1) Who?
i. Their names may suggest that a beloved candy company/lower-class escort service has filed for bankruptcy, but in actuality, a pillar of love and commitment between two individuals has been destroyed.
ii. American icons Mama June and Sugar Bear, the proud parents of child star Honey Boo Boo, have decided to end their relationship.
2) Why?
i. Apparently Mama June suspected cheating, claiming that Sugar Bear had created a dating profile describing himself as a person who loves “to hunt fish and ride 4wheelers and have a good time.”
3) What happens next for the family?
i. Basically nothing as far as we’re concerned. The couple was never officially married. They have one child together (Honey Boo Boo) and care for Mama June’s other three children.
ii. The couple may have ended their relationship, but Sugar Bear will remain on the show.
iii. We doubt he’ll be having as much fun on his 4wheeler now that Mama June has exposed him for the dog (bear… dogbear) he is.
4) What happens next for AMERICA?
i. No one actually knows why this family is famous or has a show dedicated to their lives. The one thing we do know is that we can no longer comfort our lonely selves with the thought that if those two found love, we will too.
ii. Considering reality TV is the number one influence on everything in America the destruction of such a beautiful relationship may mean the destruction of the American ideal of love.
iii. What standard will the children of today have to base their own commitments on?
5) But at least we have the Jenners??
i. WRONG.
B) Equally as disturbing, Kris Jenner has officially filed for a divorce from Bruce.
1) We all knew it was coming.
i. I actually thought it already happened.
ii. Stings just the same.
C) Resolved: LOVE IS DEAD.