Disclaimer: This article is a part of The Lewd, a biannual satirical project put together by The Lode staff, typically published the week before finals. Opinions presented in these articles do not reflect The Lode values.
Fourteen members of the Northern Michigan University hockey team have recently entered the transfer portal, shaking up the roster and leaving fans speculating about the team’s future. Yesterday, sources close to the program leaked the exit poll results from the athletes with the 3 top reasons for dissatisfaction being the coaching strategies, university experience, and “The Berry reeks.”
The Wildcats have faced challenges throughout the season, struggling to maintain consistency on the ice and in the locker room. A team member placed a comment on the poll speaking to Head Coach Grant Potulny’s unique approach to coaching: “My first practice, Coach walked into the locker room with his dogs out. That incident really turned me off to the program.” Multiple comments on the report mentioned the incident labeled the “foot smelling” team bonding exercise making them uncomfortable.
The leaked report also found that the university experience also played a role in ten of the departing athlete’s decisions. “When I signed here I thought I would be getting a good education and a shoe-in to the [National Hockey] League…” One athlete mentioned, “I got neither and figured since my hockey career was ruined I might as well go somewhere to get a real degree.”
As to the “reeking” of the Berry, all the athletes mentioned in one way or another the foul odor dampening their experience, along with the overall setup of the facilities. One athlete mentioned “[I’m] not sure how it still stunk after they bleached the stadium twice.” Another compared the smell to Houghton’s own MacInnes Student Ice Arena. “If we could get a MacInnes scented air freshener that would really liven the place up.” Another player mentioned the awkward setup of the facility, writing, “Honestly it may seem trivial but [I left] because there is WAY too much room between the first row of seats and the glass. It makes the few celebrations we have after a goal super lame.”
NMU athletics refused to comment on the leaked report, but NMU facilities stated they would look into the “air freshener request” to make the facility experience better for both students and athletes.