I love Chinese food, but finding vegan low-cal mu shu pork is so hard in New Haven! Everybody knows what I’m talking about. Finally, however, thanks to the Sean Combs of up-and-never-coming white female tween YouTube stars, our prayers for no-calorie wholesome Chinese (chow) fun have been answered. Her name is Alison Gold, and her parents are who I wish my parents were because no one has paid for my YouTube stardom. Alison makes Orientalism (chow) fun, and it’s been hundreds of years since someone has done that successfully! She touches on all the important parts of Chinese culture, like pandas, fortune cookies, geishas, and the Oriental Avenue spot on the monopoly board. But honestly I find that problematic because Oriental Avenue is so ghetto. She’s like a modern day Marco Polo, totally exploring the East and all the silk it has to offer. I’ve heard China is taking over the economic world, and I completely agree because Alison’s going to have more views than a Chinese phone book.

THE INSTITUTION OF MARRIAGE IS OVER. AND IT’S NOT THE FAULT OF THE GAYS. BRUCE AND KRIS JENNER ARE DONE AND BECAUSE OF IT I’M NOT STUDYING FOR FORMAC. JUST WHEN WE THOUGHT THE GOVERNMENT SHUTDOWN WAS IMPORTANT, THIS HAPPENED AND HONESTLY WHO GIVES A FUCK ABOUT THE UNITED STATES OF AMERICA? ALL I CARE ABOUT IS THE SANCTITY OF KARDASHIAN MARRIAGE AND I’VE HAD ENOUGH KARDASHIAN SEPARATION THESE PAST FEW MONTHS WITH LAMAR’S BULLSHIT. THE KARDASHIANS HAVE BEEN THROUGH TOO MUCH. KENDALL IS OUT OF THE HOUSE LIVING IN MALIBU BUT WHAT ABOUT KYLIE? WILL KENDALL COMPLETELY DETACH HERSELF FROM HER KARDASHIAN SIDE? KRIS JUST WANTS TO HAVE LUNCH WITH HER DAUGHTER, BUT KENDALL JUST WANTS TO DO OUTDOORSY STUFF WITH BRODY. KYLIE HAS THE COOLEST TUMBLR, BUT WILL SHE NOW POST MORE SAD DRAKE LYRICS? IT’LL BE LIKE KYLIE’S SWEET SIXTEEN NEVER HAPPENED BECAUSE IN HINDSIGHT IT WASN’T SWEET IT WAS JUST SAD BECAUSE NOW KRIS AND BRUCE ARE DONE. HOW MANY MORE KIDS WILL BRUCE HAVE? WILL HE MAKE ANOTHER SEX TAPE WITH A NEW WIFE AND NAME HIS NEW KIDS BRYAN, BRADY, AND BRYCE? I DON’T KNOW BECAUSE EVERYTHING I’VE KNOWN TO BE TRUE IS NOW A LIE. I UNFOLLOWED KIM, KOURTNEY, AND KHLOE ON INSTAGRAM TO KEEP MY RATIO SATISFACTORY, BUT  I FEEL LIKE I SOMEHOW CAUSED THIS SEPARATION AND AM NOW FOLLOWING THEM BACK IN HOPES THAT MAYBE THEY’LL RECONSIDER.

HOW MUCH WEIGHT WILL ROB GAIN?

Finally you can feel safe.

Can you not wait until Kappacalypse? Are you missing your daily dose of Kappa girls? If you can’t and are, keep reading. If you can and aren’t, go die because you won’t be invited to Kappa Crush. I love Kappa as much as the next guy. And the only thing I love more than Kappa, is a newsfeed full of photos of Kappa girls with s’mores and Kappa girls in libraries. That’s why I follow @YaleKappa on Instagram. If you’re not concerned with your following-to-followers ratio or are just waiting for them to follow you back so that you can unfollow them and they won’t notice, follow these radiant girls. You won’t regret it, I kappromise you.

Toad’s has an AOL email account! NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO! Help me start raising money so that they can make the switch to a free Gmail account. They need us, just as we need them to enter 2013. I’ve got mail, but I don’t the have the Google+ friend I’ve always wanted. Help us help you, Toad’s!

This is a public service announcement paid for by the ladies of Pi Beta Phi in conjunction with Highlighter Party 2013. 

It’s a literal town-gown ho-down!

On a fateful 21st of August, BuzzFeed ranked Yale University the 5th most “Scenic College Campus That Was Made For Instagram” and thank God they did, because me and Theta have been preaching that for months. But it was back in June when Yale really became the 5th most special college campus in the world. June marked the creation of Yale Football’s Instagram.

Now you may be asking yourself, “Yale has a football team?” and my answer is kind of. If there’s one thing I’ve learned from Catfish, it’s that social media makes you legitimate IRL so yes actually, Yale does have a football team. And if they’re anywhere near as good at football as they are at Insta, I see a World Series or something in their future. I promise, follow @yale_football on Instagram and all of your wildest men-in-spandex related dreams will come true. (@jessicasykosis’s got you covered with your woman-in-spandex related dreams.)

Today is a very important day for the state of Connecticut. Today we vote on our favorite late night snack spot. Only three people have voted so far, but Her Campus is thrilled because that’s up 300% from last week. With record turnouts, who knows if Popeye’s will be able to pull through with a last minute win? Exercise your American right and get out the vote!

Remember Victoria Marshman? If you do, ugh I love you, but if you don’t, she was that chick from Yale on America’s Next Top Model Cycle 9. She was not given the opportunity to still be in the running towards gracing the cover of Seventeen magazine and winning a Kia Sorento because of her less than 3% body fat and 5 foot long legs. NO! She made it to Hollywood because the hallway between Bass and Sterling is a literal catwalk. They say practice makes perfect, and lord knows she practiced her strut at 11:47pm for four straight goddamn years.

That hallway is a breeding ground for budding models. We Yale women (and men) walk that runway like our Intro to Art History grade depends on it! Let’s give a round of applause to not only the architect for perfecting that incline, but also to the structural engineer who made it an actual wind tunnel. Beyoncé’s wind machine my ass! This wind is natural, and that’s the way we Yalies like it. So if you’re feeling particularly down about your bombed Bain interview, look no further. Head  to Sterling library at 11:30pm, wait until the loudspeaker tells you to GTFO and get your game face smize on. You may not be America’s Next Top Model, but you are definitely Yale’s.

Bursar:  to use a parent’s credit card to buy absolutely whatever.

“Oh my god, let’s bursar drinks at 116 Crown tonight,” Kailey suggested after a particularly dramatic fight with her boyfriend in front of the SAE house.

“Fab idea, except my parents were kinda PO-ed about that trip last week to Ultra. Literally fuck me!” exclaimed Claire.