No offense, Paul Giammatti and Eli Whitney, you’re both pretty accomplished. And sure, you deserve your “New Haven Notable” designation. But the fact that Lupita Nyong’o does not have hew a banner with her face on it yet? Now, that’s injustice. Not only did she give one of the best performances of this year in “12 Years a Slave,” but she is also slated to star alongside Liam Neeson in an upcoming movie “Non-Stop.” If it is anything like “Taken,” or “Taken 2,” you know it is going to be pretty bo$$.

I am not sure who decides who become one of these “notables,” (Toni Harp, is it you?!) but to move the process along a little faster, I have volunteered to write up the totally objective and factual blurb on Miss Nyong’o.

Born in Kenya in 1983, Lupita Nyong’o came to New Haven to study at the Yale School of Drama and graduated in the Class of 2012. To put that in perspective, that means everyone–except for the frosh and Maison Mathis–may have overlapped with Lupita at some point in their Yale career. She currently ranks highly in the School of Drama Hall of Fame, second only to Meryl Streep because it’s Meryl fucking Streep and duh (side-note: Meryl’s New Haven Notable hangs above Miya’s).

While at Yale, Lupita performed in a variety of student productions, including Uncle Vanya, The Taming of the Shrew, and–most notably–the freshman orientation show, “Kaleidoscope.” Lupita was known to frequent Atticus because she’s soo the Atticus type and would occasionally hit Alpha Delta for her post-show Wenzel–no ranch sauce, extra spicyyy.

If she wins the Oscars, she will be sure to thank David Brooks for teaching her the meaning of “humility,” and Allison Williams for failing to be her. This achievement would mark the biggest honor she has received since making it onto Rumpus’ 50 Most her senior year at school. Rumor has it that Nyong’o will be returning to perform at Toad’s in a one-woman show entitled, “12 Years a Rave.” 

Stay posted for future New Haven Notable suggestions.

We get it. You’re new to this whole “screw thing.” And this so isn’t a big deal. But, come on Sillimanders. Grammar underline on your Screw invitation? On your own name? That’s just “silli.” Maybe I am just bitter that I wasn’t invited, but even my Microsoft word knows at this point that Silliman is a “thing.” In fact, it even auto-fucking-capitalizes it. 

Just in case you needed another reason to hate on JE–we now have fucking room service. Yes, you read that correctly: homemade baked goods, hand-delivered to the doors of JE on Saturday mornings.

Basically, all you have to do is fill out this form before 5 pm the Friday before, and–voilá–the Keebler fucking cookie elves or someone will drop off cinnamon scones or banana bread at your doorstep. Somewhere the Barefoot Contessa is literally shitting herself with excitement.

So what about the plebeians of the 11 other rez colleges? Do they get room service too?? Sorry, this service is reserved for the bourgeoiJE only #ThanksObama #KONY2012.

Update: Students from other residential colleges can still buy the baked goods, they just have to pick it up themselves. Maison Mathis–watch your back.

I wanna lick lick you from your head to your toes (jeroomservice.com)

Overall, this project seems pretty quiche and we wish “JE Room Service” the best in their opening weekend. I know I can’t wait to pair a chocolate chip muffin with my Saturday morning hangover #soz. Who knows? If it’s a hit, you may soon find some croissants outside your doors too…

Just in case you needed another reason to hate on JE–we now have fucking room service. Yes, you read that correctly: homemade baked goods, hand-delivered to the doors of JE on Saturday mornings.

Basically, all you have to do is fill out this form before 5 pm the Friday before, and–voilá–the Keebler fucking cookie elves or someone will drop off cinnamon scones or banana bread at your doorstep. Somewhere the Barefoot Contessa is literally shitting herself with excitement.

So what about the plebeians of the 11 other rez colleges? Do they get room service too?? Sorry, this service is reserved for the bourgeoiJE only #ThanksObama #KONY2012.

Update: Students from other residential colleges can still buy the baked goods, they just have to pick it up themselves. Maison Mathis–watch your back.

I wanna lick lick you from your head to your toes (jeroomservice.com)

Overall, this seems like a pretty awesome project and we wish the students of “JE Room Service” the best in their opening weekend. Who knows? If it is a hit, you may soon find some croissants outside your doors too. I know I can’t wait to pair a chocolate chip muffin with my Saturday morning hangover #soz.

Cred: Mutual unproductivity

Before fall break, we all had our goals of how much we could accomplish in the days free. We charted the amount of reading we would catch up on, planned how far ahead we would get in our problem sets, and even considered starting that essay a whole week early. But, before we knew it, the break was over and all we had done was binge watch “Orange is the New Black” for five days straight. While “unproductivity” is, in itself, an objectively bad thing, it is the “mutual” part that makes this phenomenon credit-worthy. There is nothing quite like the bond that is formed between two people exchanging war-stories of how little they got done—it’s frankly thrilling. Hearing classmates say that they, too, regret doing nothing makes me feel just the slightest bit less alone. It’s like AA for Type-As. There is the old saying that misery loves company. The same rule applies with unproductivity.

