NEW HAVEN, CT — In light of Yale’s lack of support for the ER&M program and the withdrawal of 13 world class professors from the University, Dean Gendler announced earlier today that Yale will be partnering with Avocados From Mexico (TM). “We want our students to know that we are working to solve the issue,” she said at a press conference. “That is why we will be replacing ER&M faculty members with avocados.”

When questioned further about how such a partnership would remedy the disservice to the 87 ER&M majors, Gendler whispered, “The avocados. They’re from Mexico.”

While the details of the partnership have yet to be unveiled, last Thursday President Salovey tweeted, “Well, fuck me slowly with a banjo — Papa Salovey loves some avo toast!” He also announced that — much like Yale’s financial commitment to the ER&M program — the deal with Avocados From Mexico will be “easy on the 29.4 billion dollar endowment.” In fact, Avocados From Mexico would actually be paying the University to market in the dining halls.

While many students on campus are still distressed about the whitewashing of both Yale’s programs and its faculty, Dean Gendler assured the student body that installing Mexican themed avocado carts in all of the dining halls will not be the end of the line when it comes to fixing this “deeply important problem.”

Within the next year, Yale also plans to partner with Starbucks to bring students signature Starbucks beverages in the week leading up to Thanksgiving break. “This will be an incredible way to educate students about the culture of Indigenous peoples!” said Gendler. “After all, it was the Native Americans who taught our Great Founding Fathers about pumpkins– without them we wouldn’t have pumpkin spice lattes.”

BREAKING: Yale to Replace ER&M Faculty with Avocados was originally published in The Yale Herald on Medium, where people are continuing the conversation by highlighting and responding to this story.