1. Sleep perpendicular.

2. Wear your pants backwards.

3. Spell your name wrong.

4. Stop drinking water.

5. Finally open that one door.

6. Spread really mean rumors.

7. Dig a deep, deep hole.

8. Stare at the wall.

9. Take a dry shower.

10. Get surgery!

Things We Like:

1. Ghosting your friends for the attention.
2. Watching just the first half of The Fault in our Stars before anyone’s cancer is back and calling it a night. 
3. Using quarantine as an excuse to not get birthday presents for your friends. 

Things We Hate: 

1. Orlando Bloom’s engagement to Katy Perry, almost as much as the pictures of him paddleboarding in the nude (DON’T look it up).
2. Toe socks and anyone who would ever consider purchasing them, past or present. 
3. Prince William’s bare, balding head. Such a shame…

Aries

On Monday, you will awaken to all of your belongings having been moved precisely one inch to the left.

Leo

You will have an accident of the bathroom variety on Thursday.

Cancer

On Wednesday, you will accidentally call your professor “Mom” in an email and they will not respond. It will be very awkward.

Pisces

On Tuesday, you will ruin your best friend’s Zoom surprise party by accidentally sending the link to only their ex-lover. Party pooper!

Scorpio

Mercury is in retrograde and only for you!

Taurus

This week, you will be insatiable for ratatouille. Poor, ignorant you, for you will be unable to spell it, thus disallowing you to order it online.  

Sagittarius

After what feels like years of pointless swiping, you will finally find the perfect match on Tinder. Too bad his pick-up line is quoting Mussolini.

Gemini

Hard of hearing? On Tuesday, you will try to clean your ear with a Q-tip, but only end up pushing the wax further in. You will be rendered half deaf until Friday.

Virgo

Dance dance revolution! Your Spotify account will get hacked on Wednesday and your algorithms will be changed to only suggest Harsh Noise.  

Libra

Hacker on the loose! On Tuesday, all of your photos will be mysteriously deleted from your device, leaving only that picture of you from middle school where you don’t know what to do with your hands.

Capricorn

Longing for attention, I see? On Thursday you will forget to mute yourself on your Zoom call. You will break wind innocently, only to fearfully see the bright green box surround your square. The class will fall silent. How embarrassing. 

Aquarius

Your search engine will randomly and permanently get changed to Bing! on Friday.

It’s Martha Washington!

Miss Martha may have been George’s First Lady, but he was definitely not her first man, if you catch my drift. In fact, by the young age of 18, she was already married to some 38 year old guy named “Dan.” It was totally not weird though because they met at church, and who could object to that? Nevertheless, later on in her long life, Mrs. Washington enjoyed such pastimes as sitting in dim, candlelit rooms, outliving husbands, inheriting estates, raising her four children, outliving her four children, and looking really hot at funerals. She’s been resting peacefully at Mount Vernon since 1831 even though she died in 1802, for she was later exhumed and moved just a few feet over. Apparently, she still looked great, even then. 

Aries

Beans, beans, they’re good for your…art? This week, you will have horrible and unrelenting gas. Tragic. However, on Wednesday, your tooting problems will be the source of your greatest creative inspiration yet. 

Leo

Everything you drink will be lukewarm this week.

Cancer

By Tuesday at noon, you will have finally found your mate! You can thank the moon for this dashing soul…too bad the only movie they’ve ever seen is “Rango.”

Pisces

Your Zoom Hinge date will be Zoom-bombed by your grandmother…who also was supposed to be on a date with the same Hinge match. You will be sent alone to a breakout room. Rough Tuesday.

Scorpio

With the sun in your ruling house, your productivity will be unstoppable this week! All of your efforts will be focused on perfecting the screenplay for that stop-motion short film you started when you were 11. Too bad you forgot the plot was all about the childhood trauma you’ve spent years repressing! Oh, to relive…

Taurus

The moon simply is not doing you any favors this week. You will have a bad case of the Mondays until Friday.

Sagittarius

Bless the stars! Things are finally looking up on Wednesday when you receive a huge job promotion! Too bad it requires going abroad within the next week….

Gemini

Pity, pity. On Tuesday, you will begin to suffer from a pesky post-nasal drip until Thursday, when you will convince yourself you have contracted the coronavirus.

Virgo

With your rising sign converging with the moon, you will have the Kahoot! theme stuck in your head until Saturday. 

Libra

On Monday, you will get a Ritz cracker stuck to the roof of your mouth. It will not dissolve until Wednesday. 

Capricorn

Stop everything! From Monday to Thursday, you will remember a huge family secret but forget it the moment you try to say it out loud. Poor brother will never know now!

Aquarius

Written in the stars, I see…yeast. You will either find great success in crafting beautiful, homemade sourdough loaves, or you will have a very painful time in the bathroom.

Dear Ethel,

I’m going to be honest, life in the bedroom has gotten a little dull. It’s become nearly mechanical and very predictable. Everyday, the moves are the same, the feelings stagnant. What should we do to spice it up?

Thank you,

Bored Barb

Bored Barb,

Boy oh boy, do I know how this one goes! Back in the day, when I confessed to my betrothed that I was craving more excitement, he suggested role playing as Peter, Paul and Mary! I’ll let you guess the role he was pining for…Anyway, it’s essential to remember that the problem you’re having is no fault of your own, nor of your partner. Nay, couples all over the world are experiencing the same sexual monotony. Do you know why, my goose? Trans-generational trauma stemming from the Irish potato famine. Yes, people all over the world are getting blown by the historical waves of the fear of never being able to raise nor eat a potato ever again! What you must do is conquer the trauma instead of letting it own you. When you are in the throes of a wretched flashback, find something that can be even remotely arousing. You know, I have heard that a potato is a hidden aphrodisiac. Makes sense, after all. Now, hop back in the saddle and mate-r with your tater!
To no land left barren,

Ethel 

Aries

You’re in luck! With the moon in Taurus this week, there’s nothing in the world that can stop you. On Monday, you will be greeted with a dozen truffles from your lover. You will hold off on eating them until Wednesday, when you will discover that they are all filled with dog food! Congratulations…

Leo

This week you’ll have horrible problems with your natural musk. Sorry!

Cancer

With the sun in Gemini, there’s only one way your week will go. Yes, you will finally come face to face with your secret admirer! Too bad he will mistake you for Steve Buscemi….

Pisces

Well, well, well. Little miss sunshine, are we? This week, nothing can get you down. Not even that thing your uncle will tell you on Tuesday.

Scorpio

Written in the stars I see…a first love! Stubborn as you are, dear moonchild, you will finally open yourself up to loving that one pair of socks you’ve been purposefully avoiding.

Taurus

It’s. Your. Season. And thank god for that, because there’s no other way everyone else would excuse the terrible attitude you will have this week. 

Sagittarius

You will get something stuck in your teeth on Tuesday, and no one will tell you about it until Friday. 

Gemini

Looking to stir the pot, are we? You will find yourself at such a loss after having experienced no drama in the past month that you will cut your own bangs and it will go horribly wrong.

Virgo

This week you will get a handwritten letter in the mail. Awesome! It will either be from your favorite aunt or from someone you don’t know and you will be very scared.

Libra

This week you will decide you want to learn how to play an instrument. You will settle on the clarinet and then abandon it immediately.

Capricorn

All will be revealed this week as you finally figure out a way to see that mole on your back that’s been growing for a year.

Aquarius

Hi, ambition! This week you will decide it’s finally time to start that passion project you’ve been sitting on for years! Unfortunately, on Friday, you will see that the market for rat figurines is essentially nonexistent. On Saturday, you’ll pick a new passion project.