Miley Cyrus’s first venture into cinema actually took place several years ago when she played Ruthie in Tim Burton’s “Big Fish,” but “The Last Song” constitutes her first—and certainly not her last—major acting performance. Unfortunately, this umpteenth adaptation of a Nicholas Sparks novel looks much more like a moping, pouting, let’s-find-Miley-a-boyfriend spectacle than a film.

Because of its origins, you know three things about this movie even before you watch it: two people will fall in love, someone will die, and everyone in between will sniffle and cry. To choose from, you have Ronnie (Cyrus), Will (Liam Hemsworth), Steve (Greg Kinnear), and a random assortment of family members and adolescents that roam the Georgia beach. Can you play matchmaker?

The film wants you to believe that Ronnie, a piano prodigy recruited by Julliard, is a rebellious, gothic-leaning, anti-popular teen that can’t realize her musical potential without her father’s inspiration. The film wants you to believe that Will is a rich surfer guy that has a tender, environmental side to him when he and Ronnie team up to protect a loggerhead sea turtle nest. The film also wants you to believe that it represents plausible situations that produce ethical and emotional dilemmas many of us face every day.

Far from being the cute little romance I expected, “The Last Song” relies on faux melancholic tones merely to rationalize its own forgetful creation while regurgitating the vast and, by now, trite themes of love, tragedy, and fate. Don’t worry, though, two more Sparks adaptations are expected next year.