Chad Kroeger and Avril Lavigne are engaged. Take a moment to recover from the shock you’re invariably feeling, and consider the previous statement and its implications for music. Rarely have two people more musically suited for each other gotten together — it’s a match made in heaven that only country star couples can enjoy. Consider Kroeger and Lavigne the Blake Shelton and Miranda Lambert of shitty Canadian rock, however. In lieu of crafting well-liked music, as their Southern counterparts have, they’re instead destined to create material that’s going to rile up music aficionados for years to come.
Their wedding will be the day Don McLean sung about— the day the music dies. That said, it’s time to take a look at the most atrocious offerings Mr. and Mrs. Kroeger have created over the span of their careers.
Chad Kroeger feat. Josey Scott of Saliva – “Hero”
Remember being nine, ten, or eleven years old and hearing that uplifting anthem to the badassery that was 2002’s “Spiderman” movie? Personally, I was enamored with the gravelly tones of both Scott and Kroeger’s limited vocal ranges and filled with envy at the sight of Kroeger’s flowing golden locks.
I was an idiot.
Let’s break down the components of this song’s shitty-ness. We’ve got Josey Scott (his relevance outside of the nu-metal scene after this song is just as mysterious as Kroeger’s inability to write likable music) harmonizing with Nickelback’s frontman about how he’s so high that he can hear heaven. What the hell does that even mean? Combined with the melodramatic strings and the congas (yes, congas) that back “Hero,” this song is nothing but laughable. Kroeger should have just held on to those eagles’ wings he sung about and then let go of them — preferably over a canyon or volcano.
Avril Lavigne – “Sk8er Boi”
If you possess even an iota of respect for the English language, the title of this track alone should send you into eye-clawing conniptions. The bouncing pop track from her 2002 debut, Let Go, was the chart-topping single that made Avril a household name. Her awkward persona and affinity for poor makeup choices only added to her WTF factor, but it was the clunky lyricism of “Sk8er Boi” that really should have had parents banning their kids from watching MTV. “He was a punk / she did ballet / what more can I say?” Really, Avril? You could have turned the first two verses into something that avoided laying out the most obvious of plots for your alt-girl listeners.
Nickelback – “Rockstar”
To be fair, Avril’s not as big of a detraction to music as her soon-to-be hubby. He fronts one of the most hated bands in the world, placing his Canadian rock outfit alongside Insane Clown Posse and Creed. If that isn’t enough to break Nickelback’s personal grandeur, then maybe “Rockstar” truly is their theme song. The song spins a cringe-worthy tale of chasing tail, blowing rails and quesadillas (I’m not kidding here. Look the lyrics up. I’ll wait.) This is the only sign we’ve ever gotten that Nickelback may realize what a joke it is, but given that “Rockstar” is the band’s best selling single, and the fact that Rolling Stone named it one of their best songs of 2007, the band may just be a little too caught up in its own schtick to see itself for what it really are.