You walk into a party late Friday night, and your flaky drunk friend immediately ditches you for some suspect-looking hipsters in the corner. You’re alone, you’re thirsty, and you don’t know anyone. Do you turn around and head home to watch a “Man v. Food” marathon by yourself and cry into a bowl of cookie dough? Hell no! That’s your Thursday night routine, remember? This is the weekend, and you need to make some friends.
Whether you’re a girl looking for a potential boyfriend, a guy looking for a bro, a guy looking for a boyfriend or a girl looking for a drinking buddy, you can tell a lot about a dude by his beer of choice. These horoscopes — or “hoposcopes” (hops, beer; get it?!) — are completely nonscientific and based exclusively on the brand’s TV commercials and my own experiences, but I am 78 percent confident in their accuracy. I suggest bringing a copy of this column to every party you attend, for reference.
Bud Light
First of all, this is the most popular beer in America, so this guy doesn’t have much of an imagination. But he won’t need one, because his girlfriend (if he can bear to have one) will be dumb as a stump — that, or an overbearing witch. He loves to use made-up words that have no meaning like “drinkability” and “seductivity.”
Approach tactic: This guy wants everything casual, so move in with a high-five and no shirt, regardless of gender.
Heineken
This is one smooth operator. He knows every interesting person at the party and has been to more countries than you can name. He loves to dance and will likely take over as DJ at some point, playing ridiculously awesome songs that everyone will love, but no one has ever heard of before. You will end the evening madly in love with him but also kind of hate the bastard.
Approach tactic: Let him make the first move. Give him meaningful glances from a corner, and let out a knowing chuckle when he puts on the first track of his epic playlist, as if you actually recognize the song. Your apparent coolness will be enough to lure him in.
Coors Light
If you don’t love — and I mean LOVE — football, don’t even try to get to know him. This guy lives and breathes football, specifically the NFL. If he’s not watching it, he’s talking about in incessantly. In fact, he’s probably wearing an NFL jersey right now, isn’t he? You’ve been warned.
Approach tactic: If you’re a girl, move in while wearing a Dallas Cowboys cheerleader uniform. It’s the only way you’ll get his attention. Guys, any reference to Aaron Rodgers will be enough to spark a conversation.
Sam Adams
This guy loves him some Boston. He likely has a full, luxurious beard and enjoys chopping down trees and discussing hops. Bring up the Red Sox, the Patriots (football) or patriots (founding fathers), and he’ll talk your ear off all night. He will also snort derisively at any drink involving fruit.
Approach tactic: Exclaim adoringly over his choice of Sam Adams. Mention that you’ve been meaning to get into home-brewing, and ask if he has any tips about which yeast to use.
Keystone Light
He’s wearing flannel, isn’t he? And Wranglers? And work boots? Yeah, I thought so. Despite his Dukes of Hazzard look and patchy mustache (yes, it’s possible to have a patchy mustache) this guy is smooth. I mean, really smooth. The ladies he cavorts with always look a little like Dolly Parton (in certain, ahem, aspects), and they seem to think he’s the greatest. Besides parties, he’s often spotted at convenience stores and gas stations.
Approach tactic: This guy wants to be the hero, so present him with a small problem that he can quickly solve with muscles and cunning.
Corona
Relax, bro, this guy is cool as a cucumber. He’s probably just back from snowboarding in the Rockies or surfing down in Mexico and needs to unwind with the most casual of party beers. He’s likely sitting very peacefully in a lawn chair or oversized La-Z-Boy, hair flopping around in front of his eyes and vacant expression on his face.
Approach tactic: Offer a fist bump and crash on the chair next to him for a while. Don’t speak at first; you don’t want to startle him. After about five minutes you may begin a conversation about any extreme sport or Mexican beach you wish, just expect the conversation to be a little slow.
PBR
This guy is tricky. He could either be a hipster who thinks he’s amazing and awesome, or he’s a minor who had to take whichever beer his alcohol hookup picked out. An easy way to distinguish between the two is to offer him a shot: If he’s the former he will glare at you in disgust and say he’s “good.” If he’s the latter, he will jump on any drink with an alcohol percentage higher than five.
Approach tactic for hipster: Compliment his suspenders and launch into a conversation about the Occupy movement. Try to bring up the most obscure band you know. When in doubt, use this simple formula: (Name) + “and the” + (any combination of two words) = great band name.
Approach tactic for minor: Just bring alcohol. Any alcohol.
Smirnoff Ice
This boy is a freshman. This boy has never had a beer before.
Approach tactic: Offer to walk him back to the dorms in exchange for a Cheesy Griller.