It’s a Saturday night and the streets begin to crawl with students taking a well-deserved break from their busy week. You can hear a “Sco Ducks!” in the distance.

Luckily, their peers are the reason many of these students get home safely on the nights they decide to let loose. They are the Designated Driver Shuttle (commonly referred to as DDS) student workers.

“DDS serves me as a student, and they will serve you too,” said Kristen Vogt, quoted in large italicized letters atop the DDS website. “They provide great service along with special memories, such as the time my ex-boyfriend puked all over my lap in the van.”

They serve, indeed.

With roughly 100 students transported per night on the weekends and somewhere around 40 on a weekday, DDS is working seven days a week – even with a large shortage of staff at the start of the year.

They start taking calls at 10 p.m. and stop at 2:30 a.m., closing at 3:30 a.m.

A yawn emerges from the mouth of senior Will Post, who is navigating us to the next rider. “No, it’s too early for that,” he tells himself. It’s 11:15 p.m. and the night is young for Post and our driver, senior Cullen Joy.

Arriving at Taylor’s, Post radios in to DDS dispatchers, comparable to what you see police officers use in the movies. He lets the dispatcher know we’ve arrived for the pick-up, so they can let the rider know they have five minutes to claim their ride.

After what seems like a lot longer than 5 minutes, Post radios in to dispatch that it’s a no-show. “It happens a lot,” said Joy. “People end up walking home and don’t usually give us a call back to let us know.”

Between calls, Joy drives around and occasionally asks people walking on the street if they want a ride. Many say no, perhaps not realizing it’s a DDS van and we’re not just “creepers,” as he puts it.

Soon enough; however, the dispatcher assigns us another rider.

We wait outside a fraternity house and the rider comes out shortly.

We’re taking him to the other side of the university, so the van cuts through campus down 13th street. This brings some excitement from the rider. “You’re allowed to do this?” he says as he whips out his phone and makes a Snapchat video commemorating the once-in-a-lifetime experience. “That’s dope.”

“It’s the little things,” said Post. “And this is one of the little things.” Once we arrive the rider expresses his gratitude, shakes hands and hops out.

The rest of the night consists of a few no-shows, successful drop-offs and luckily, many appreciative students. “It makes it a lot more enjoyable when people are thankful,” Post said. “Sometimes people will act like you’re their servant.” Nevertheless with Joy’s year of experience working at DDS and Post’s second term of work, they’ve mastered the art of patience.

Also making the job worthwhile are the amount of entertaining stories that come in and out of the van. “You’re not going out, but you’re amongst all the partiers,” Joy said. “People will always want to talk to you about their night and couldn’t be happier to tell you their life story. It’s like taxi-confessions.”

Both Joy and Post say they were simply looking for a job when they applied for DDS but have found it to be very rewarding in the end.

“When people use DDS they’re getting a safe ride home, instead of driving under the influence or making other bad decisions,” Joy said. “Sometimes it’s just taking one girl home when it’s late at night, so she doesn’t have to walk alone.”

A few rides and Pandora songs later, it’s midnight and time for me to head home (driving make me sleepy).

Thanks to DDS, I arrive safe and sound and can’t help but agree with what our last rider said as she left the van – “I can’t wait to brush my teeth.”

DDS is open 7 days a week, call 541-346-RIDE. Tips and thank-yous are appreciated.

Follow Sydney Zuelke on Twitter @SydCaroline

The Daily Show with Jon Stewart

“Democalypse 2014: America Remembers It Forgot to Vote.”

