Friend (n.) – a person attached to another by feelings of affection or personal regard.
It took him a few seconds and sips to find the courage to ask that certain forbidden question. To cross a line that is hardly discussed but is frequently felt.
“Why didn’t you accept me?”
“I don’t know what you’re talking about.”
“My friend request. I sent it to you like a month ago.”
“I-I don’t go on my Facebook very often, so I didn’t get a request.”
“But you just changed your profile picture two days ago!” He pointed across the party. “I saw it on her page!”
Yes, he went there.
Now, I’ve never believed in the “awkward turtle” gesture, feeling that pointing out how uncomfortable a situation is will inevitably make it considerably worse. We didn’t need it anyway – the moment was already bad enough. All we could do was stare at each other in silence for a good twenty seconds.
You see, we both were caught in our own very inane and shallow traps. Now he knew that I had deemed him unworthy of mere Facebook friendship, which he took as the insult of insults. And now I had a very creepy idea of how much time he spent on the computer looking up trivial information about people he hardly knew.
Suddenly, we both knew far too much about the each other because we knew how the other one behaved on the Internet. Which is far too intimate a knowledge for people who are barely acquaintances “IRL.”
The Internet creates a digital distance that can dramatically change our behavior.
Some people with more time to reflect about what they are saying and how it might be perceived act in a manner that is very formal, composed and polite online. This is how the quiet, vaguely aggressive guy in your group project can come off as a charming and well-informed gentleman in e-mails only to switch back to his douchy self in person. Even worse, I’ve seen this happen to roommates who secretly hate each other but choose only to communicate cordially and digitally to set a record for a potential lawsuit.
Then there’s the other extreme, where someone who seems normal and well-adjusted in real life uses the Internet as a playground for the id, where they can indulge their secret wishes while feeling little or no criticism. This is how a seemingly mild-mannered and virtuous person can swiftly become very forward with their messages, demands and pictures taken. Of course, that last part could just be attributed to the ubiquity of Photoshop.
And while most of us probably don’t have two outrageously different identities we switch between depending on our proximity to eye contact, we are nevertheless encouraged to behave very differently on the Internet and redefine the terms of our relationships with each other.
Many of us add almost anyone we can on Facebook, ranging from some girl met while drunk to the grad students in charge of our grades. And it works. None of this feels that weird – at least, not as weird as it would be to have a conversation with these people face to face.
Sometimes, like the old-school AIM buddy list, the “Friends” category exists mainly to collect people, to quantify popularity and to gather information for the sake of stalking.
While this might seem extreme or even stupidly unnecessary, I doubt that most of us would call every member of our list a “Friend” in the real world sense.
A more accurate organizing label would be “People I Have Probably Met” with subcategories like “Childhood Chum,” “Work Peers,” “Relatives,” “Celebrities,” “Enemies,” “Old Study-Group Members,” “Exes,” “Former Roommates,” “Not Sure” and, of course, “Associates I Care About and Would Like To Talk With On a Regular Basis.”
You know, friends!
Now, you might be a pretty normal person in everyday life. You’re humble, kind-hearted and polite, meaning you probably don’t talk about yourself very much.
But by opening a laptop, you can have another identity with a much larger group of Friends, one where you are a picture of you at your best, where you demonstrate your impressive self-esteem by displaying your myriad interests, quotes that you guide your life by and your religious and political views.
You are free to announce your feelings, whether they are angsty or humorous, to everyone you know. Your Friends care, comment and figuratively laugh aloud with a thumbs up. How gratifying!
The problem, as I opened with, is when this self hits your real self – it can be very awkward to be confronted with the other person you’ve been.
If you still have any doubts about this, find an acquaintance you are also Facebook friends with. Now, print out their “About Me” section and read it aloud to them.
You’re probably not going to get very far, especially if you get the point where you remind them that they claim to like “the mini heart attack you get when you miss a step going down the stairs.”
What would happen if we considered all the people on our Friends list every time we updated our statuses, posted our pictures and sent out an invite?
If we’re lucky, we can make it just as uncomfortable as real life.