When news of Beyonce’s pregnancy hit the airwaves, I predicted the end of the music industry by Juggernautism. (It’s a thing, Google it.) However, not unlike the Doctor, Jay-Z and Beyonce decided to completely alter the fabric of time and history with a simple gesture.
Much like a butterfly’s flap can cause a hurricane across the world, the seemingly innocent act of naming this child has sealed her fate as an obscure token of our generation. No one will ever know of this child, no one will care and no one will even realize who she is until her appearance on “Celebrity Rehab” in 2036.
While the “weird name for our offspring” thing isn’t unique to celebrities, they are best known for choosing the most outlandish names possible. It’s like they’re all playing a game with each other. Maybe that’s it: they’re just messing with us. I bet there’s even a point system for it.
What makes Blue Ivy such a great name is the fact that it involves an adjective. Chances are, she’ll simply go by Blue. However, her name literally makes a statement, that “ivy is blue.” That is simply hilarious. It gets better when you consider the notions of homonyms. If my name were Blue, I would be Blue Harrison, as in “oh yeah I just blew Harrison.” This poor girl, instead, will have to deal with the jokes that will come with a ridiculous name like Blue Ivy.
“Have either of your parents ever even seen what Ivy looks like?”
“Are you sad, or just a little Blue?”
While I am not the wittiest of the school children, I’m sure the children that will attend whatever ridiculous Montessori school these two send Blue to will be more than creative enough to come up with ideas.
Perhaps the fictional Tobias Fünke had something to do with the naming of this child. Or maybe they’re hoping she can be in the next Smurfs movie. In 20 years she can take the reigns from Uma Thurman as Poison Ivy, and for that matter, Bret Michaels, as lead singer of Poison.
Granted, the last time I wrote about children and relatives of celebrities, I included a reference to Elizabeth Olson, the third Olson sister. Her movie, “Martha Marcy May Marlene” was then released to rave reviews. Elizabeth was singled out for her solid and moving performance in the movie. In some reviews, she was called more talented than either of her sisters and without the adorable quirkiness that being identical twins allows.
Is this The Daily Nebraskan’s version of the Colbert Bump? Is my reference or declaration of an eminent failure, in fact, a prophecy of success? Perhaps if I denounce The Specials, they’ll do a North American tour that includes more than just Toronto and L.A. Maybe I can convince At The Drive-In to play more than just dumb festivals and actually be a real band again if I say their reuniting is moot and unnecessary.
Or maybe I can convince comic book fans to stop hating on the new “Ultimate Spider-Man” if I say Peter Parker was the worst thing to happen to comic character development. Never mind, I would never joke about that.
That’s not even remotely funny.
But anyway, celebrities do have a certain ability to get away with ridiculous behavior. They make obscene amounts of cash money and for not much effort (let’s be honest, it’s not like Beyonce is producing her own work in her basement studio). They are allowed to get ridiculous tattoos, carry a vial of blood from their lovers around their neck or go to rehab multiple times. It’s not because they’re special and they certainly don’t earn this advantage.
We let them act ridiculously because it makes us feel better about ourselves.
Most teen parents out there are now probably saying to themselves, “Man, it sucks that we got pregnant, but at least we didn’t name our kid Blue Ivy.”