Jon Stewart starts his show by clearing the air. Earlier he appeared on CNN saying he “doesn’t normally vote in midterms, but did vote today.” He said he didn’t make it clear enough that he was joking in a genuinely serious apology. Okay, enough seriousness. Let’s get down to the real business. This year the Empire State Building will flash blue lights over the city if the democrats remain in control and red if the Republican Party takes over. “We will replace the Statue of Liberty’s torch with an AK-47 and a bible if the republicans win. If the democrats stay, ‘The Daily Show’ will blow up the moon,” Stewart said. BOOM! I don’t know what’s scarier, compete and utter darkness for the rest of time or republicans taking back the senate (thank you, thank you). Stewart first talks local results: Democrat Andrew Cuoma of New York is expected to win at 59 percent. Democrat Cory Booker from New Jersey won, “Even while busy pulling someone from a burning car while tweeting.” Stewart said he’s not sure of him as a senator but he makes a good superhero. While these victories happen to be in the favor of Democrats, the Republican Party ultimately got the six senate seats they needed to take over, as predicted. Looks like we’ll be keeping the moon. It’s the moment we’ve all been waiting for. Kentucky’s winner is… Mitch McConnell! (They show a photo of a cartoon turtle). If you’ve watched The Daily Show at all the last year you’ve probably seen McConnell multiple times. My personal favorite being the total magoo campaign ad McConnell aired, inspiring the viral hashtag #McConnelling. Ladies and gentleman, our new Majority Leader:

Jason Jones, senior midterm elections correspondent had the pleasure of a guest appearance by money (who resembled Rob Riggle). “We all know republicans love me, but I like playing hard to get with the democrats,” money says. “Show ‘em a twenty and they’ll be saying ‘ooh feels so good, more, more!” In other news, New Hampshire democrat Jeanne Shaheen defeated republican Scott Brown and republican Shelley Moore Capito became West Virginia’s first female senate member. Girl power!

The Colbert Report

“Midterms ‘014: Detour to Gridlock: An Exciting Thing That I Am Totally Interested In—Wait! Don’t Change the Channel. Look at this Video of a Duckling Following a Cat Dressed Like a Shark Riding a Roomba! ‘014!.”

Yes that is the actual name of tonight’s show. And yes they played a video of a duckling following a cat dressed like a shark riding a Roomba and yes it was adorable. “No election has ever been this mid-portant,” Colbert says. “This will be my last election night special. I am off the air next month to pursue my dream of never reporting the midterm elections again.” Aw, we’ll miss you Stephen. To get things started, we just have to reiterate the comic significance of McConnell’s win. We see a video of Mitch McConnell (which is actually a turtle) and his victory party (which is actually the turtle rubbing on grass and put to techno music). Now that we got that out of the way, Colbert moves on to making fun of Fox News as per usual. “Fox News has a secret weapon so secret, they can’t stop talking about it.” Clip after clip the people of Fox talk about this “Brain Room” they get all their election information from. “As suspected, Fox News keeps all their brains in one room. And it’s not the one with the cameras,” Colbert says. They just make it too easy. In his own “Brain Room” if you will, which he calls the “Mountain of Midterm Madness” Colbert holds a stick with a skull on it, and sacrifices his blood to the devil for the results to Alaska’s election. Maybe this is what Fox’s Brain Room looks like, but thats just hearsay. Ultimately the verdict turns out to be “too close to call.” Damn you, Alaska! Colbert gets a little emotional as he says goodbye to where he has spent the last nine years of his life.  As he holds his earpiece, “Wait – I still have another month and a half of shows? Nevermind!”

Dan Gilroy’s Nightcrawler highlights the exact character we all didn’t know we instinctually would find extremely unsettling. When we first come across Lou Bloom (Jake Gyllenhaal), we see him as a thief and an obvious sociopath trying to find a job. He attempts to sell himself to people wide-eyed, in a spiel radiating with self-obsession and entitlement.

After Lou witnesses a bad car wreck and a cameraman filming it, he audaciously asks about what the man does and how much he makes. The man says he’s a freelancer and listens to police scanners to find fires, wrecks and homicides to film and sell to the highest bidding news station.

Intrigued by the idea, Lou steals a bicycle to pawn in the easy route to kicking off his new self-proclaimed career. We get another glimpse into the mind of our sociopath as he compulsively lies to the pawnshop owner, rambling confidently about how he won the Tour de Mexico on the bike. He thinks he deserves a certain amount of money for a bike that wasn’t even his to sell but ultimately makes a trade for a police scanner and a camera.

It is his first project in freelance filming (a man killed in a parking lot) that leads him to pay a visit to the Cruella de Vil of the media world, Nina Romina (Rene Russo). Her news station is last in the rankings and she’s desperate for viewers. She obviously senses the creepy eagerness in Lou from the start but knows he might be able to help her save her job, dangling by a thread. Nina tells him to avoid chasing down crime in poor non-white neighborhoods because nobody cares; the most provocative are those that involve well-off white folks. (If that’s not a shot at TV news I don’t know what is). She describes the goal as “a screaming woman running down the street with her throat cut.”

