Gather around everyone, and let me tell you a story that the so-called “experts” don’t want me to tell you.

This isn’t some dumb story about a made-up killer or legend about a haunted house. This is something far more scary, the truth about a monster that is hunting down children across the land.

This monster has the power to take everything that we Americans hold dear. Baseball, poetry, taxes — nothing we love is safe from it.

The monster’s name, of course, is the dreaded autism.

The autism has many faces, but there are many commonalities throughout all cases of it. It is always severe, it is always debilitating and it will destroy your family.

But what actually causes the autism?

New research is showing that there is a mysterious environmental toxin everywhere around you that Big Pharma doesn’t want you to know about. From the air you breathe and water you drink to even your food and medication, nothing is safe from the secret cabal of powerful people who want to give you and your children the autism for profit.

This research wasn’t done in one of those pointless peer-reviewed studies, of course. I only trust reliable sources, so this one came straight from the top — Health and Human Services Secretary Robert F. Kennedy Jr.

Big Pharma, its doctor stooges and the radical left may tell you that Kennedy has no experience as a medical expert, and that his previous job experience as an environmental lawyer doesn’t qualify him to speak on medical matters.

While they see this as a weakness, that is exactly why we should trust him without question when he gives his unsourced opinion about highly complex medical problems. He is not corrupted by the mainstream academia hivemind or censored by the mysterious peer reviewers who seek to remove any semblance of the truth from science and medicine.

With a graduate law degree and a Bachelor’s in American history and literature, Kennedy’s brain worm is the smartest graduate from Harvard University since “Legally Blonde’s” Elle Woods. He is out there fighting in the trenches, taking on the autism and those who want to spread it for their own gain.

Even before he became the Secretary for Health and Wormy Services, Kennedy was a vocal critic of one of the most dastardly ways Big Pharma tries to give your children the autism: vaccines. 

Even though the liberal media forced him to walk back his previous comments, Kennedy said on a podcast that, “There’s no vaccine that is, you know, safe and effective.”

Your average doctor, who is probably paid by Big Pharma and brainwashed in medical school, would say the original study that suggested a correlation between vaccines and the autism was based on data that was deliberately manipulated, written by a gastroenterologist who lost his medical license and later retracted by 10 of its 12 co-authors.

But who cares what doctors think when you have Kennedy, a brilliant mind and medical messiah who works day and night to protect your families by slowing down research on vaccines and other nefarious ways doctors will try to poison your kids?

After all, once they infect you with the autism, your life is essentially over.

As the new autism epidemic is creeping through our schools and homes, it robs many of the chance to ever have a job, pay taxes, go on dates, write poems or even participate in the beloved American pastime that is baseball, according to the lawyer who is now the U.S.’ highest expert on medicine.

The autism can apparently even affect your actions when you aren’t confirmed to have it, such as when it forced DOGE head Elon Musk to make a Nazi salute-like gesture or Kanye West to go on antisemitic rants.

Some alleged experts and victims of the autism claim it is a spectrum, and as such, it is impossible to make generalizations about what autism will look like in a given person.

Those people don’t know what they are talking about at all.

At best, they are woefully ignorant of what they are talking about, and at worst, they are deliberately downplaying the effects of the autism so that this new epidemic goes unnoticed. 

Wake up, sheeple!

The autism is so dangerous and life-ruining that we need a special registry to track and keep tabs on people infected with the autism, as the best bear cub hunter in Central Park advocated for two weeks ago. While the deep state and the fake news media forced him to rein in the idea, it’s a solution that would keep all of the normal people in the U.S. safe.

What harm could tracking one in 30 Americans through their sensitive medical data do anyway? 

The autism is so devastating that there is little chance that anyone corrupted by it has any semblance of a life at all, so surely they won’t mind having their private lives monitored by government agents every minute of every day. Keeping an eye on these victims (and potentially contagious people) is the only way that we can ensure our country’s safety.

So, now that I have shared with you how the autism is the true menace that seeks to destroy American society, it is your job to act. Tell all of your friends and family how the autism spreads, and when they try to censor you by asking for a source, expose them for the brainwashed zombies that they are.

After all, it only takes the demonization of medical professionals, the promotion of fringe conspiracy theories and strict government surveillance to prevent your child from doing something as drastic as thinking differently than you.

Grab your tinfoil hats and let’s get to work!