Author Archives | Reed Hendrickson

Orcas found to be conspiring to destroy all of humanity

Through the making of “Blackfish,” a movie about the entrapment of orca whales (part of the dolphin family), dolphin psychologists and neurologists have been studying the effects of tight enclosures on the orca’s brain chemistry. By implanting electrodes in the mind of the orca, these scientists are able to see the electrical chemistry in the brain of the dolphin. The brains of the recently captured sea inhabitants when compared to the brains of those long held in captivity show a significant difference.

Many plausible theories have been established by scientists as to what happens. Some believe that it is a normal change that occurs with age. Others believe it is the farmed fish that trainers have been feeding them. However, with the occurrence of more deaths by orcas in recent years, one scientist, Albanu Hariut, posed an interesting idea. Instead of compiling a list of physiological changes, Hariut started to listen to what the orcas were saying in their free time.

By creating a program to record the sound vibrations in the water, Hariut saw the increase in waves between the old orcas and new orcas. Like humans, orcas learn from experience and have a highly intellectual language. Hariut believes the elder orcas are passing their experiences in the tanks down to the recently captured orcas. Since living in a tank would be horrible, Hariut believes a rebellion has been started and that is why there have been more orca attacks. Hariut believes the strategy of the orcas is to surprise the victims so that it looks like an accident. The surprise attacks keep the trainers believing that it is a random occurrence. Furthermore, Hariut seems to have been able to decode some of the sounds discovering that all of the attacks are ordered of the Grand Orca Poombah. Hariut describes Poombah as a god to the orcas. Poombah uses the planned attacks to slowly show their dominance as the top mammal.

Although this theory has not been accepted as the truth, many scientists are leaning towards the theory. With the release of “Blackfish” in theaters and on DVD, a huge societal movement is occurring. Huge lawsuits against Sea World and other water zoos are in progress.

However, most environmental scientists are not part of the lawsuits, creating a new theory that people are just trying to get free money. These lawsuits have proven an environmental scientist’s theory that people really have not been part of the Green Movement but rather are trying to make money. The scientists describe the Green Movement as a way to help improve the condition of our earth and the living species. However, when the general public is questioned about the Green Movement, each person talks about the color of money and whether or not there are ways to make fast money.

Through all this, orca dolphins have proven humanity is doomed and death by envious greed will occur sooner than planned by human psychologists. By losing contact with the purity of nature, humans are stuck in their world of ignorance. However, few have developed a connection to the orca dolphins believing that they can interpret the sounds from each orca. Mr. Dr. Professor Christopherson has interpreted one orca who said, “Humanity will perish from their own disasters, Mother Earth will cover Her cuts and the world will evolve into greatness.”

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Whitman College Poetry Society presents: Heedson Redrick’s brilliant ‘Poems of Punishment’

Sincerity
A concept so important
Yet so rarely true
When you sit down on a stump to think
Does the term really describe you?
One’s own ego tends to create a stink

Only in small doses
Sincerity tries to show itself
Fluctuating between real and fake
The idea of it flummoxes me
One shall feel themselves
Before being able to feel other’s
Deceit

Fulfillment
The completeness of human is an important aspect of life
A larrikin needs to be foolish
So there is April Fool’s Day
A politician needs to argue
So there is a division of political parties
A lawyer needs to quarrel
So there are politicians that break their own laws
A couch potato needs to relax
So there is the National Relaxation Day
By creating specific aspects of society,
Each person targeted to be fulfilled at least one day a year

Deep Questions
Are you living?
How did things get here?
What is love? What is life?
Do feel the energy from the aura?
Who are you?
Where are you and where did you go?
How does life make you feel?
Are you happy or sad?
How was your break?
If a body shook, can you feel the vibrations?
How many shoes does it take to make your feet hurt?
If you had cups on your feet, do you think you could fill them with your sweat?
Is a hangnail inutile?
Can you fit 10 toothpicks in your mouth? I can.
Why do humans have two nostrils when we only have one mouth?
Who decided nose picking was wrong?