From the first few crime scenes, Lou tracks down and we again see those wide, frankly a little terrifying, eyes looking into the camera with a feverish desire to get something good. We see unethical boundaries being crossed when Lou enters the home of a victim (and scene of the crime) to get some good shots on the other side of the yellow tape, and when he rearranges the body of a dead man extricated from his vehicle to appear more dramatic in the video. Ah – it’s what I’ve been learning not to do in all my journalism courses! I knew they’d taught me something.

As his videos get increasingly better and in saying that I inherently mean bloodier and more graphic, his loyalty comes with a price. As if we weren’t put off by Lou’s character enough, he finalizes our disgust with a disturbing stereotype of entitlement in demanding Nina have sex with him if she wants to continue doing business. He gives this ultimatum while they share dinner, in a manner so casual you would think it was a normal business transaction and not the complete exploitation of a desperate woman.

The whole “if it bleeds, it leads” principle of it got me thinking about human nature’s craving for tragedy. I mean the warning of “these are extremely graphic images” is basically a teaser by today’s standards. This film does a good job of not trying too hard to make us see some kind of hidden message or stir up controversy – but instead showcase a fascinating kind of “seemingly ordinary” person and what he is capable of.

Lou’s evil personality transcends on the people he manipulates and that includes Nina – who was a weak target to begin with. He reflects in the final moments saying, “What if my problem was not that I don’t understand people, but that I don’t like them?” Ultimately, Lou isn’t afraid to dispose of people for his own benefit and give himself an infinitely superior self-worth. I’ve never left a movie more psychologically intrigued and disturbed by a character than I did exiting Nightcrawler. Throw in moments of incredible filming, excellent writing and the fact that even when he plays a psycho, Jake Gyllenhall isn’t bad to look at, and this became one of my favorite films of the year.

Follow Sydney Zuelke on Twitter @SydCaroline

Fantastic Beasts and Where to Find Them is a book that once only existed in the wizarding world of Harry Potter, as a textbook for students at Hogwarts. In 2001, J.K. Rowling gave us muggles a chance to immerse ourselves further into the magical world by publishing a copy of the book under the pseudonym Newt Scamander (the fictitious author of the textbook).

Fast-forward about 11 years. Warner Bros. proposes the idea of making Fantastic Beasts and Where to Find Them into a film to J.K. Rowling. Although intrigued by the idea, Rowling later said in a statement that she found the idea of the story being realized by another writer difficult. “Having lived for so long in my fictional universe, I feel very protective of it and I already knew a lot about Newt,” she said. After thinking it over, Rowling decided to pitch her own idea for a film to Warner Bros. Thus, her screenwriting debut unraveled.

The film will focus on Newt Scamander and take place in New York, 70 years before Harry Potter’s story. Rowling cleared up any confusion in the statement saying, “Although it will be set in the worldwide community of witches and wizards where I was so happy for seventeen years, Fantastic Beasts and Where to Find Them is neither a prequel nor a sequel to the Harry Potter series, but an extension of the wizarding world. The laws and customs of the hidden magical society will be familiar to anyone who has read the Harry Potter books or seen the films.”

While loyal fans may be able to recite spells verbatim and name every character and their respective house, there is little known about our new Chosen One – Newt Scamander. According to the “About the Author” section of the book, Scamander was a famed Magizoologist and developed an interest in magical creatures from a very young age. After graduating from Hogwarts (as a Hufflepuff), Scamander worked at the Ministry of Magic in the Department for the Regulation and Control of Magical Creatures. He also worked in the Office for House-Elf Relocation and in the Beast Division.

Over the years, he traveled far and wide on many adventures, describing encounters with thestrals, hippogrifs, Norwegian ridgebacks, merepeople and werewolves. With all his expeditions, there must be a story worth sharing. A quote from the book gives an idea of what the film may be after:

“I have visited lairs, burrows and nests across five continents, observed the curious habits of magical beasts in a hundred countries, witnessed their powers, gained their trust and, on occasion, beaten them off with my travelling kettle.”

