Last week I exposed how insecure soccer fans are, and I got a lot of people telling me I’m an ignorant hick who has never left the country. This is true; I have never been outside the United States in my entire life. I thought I should do something about this because the people seem so distressed about it.

Dedicated readers will remember that I am filthy rich with scholarship money. I went to my money room, where I keep my tall stacks of cheddar, and stuffed a few crumpled hundos in my pocket. From there, I went to a travel agent and booked a trip to England, Germany and France.

I will be gone for five weeks, and while I am gone, I will report on what is wrong with the country I’m in.

In Europe, I will try my best to only stay at youth hostels, but if I ever run into an Eastern European clerk, I will run away as fast as I can. I’ve seen both “Hostel” movies — I know how dangerous they can be. I don’t want to get hepatitis, or worse, get slaughtered by a disgruntled American CEO with a fetish for young men and dull, rusty knives.

While I am in England, I will be reminding every Brit I meet that we won the war and that they would be nothing without us now, like old, sickly great-grandparents who live in your house and refuse to die.

To prepare for England, I made a few purchases at the Cracker Barrel, my favorite restaurant on the west side of town. You can’t find a more parochial and culturally insensitive place in Bloomington. I bought a few patriotic shirts with flags, guns and explosions on them. My favorite one says, “Freedom isn’t free — These colors don’t run” below a huge red, white and blue bald eagle.

Everywhere I go in England, I will keep a copy of the Declaration of Independence in my left back pocket. In the other, I will have a decoy wallet filled with Monopoly money that has the letters FML scribbled on the reverse — just in case some Industrial Revolution-era pauper tries to pick my pocket.

The next country I will be visiting is Germany. Again, while I am there, I will remind every German I meet that we won those Other Wars against them back in the day.

Lastly, I will take the train to Paris. I am planning on getting blasted on absinthe at the Louvre, where I will attempt to break the Da Vinci Code. I’ve read the first 80 pages of “Angels and Demons” and have seen the last 20 minutes of the movie. I’m sure I can fill in the gap — if you’ve read one Dan Brown book, you’ve read them all.

Now, I know you all will miss me something terrible. I will take a camera so it’s like you’re over there with me, insulting the world.

At every landmark I see, I will get my picture taken in a shirt that says “Screw Soccer.” If you don’t hear from me next week, I want you all to assume I have been captured by ignorant, xenophobic soccer fans.