Spondulicks
The destroyer and creator of lives
The element that only grips man
And is abused by woman
Such a powerful idea
That only humans use it
The other creatures’ intelligence
Does not allow for them to use it
And that is why they will survive
While we rot with our green

Sasquatch
The protector of the Pacific Northwest
It evades people
Unless it is blurry
Then we should be very terrified
How do you kill a blurry beast?
Especially when it’s so brobdingnagian
When you try to shoot it,
Does the bullet automatically miss?
I want to meet Sasquatch

The Beach
Everyone loves the beach
Soaking up the UV rays
Feeling the cool breeze
Relaxation
Funny alcoholic beverages
With little umbrellas to keep them in the shade
The soft sand and dirt
Slipping through the toes
Boy do I love?
Sitting in my bathtub
With the window open,
Fan blowing,
Sand in the tub
Oh my, I love the outdoors

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If turds were poems; rabbits would write

Tooth, Toothi, Toothes?

Have you ever thought

What do people call multiple

Tooth, Toothi, Toothes

What makes it correct?

Like octopus to octopuses?

Octopus to Octopi

Or Octopus to Octopussy

Nevermind, that’s a James Bond movie

It must be Toothes

 

Bad Habits

Stopping bad habits is hard

Kind of like a bone

You can always try and break it

But it causes you so much pain

In the long run

Your bone will get harder

And you become strong

So break you bad habits

And become a stronger you

 

Onions

After eating two whole onions

I feel weird only eating part of one

Like my body has become adjusted to them

I must be an onion now

Made of many layers

I guess everyone is an onion

With so many intricacies

 

Knee

Let me knee you

Let me drop kick you

Right there

Very hard

Till you start to dislike it

I will pound you

With my knees

 

Sunlight Moonlight

Sun’s out guns out

I’m a douche bag

Moon out poon out

I’m a sex addict

Sun and Moon

I will Swoon

Everyone you know

Screw

How many tools does it take to screw in a light bulb?

None, they are looking in the mirror.

How many assholes does it take to screw in a light bulb?

Depends on how loose they are.

How many toes does it take to screw a pooch?

One or two

How many times can I screw you?

Depends. Will you give me consent?

 

Nice

Nice things are nice

Like spring and girls in dress

Like winter and guys being gentlemen

The little things,

Like that smurf

Like your toes

So many nice things

So please be nice

 

Watch Out by Mozoolo

My brain is like mush

I scream and they tell me hush

I am trapped

Like a burrito wrapped

Being squeezed as my guts ooze out

I am doomed no doubt

Crunch mush smukku

I will be back though they do not know who

 

Dreaming

Blood toe, bloodly toes

I feel them draining

Like it is raining

Down from above

Please don’t shove

I feel the blood

Dripping like a flood

All over my body

Don’t call me naughty

But I enjoy it

Lickety Split

 

Four Lines

Roses are red

Pickles are green

Please sit down

And watch me cream

 

Roses are red

My balls are blue

Tell me you love me

And let it be true

 

See what happens

When you call me dirty

I know it’s crazy

But I like when you hurt me

 

Daisies are yellow

Fires are red

I like to say hello

To those who give me head

 

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Poems

Dayz

Two Shoes

Make the day go

Put them on your hands

And get a work out

Or throw them in a tree

Or at a cat

Two shoes

Make the day go

 

Birds and Bees

Do the kids tell the truth?

About how babies are made

I’m not so sure

Those little rascals

And their imaginations

Thinking you have to pee

In a girl’s mouth

To make babies

But who knows

I haven’t tried it

Maybe it works

 

Hottie

Look at the hottie

With that naughty body

The other objects don’t

Look as good

But in the end

It doesn’t matter

All of them are toys

And each one has

Its special place

Spreading happiness

And light

To the corners

Of life

 

Life is a dark place

We spend most of our life

Devouring other animals

Tearing off their legs

Ripping open their breasts

Destroying their environments

To make our shitty cities

Where more death and sadness occur

We are stuck in a cycle

That’s full of irony and hypocrites

By golly gosh

The bliss in it all

Ignorance makes the world go round

 