—Newton Scamander

After the release of the book and the announcement of the adapted film, there was a gap of silence in regards to news on the film or Rowling’s involvement in creating it. That is until a few weeks ago, when Rowling tweeted an anagram to be deciphered by fans about her latest project:

Just 24 hours later, it was solved, and found to be eluding to none other than Newt Scamander. In a very clever way, Rowling stirred things up, bringing back our initial excitement for a new way to be a part of the magical world.

The film is set for release on November 18, 2016 and will be produced by David Heyman, who produced all the Potter films, and directed by David Yates, who directed Harry Potter films Order of the Phoenix and Deathly Hallows: Part 2. Throw in screenwriting and co-directing from Rowling, and we have a dream team.

If you would like to learn more about Scamander and his adventures, or read a forward written by none other than Albus Dumbledore, Fantastic Beasts and Where to Find Them can be purchased at the Muggle Bookshop for a few galleons.

Chris Rock and the one and only Prince put on quite a show last night as hosts of one of the most talked about Saturday Night Live episodes in a while. It was Rock’s first time returning to SNL since 1996. Obviously people expected something worthwhile from the previous SNL cast member – ratings wise, numbers were higher than they have been since Melissa McCarthy hosted in February.

Last night’s show didn’t hold back on a single controversial topic. It may have been a little heavy to open with Ebola and go straight into Chris Rock’s monologue about the Boston Marathon and 9/11 (not exactly timely topics may I add). Throw in gun control and ISIS on Shark Tank and they’ve covered every base. There were some laughs, however, once the initial skepticism and awkward “should I be laughing?” hesitation wore off. I don’t think Rock meant to be offensive but instead channeled his inner Sarah Silverman and gave us the kind of comedy we cringe at, but still seem to need in our lives.

The controversial jokes weren’t what made it an ‘alright’ episode, it was the anti-climactic skits and not-so-great writing on top of it all. Here’s my definitive ranking of last night’s skits from relatively funny to deserving of crickets noises in the background.

Best of the night

How 2 Dance With Janelle (Vlog): Sasheer Zamata plays a sassy 15-year-old who makes videos of herself dancing and shares them with her 3 million YouTube followers. Kyle Mooney joins her, playing the friend-zoned admirer. “Shout out to whoever started the countdown to my 18^th birthday, don’t know what that’s about,” she opens with. Chris Rock plays her father, who interrupts her live feed to lecture her on dancing seductively while reading the comments left on her videos. Out loud he questions what #WouldBang and #FAP mean, which had me laughing.

Swiftamine: “I heard this new song I loved. I looked to see who it was, and that’s when the vertigo hit. It was Taylor Swift.” According to a neurologist, in this commercial style skit, realizing you love Taylor Swift has become the leading cause of vertigo in adults. It’s what happens when one of her songs makes your brain fight your ears. Your brain says “Oof. Taylor Swift. She’s always wearing, a 1950’s bathing suit,” but your ears say “Shut up. This is a great song.” That’s where the drug Swiftamine comes in. Seeing Leslie Jones dance dazed in a tutu ultimately sold me on this one.

How’s He Doing?: This sketch has appeared twice before and this time didn’t stray much.“You’re watching this because it’s too early for football and too late for church,” Kenan Thompson says, leading a panel of “unbiased” (but actually very biased) people to talk about what it would take to not vote for Barack Obama. He explains the scenario that Obama’s two children talk back to him in public and he does nothing about it. Playing devil’s advocate one panelist replies, “Well I mean they’re nice young ladies so I’m sure whatever they said wasn’t that bad.” To which Thompson says, “Barack said ‘Ya’ll get up to bed now’ to which they said ‘Shut up bitch!’” This was one of the funnier parts of the entire show. The panelists are outraged but still say they’ll vote for him.

Prince: His performance was entertaining and included a classically good jam session. He played “Clouds,” “Marz,” and “Another Love.” 3rdeyegirl joined him and didn’t disappoint or shrink in the mist of the incredibly talented Prince.

Worst of the night

The Couple: Starring Chris Rock and Leslie Jones as a bickering couple who don’t want to be together on their anniversary. There’s a random Über shoutout and a daughter who uncomfortably yells for her parents to “just get a divorce!” I honestly couldn’t tell you any premise to the skit or a single time I came close to a chuckle. I’m sure it was an awkward pity-laugh kind of skit for the live audience to endure.

