People love predictions. In the world of sports, they go absolutely gaga over them. Watch and you’ll see fans of any game hang onto every word of expert forecasts in order to prepare for what’s coming, or they look to deride the idiot analyst at a later date. With the NFL season kicking off in less than 36 hours, it’s only fitting that I give you the same opportunity by detailing the very unofficial Daily Campus NFL projections below.
Now, you can skip all the way to the end like this is assigned reading or you can prepare for my season predictions like you might for a regular season game on Sunday. How so? By following along with the pre-game show.
Instead of blathering about what I envision will happen this year, I’m going to share precisely what is going to go down before the Saints and Vikings face off Thursday. Everything around the NFL that’s for better or worse, this week and pre-kickoff, will be explained. Some events you have already heard about and others you may doubt, but one thing is for certain: they are all dripping in truth.
Monday, 12:04 a.m. – The Jets avoid getting shipwrecked off Revis Island as all-world cornerback Darrelle Revis gets a new deal just in time for any hard training camp/preseason work to be over.
Monday, 5:18 p.m. – In a and the Hare, Dennis Dixon wins the race for the Steelers’ starting quarterback job by a mile as Bryon Leftwich is still on his way to the trainer’s room.
Monday, 11:59 p.m. – Rex Ryan sneaks away from bed to enjoy a midnight snack. What is it? His fifth celebratory cake of the day to rejoice the signing of Revis.
Tuesday, 12:21 p.m. –I disgust myself having already written two of three blurbs about the Jets. They will be heard from no more until the next Hard Knocks episode.
Tuesday, 12:37 p.m. – Brett Favre has yet to be mentioned. Good @#$%!
Present Day – Michigan quarterback Denard Robinson blows by the bus I’m taking to class, on his way, of course, to another touchdown.
Wednesday, 2:36 p.m. – Jay Cutler crumples a piece of paper into a ball during a team meeting and tosses it toward the trash bin. It gets picked off.
Wednesday, 6:15 p.m. – Vikings head coach Brad Childress complains to his wife about Brett Favre getting hit too hard by the Saints last year. She tells him she’s sick of hearing his bald ass go on about his indecisive quarterback. Chilly sleeps on the couch tonight.
Wednesday, 7:27 p.m. – Albert Haynesworth finally passes his two-mile run conditioning test. Unfortunately, it doesn’t count because it came after practice and only while he was chasing the ice cream truck as it passed his house.
Wednesday, 10:01 p.m. – Josh McDaniels watches Jersey Shore reruns in efforts to get his fist-pumping technique ready for the season. In other news, the Broncos remain destined for mediocrity.
Thursday, 9:00 a.m. – The Patriots release their first injury report of the season. Twenty-two people are listed as questionable, despite that fact that four are on injured reserve and defensive lineman Bob Dee has been dead for over 30 years.
Thursday, 10:19 a.m. – Chris Johnson gets stuck in traffic on his way to practice with five miles to go and 11 minutes to get there. He jumps out of his Jaguar and sprints for the team’s facility. He’s early.
Thursday, 4:22 p.m. – Sam Bradford and the Rams take a trip down to Norman, Okla. to scrimmage with the Oklahoma Sooners. Following a 72-9 beatdown, Bradford quits the Rams and enrolls in graduate school, rejoining his old team.
Thursday, 8:32 p.m. – The NFL season kicks off and an overflow of incoming orders causes the Wings Over Storrs order phone to combust.
Thursday, 8:32:21 p.m. – (now overstepping my own bounds) Sean Payton opens up the game with an onside kick and the Saints recover. Favre suffers a heart attack as a result of the astonishing crowd noise reverberating inside the Superdome. See ya, Vikings.
Thursday, 9:09 p.m. – Sitting at home as a multi-millionaire and the second biggest bust in NFL history, JaMarcus Russell realizes during the game that getting the ball to his receivers once in a while probably would’ve been a good idea.
So there you have it. Everything that will happen prior to and even perhaps during the course of the first 2010 NFL regular season game. What could possibly take hold afterward? Let’s take a look:
NFC CHAMPIONSHIP: Packers over 49ers.
AFC CHAMPIONSHIP: Ravens over Chargers.
SUPER BOWL XLV: Packers over Ravens.
Are you ready for some football?!