Aries

On Tuesday, you will get a faint feeling that can only be reminiscent of the moments leading up to taking the Fitness Pacer Test. 

Leo

You will run out of toilet paper at the most inopportune time.

Cancer

On Wednesday, you will receive and ignore an old-fashioned chain email. You will forget about it until Friday night, when you will begin to have rotten luck for the next seventeen years. So long, glory days!

Pisces

This week, you will have the honor of having a seventh grader write a Wattpad fanfiction about your life.

Scorpio

Your week ahead can only be described as “chaotic evil.” 

Taurus

On Friday, you will have a vivid dream that the past two months were fake, and you will awaken the next day thinking it was real life. How sad. 

Sagittarius

You will be haunted by an image from your past of the puberty variety all day on Monday.

Gemini

In passing, a stranger will tell you you have “crab hands,” and you will spend the rest of your Thursday thinking about it. 

Virgo

On Tuesday, your mother will “accidentally” stumble upon your diary. She will relentlessly ask you who a “plug” is. 

Libra

By no choice of your own, a psychic will eat up your Friday predicting that your most trusted prophet will come to be your therapist.

Capricorn

On Wednesday, you will stub your toe on every doorframe of your house.

Aquarius

You will be convicted of being a “huge gossip” by your father on Friday. He will tell you this as he whispers about “Lou from work being a huge stinker.”

• Learn “Riptide” by Vance Joy on the ukulele. It’s literally never been done before!
• Take the SATs again. I hear misery likes company!
• Figure out what jazz music tastes like.
• Finally research what Bitcoin was really all about.
• Learn how to macrame. It’s knitting’s slutty cousin!
• Die from alcoholism by taking a shot each time you swipe left on someone with the Tinder bio “If Corona doesn’t take you out, can I?”
• Read War and Peace, and then write a book report on how the novel compares to the character Warren Peace from the hit film Sky High. Is the book as sultry as the man?
• Rename your grandparents. Frontrunners include Shminky (grandmother) and Boobop (grandfather)!
• Rank all of your friends and then “accidentally” leak it on Twitter.
• Booby trap your entire house, and tell none of the people you live with.
• Paint a self portrait inspired by Picasso’s “Blue Period.” It will be so fitting. 

Aries

On Tuesday, you will get sent to your room for “being too honest.”

Leo

This week, everything you eat will taste faintly of quail.

Cancer

On Monday, you will stumble upon your dad saying “huge galangas!” and will never get the context for it. 

Pisces

Itching to buy something new, you will order a pair of rose-colored sunglasses. By Thursday, they will arrive in the mail completely shattered, and you will spend the rest of the week contemplating the meaning behind this. 

Scorpio

On Monday, you will try to bake a cake for your mother. You will mistakenly mix in ipecac instead of vanilla, and she will wretch and scold you until Friday. Pesky bottles shouldn’t look so similar!

Taurus

You will sign up for a very expensive mystery MasterClass on Wednesday. You will log on to find that your professor is Nicolas Cage reprising his role of Benjamin Franklin Gates from the hit film National Treasure. Sit back and enjoy him lecturing for five and a half hours on Watergate!  

Sagittarius

On Thursday, you will be told by a stranger that you bear a striking resemblance to Chowder from the hit animated series Chowder.

Gemini

As if entranced by a spell, the only words your hands will be able to write on Wednesday will be “Size Matters!”

Virgo

On Friday, you will be on the verge of telling your family a very personal truth but will be overshadowed by the dog licking his ass for the fourth time that day.   

Libra

You will try to upcycle a pair of pants on Thursday by cutting them into shorts. You will get distracted and “accidentally” make the pair of assless-chaps you definitely haven’t been dreaming about…

Capricorn

A deeply repressed memory of your first middle school dance will come back to haunt you on Wednesday and will linger till Saturday.

Aquarius

On Tuesday, you will have the brilliant idea to store goldfish in your mask as you are out and about in order to continually snack. You will choke as soon as you leave the house.

Dear Ethel,

Maybe it’s quarantine, or maybe I’m just finally coming to my senses. I won’t beat around the bush: My boyfriend smells absolutely horrendous. I can’t really describe it, but it’s almost…tangy? I don’t know, it’s just awful. I’ve tried dropping hints, but nothing seems to stick. I don’t want to be mean and tell him to his face, but at this point, it is bringing me physical pain. What do I do, Ethel?

My nose thanks you,

Pee-ew Pamela

Pee-ew Pamela,

Come to your “scentses,” you have! This is no foreign problem to me. Remember back in the day before there was plumbing? Yes, a trying time it was, and it certainly didn’t help that my beau at the time was the guy in charge of scraping off the moat. However, loyal as I am, I stood by my man, no matter how it hurt my schnoz. Day and night I would stuff mustard seed up my nostrils to quell his musk. When my sinuses finally collapsed, I decided enough was enough. I sat my fella down, and I told him, “darling, you smell!” He gave me a half-smile and replied, “I know, dear, we all do.” The poor soul was always too literal! I realized I could never get through to him through traditional means, and I am expecting the same with your lover. I thought long and hard, and finally, Eureka! I remembered that my love was best friends with the troll who resided under our neighborhood bridge. It was always “riddle me this” and “riddle me that.” And thus, inspiration struck: The only way my betrothed would understand my needs was if it were posed in a puzzle of words! A limerick was my only option. I sat him down, looked him in the eyes and recited the rhyme I had spent days toiling away at. It was as if he had been struck by 1000 bushels of lavender after that day. And so, my swan, I shall offer to you the very lines that once saved both my heart and my nose: 

Eric, how unpleasant is your musk

That I shall wretch from dawn till dusk

I heave, I gag

I rush for a bag

And dream to stab you with a tusk.

He should get the message loud and clear.

You’re welcome,

Ethel