Whitman? Do we have a cross country team or even a swim team? If so, I have never seen a “meet” (what they call competition, still DIII). The real sport is Ultimate, the only DI team.

You have probably heard of them or heard them yelling, “less GOOOO SWWWWEEEEEETTTTSSSSSSS!” or “Twende Sweets.” They play pick-up (a friendly competition that allows everyone to join in) on Fridays. You do not have to worry about messing up because everyone is willing to help. However, when the real practices occur, you can see six-foot, 185-pound males throwing their bodies five feet in the air to catch the flatball (disc). If you look close enough you can probably see their fat jiggle. Or you will see 5’6”, 130 pounds of female huckin’ the disc 80 yards down field for the deep cut to catch in stride. Quite a sight to see, I must say. It is the only sport that keeps my attention for more than 10 minutes. If I am on adderall, I can probably watch baseball for 11 minutes and soccer for 10 and a half.

If you get close enough to the chill Ultimate players, you will hear them spitting terminology that just vibes (some terminology one said) excitement. I once heard some flatballers describing a play and it was rad. It went something like this: “‘Did you see that play where Janimal hammered the disc down field to the deep cutter to sky his defender with a bid and complete the Greatest by hitting his teammate in the endzone.’ ‘He totally is UR BOOOOIIIIIIIIIII! Such a legend. Definitely will win the Callahan this year.’” I don’t even know what that means! It sounds better than “The quarterback throws the pigskin (gross, pigs suck and their skin does too) to the wide receiver and he runs out of bounds.” If you have the ball, the idea is not to run out of bounds, dumbass. Even I know that. Football sucks, and the reason Whitman’s team has been undefeated is because we do not have one. And thank goodness we don’t have one because I’d transfer. I will repeat, football sucks, but the worst announcing is soccer. All the announcers are British and don’t make sense. Plus, it’s stupid to pass the ball backwards. This is why Ultimate is known around campus as the greatest sport ever! Ask anyone. There is even a question on the Common App asking if people know how to throw a disc, and if you don’t then I’m quite surprised. I can usually tell the vibes of campus based on how many discers are out S-ing the D (slinging the disc). The more the better; campus just flows when the D is being tossed.

So there it is, Ultimate is the greatest sport at Whitman. To make it even for all the other sports teams, Whitman made it a club sport (girls freeze tag, I mean lacrosse, is even a school sport). The Whitman staff were scared it would cause Whitman to be a one sport school. It’s probably the one good decision the administration has made, besides taking out football. Beware other sports, make sure to hunker down cause Ultimate is here and in full stride.

I once knew a boy named Tom. He was an interesting kid. I swear if I ever penetrated his mind it would be different than everyone else’s. So I asked him, “Why do you do those things you do?”

His response dumbfounded me and persuaded me to think differently.

“I think, therefore I do,” he said. Tom wanted people to understand him. However, when you decide to do everything you think of, a strange representation begins to materialize.

He gave me an example: “I remember one time when I was walking through the park, I thought, ‘wouldn’t it be interesting if I slapped this woman across the face.’”

Well, the woman, who was wearing jogging shorts and a Led Zeppelin t-shirt, was United States Congressional representative, Ileana Ros-Lehtinen, so what could have been a seemingly simple encounter turned into a terrible screeching horror. Tom thought, so he could not turn back. His mind made him get fully torqued, ready to swing at Ileana. The slap came out of nowhere for Ileana, which is a surprise because she is on the Foreign Affairs Subcommittee on Middle East and North Africa and usually ready for anything. Tom tried to slap lightly, but his full swing ended up twisting Ileana’s head around like the girl in “The Exorcist” and her body pretzeled in flight. Ileana, looking like a broken cripple kicked to the ground, looked up at Tom speechlessly for only one second, allowing Tom to apologize.

However, with no time to explain, Tom was deafened by Ileana’s hateful scream, “Are you fucking kidding me? Fuck you asshole. Good luck in jail.”

The brief encounter stunned Tom and an awkward silence fell as shocked bystanders glared. Tom felt his heart racing and his head coming up with another action. If he were to think, “I should go over and kick her in the gut while saying, ‘No, fuck you. Don’t you remember! You stole my life,’’’ then Tom’s time in jail would cause other problems for his body.

