Election year makes mincemeat out of most presidential candidates. Debates, town halls, suit shopping, it’s all too much. A former Bush advisor, whose name shall remain anonymous, revealed to us just how bad the situation was. “Jeb hardly raises his hand during group discussions anymore, and he’s stopped eating lunch with the interns. They used to be his friends. If he fails to turn in his progress report on time tonight, we’ll have to give a call to the parents at home.” We all know how this turned out. Apparently, the third time is not the charm.
After the toils of the campaign trail, most candidates lose their sense of purpose—after all, only one wins. But they must remember that there are other ways to contribute to America besides being president. To help our fallen tributes regain their pride, here’s a list of potential job alternatives that play to each individual’s strengths.
CHRIS CHRISTIE
Republican
New Job – Bouncer
You know what, Chris Christie doesn’t care how attractive you are! If your name isn’t on the list, then you’re not getting into the club. There’s no way you’re going to squeeze by him either, he blocks those double doors like a mountain of bricks. Rumor has it that Christie even refused Barack Obama entry to the Oval Office, leaving his post only after Obama offered him a spot at the next GOP debate. So for all of you underage teens, it’s probably best to head back across the George Washington bridge and go home.
CARLY FIORINA
Republican
New Job – Marriage Counselor
Ms. Fiorina is a woman who knows what matters to the American people: that is, the personal marital affairs of other women. If it’s not her job to probe and constantly criticize every aspect of a couple’s relationship, then whose job is it? White, rich, and conservative, Carly connects with most women on the most intimate of levels. As a marriage counselor, she could take what she’s learned in business and use it to help prop up unhealthy relationships. Most notably, that no matter how much money you lose, your true spouse will always love you.
JOHN KASICH
Republican
New Job – A Democrat
C’mon Kasich, stop pretending you’re actually a Republican. We know, it’s painfully obvious. You HATE all of them up on that stage with you, every single one. You’re actually a mature, decent guy; it’s not shameful to switch sides! So what if you’re a little conservative on some issues? The fact of the matter is that when people start describing you as the “only sensible Republican,” that really means you’re a fairly decent Democrat.
RICK SANTORUM
Republican
New Job – Assistant Coach
Everybody likes the assistant coach. He’s a sweet guy, critical but encouraging, and doesn’t mind being a follower. Santorum would do wonderfully in this position, especially in the not-so-competitive sports: something like badminton or Frisbee golf. In both of his campaigns, 2012 and 2016, Rick pulled out of the running but remained a strong supporter of his superiors. His dedication to first Mitt Romney and now Marco Rubio shows his propensity for being a team player and avid Twitter supporter, rather than the head honcho.
MIKE HUCKABEE
Republican
New Job – Who Cares?
Mike who? Huckabee? Oh yeah, he ran in 2008 I think. What else did he do? Ah, Governor of Arkansas… what’s his stance on abortion and gay marriage then? Haha, no I’m just joking! I could probably guess. Oh, that’s right, alternative job… I honestly don’t care. Maybe a bank teller, phone salesman, that guy who screams and sells Bibles in the subway… or nothing, whatever. What’s his name again?
JEB BUSH
Republican
New Job – Assistant Director of Big Brothers Big Sisters
Mock me if you will, but I think the fact that Jeb stood up for his brother amidst all the criticism is a wonderful thing. He looks up to his big brother, and after all, family is everything. That is why Jeb would flourish at Big Brothers Big Sisters. His huggable, unintimidating nature, complete lack of assertiveness, and willingness to overlook and forgive disastrous decisions would enamor him to any child in need of a positive role model. Plus, wasn’t his campaign design adorable!
RAND PAUL
Republican
New Job – Security Guard at the National Archives
On a scale from 1 to 10, how much do you love the Constitution? Well, it doesn’t matter! Rand Paul loves it MORE! In fact, you’d better step back behind the line. If he sees you standing too close, he will have a fit. Paul saw National Treasure the other day and now won’t take his eyes off the damn document. If you wait for his rant to tourists about the threat Barack Obama and Nicolas Cage pose to this country’s founding principles, though, you can sneak a quick peak!
BEN CARSON
Republican
New Job – Nanny/Child Care Provider
When parents have to go to work, they want to leave their toddlers with a steady handed, capable, and unassuming guardian. Dr. Ben Carson is just that man. He was a neurosurgeon so it’s a good bet he can change a diaper. His unintelligible, semiconscious speech patterns will also help him relate to babies.
MARCO RUBIO
Republican
New Job – Robot
I’m sorry, but I just can’t take Marco seriously. His policies might be good, they might not be, but he speaks like a robot. This isn’t humor anymore, this is the truth. Please, go check it out for yourself, Rubio honestly repeats like the same four sentences over and over. The only thing he’d be good for is analyzing small amounts of code, something like a random name generator. They would have to remember to plug him in though (we don’t want a repeat of that debate performance).
TED CRUZ
Republican
New Job – Extra for Alien 4 (background alien-creature-thing)
This would be absolutely perfect for Ted. He’s basically just an actor already, all he needs is a few lines. The real problem would be working in an English-only setting, since we wouldn’t want to make him self-conscious about his Spanish skills. Nevertheless, Ted could completely redefine the horror film industry! And best of all, he wouldn’t need to wear makeup or a costume or anything. That would save big on taxpayer dollars.
DONALD TRUMP
Republican
New Job – Basketball (not a player—the ball)
Yeah, it’s not really a job, but I think we can all agree that if he wasn’t self-employed, Trump would be out of a job for the rest of his life. Is there anyone he hasn’t pissed off? As a basketball, though, he’d be putting his mind to something useful. Making America Great Again, one swish at a time. Plus, he’d make good on his claim that he has a “great relationship with the blacks.”
MARTIN O’MALLEY
Democrat
New Job – Performing Musician
This one’s actually true! Did you know that O’Malley is in a seven-member Irish pub rock band? Yeah, really! I have absolutely no idea why he didn’t just stick with this, it’s such a promising career. In fact, if he had gone up there in the debates and just played some rockin’ tunes during the intermissions, I think he would have gotten more votes.
BERNIE SANDERS
Democrat
New Job – College Dining Hall Card Swiper
The only thing that makes eating in any college dining hall worthwhile are the card swipers. No one has any friends, obviously, and the food is why I cry at night. Bernie would be the absolute perfect guy to lift my spirits before I go sit down and stare at my yogurt. Jolly, engaging, grandpa-like, and full of yooge ideas, he’d motivate every troubled soul to keep on keepin’ on. Management would have to keep a close eye on him, however. It won’t take long for him to start spreading talks of a union amongst the cafeteria staff.
HILLARY CLINTON
Democrat
New Job – Just… Retire, Okay?
Please, hear me out. I happen to admire Hillary very much. But she has done so much in her lifetime and has performed her duties to the state and people of this great nation with great dedication. Lawyer, senator, first lady, secretary of state, the list goes on and on. What more does she owe any of us? It’s about time for her to relax, enjoy life, travel the world! If I were her and I lost the presidential race, it would be ‘sayonara’ to this messed up world of politics and ‘hello’ to waking up at noon, banana-strawberry smoothies and daily Bernie Sanders meme art.
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