Aries

On Tuesday, you will get sent to your room for “being too honest.”

Leo

This week, everything you eat will taste faintly of quail.

Cancer

On Monday, you will stumble upon your dad saying “huge galangas!” and will never get the context for it. 

Pisces

Itching to buy something new, you will order a pair of rose-colored sunglasses. By Thursday, they will arrive in the mail completely shattered, and you will spend the rest of the week contemplating the meaning behind this. 

Scorpio

On Monday, you will try to bake a cake for your mother. You will mistakenly mix in ipecac instead of vanilla, and she will wretch and scold you until Friday. Pesky bottles shouldn’t look so similar!

Taurus

You will sign up for a very expensive mystery MasterClass on Wednesday. You will log on to find that your professor is Nicolas Cage reprising his role of Benjamin Franklin Gates from the hit film National Treasure. Sit back and enjoy him lecturing for five and a half hours on Watergate!  

Sagittarius

On Thursday, you will be told by a stranger that you bear a striking resemblance to Chowder from the hit animated series Chowder.

Gemini

As if entranced by a spell, the only words your hands will be able to write on Wednesday will be “Size Matters!”

Virgo

On Friday, you will be on the verge of telling your family a very personal truth but will be overshadowed by the dog licking his ass for the fourth time that day.   

Libra

You will try to upcycle a pair of pants on Thursday by cutting them into shorts. You will get distracted and “accidentally” make the pair of assless-chaps you definitely haven’t been dreaming about…

Capricorn

A deeply repressed memory of your first middle school dance will come back to haunt you on Wednesday and will linger till Saturday.

Aquarius

On Tuesday, you will have the brilliant idea to store goldfish in your mask as you are out and about in order to continually snack. You will choke as soon as you leave the house.