Predictions

People try to predict the future all the time

Standing around and looking down

Pondering what is ahead for them

But most of their predictions suck

Will cars fly? Fuck no

Will the world end? Yes

But not until humanity kills it

Is 6 afraid of 7? Yes

7 8 9

However,

The real predictions come from

Simplicity

It Is So Simple

One

Fortune Cookie

Gives hope to all the rest

These objects are the only predictions

That matter in life

 

Bang Bang

Many things go “Bang Bang”

The choo choo train

Colliding into a truck

The Martial Artist

Laying down the hammer

On the small deadly child

The mini bat

Breaking the skull of the salmon

The young boy running

And tripping over the curb

These cause pain

But one doesn’t

Two people in a basement

Grinding on that wood

Dry humping that clay

 

4 Liners

Roses are read

Violets are written

How many boys

Does it take to kill a chicken

 

Blue birds fly

Grasshoppers will die

But most importantly

One must say bye

 

Toenails are hard

Brains are gooey

When you mix them together

It makes you go pooey

 

Wrist watch

The only thing you can see

When my fist is in your ass

 

Bracelets

The torture

Slowly strangling your wrists

Or your ankles

When will the pain stop?

Bracelet Awareness

Needs to be known

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Pinder arrives on Whitman campus

Pinder, the revolution college needs. If you’re scared about the teaching style of a professor or if you need  special accommodations, Pinder is the app for you. It’s like Tinder for your professors. You can match with the professor based on clothing style, first impressions (cause you really can judge a book by a cover — just like all those books you’re supposed to read for class but don’t because you realize you have no interest in them and they are pointless for your life), life interests (that the professor can go on tangential rants about) and what they expect from the students. Pinder is helping colleges become more productive. Professors love selecting the students they want in their discussion classes. They even get to decide to have an intelligent student over an idiotic one.

At Whitman College, the startup of Pinder has had some complications. During a testing period, professors had a hard time distinguishing the intellectual from the pretentious. Also, all the Whitman student test profiles had few differences between them. Pinder theorists have given thought to this interesting fact about the profiles. Some theories involved the culture of Whitman, while others articulated the sheepish nature of humanity with people wanting to be similar. However, all theorists have agreed on the fact that the diversity of the school is small. Everyone seems to wear the same clothing, be from the same socioeconomic class, have the same interests, compete against each other in their academic classes and participate in an abnormal amount of extracurricular activities. As one may have guessed, this lack of similarity was a problem, and the Pinder team almost decided against releasing the app to the Whitman Campus.

The Pinder team fixed the problem by including extra application space to separate the students. The students can now select what Greek organization, location on campus and friend group they are in. This has helped separate the independent from the dependent (alcohol related) and the politically correct to the politically incorrect. Professors are very satisfied with this second Beta (the app, not the fraternity, they are still not satisfied with Beta Theta Pi). Comments on the app have included professors being more comfortable holding late-night class in a bar or having a real symposium instead of an argument between three people in the class. The new Beta app has gotten the Pinder team more excited for a release date.

To create a more dynamic app, the Pinder team has decided to include a free match with the health center if students need to be taken care of. They got the idea from the Life Alert system. Whenever a student falls down, stumbles too much and can’t make it back home or to class, the Health Center match helps that student receive a “friend” to bring them sickly needs, transportation or a shoulder to help them make it through their troubles. The improvements exceeded administrations expectations.

Whitman faculty have asked for an expected release date due to the strong improvements. The excitement rose in a faculty meetings last week, and through some inside man, my main man David Bowie, I have heard the expected release date to be around April 20, right in time for pre-registration.+

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Twenty love poems and a song of poopy despair

Haikus:

No Fun, Period!

