5. “We can’t pay you but it’ll be great exposure. Besides, eulogies for family members practically write themselves.”

4. “I accidentally dropped your book in the toilet. Can I get a new one for free?”

3. “I dropped your book in the toilet on purpose. Can I get a new one for no additional charge?”

2. “I’m proud of you, son.”

1. “Four list items isn’t enough for a top five.”

Top 5 Things You Should Never Say To A Writer was originally published in The Yale Herald on Medium, where people are continuing the conversation by highlighting and responding to this story.