Disclaimer: This article is a part of The Lewd, a biannual satirical project put together by The Lode staff, typically published the week before finals. Opinions presented in these articles do not reflect The Lode values.

Fourteen members of the Northern Michigan University hockey team have recently entered the transfer portal, shaking up the roster and leaving fans speculating about the team’s future. Yesterday, sources close to the program leaked the exit poll results from the athletes with the 3 top reasons for dissatisfaction being the coaching strategies, university experience, and “The Berry reeks.” 

The Wildcats have faced challenges throughout the season, struggling to maintain consistency on the ice and in the locker room. A team member placed a comment on the poll speaking to Head Coach Grant Potulny’s unique approach to coaching: “My first practice, Coach walked into the locker room with his dogs out. That incident really turned me off to the program.” Multiple comments on the report mentioned the incident labeled the “foot smelling” team bonding exercise making them uncomfortable. 

The leaked report also found that the university experience also played a role in ten of the departing athlete’s decisions. “When I signed here I thought I would be getting a good education and a shoe-in to the [National Hockey] League…” One athlete mentioned, “I got neither and figured since my hockey career was ruined I might as well go somewhere to get a real degree.” 

As to the “reeking” of the Berry, all the athletes mentioned in one way or another the foul odor dampening their experience, along with the overall setup of the facilities. One athlete mentioned “[I’m] not sure how it still stunk after they bleached the stadium twice.” Another compared the smell to Houghton’s own MacInnes Student Ice Arena. “If we could get a MacInnes scented air freshener that would really liven the place up.” Another player mentioned the awkward setup of the facility, writing, “Honestly it may seem trivial but [I left] because there is WAY too much room between the first row of seats and the glass. It makes the few celebrations we have after a goal super lame.” 

NMU athletics refused to comment on the leaked report, but NMU facilities stated they would look into the “air freshener request” to make the facility experience better for both students and athletes.

Disclaimer: This article is a part of The Lewd, a biannual satirical project put together by The Lode staff, typically published the week before finals. Opinions presented in these articles do not reflect The Lode values.

In a bold move that has sparked widespread debate within academic circles, Michigan Tech is considering replacing all of its professors with the advanced AI technology, specifically ChatGPT. The proposal would mark a significant shift in the traditional higher education landscape, raising questions about the role of technology in teaching and learning.

 ChatGPT, based on OpenAI’s GPT-3.5 architecture, is a state-of-the-art language model capable of generating human-like text and engaging in meaningful conversations across various topics. Its ability to process vast amounts of data and adapt to user input makes it an attractive candidate for automating educational content delivery.

At first glance, the idea seems futuristic and efficient– AI doesn’t need breaks, sleep or vacations. It can tirelessly deliver lectures 24/7 and is always available if a student has a question. AI also holds no bias when it comes to their students; each student will receive the same reply if asked the same question.

Another benefit to this new teaching style will be the increase in parking on campus, as there will no longer be a need for faculty parking lots. Michigan Tech plans to implement this improvement next semester.

The post Lewd special satirical article: Michigan Tech Considers Radical Move: Replacing All Professors with ChatGPT first appeared on The Lode.

Disclaimer: This article is a part of The Lewd, a biannual satirical project put together by The Lode staff, typically published the week before finals. Opinions presented in these articles do not reflect The Lode values.

Well behind schedule and significantly over budget, the new Michigan Tech dormitory project is going as smoothly as expected. Currently a massive eye sore, the dorms remain quite the work in progress but will be completed eventually. According to project manager Sunk Caust it’s all about “trusting the process,” and the result will “certainly place the dorms among some of the best here at Michigan Tech.”

The imaginatively named East Hall, which is directly downhill from the appropriately named West McNair, plans to take some of the most undesirable features from all three dorms and combine them. Caust boasted that East Hall aims to replicate West McNair’s handicapped accessibility features. This includes taking precautions such as ensuring that the building is absent of any elevators and validating that the only exits are within the center of the building structure so that in the case of an evacuation, the process can be “as stressful and dangerous as possible.” 

