10. The 5-Second Rule is Now the Only Legitimate Form of Health Insurance

9. PRISM Has Become Self-Aware

8. Edward Snowden Lands Safely on Mars

7. The U.S. and Overly-Attached NSA Decide to Separate

6. U.S. Drones Stationed in the Middle East Break Out in Civil War

5. Healthcare.gov Literally Takes the Internet Down with It…

4. …But Not Before Downloading a Video of Miley Cyrus’ VMA Performance to Every Computer in Existence

3. Like Everything Else, After Turning It Off then On Again, the Government Works Just Fine Now

2. Engineers Dam President Obama’s Approval Ratings, Generating Enough Electricity to Power a Small Town in Rural Indiana

1. Republicans Are Actually Right About Some Stuff