First Lady of the Week: Barbara Bush

With a woman as sweet as Barbara, it’s hard to find any faults. This blue-blooded girly remained a loving wife and mother to George Herbert and their six children until nearly the end of her life, when she got a bit snippy and just darn-right tired of George’s antics. Seventy-three years of watching him toss horseshoes will do that to anyone. Though she passed in 2018, her appearances on The Simpsons, a show she once called “the dumbest thing [she] had ever seen,” live on forever.

Things we like:

1. Being on unemployment…like, a little too much.
2. Young Al Gore. Kind of dashing, no?
3. Women in Politics (Kim Yo-jong).

Things we hate:

1. Your ex getting Tik Tok famous.
2. Being on top.
3. Showing your mom Game Pigeon and then getting five requests a day to play mancala.

Dear Ethel,

Well, I’ll give it to you straight. I’m going stir-crazy. All the days feel the same, and nothing is new or exciting. I’ve been talking to my friends, and they suggested maybe I try something new with my hair, just for variety. So, I’ve decided: I’m going to shave my eyebrows off. In a final attempt to dissuade me, my mother is making me ask your opinion. Well, Ethel?
Thanks, I guess,

Skeptical Sally

Skeptical Sally,

It makes sense that you think this would be a good idea. I mean, I personally have never been so reckless with my appearance, but perhaps there may be an ounce of validity to how you feel. Let’s break it down, for my sake: you (clearly lacking a hobby) are getting cabin fever (much like literally everyone else across the globe) and so, in an act of “boredom,” you are going to alter your appearance in such a way that it will only look bad. Well, after examining the data, I have reached my conclusion: The problem, madam, is not with your eyebrows, nor with any so-called “boredom” you may be experiencing. The real issue you have is with your father. Don’t get it twisted, daddy issues come in many forms. Even I suffer! My father kept a strict diet of nothing but vegemite throughout my entire childhood. His craving was so immense that it nearly tore my family apart. Not a morning went by when the smell of vegemite didn’t dull my senses and leave me queasy for the rest of the day. “Please, Papa! No more ’mite!” I would whine. No matter; clearly you’ve suffered something similar. So, Sally, dig down deep and force yourself to look in the mirror. Is it your own, eyebrow-less face staring back? Or that of the one who ruined you?

You’re welcome,

Ethel

Aries

You’re in luck! With the moon in Taurus this week, there’s nothing in the world that can stop you. On Monday, you will be greeted with a dozen truffles from your lover. You will hold off on eating them until Wednesday, when you will discover that they are all filled with dog food! Congratulations…

Leo

This week you’ll have horrible problems with your natural musk. Sorry!

Cancer

With the sun in Gemini, there’s only one way your week will go. Yes, you will finally come face to face with your secret admirer! Too bad he will mistake you for Steve Buscemi….

Pisces

Well, well, well. Little miss sunshine, are we? This week, nothing can get you down. Not even that thing your uncle will tell you on Tuesday.

Scorpio

Written in the stars I see…a first love! Stubborn as you are, dear moonchild, you will finally open yourself up to loving that one pair of socks you’ve been purposefully avoiding.

Taurus

It’s. Your. Season. And thank god for that, because there’s no other way everyone else would excuse the terrible attitude you will have this week. 

Sagittarius

You will get something stuck in your teeth on Tuesday, and no one will tell you about it until Friday. 

Gemini

Looking to stir the pot, are we? You will find yourself at such a loss after having experienced no drama in the past month that you will cut your own bangs and it will go horribly wrong.

Virgo

This week you will get a handwritten letter in the mail. Awesome! It will either be from your favorite aunt or from someone you don’t know and you will be very scared.

Libra

This week you will decide you want to learn how to play an instrument. You will settle on the clarinet and then abandon it immediately.

Capricorn

All will be revealed this week as you finally figure out a way to see that mole on your back that’s been growing for a year.

Aquarius

Hi, ambition! This week you will decide it’s finally time to start that passion project you’ve been sitting on for years! Unfortunately, on Friday, you will see that the market for rat figurines is essentially nonexistent. On Saturday, you’ll pick a new passion project.  

Dear Ethel,

I am overwhelmed with nerves. My man, precious as ever, has requested that I clear my schedule this weekend so that we may have a romantic evening via Zoom. I simply am at a loss of what to do to romance my fella! I want it to be really special, something he’ll never forget. What should I do, Ethel?

A million thanks,

Anxious Alice

Anxious Alice,

Now, I’m no stranger to romancing under strange circumstances. I’ve done it all. What I’ve found to be the much needed spice to any sort of long-distant relationship is role-playing. I know, how did you not think of that! Perhaps it is your own insecurity. No matter, happens to the best of us. Anyway, it is pertinent that you really become invested in your character and the situation. Get creative! Use the space with which you are blessed. Light some candles, burn some sage, harness the atmospheric tone. Now, I know what you must be thinking: “Ethel, this is the best advice I’ve ever heard, but what persona am I to take on?” Relax, my dove. In all my years (and let’s just say I need more than just my hands to count them!) I’ve found that the sexiest, most romantic scenario into which any two human beings can be flung is in the throes of civil unrest. Yes, that’s right. Nothing will get your man hotter than mortal combat. Specifically, I’ve found great success in reliving The Battle of the Bulge. Let’s just say, it wasn’t really named after a German war strategy! So, dust off your boots, fill up your canteen and find romance in the mortality of your forefathers.

You’re welcome eternally,

Ethel