PMS Fuck You
No one likes you, go away
You are an asshole

Thinking Spot

I like to go poo
I sit on a small toilet
I think about you

My Special Place

Chacos are my life
Please do outdoor things with me
I go to Whitman

Jerks

Stop doing that shit
You stupid dirty ol’ bitch
I don’t fuck with you

Normal

Bubbles make me smile
You should also smile like I do
Life is happiness

Slippery When Wet

Beer in my belly
Going crazy everywhere
My brain feels funny

Love

I need to confess my love
When I hear that voice calling
Sweet David Bowie

Poems:

Magestic

The mountain sits high above the valley
The gopher looks upon the setting sun
A candle is lit in the house
A shot is taken
A man throws up
A toilet flushes

The Path

I sit alone in a 4-cornered room
Staring at candles
Wondering which one gives off the best light
I reach out to feel the flames on certain ones
And some feel better than others but I can see the flame dissipating
I start to choose one
But it doesn’t want to be the chosen one
So I sit back and lean against the wall
Too look up at the flickering darkness
And see that I have been searching
For the wrong light
And now my whole path has changed

Wisdumb

Moods change in a heartbeat
But minds change with a figure of speech

Toenails

I keep a jar of my toenails in my closet

Injuries

I tore my ligaments
And decided not to get surgery
Now I have magical powers

Gut Feeling

That gut feeling in your stomach
It makes you feel like throwing up
But you just can’t stop thinking about it
It has to be true
A prediction of a lifetime
Life can’t be real

Shaky

My knees feel shaky
I finally found the one
In the basement of TKE
Such an amazing feeling
That voice just makes the caterpillars,
turn into butterflies
I float and my wings grow,
from the Redbull I just shotgunned
I am flying above them all
No one can stop me
It’s just you and me,
all alone in that basement
You make my knees shaky,
with that voice of yours, David Bowie

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Leaves of gas by Rendrick Heeson

Life Moments

Running through the forest

A little birdy I saw

Sitting on top of a florist

Just waiting to be called

 

Deep in the meadow

A brown bee fought

Until one night

Where a spider made his kill

 

When looking down from the bridge

I could see the newts

Hoping not to touch them

For their poison not very funny

 

I want to sit on porches

And see the sun go on its run

From the minute it starts to the minute it ends

That guy over there got the bends

 

When pearls make you happy

Learn to look away

Because in the end

It only matters what you say

 

Imagination

I forgot a friend’s birthday once

In my confusion and haze

But I really am a dunce

And my day went ablaze

I threw in my pot and hoped to make a lot

Yet I looked down and saw what I thought

For in the world of imagination

Everything is real

 

Death Grips

Black

The color of the future

When I dream I see the darkness coming in

How much longer do we have?

When will the end come?

Can’t you see how crazy the world is

Before you have any worries

Just know that death can’t be postponed

 

The Being

In the evenings

I start to think about you

It makes me feel funny

Like an apple tree on acid

You know who you are

 

Understanding

You know how they say

Two bees in a plastic

Yeah, I don’t get it either

 

That Girl Next Door

Darkness

Light

As I awake, I escape from my paradise for only a moment

Till the next time I always say

You understand what I mean

It’s just like:

See you in another life

I am safe and you are too

But we need to work together

Before it is time to enter the paradise again

 

Poop

The special feeling

When 10 pounds are dropped in one sitting

Better than any workout

Best weight loss technique

The doctors don’t realize

How special shit really is

 

Time

“Time,

Goes by,

It goes on,

It don’t stop”

-Riff Raff

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Stunning revelation about Whitman’s first snowfall

Thursday November 13th

Whitman’s first snowfall.

All of the children are happy.

The ignorant Whitman students do not know the truth.

Around the end of October and beginning of November, Walla Walla’s temperature drops below freezing. This is a big hassle for the Washington State Penitentiary, forcing heating costs to rise above 200 million dollars per month. By spending this money, the penitentiary provides a room temperature (69 degrees celsius of course, no fuck you) atmosphere around the entire penitentiary during the winter months. However, the penitentiary has decided to cut costs due to Obama’s Health Care and rising gas prices. Thanks, Obama. On a different note, they now spend the amount that Whitman disburses to students with heavy need-based financial aid, so about 5,000 dollars (merit-based financial aid ends up to be around 26,000 per year). These students end up not being able to attend Whitman because their parents cannot afford it. However, this doesn’t matter because Whitman students don’t know about it or care about these students. Diversity is expensive and Whitman College is above diversity. Cheap, cheap, cheap prices. None of that expensive European shit.

