“iM A PREGNANT TEENAGE PROM QUEEN, I HAVE MOODSWINGS LIKE CAMERON DiAZ, ON HER PERiOD, LUCKiLY LYRiCALLY iM THE EQUiVALENT TO VERSACE CEREAL/”

No, this isn’t an excerpt from the note on my iPhone labeled “Poetry..?”. I’m saving for when I roll face and try out for WORD senior year. This is the Twitter bio of rapper Riff Raff, the leading force of an Internet avant garde; a man daring to transcend hip-hop norms, go against the grain, and get his “neon husky all jacked up on Mountain Dew.”(See note) A man we must have at Spring Fling.

What could be better than watching a young, up and coming star (and by young star I mean a 32-year-old man name whose real name is Horst) swing those candy colored cornrows on stage?

Consider his attributes

1. Honesty:
   1. “I COULDA PLAYED FOR THE CLiPPERS BUT THEY CAUGHT ME iN THE LOCKER ROOM WiTH COCAiNE & STRiPPERS”
   2. “i COULDA PLAYED FOR THE VANCOUVER SUPER MODELS BUT THEY FOUND CODEiNE iN MY WATER BOTTLES”
   3. “i DONT WANT YOUR GiRL CUZ SHE LOOK LiKE JAY LENO”

1.  Style:
   1. “SHOUT OUT TO MY CHERRY GOLD PANTS”
   2. “i PULL UP IN THE CHARIOT WITH THE GLOW IN THE DARK BART SiMPSON HAiRCUT”
   3. “PERM PRESSED HAiR SMELLS LIKE SHARON STONE”

1. Humility:
   1. “SOMETiMES I ORDER A PEPPERONi PiZZA AND i ONLY EAT ONE PiECE AND GiVE AWAY THE REST JUST TO REMiND MYSELF i’M A STARViNG ARTiST”
   2.  ”With tactical air-brushed golden skin, unblemished physique/ Rap game Dawson’s Creek.”
   3. “DON’T DO DRUGS SAY NO TO DRUGS KiDS USE YOUR ENERGY TO PLAY SPORTS AND DRiNK WATER”

He clearly possesses many of the core qualities YCC looks for in any spring fling headliner.

I know a lot of you are still mad about Chance getting sick and standing us up last year, and that’s fine! We get that! Luckily, Riff has a lifetime supply of Versace Theraflu on hand at all times to ward off Versace cold symptoms.

This man snorted a line with a hundred dollar and then proceeded to freestyle with a python wrapped around his left hand, AND THEN PUT IT ON THE INTERNET! (I would never post any of my blow freestyles!)

For me, the choice is clear. There is really little else I could say to make this choice more obvious, but I will leave you with this:

“So far from clear ’cause they resemble frozen lettuce/ 91 degrees out and buzzin’, you ever seen melted lime jello?”

Amen, JODY. Amen.

*Note: Basically, this white guy from Houston was on MTV’s “G’s to Gents” in like 2007, decided he wanted to be a rapper, made a Youtube channel, and got famous two years ago. Now, he has a million followers on twitter, was basically played by James Franco in “Spring Breakers” *shivers*, calls himself JODY HiHGROLLER, and makes weird vines that feature his pet husky that he dyed blue. It’s great