Weekend Update: Although usually one of my favorite parts of the show (especially with the old cast – shoutout to Tina Fey and Seth Meyers), this sketch was so disappointing. There was a lot to work with news wise and the potential for really funny jokes, but it fell flat with bad writing and more uncomfortably awkward jokes. The segment with Pete Davidson, the resident young person, turned a talk about STDs to him talking about sending pictures of his penis to his mom. Maybe it’s just not my sense of humor, but I don’t think I’m alone in saying that. To end on a positive, I did think the McDonalds joke about their new motto beating their alternative option of “Eat what this clown killed,” was pretty hilarious.

Go-Probe: It’s a play on Go-Pro in this new colonoscopy camera for the adventurous type. Although there were some funny one-liners, like “rides the rails of your intestines with ease” and “not-your-grandpa’s colonoscopy” the sketch was simply dull.

Follow Sydney Zuelke on Twitter @SydCaroline

As the leaves change colors, you should feel inspired to do the same. Fall is the perfect excuse to bring out seasonal colors and revamp your typical beauty routine.

My favorite colors to incorporate this season are dark, red-toned browns, rose, copper, gold and dark purple. It has also become apparent flipping through magazines and taking hints straight off the runway that the more natural look has become the new wow-factor. Flawless, highlighted and countered skin, long black eyelashes (skip the bottom lash eyeliner) and you have yourself a beautiful look. Here are some of my favorite trends, inspirations and products to keep you looking hot when the weather gets chilly.

Inspired by Marc Jocobs’ NYFW look (which is slightly ballerina-esque) try nude. If you do it right, it’s anything but ordinary. Lightened eyebrows, soft rose-tinted lips, bronzed and highlighted in all the right places are all key in this look. It’s perfect for a crisp daytime walk in the park (because us college students always have time to take walks in the park).

Try: Too Faced Melted Lipstick in Peony or Fig ($21), Clinique Chubby Eyeshadow Stick in Ample Amber or Grandest Gold ($17), L’Oreal Paris Visible Lift blur concealer ($13), E.L.F. Bronzer in Warm ($3).

(Photo courtesy of BBT Magazine)

Boudoir-inspired makeup is timeless and pretty during any season (but especially in the later months). Red lips, dark browns and blacks and beautiful full brows make you stand out in a crowd. Try adding a light shimmer to the corner of your eye or lining the bottom of your lashes with this look.

Try: NARS Velvet Matte Lip Pencil in Cruella ($25), Maybelline Eye Studio in Color Plush in Give Me Gold ($7.59), tarte Amazonian Clay in Exposed ($26).

(Photo courtesy of blog.jelanieshop.com)

Dark lips might be my favorite beauty trend to whip out come Fall. A crucial tip to remember: pair your bold lips with more subtle colors everywhere else for a classier, less overwhelming look – especially in the daytime. Vampy colors like oxblood red and dark purples are best.

Try: MAC Dark Side or Lingering Kiss ($16), MAC lip pencil in Nightmoth ($16), NARS Blush in Sex Appeal or Satellite of Love ($30), Sonia Kashuk Twist Up Brow Pencil ($7.99).

(Photo courtesy of glambistro.com)

Last, but most definitely not least, are colors that have a certain Game of Thrones/Kylie Jenner/Royalty flair to them. Dark browns, copper, subtle shimmer and deep sangria-esque blush give you the perfect fall night-out look.

Try: Make Up For Ever Shadow in Light Rosewood ($21), Stila Smudge Stick waterproof eyeliner in Jet Black ($20), NARS Blush in Seduction ($30), Kardashian Au Natural Lip Set in In The Nude ($14.99).

(Photo courtesy of fashionising.com)

It is Nov. 14, 1997 on the night of a full moon. The smell of lavender aromatic oils and the smoke from burning sage fills the air as a group of women dance beneath the moonlight. Elizabeth Stone, a former student at the University of Oregon, is about to partake in her first “goddess oriented” Full Moon Ceremony.

It is a ritual derived from Native American, Celtic and Wicca customs. Stone attends the ceremony for academic purposes, but writes about leaving with the interconnectedness, balance and strength the moon is said to bring to the female body and soul. You see, much like the moon, women have cycles too.