So with the penitentiary putting little money into the heating system, inmates start getting really cold. Since I know science, especially heat and temperature because I am a triple Ph.D. in heat dynamics, human heat physiology and snail toe physics, cold causes strange things to happen to people’s bodies and snail toes. Goose Bumps and muscle frigidity disturbs women’s ability to have orgasms (Britannica.com). Thanks, Obama.  Naturally, the females and they get angry and pissed off, leading to “cat fights.” Disturbingly enough,  the penitentiary actually brings in feral cats and lets inmates pick a winner. This usually ends with both cats dying from the women beating them senseless after the match and a couple older inmates having a heart attack because of the horrible sounds. The male inmates then get pissed off because they don’t get equal treatment. They make weapons and LARP (Live Attacking Redneck Prisoners). LARPing consists of the males breaking out of their cells and, with their makeshift weapons, going on a free-for-all killing spree. Usually the LARPing ends with the guards throwing tear gas and smoke grenades to suppress the inmates in a humane way as to not injure any of the inmates.

After the dead bodies have been collected, the guards usually sit in a room silent and respectfully to honor the dead. Then, one more pass is made through the penitentiary to collect more dead bodies. These bodies are usually older inmates dying from the frigid cold inside the penitentiary. Thanks, Obama.When all the bodies have been collected, the guards and management do another honoring of the dead. Obama doesn’t show up for this and no national news crew comes to film the ceremony. I guess people don’t care about anything anymore. Next, the deaths are recorded in a database that sits in the cloud at some facility in the middle of Arizona because what else does Arizona have worthy to put in it. That place is a shithole. Who would want to live in a desert and in the middle of nowhere? I guess they have rocks but rocks don’t count as people.

The guards haul the bodies over to their heating sources. To make the inmates happier after the deaths, each dead body is thrown into the heater. The temperature of the entire penitentiary rises by 15 degrees Celsius to make it a solid 19 degrees Celsius, allowing for the inmates to survive for the rest of the winter season. So for a dozen lives lost, a couple ten thousand lives are saved. Give some to receive some. Or in the case of the penitentiary, burn some bodies to heat the jail cause no one wants to be cold for long, especially Whitman students. I see them booking across campus like jack rabbits with rabies chasing a little child named Reed.

(I fucking HATE jack rabbits and I hate rabies even more.)

When each person is burned, their ashes end up leaving the heating tower and Walla Walla gets its “snowfall.” The Whitman students celebrate the snowfall while the real truth hides on the outskirts of town. The children roll up ashballs and throw them at each other. Little do they know they are throwing fully grown human remains at each other. It’s quite impressive when you think about. The ashes help the farmers by giving the wheat fields and vineyards lots of fresh nutrients. The best part is watching a Whitman student dance around to “Shake It Off” while catching the ashes in their mouth. Such a joyful sight to see such happiness with all the death. What a wonderful world, Obama. A truly wonderful world.

Ignorance really is bliss.

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Traditions: The Only Thing Sacred to US

backpage_hernandez_americantraditions_issue11

Illustration by Lya Hernandez.

Traditions: the keys to keeping everything moving smoothly. When traditions are broken, society loses track of what it needs to do. Tradition is how this country has been functioning for the last couple hundred years.

The United States has the oldest written Constitution in the world. Due to its ultimate power, America has never lost a war. We won World War II with our own strategy and destroyed the chaos in the world. The Civil War was won by America and the Constitution helped keep the country together. The Revolutionary War was won by the Constitution before it was even written. The strength in our constitutional tradition is incredible. Wars just keep winning themselves. Osama was killed and the British suck. Our country has been running on the Constitution for too many years for it not to be perfect.

Recently, citizens of the United States have started questioning the way America is being run. It looks as if these 200 year-old traditions are going to change because of a few damn hippies and some insane junkies. It is frightening the sane creatures of America. Our traditions do not need to change. They are perfect.

