Editor’s Note: This is a satire for April Fools’ Day. Real names and the events surrounding them may be used in fictitious/semi-fictitious ways. Those who do not read the editor’s notes are subject to being offended.

America is experiencing painfully high gas prices, which has led most Americans to start siphoning gas from local fire department trucks, and we all know how that’s working out.

So, you ask, what is Colorado State University doing to cash in on this gassy gold mine? Absolutely nothing. If you thought collecting tuition was a lucrative enterprise for CSU, just wait until you hear what a cash cow The Oval could be. 

The Oval, possibly the biggest waste of space on campus that is not really relevant anymore, is a jackpot for President Joyce McConnell and CSU. Just imagine — amid record-high gas prices because of the war between Russia and Ukraine, among other factors, CSU sets up oil derrick pumps on The Oval and gets into the big oil industry. 

The University is always looking for ways to be innovative and change the game, and this is the perfect opportunity to do so. 

Just look at the oil companies that are raking in huge windfall profits from high gas prices. Barrels of oil might be cheaper than they have been before, but these hungry entrepreneurs have found a way to rip off average people in the name of higher profit margins. It is time for CSU to do the same. Not doing so would be missing a huge opportunity.

This is America, so why are we not looking for a way to monetize a public good? After all, we are a land-grant institution, and it would be a shame to not use the land we were given to its fullest profit-making potential.

“It might seem contrary to CSU’s clean energy goals to start drilling and fracking on campus. Honestly, though, CSU has done more than its fair share of clean energy development.”

I would love nothing more than McConnell sending another wordy email informing students the trees older than time itself were being cut down to make space for oil derricks and drilling equipment.

Sure, maybe The Oval is a selling point to prospective students, but let’s be honest here. Prospective students would probably be more impressed with the incredible hustle of drilling for oil on campus to stack some serious paper instead of a patch of grass in the shape of an oval. 

While we are at it, we should probably start fracking on The Oval as well. Colorado is known for fracking — our former governor even drank fracking fluid once to show how safe it is. On-campus jobs are highly desired and often hard to come by. Just think of the job creator that oil and gas drilling on The Oval could be. 

College campuses are great because everything you need to succeed is on campus. Nothing would encapsulate the American dream more than debt-laden students heading to the on-campus oil fields to clock in for work after a day of classes. 

It might seem contrary to CSU’s clean energy goals to start drilling and fracking on campus. Honestly, though, CSU has done more than its fair share of clean energy development. It’s not like the world is going to transition to clean energy in time to save the planet anyway, so what’s the harm in CSU getting into the oil business? 

CSU is in a perpetual pissing competition with the University of Colorado Boulder, and rightfully so. As Rams, we must always look for ways to assert our dominance over little brother, and drilling for oil on The Oval would be the perfect way to do so. 

In the end, gas prices are not going to be this high forever. There is a serious bag to be made by extracting oil from beneath The Oval, and CSU should stop wasting time and get to it.