Then, Tom thought of the best thing in the world… DAVID BOWIE. Although Tom may not come across as a very talented singer, his voice can make songbirds sound like ass farts. Without hesitation, Tom became the spotlight. With the crowd already awestruck, their jaws unhinged with the notes ‘Let’s dance! Put on your red shoes and dance the blues,’ and the image of Tom starting to dance toward Ileana. Tom put his hand out for the Congresswoman and surprisingly she took it without understanding why. The tension broke and people’s moods changed. Tom succeeded in evolving the scenario from a first-movie Neville to the Death Eater killer.

This brief encounter was one of many situations in which Tom really fucked up. There are many more where his thoughts caused treacherous actions and possible arrests. At other times, however, his mind caused him to save people by jumping in front of trains. In this specific encounter, the outcome from a violent outbreak turned into Ileana and Tom becoming friends. After learning about Tom’s lack of free will, their friendship bloomed and Ileana actually tried to limit the free will of her actions. She has gained respect from other representatives by doing the unspeakable.

Although Tom’s actions tend to have severe consequences, he is thankful for his ability.

Tom once said, “It is not how you should act, but how you should think, for your thoughts should be good and your actions better.”

Wise words from a wise Bruce Lee because Tom stole that quote (that fuckhead).

Bacon. The future of food, and the life source for 99 percent of the world population. But is bacon really that good? Bacon is little more than fat, a miniscule amount of meat and the image of a dead pig. Imagine little pink pigs with tiny spiral tails, add blood splatters, a stake for the head while removing the eyes, and have that blank dead stare eat away at your soul. Science has spoken: Pigs are the most disgusting animal on the planet. So why do we like to eat them so much?

When we capture pigs, farmers take machetes and hack off their hind legs as they squeal in agony. After the hind legs have been removed, farmers often laugh at them trying to roll in the mud. To release the pigs from this world, the farmers take a hammer or blunt object and smash in their skull. This is the technique in slaughtering pigs. Mud stays in a pig’s bloodstream for up to a month. Science has spoken: Eating food off the ground is not healthy and neither is eating food with mud on or in it.

Bacon has gotten enough attention. Now, the camera zooms out and turkey enters as undercover brother to stop bacon madness. It has all the benefits of bacon without the downsides. Turkeys are funny-looking animals and look even funnier when they are dead and cut into small thin slices and fried on the skillet. Whenever a nice skillet of turkey bacon is cooking, I hear a big bellied laugh from my good neighbor, David Bowie. Then we slap hands and fall in love with life again. It even has more meat and less fat. The healthier choice — more meat always means more love. Life is supposed to be satisfying, but how can it be when bacon fat clogs your arteries? It’s quite unpleasant when all you want to do is move your arm, but your artery is clogged and that push pin feeling is making you want to tear your skin off. Turkey bacon is the new love and the fresh, hip, younger brother bringing goodness back into the world. Turkey sure brings happiness to the United States.

Thanksgiving is a time where turkey controls the United States. When describing Thanksgiving to foreigners, I often start out by drawing a gigantic turkey. Then I draw out a map of the United States and the turkey’s brain waves making the U.S. population dance. Everyone sits down to eat turkey just once a year and loves it. We need more turkey. To turn it into bacon is more revolutionary than the Revolutionary War. Benjamin Franklin wanted the turkey to be the national bird and he is one of the great humans of America. No one wanted the pig to be the national animal. Also, America, our one pride and joy liquor is whiskey, and when a brand, Wild Turkey, decides to have turkey in the name, then turkey is the realist, most awesome bird.

Undercover cops can stop a lot of crime when in the right place. Clogged arteries are creators of crime in the United States and bacon is the perpetrator. To rid this country of the problem, we need to rid our country of pigs and gather our turkeys. This nation was built on turkeys and thanks and giving. Now is the time to gather our undercover brother and save the nation. Turkey Bacon is the peace, love and hope this country needs.

The United States loves to make things big. That is why we have Texas. So let’s bring turkey bacon to the universe. Well, the universe is really enormous so that will not happen. However, I love America’s big thinking and the creativity. When the United States adopts turkey bacon as its love, pride and country symbol, the message will be spread. The world will hear the message, and turkeys will be raised with love and slaughtered to satisfy the desire for turkey bacon. So I ask you not what you can do for your country, but what you can do for your health, love and taste buds. Turkey bacon shall rule the world.