On Tuesday the Supreme Court heard arguments for Sebelius v. Hobby Lobby Stores, Inc. The case addresses whether a business can be forced by the Affordable Care Act to provide its employees with contraceptive coverage when it is against the owner’s religion. The central question then, is this: do businesses have freedom of religion?

Given that corporations are, in fact, people (thanks Citizens United!), it only seems natural that these “people” would be entitled to all of their rights, including freedom of religion. When the Supreme Court acknowledges this moral truth, we can only expect the businesses (whom I suspect have different values than humans) to create their own religion.

Since the Bible (a fairly important book in a few human-centric religions) is the bestseller of all time, I figure the business’s sacred text will also be rather profitable. And therefore, going with the oft-used business strategy to be first in the market, I will begin to write this sacred text. Wealth and fame will surely follow.

I begin this book by establishing the central tenets of this new religion, the “Ten Commandments,” if you will.

1. I am the Invisible Hand, thy market equilibrating force. Thou shalt have no other market equilibrating forces before me.
2. Thou shalt not make unto thee any graven image or any likeness; that is, unless you are a cartoonist for the New Yorker making some sort of social commentary about capitalism.
3. Thou shalt not take the name of the Invisible Hand thy market equilibrating force in vain. Unless you are a nonprofit, in which case, I probably deserve it.
4. Remember the Sabbath day, for the New York Stock Exchange is closed on Saturday, Sunday, and select federal holidays.
5. Honor thy US federal code and thy SEC, unless you can maybe, possibly get away with it. Or unless you can turn that infraction into a memoir into a movie for which Leo DiCaprio still can’t win an Oscar.
6. Thou shalt kill other businesses ruthlessly.
7. Thou shalt not commit adultery with businesses you have not legally merged with, lest you cooperate on business decisions, rendering the fist few lectures of that intro game theory course useless.
8. Thou shalt not steal your customers’ data to hand over to the NSA. Or at least, if you do, thou shalt write an open letter about it.
9. Thou shalt not bear false witness against thy competitor. “I did not have oligopolistic relations with that business“ has historically not been very believable.
10. Thou shalt not covet thy competitor’s supplies, unless of course you can use them more efficiently, create a better product cheaper, and edge them out of the market. See Commandment 6.

And with its commandments set, this new religion is well on its way. Now we just wait for the Supreme Court’s ruling that “people” deserve the freedom of religion. We can only hope that some day these “people” can truly be equal to humans, earning the rights to bear arms, to vote, and to be forbidden from drinking alcohol for thirteen years and then allowed to again.