This account represents one of the many fascinating beliefs that the moon has a direct influence on human life. It is also, one of the many inexplicable theories regarding the moon and its supposed effects. The full moon in particular has taken the blame for several mysterious happenings throughout time and has become somewhat of an icon for the inexplicable and the unordinary. Explore the more recent and longstanding myths that occur when the sun goes down.

Interrupted sleep

There have been multiple studies conducted about what experts call a circa-lunar clock, the idea that your sleep patterns and the phases of the moon are subconsciously intertwined.

Chronobiologist Christian Cajochen conducted an experiment in which 33 volunteers were studied while they slept in windowless rooms. While sleeping, brain patterns, eye movements and hormone secretions were monitored. The analysis showed that around the full moon the volunteers slept on average 20 minutes less, took five minutes longer to fall asleep and their brain activity related to deep sleep dropped by 30 percent.

Scott Fisher, a University of Oregon physics and astronomy professor, described his doubt on the matter of this speculative disruption of sleep. He explained that the moon is roughly one quarter of the size of Earth and about the diameter of Los Angeles to New York. The moon is also about 250,000 miles from Earth with a gravitational pull minuscule in comparison to that of Earth.

“The effect of the moon on us day-to-day, physically and astronomically — is zip,” Fisher said. “I thought, ‘What possibly could be affecting our sleep on a full moon?’ and the only thing I can think of is the brightness.”

The luna makes us loco 

The full moon is often associated with a variety of insane behaviors. General increases in criminal activity, fits of violence and all kinds of mental breakdowns have been blamed to the full moon. In fact, in 18th century England, people on trial for murder were able to petition for a lighter sentence on grounds of lunacy if the crime occurred under a full moon. To this day, many law enforcement officials claim full moon nights tend to be busier and even more dangerous. But has it now become psychologically rooted in people to behave differently?

“My gut feeling is now that (the full moon theory) is embedded in our social conscious the behavior is self-perpetuating,” Fisher said. “I do think there’s a correlation, but I think it is due to the fact that the moon is brighter and that’s when people tend to get mischievous outside.”

From a scientific and astronomical-physics point of view, because it is brighter during a full moon, people are more active.

Medical trauma surges

Suicide, heart attacks and seizures are all said to increase on a full moon. Rumor has it that an electrochemistry in the brains of epileptic patients changes in the days surrounding a new moon — making seizures more likely to occur. Another theory is that seizures were once blamed on witchcraft, so blaming the moon may stem from a history of human tendency to choose mythical explanations rather than medical facts.

Data that does account for the myth is in regards to medical emergencies with animals. A Colorado State University study found that emergency room visits were 23 percent higher for cats and 28 percent higher for dogs on a full moon. So you might want to think twice before taking your pooch for a romantic moonlight stroll.

This one’s for the girls

Relating to the connection between the monthly cycles of both the moon and of women is the idea that a full moon can influence not only when a woman gets pregnant, but also cause her to go into labor.

This theory may have stemmed from the ancient Romans, who believed it was basic knowledge that conception and the moon went hand in hand. In fact, the Roman goddess of fertility, Diana, was also the goddess of the moon.

One way people have tried to make sense of this is by attributing it to the tides, since the human body is made up of about 75 percent water and the moon’s gravitational pull controls the tides of the ocean.

Once again, from a physics standpoint these prerogatives hold no merit with the expert.

“The gravity of the moon is completely dominated by the gravity of the Earth,” Fisher said. “So even though it’s almost a romantic notion, I don’t believe the moon controls tides within us.”

We think of Earth as the only planet we owe our lives to, but perhaps the moon is underestimated. It may even be ingrained in our subconscious, affecting us after centuries of lighting a path for mankind. And although many myths are sadly scientifically discredited, we will always have the undeniable lunar-effect on werewolves to rely on.

See the next full moon on Thursday, Nov. 6.

The 25th installment of The Simpsons Treehouse of Horror (XXV) brought a sense of familiarity and silliness with what has undoubtedly become a beloved Halloween tradition from the oldest running animated series.

