It’s your first week at college. Life is brimming with all sorts of infinite possibilities. You expect trials and tribulations. You’re eager to experience and catalog all the rites of passage to be had while pursuing your higher education. After you settle in, it’s OK to ask questions like, “Is this Xanadu,” or “I am Kubla Khan” and is this “the pleasure dome?”
But in answer to these questions, I will try my best to describe in what ways real life can differ from what is presented in movies about the idealized college experience.
To the suave male student whose parents have money to burn at Pottery Barn, Ikea or Ethan Allen, yes, your room will look exactly like a “Van Wilder” bachelor pad. And, later, a submissive foreign student will come looking to you, the sex guru, for guidance on how to divest his clichéd title before he turns 40. In the event that you are not “Van Wilder,” tell your parents to take it easy on the furniture, the dorms aren’t that big and a neon sign with your name on it is truly the definition of pastiche. The point is to broaden your horizons in other ways.
To the future medical student, yes, you may think a Kiefer Sutherland-lookalike is an edgy one, but I would encourage you to watch “Lost Boys” to help cleanse that thought from your mind. Vampire Sutherland is frightening. You know what else is frightening? Going “Flat Liners.” Assuming no one actually stays dead, I’m sure the practice isn’t good for your heart and coming to grips with memories you’ve suppressed may not be pleasant either. So, if at any point you think about flat-lining, remember OU has counseling services. Also you might want some less suicidal friends to hang out with.
To the student who will graduate “With Honors,” yes, I know losing the only copy of your thesis paper to a wayward homeless man is infuriating. But the man wouldn’t have your thesis in his hands if the homeless population had been properly sheltered. Invest time doing community work as it’s generally better to choose how you will volunteer your time than to become the reluctant minion of an embittered Joe Pesci type who will incessantly remind you of how you live in an “Ivory Tower” while he’s stuck living in the basement of your fine institution.
To the students making the trek to Fat Sandwich on Campus Corner ala “Harold and Kumar Go To White Castle,” yes, you will run into Neil Patrick Harris riding a snowy white unicorn. I lied; no you won’t.
To the students living in the “Animal House,” if you take a guy’s guitar away and smash it, he might just turn around and beat you up. People can get scrappy in 104-degree heat. And then there’s the OUPD to consider too.
To the students enamored with “Old School,” if you see a house full of 30-something misfits, stay away. Not to mention sophomoric behavior isn’t as cute when you’re getting expelled. That said, pony tranquilizers are not be used recreationally. Off-label use is not only prohibited in many states, but you run the risk of accidental drowning if there is a pool nearby. If you need a mentor-like figure to relate to, consider befriending a Resident Advisor, an experienced student in your degree field or professor.
Exactly, “How High” can you get on magic cannabis grown from the ashes of a fallen comrade? If you think you’re getting into Harvard and that the ghost of your deceased buddy is going to help you do it, you may want to ask yourself if that’s really going to work for you on this plane of existence we like to call reality. Fortunately at OU, there are opportunities through student organizations to befriend the living and/or attend a study group while you pursue higher education.
Nerdy? Considering revenge because you’ve been jilted? I understand it’s entirely plausible that a pretty co-ed might harshly rebuff your romantic overtures, but taking your revenge like a peeping tom is considered a crime in Oklahoma and you could be fined, imprisoned or both. Use your brain and just tell her something wicked in French, like her heart is made up of a thousand corpulent maggots.