These insane ideas of change must be the result of the epidemic of hallucinogenic drug addiction. America used to drink alcohol, but with the creation of LSD and other hallucinogens like ecstasy and even marijuana, people now think our government is being run by a bunch of rich white males. Well, it has been run by white males for over 200 years, and our country did just fine — no problems at all. What does capitalism even mean anymore? The tax on the rich is ridiculous because they are the ones who make the jobs. Without jobs, cash can’t flow to the poor and capitalism doesn’t work. Ever heard of social Darwinism? Work hard and get rich! When we decide not to elect a 60-plus year-old white male as our president, our country falls 16 trillion dollars in debt, gas prices rise, we get universal health care and people pretend that climate change is a real thing!

This is bullshit. First, climate change is just something some damn tree huggin’, pot smokin’ hippie made up so that people wouldn’t seem so selfish. Just stop with the ice caps melting. If they are, then good, because I won’t have to put ice cubes in my scotch anymore. Two, we are NOT Canada, so why did we implement universal health care? I don’t want to pay for other people’s health care with my own precious hard-earned money. Fuck, make my walls bigger around my 250 million dollar property because they are only five feet tall right now and I can see over them. I want America back!

Now that my America has been taken from me (I was here first), the only great thing going for me besides being people I am a white male (but I don’t have any extra privileges) is Whitman College. Our Board of Trustees is filled with rich white people, most of whom are males. These people love having cheap gas prices and have been investing money in oil companies for decades. The majority of the student body is from upper-class families and the diversity is at an all-time low. It’s perfect. Then, our president is the cherry on top of the white whipped cream on top of the vanilla cake: He is a senior white male, most likely upper-class (I am just glad he is a white elderly male). He wears bow ties instead of regular ties, which makes him super classy. Wait, now I am getting news that he has left? Well fuck, Whitman College is divesting from traditions. This college is getting flushed along with the rest of America. Oil companies won’t be sending money to support the rich white students with more “financial” support. The traditions of Whitman make it what it is, for our traditions are the only things sacred to us.

John Stuart Mill said, “Society stops progressing when people stop questioning the way society functions,” or something like that. Well, Mr. Mill was wrong, because if society functions well, then why is there any need to progress? The traditions we keep cause society to function. Without tradition, there would not be a Christmas, a Thanksgiving, a Father’s Day, a Halloween or a New Year’s Eve. Yes, without traditions there are fewer reasons to drink and people will start to get unhappy. Believe me, I’m a doctor.+

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Poems with Rendrick Heeson

DAILY activities

In the middle of the year of the middle age,
Of a large bee decided it was his destiny to sit down upon that tree
The tree wanted to see what the bee would do so he took a chance and went poo.
Where that poo fell stood a beast not much bigger than a priest.
But because of all the yeast inside the teeth he could not find his peace.
Therefore upon the middle hour of the morning hour a sight was seen as I peered over the fence.
In a breeze I could feel the wind,
However I pinned
Then dropped to my buttock,
This was a day in the middle of a middle,
This was a day where I went to the zoo.

My Favorite

On my sun happiness I saw a prick,
I decided to call him a dick
He was not happy but this pleasured me
Just like when I pee
But not as much as I drop that doo doo
Cause I pump out that poo poo
Much more than a large large large
In that stupid stupid stupid Mahhardge
but what you did not know
I could not say
For this world was not fit to show
What you wanted to play
In the beauty of the day
I could have hit the kilamayhey
Poo Poo Doo Doo Loo Loo mah hoo hoo
I like cheese

Roadtrips

Violets are blue
Roses are Red
I like eyelids
and Roadhead

A poem about my Dreams

Tickle me Pink
And I’ll Tickle you too
I want you to sit on my face
and then go poo

Noises

When I look down yonder,
I imagine all the things
That get tossed down under
Do the creatures will call
From beneath the wall
Or do they seek the weak
and crawl through to meet you
They never are scary but seem to manipulate
It’s so crazy when they stipulate
How the world will end
When there is no Heaven
Or Hell… Do I know
For the Creatures are my friends
And their ideas spark new thoughts within me
So how can I know if they really do exist
When all of them are always in the mist

How I Brainstorm

Whenever I write these poems
I always think of you naked
Just Kidding
I don’t get nervous
But I do imagine you naked a lot

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