Additionally, Caust plans to import rats from the DHH basement to give East Hall a familiar feel. “They have an excess supply over there, so it only makes sense that we take a couple and move them over here.” Finally, East Hall plans to revive some of the most popular cuisine items from Wadsworth Hall in their new eating space. This includes the inspirational Gyro Bar and the delightful 3 p.m. Weekend Breakfast Burrito Bar. Caust emphasized that “we want students to prioritize fitness and we’re sure our menu will do just that.”

Besides incorporating features from other resident halls, East Hall will also have new features. For instance, students will now have the opportunity to leave the building via ziplines located at the North and South exits on every floor, starting from the fourth floor and above. Additionally, East Hall is taking an environmentally friendly approach to residence living. To mitigate water usage, there will be no hot water in the dorms which Caust doesn’t think will be too much of a problem because “there’s only one shower per floor and it’s not like Michigan Tech students want to shower anyways.” Unfortunately, East Hall is only available to students outside Ohio because “nobody likes Ohio.” Any questions can be directed to Dee Flection or emailed to reportasjunk@mtu.edu.

Disclaimer: The actual dorm plan can be viewed at East Hall | Residence Education and Housing Services | Michigan Tech (mtu.edu). It contains many features that contradict what was reported in this article.

The post Lewd special satirical article: Lower your expectations! East Hall (forever) remains a work in progress first appeared on The Lode.

Disclaimer: This article is a part of The Lewd, a biannual satirical project put together by The Lode staff, typically published the week before finals. Opinions presented in these articles do not reflect The Lode values.

In a strange move (that isn’t actually too strange when you recall their track record) from the University Senate, Michigan Tech’s Spring Break for 2025 has been moved up to the first week of the spring semester. The proposal to move MTU’s spring break up even further than it already is was brought to the floor by an unidentifiable shadowy figure in a cloak who remained anonymous, and only spoke to say, “Husky Up!” while holding up his hand to make a Husky-dog salute.

The proposal was unanimously approved by the senate despite the outcries of hundreds of students who will now only have the opportunity to get completely slammed during the few short days of Winter Carnival recess. Students who had been camping out overnight to protest the decision were told that while their concerns were heard, they were much too late in voicing them. It is now unfortunately completely and totally impossible for the senate to do anything about it, so they will just have to suck it up and deal with it.

The post Lewd Special Satirical Article: MTU Spring Break Moved to First Week of Spring Semester first appeared on The Lode.

Disclaimer: This article is a part of The Lewd, a biannual satirical project put together by The Lode staff, typically published the week before finals. Opinions presented in these articles do not reflect The Lode values.

Just this past week, Michigan Tech students received the worst news imaginable– beer got more expensive. Keweenaw Brewing Company (KBC), generally known for their generous pours and cheap pints, finally fell to inflation. The normally priced $3.75-pint skyrocketed in value to a whopping $30 dollars!

“This ain’t good!” says Mike Rotch, third-year chemical engineer, quite agitated and clearly suffering from severe withdrawal. “I don’t know how I’m going to make it! It’s only been two days, I can’t remember shit, I learned everything while wasted, I have seven finals next week and I can either pay rent or drink!” The situation is getting dire all across campus, even professors are taking note. A professor in the mechanical engineering department comments, “Yeah, my students are looking way more miserable than usual, and they’ve all been showing up to class. It’s like we’re in the Twilight Zone. This late in the semester I’m lucky to get five to ten out of my two hundred students, and now every single one attended.”

In addition to the general panic and abnormal student behavior, the increase in beer price has made the previously purchased “KBC Chips” highly coveted currency. Students are doing anything to get their hands on Chips. While some take to the streets of Houghton to either beg or dig through gutters in hopes of finding some, others are taking a more drastic approach. A small gang of chemical and mechanical engineering students has gotten their hands on what they are referring to as “The golden goose.” After an undercover operation performed by one of the Lode’s brave freshman journalists, it was determined that this “golden goose” was in fact the schematics to the priceless KBC Chip. Further investigation found that this gang of engineers is looking to mass produce counterfeit Chips in the near future.

The post Lewd special satirical article: Tech students outraged after KBC price increases due to inflation first appeared on The Lode.

Disclaimer: This article is a part of The Lewd, a biannual satirical project put together by The Lode staff, typically published the week before finals. Opinions presented in these articles do not reflect The Lode values.

