Yesterday afternoon, President Salovey, along with several other college presidents, attended a White House summit that addressed college opportunities for low-income high-school students.

The Obama administration praised both Yale and the New Haven Promise scholarship program, citing the later as a model program for bringing higher-education opportunities within reach for low-income families.

At the after-party, the best minds in academia got so drunk they puked.

The End.

Yale’s Arts and Architecture library is in need of a serious makeover. A makeover as dramatic as Britney Murphy’s in Clueless.

Do Less:

1) CÁLMATE with the drinks rule.

In case you haven’t noticed, people still drink coffee in there. As one of Yale’s hottest seniors put it, “I either have to risk third degree burns or spill coffee all over my backpack just to stay awake in a library that frustratingly closes at 11pm anyway.”

2) That orange carpet.

It has to go. Its distracting and it’s not “artsy,” or “architecture-y,” it’s just weird.

3) Three card swipes to enter

One swipe seems to do the trick for every other library.

4) The in and out mechanism.

Am I boarding the subway? That low-standing metal bar can’t stop me, it just wastes my very, very precious time.

5) All the books about art and architecture.

We get it, okay? We know you grad students like reading about that stuff. But, there’s nothing in those books you can’t learn from “Picasso Baby” or “Artpop.” Jeff Koons balloons, I just wanna blow up… A+A.

 Do More:

1)   Bathroom.

One measly stall doesn’t cut it in an age where Bass has 15.

2)   Lighting.

Is it just me, or is there always some part of A+A that’s completely dark? Spoiler alert: it’s not just me.

3)   Heating.

It’s absolutely freezing in there.

4)   The mid-section.

That area behind the bookshelves that connects the two sides is like a fashion runway. Everything you do is on display, and sometimes (though not often) I’m not trying to play that game.

5)   Golf pencils at the circulation desk.

Why? If you’re going to offer that service, then spend some money on normal pencils. Or, at least provide a miniature sharpener so that we can use those little guys more than once.

Over the years, I’ve learned some things. Below, some of the things I have learned are listed. These are the meanings behind some phrases that most people never use. Enjoy!

Tongue in cheek:

In the olden days, if you wanted to signal that someone was being annoying/rude/stupid/a dick/not funny/funny without trying to be, then you could turn to a friend and poke your tongue against your cheek! Your friend would get what you were talking about.

All of a sudden:

Shakespeare invented this! In The Taming of the Shrew, one line reads, “Is it possible that love should all of a sodaine take such hold.”

Limeys:

British people are sometimes called “limeys” because they used to take limes and lemons along with them on sea voyages. The British figured out that the citrus prevented sailors from getting scurvy, so they sucked on these fruits all the time!

Cocktail:

People used to stir alcoholic drinks with rooster feathers, or a cock’s tail feather. That is why people call alcoholic drinks cocktails!

The Limelight:

Limelight is a really, really bright light that is produced when a piece of lime is heated amidst a flame that burns oxygen and hydrogen. It was used in theatre in the 1800s!

In a pickle:

A pickle is a spicy vinegar-based mixture used to preserve food. In the 15^th century, it a “pickle” came to refer to a mixture of a bunch of stuff, or a strew. Then, Billiam T.   Shakespeare coined the phrase in the Tempest, when Alonso said to Trinculo, “How camest thou in this pickle?”

Whippersnapper:

This word means a young person who acts presumptuously or is overconfident. Apparently, it is derived from the term “snippersnapper”

Wild goose chase:

Billiam T. Shakespeare invented this one too! But, it was different then, In Romeo and Juliet, Mercutio says, Nay, if thy wits run the wild-goose chase.” Back in Will’s day, this referred to a style of horse-racing in which horses follow a leader a set distance and it looks like geese flying in a V formation!

You scratch my back, I’ll scratch yours:

In the 17^th century, if you were a sailor in the British navy, you would be punished by being hit really hard on your back with a wooden board by another crew member. The saying, therefore, refers to a deal made by two sailors not to hit each other too hard, but instead to just scratch each other!

A drop in the bucket:

This is from the Bible! In Isaiah 40:15, it says, “Behold, the nations are as a drop of a bucket and are counted as the small dust of the balance.”

Posh:

Now, this word is an adjective meaning “cool.” But, it stands for Port Out, Starboard Home! When British ships travelled to India the best position to put a bed in was on the port (left) side when going to India, and on the starboard (right) side when coming home to England!