We begin the episode with an alternate universe where Bart Simpson actually enjoys school and even ends up class valedictorian. Trick is, he’s going to school in Hell. With classes like ‘keeping the Yankees in first place’ and the reading of books such as Fahrenheit 451,000, he finds his true calling being a first-class sinner. He’s able to graduate Hell only after he completes his last assignment, to disembody his dad. Homer is overly willing to help his son, exclaiming, “C’mon boy, pull me apart like string cheese!”

At commencement, the speakers define Webster’s definition of success. Then we see Noah Webster (as in Webster’s Dictionary) in chains, a captive in eternal damnation. He asks in despair, “Why am I here?” To which the commencement speaker furiously replies, “You changed the ‘re’ to ‘er’ in theatre, I hate that!” Overall, this might have been my favorite of the three shorts.

Our second mini-story is dubbed A Clockword Yellow, a spinoff of the film A Clockwork Orange. Basically, Homer and all his buddies are glugs (thugs), dressing up and causing mayhem, beating up other gangs and bonding over their crimes. In the midst of their troublemaking, what begins as an implied reference to rape (one of the glugs claims they should be looking for “some of the old in-and-out”) ends up being the gang jumping in and out of an automatic door at a convenience store. After Homer meets Marge, she convinces him to leave his life of “glugging, shin-slicing, and eye-groining” behind.

The third segment of the episode may have been the most anticipated, in a parody of the horror movie The Others. In a blast from the past, we see a ghost family of characters from the Tracey Ullman Show, a show that first featured The Simpsons cartoon characters in the late ’80s. These longstanding original characters bring some nostalgia to those who have been with the show long enough, in subtle early characteristics like Bart’s constant belching and love for chocolate milkshakes. The ghosts of old-show’s past haunt their present-day emulations and start drama when ghost Marge starts to hit on human Homer, who returns the infatuation for his “younger” wife. Homer, to the flirting ghost of Marge levitating the bed, “I demand you put me down right after the sex!” While the premise of the last story was clever, it also felt rushed and ended quite abruptly. As the family kills themselves off in the last moments of the show, it left me saying to myself, “Oh, that’s it?”

I did, however, thoroughly enjoy the Despicable Me minion-ized Simpsons featured in the credits, so I left on a happy note.

The night’s finest quotes:

“Stop laughing. I said ‘penal,’ not ‘penile.’ It’s not like you made me say ‘penis.’”

“You went to Hell and came back a winner—like Jesus!”

“The power of Chrysler compels you.”

Homer describes Hell as “like Arizona without the golf,” to which the demon Skinner principal replies, “We do have golf, but all the greens are tricky.”

“I feel like a ghost the way you haven’t been paying attention to me! Plus, I’m dead.”

“Welcome to the most frustrating, befuddling and, yes, erotic book release party you’ve ever attended!”

“D’oh!”

“Willie’s got stew for the winter!” groundskeeper Willie yells as he drags the Simpson family’s dead bodies out of the house, in one of the funnier scenes of our Treehouse of Horror finale.

There is a special kind of excitement you feel when you see a familiar place on the big screen. A little slice of reality in the cinematic world we sometimes go to escape. Whether it’s the mystical qualities of nature, the eerie fog that rolls in, or the never-ending trees that line the windy coastal highway – there’s something film-worthy about this place, and that’s apparent in the many movies you may not have known were created right here in Oregon.

1. One Flew over the Cuckoo’s Nest (1975)

Oregon State Mental Hospital, Salem, Depoe Bay

2. The Shining (1977)

Timberline Lodge

3. National Lampoon’s Animal House (1978)

University of Oregon

4. Star Wars: The Empire Strikes Back (1980)

Forest Grove, Banks, Hillsboro

5. The Goonies (1985)

Astoria

6. Stand By Me (1986)

Eugene, Cottage Grove

7. Free Willy (1993)

Astoria, Cannon Beach, Oaks Park in Portland, Hammond Mooring Basin

8. Halloweentown (1998)

St. Helens, Portland

9. Bandits (2000)

Salem, Silverton, Wilsonville

10. Pay It Forward (2000)

Portland

11. Jackass The Movie (2002)

Burnside Skate Park in Portland

12. The Ring (2002)

Newport, Columbia River Gorge

13. Twilight (2008)

Portland, Estacada, St. Helens

14. Coraline (2009)

Hillsboro Animation Studio

15. Gone (2012)

Portland

New:

Gotham

Watch it on: Mondays Sept. 22 at 8/7c

Synopsis: The show takes you back in comic-book time to future Gotham police commissioner Jim Gordon. The O.C. star Ben McKenzie plays Gordon, a young police detective whose life is forever changed when he and his partner begin investigating the murder of the parents of none other than a very young Bruce Wayne. Even better, the show promises to portray the origin of several DC Comics’ villains, including Catwoman, the Riddler and the Penguin.