In a shocking turn of events that has left the Michigan Technological University community in a state of disbelief, the iconic Husky mascot, Blizzard, has been expelled from the institution.

Blizzard, a cherished university icon renowned for their loyal and tenacious presence, has been found to be involved in a deep scandal after leaked photos of Blizzard and Northern’s mascot “Wildcat Willy” having an affair surfaced. 

“We at Michigan Tech are distraught and troubled by these recent events. We will at no time allow for our mascot to be sleeping with the enemy,” said a senior staff member at Michigan Tech.

“I was heading to my morning lecture when I saw Blizzard being escorted off the campus,” said a senior mechanical engineering student. “I couldn’t believe my eyes. But after hearing about the night Blizzard shared with Willy, I know Blizzard has no place at Michigan Tech.”

Students and faculty alike are hitting a wall trying to find a new mascot for Michigan Tech. 

The post Lewd special satirical article: BREAKING NEWS: Blizzard found with NMU’s “Willy” first appeared on The Lode.

Disclaimer: This article is a part of The Lewd, a biannual satirical project put together by The Lode staff, typically published the week before finals. Opinions presented in these articles do not reflect The Lode values.

In a shocking turn of events, students at Michigan Tech have been left baffled after discovering that their beloved teacher, M., has a past shrouded in controversy. The story came to light when an anonymous tipster revealed that M, whose real name is reportedly I.P. Dailey, is allegedly a fugitive wanted by the FBI for a series of bizarre crimes including assault of a cabbage, aggravated cow tipping, and stealing candy from a baby.

According to sources close to the investigation, M’s alleged criminal activities date back several years, painting a picture of a man leading a double life. The unsuspecting students and faculty were stunned to learn that the mild-mannered educator they had come to know and respect may have a dark past.

The allegations against M. stem from his purported involvement in a series of outlandish crimes, including the assault of a defenseless cabbage. Details surrounding the incident remain murky, but eyewitness accounts suggest that M. may have wielded a particularly sharp-edged wit in the commission of the crime.

Furthermore, M. stands accused of aggravated cow tipping, a crime that has baffled law enforcement officials for years. Reports indicate that M. may have been part of a clandestine group of individuals who took pleasure in tipping over unsuspecting bovines under the cover of darkness. 

Perhaps most disturbingly, M. is alleged to have stooped to new lows by stealing candy from a baby. The brazen act of theft, perpetrated against the most innocent and defenseless members of society, has sent shockwaves throughout the community.

Authorities are urging anyone with information regarding Ms whereabouts to come forward. At the center of it all stands a man whose true identity remains as elusive as ever. Parents and students alike are struggling to come to terms with the shocking truth about their once-respected teacher, whose true identity may be stranger than fiction.

The post Lewd special satirical article: Professor at local school unmasked as former cabbage assault culprit on FBI Most Wanted List first appeared on The Lode.

Disclaimer: This article is a part of The Lewd, a biannual satirical project put together by The Lode staff, typically published the week before finals. Opinions presented in these articles do not reflect The Lode values.

In a bold move that has stirred controversy among the Michigan Tech community, the administration has announced a radical plan to eliminate all commuter and metered parking lots on campus by the year 2026. In an exclusive interview with the “Dean of Parking,” John Parksalot, the rationale behind this drastic measure was revealed.

According to Parksalot, the decision to eliminate on-campus parking lots is driven by the university’s strategic plan to prioritize student housing development. “With our new initiative to construct state-of-the-art dormitories, we must make sacrifices,” Parksalot explained, gesturing towards architectural blueprints gathering dust on his desk. “Unfortunately, this means bidding farewell to our beloved parking lots.”

When pressed about the logistical challenges and inconvenience this plan may pose to commuters, Parksalot maintained an air of optimism. “Rest assured, we have a comprehensive solution in place,” he assured, adjusting his glasses with a confident grin. “We’ll be constructing brand new parking lots a mere two miles away from campus, conveniently located up the hill about a mile past the graveyard. This may sound like an inconvenient walk, but worry not, shuttle services will be provided every three to five hours by a fleet of golf carts driven by the local seniors. Honestly, this is killing two birds with one stone, while saving the university money. When the elderly get bored, they sometimes streak across campus, and they also don’t need to be paid.”