The New York Times continued its coverage of the Jonas Brother today, reporting  that the band  has officially broken up.

The Times  reported that Joe Jonas told People Magazine that “it was a unanimous decision,” that Kevin said, “it’s over for now,” and that Nick said, “It’s really hard to say ‘forever.’”

For JOBRO fans everywhere, today is a sad day. No one took the news harder than New York Times itself, a publication with an inexplicable obsession with the irrelevant boy band.

As one Times editor noted, “The office is a wreck today. The future of the Times is bleak. We’re not sure how to exist in a world without the Jonas Brothers.”

Seriously though, the New York Times needs to do less.

It’s crazy that Columbus Day is a national holiday, but there’s not much you can do about it.

So, let’s celebrate Cristobal how he would have wanted us to.

1)   Eat lots of chicken. He loved chicken.

2)   Look for Asia as hard as you can.

3)   Don’t get scurvy.

4)   Be Christian.

5)   Call your girlfriend, say it’s not her fault.

6)   Hire a cartographer

7)   Scrub the poop deck. He loved a shiny poop deck.

The New York Times reported today that the Jonas Brothers have cancelled their tour, as America’s favorite kinship is deeply divided over the band’s musical direction.

Nick, the band’s token piglet, won’t negotiate until Joe, the band’s resident meathead,  offers concessions on entitlement programs. Kevin, the ugliest Jonas, doesn’t care about music whatsoever and just wants to eat his favorite lamb sandwich in peace.

If the Jonas brothers default, we’re all screwed.

I just can’t take it anymore! Partisan fights everywhere I look! There’s just no hope left in this world if the Jonas brothers can’t make even a deal.

In all honesty, I don’t care about this and I don’t think anyone else does.

The real disappointment here is that the New York Times reported on the Jonas Brothers. There’s so much else going on in the world right now, and I don’t think anyone who bought tickets to the Jonas Brothers tour has ever read the New York Times.

This Saturday, Oct. 12, at 10 a.m., the dogs of Yale will be out and about for a meet-and-greet on Cross Campus.

While some of them declined to speak on the record, a few kind pups took some time to answer a my questions.

Portia:

Q: Who is your owner and what kind of dog are you?

A: Technically, President Salovey is my owner, but neither of us see it that way. Really, we’re just two lost souls in this big, mysterious world and we were lucky enough to have found  each other. I’m a Havanese, but I don’t subscribe to labels.

Q: Are you excited for your big debut?

A: Um, I went on an airplane once with President Salovey and his wife, so I’ve already had my big debut. And no, I’m not excited because I’m not even getting paid for this.

Q: Have you been neutered?

A: I’m still fertile if that’s what you’re asking.

Q: What is living with Peter Salovey like?

A: It’s better than a kennel, unless Mrs. Salovey is around.

Monty

Q: Who is your owner, and what type of dog are you?

A: The Law School owns me and I’m a mutt, or at least that’s what they tell me.

Q: Pumped for Saturday?

A: Hell to the yes! Gonna be so fun!

Q: What do you think of law students?

A: I object.

Aqua:

Q: Who is your owner, and what type of dog are you?

A: That’s absolutely none of your business.

Q: What makes your tail wag?

A: A pitbull with a sense of humor.

In recent study, the Yale School of Medicine made a groundbreaking discovery: with increased age comes decreased risk-taking in decision-making.

This is huge.

Up until now, the majority of scientists agreed that old people were a just a bunch of hooligans that threw caution to the wind. I think we all thought that old people never worried about their grandkids, or their cats, or their joint-pain.

No, no, no. Now we know that, as the study’s scientific director stated in an official press release, “the elderly are all pussies.”

Reportedly, upon learning of this discovery, one eighty-five year old woman thought about proving the scientists wrong, but then she decided it wasn’t worth it.

While many claim to have caught him red handed, seeing him on the counter, on the sofa, and hearing him in the shower, Shaggy promises it wasn’t him.

Still, all signs point to the artist: Shaggy happened to perform at Toad’s Place last Friday, and he has a history of bending the truth.

Without a trial, however, Shaggy remains innocent until pooping guilty.

Sleep: always a good time. Dreams, however, are hot, but they are also weird.

Restart: This involves a revolution in the United States of America. Great idea, and it could work, but everyone is so tired this week! Ugh.

Cancel: No! C’mon! You made a commitment.

Seriously though, proud of you guys in DC—putting the #over in #government.