How to Get Away With Murder

Watch it on: Thursdays Sept. 25 at 10/9c

Synopsis: Expected to be full of twists, the potential protégé of ABC’s Grey’s Anatomy and Scandal stars Viola Davis as a “serious-as-the-death-penalty” law school professor. Her students must learn how to defend those accused of murder. However, their most crucial lesson comes when they get involved in a murder plot. Presumably, they must figure out how to get away with it.

Madam Secretary

Watch it on: Sundays Sept. 21 at 8/7c

Synopsis: If you’re looking for yet another political drama to get hooked on (hint, hint, House of Cards,) give this one a shot. Starring Téa Leoni as a former CIA agent whose former boss, now the president of the United States, asks her to take on the role of Secretary of State after an accident takes the life of the office’s previous occupant. Her tenacious, unconventional attitude makes for drama in D.C.

Mulaney

Watch it on: Sundays Oct. 5 at 9/8c

Synopsis: Stand-up comic and former Saturday Night Live writer John Mulaney channels his inner Seinfeld, playing a comedian living in New York City whose buddies (including SNL’s Nasim Pedrad) and wacky neighbor (Elliott Gould, a.k.a. Monica Geller’s dad) like to butt into his life. However, John will have much more of a regular gig than Jerry Seinfeld ever did, writing jokes for a game-show host played by Martin Short. Fingers are crossed for this one.

Returning:

American Horror Story: Freak Show

Watch it on: Wednesdays Oct. 8 at 10/9c

Synopsis: This series has centered on different characters and locations, including a haunted house, an insane asylum and a witch coven. Which brings us to the fourth, and said to be most frightening season yet – the freak show. Set in Jupiter, Florida circa 1952, your favorite characters will return as carnival folk at one of the last freaks shows of the time. With business trickling down the drain, its members will do anything to keep it alive. It should be quite a show.

The Voice

Watch it on: Mondays and Tuesdays Sept. 22 at 8/7c

Synopsis: New coaches Gwen Stefani and Pharrell Williams join the bromance that is between Adam Levine and Blake Shelton. Viewers may watch solely in the hopes that Adam’s phone number is once again divulged by Blake’s twitter in the midst of a prank war.

The Big Bang Theory

Watch it on: Mondays Sept. 22 at 8/7c

Recap: We left off with the aftermath of Sheldon’s mental breakdown, as he was faced with many changes all at once. The university would not allow him to move away from string theory research, the comic store had burnt down and his best friend/roommate Leonard got engaged, leading to Amy wanting to move in with Sheldon. The overwhelming adversities in his life caused him to take a train to escape his problems – with the support of Penny and hesitance of Leonard. We know that when he returns, Penny’s new hair cut could be a big enough change to send him packing once again.

Once Upon a Time

Watch it on: Sundays Sept. 28 at 8/7c

Recap: The season finale left everyone talking – mostly just the uttering of one word. Frozen. That’s right. Season four of the enthralling fairytale spin-off will include Disney’s beloved Elsa, ice queen of Arendelle. In the last few seconds of the finale, Elsa is revealed in what can only be described as chilling (no pun intended.)

The Walking Dead

Watch it on: Sundays Oct. 12 at 9/8c

Recap: Doesn’t it seem like it has been an eternity since we left the gang in the back of that truck? The season four finale couldn’t have given apocalyptic lovers any more-creepy communes, lots of blood or heartwarming reunions. We were left wondering many things. First and foremost, what is Terminus? What’s with the pile of human bones? What is Rick’s plan of escape? The finale’s last words: “They’re gonna feel pretty stupid when they find out,” Rick said. “Find out what?” Abraham responded. The leader of the group replied, “They’re screwin’ with the wrong people.”