As the dust settles and the echoes of protests fade into the distance, one thing becomes increasingly apparent: Michigan Tech University is forging ahead towards a future where parking close to your classes will become a distant memory. “Change is never without its challenges,” Parksalot stated, “but it’s essential for progress.”

Stay tuned for further updates on this groundbreaking initiative as MTU boldly navigates towards a parking-free future.

The post Lewd special satirical article: Michigan Tech’s commuter and metered parking lots to disappear by 2026 first appeared on The Lode.

During the COVID-19 pandemic, J.D. Austin was at his father’s farm in the Keweenaw. Austin had been writing for the two years prior, but “wanted to work on a more serious project.” One evening, Austin and his father sat around a fireplace wondering how to deliver difficult news to a family member. The conversation inspired Austin, providing him with a new idea for a project. After years of hard work, Austin’s idea evolved into “The Last Huck,” his first novel.

Austin initially thought that he would have to self-publish the novel. However, with the guidance of Victor Volkmann, Austin secured a publishing deal with Modern History Press. The deal gave Austin access to reviews from published authors, writing workshops, and the platform Austin desired. The momentum from the novel has translated into newfound opportunities for Austin. In the upcoming months, Austin will do everything from hosting events at Black Ice Comics & Books in Houghton to attending festivals and fairs to promote the novel. Some events include the local Fourth of July celebration, the Big Craft Fair in Escanaba, and the Leopold Festival in Hessel. 

For Austin, the journey started in the spring of 2019 when he took a playwriting class and fell in love with it. However, Austin’s context-heavy style was better suited for fiction writing. About a year into writing fiction, Austin got a story published online for the first time and has since written other publications before finishing his first novel. To get your writing published, Austin believes that you have to “both have an ego and manage an ego. Without the ego, the work never gets done and you won’t have the confidence to sit down and write every day.” Still, Austin emphasized that you have to keep your ego in check to absorb and apply the criticism given by other readers and people close to you. In the end, Austin acknowledged that “it all starts with reading, as whatever you write is like what you read.”

“The Last Huck” is available in print at Black Ice Comics & Books and The Well Read Raccoon Books & Curiosity in Houghton. Additionally, the book is available in print and hardcover on Amazon and Barnes & Noble. The novel focuses on a Finnish Family who owns a Keweenaw farm spanning four generations. In “The Last Huck,” brothers Peter and Niklas must decide whether to keep or sell the farm and must tell the news to their imprisoned brother, Jakob. While telling a tale of hardship and family heritage, the story focuses on a fireplace conversation about how to deliver difficult news. The book can resonate with anyone, and Austin believes it has the ideal blend of youthfulness and rawness within contemporary literature. Those interested in learning more about “The Last Huck” or Austin’s other work can visit jdaustinstories.com or direct inquiries to jackdaustin@gmail.com. 

The post Local author J.D. Austin shares what it took to publish his first novel first appeared on The Lode.

This spring commencement marks the graduation of four members of the Houghton Fire Department and the relocation of three members. The roster can contain upwards of 26 members, which means Houghton will be low in numbers. 

The Houghton Fire Department is a completely volunteer firefighting department that is a mix of both local individuals and Michigan Tech students. Students have the unique opportunity to serve in the department and give back to the community they live in. The Houghton Fire Department is always looking for new members with diverse backgrounds. Members should be able to attend a meeting and training once a month, and respond to as many emergency calls as possible. Individuals must have their own means of transportation. 

Volunteer departments require individuals to have at least Fire I and Hazmat certifications within a year of department involvement. Classes run parallel with Michigan Tech’s schedule and take place during the fall in the evening three to four nights a week. Emergency response calls for the fire department include everything from standard fire alarms to live fire calls. 

Students looking to get involved should be ready for an array of different calls and various scenarios. Background in EMT or first responding is favored but not required. Volunteer firefighting is an excellent extracurricular activity for Michigan Tech students looking for a career in first responding or those looking to get involved within the local community. For further information, contact Fire Chief Mike Reynolds using the following link: cityofhoughton.com/fire-department/.

The post Houghton Fire Department on the lookout for volunteers first appeared on The Lode.