D: Wrought iron gates

Don’t get me wrong—the wrought iron gates sprinkled around campuses are pieces of art. Have you ever stopped to look at the gate outside the Trumbull Master’s House? With its oxidized metal and ornamental flourishes, it’s pretty fucking dope. But there is an issue that these gates present: they’re heavy. And hard to open. And, at this time of year, pretty cold. I often find myself having to wedge my entire body to leverage enough strength to just pass through (the same applies to the doors in Commons). It’s the worst to hear people behind me snickering as I pull with BOTH of my chicken arms—so, no, I am not going to hold this gate open for them now. They can struggle with the masterpiece themselves.

Fail: Selfies with celebrities

Yalies have a fetish for “selfies” with famous people. Yes, a downright fetish for snapping pics arm-extended and duck-faced with whichever celebrity happens to be visiting campus. Whenever acclaimed visitors come to Yale, the first thing that enters our collective mind is often, “Will Herman Cain be down to be in my Instagram #SelfieSunday?” Formal photo-ops are so passé nowadays, so we fight and claw for a hot moment to get a camera-phone quality picture. Having a “selfie” changes the entire dynamic of a given picture. It makes the interaction seem casual, like Hillary Clinton is just another betch that I sometimes Snapchat. But Hillary Clinton (or Stephen Colbert, or Jake and Amir, or even Ted effing Conover for that matter) deserve more than a picture taken at an arms length. Our obsession has reached such a low that we not only upload photos of our own “selfies,” but we also post photos of students as they take their own photos. That’s not Meta—it’s just lame. The time has come to flip those cameras around and start acting rational again. We aren’t middle schoolers on MySpace anymore.

It’s time to put the “BOO” in BOOLA BOOLA. With Halloweekend starting on Thurs., it’s fair to say that you will need some pretty sick costumes for all three nights. Sure, you can always rustle through your closet, find a plaid shirt, and call yourself a farmer/lumberjack. BUT, then again, you’re better than that. Everyone loves to be zeitgeist-y and culturally relevant, so here are our suggestions that will be sure to have you winning the dress-up contest at the President’s halloween rager.

President Salovey- Inauguration Edition

There is nothing quite like the pomp and circumstance of a new university president that lends itself to a sick get-up. Let’s just say that the Salovey costume will be the college equivalent of dressing up as a Power Ranger MegaForce.

(Yale News)

What you’ll need:

• Purple robe
• Blinged-out collar
• Silver mace (any halloween store pimp cane will do).
• University Charter.

Michael Jackson Institute for Global Affairs:

Mess with all the GA majors by mashing up their area of study with The King of Pop. What’s Halloween without a little “Thriller,” amirite?

• Red leather jacket
• black tights
• sparkly glove
• Full-size globe/ other GA accoutrements

RIP Safety Dance:

I heard about this costume from a friend, so I am going to apologize in advance for stealing this idea. Basically this costume will allow you to recycle all that American Apparel junk, and still get kudos for creativity and incorporating subversive critique of the Yale administration.

What you’ll need: all the 80s stuff you would’ve worn to Safety

• neon clothes
• those silvery head-bands that every girl seemed to have
• spandex workout attire
• a large sign across your body, “CANCELED.”

Portia (President Salovey’s dog):

Handsome Dan—move over. There’s a new bitch in town. Throw on some doggie ears and a fur coat, and you’ve got yourself the animal costume of the year.

What you’ll need:

• Havanese dog costume (idk if these exist, but you’ll make it work.)
• Yale doggie bandana
• leash

Couple’s Costume: Wealthy Donor and New Residential Colleges Construction Worker

Every year it seems like people want to dress as sexy construction workers—not sure why—but it just seems to be a thing. Add some cleverness to this hackneyed outfit by pairing it with a wealthy donor, who can donate money to you at every party!

What you’ll need:

Person 1:

• monocle
• Pinstripe suit
• Monopoly money

Person 2:

• orange construction worker vest
• strategically placed CAUTION tape
• shovel

Dead Squirrel: 

Play into the conspiracy theories by embodying the apparent squirrel genocide that occurred over the summer.

What you’ll need:

• fur coat (or squirrel costume–see above)
• tail
• some acorns
• red paint

Group Costume: The New Haven Mayoral Campaign:

wikicommons.org

For every presidential election cycle, one of the most popular costumes is wearing those creepy masks that sorta look like the candidate and happen to be sold at every Halloween store. While there isn’t a presidential race going on this year, the New Haven mayoral election is a perfect opportunity for a great group costume. Not only can you dress as the two leading candidates, but having any additional friends parody the volunteers (voting registration clipboards included) is a must.

What you’ll need:

Harp:

• black blazer
• white tee
• pearl necklace (THE PEARL NECKLACE IS A MUST)
• optional: “Girl On Fire” played on repeat wherever you go

Elicker:

• loose hanging argyle sweater
• button down shirt
• khakis

Campaign Volunteers:

• Harp/Elicker T-Shirts
• Campaign Buttons
• Clipboards with voter registration forms
• any other miscellaneous posters/promo gear

YSO Ticket:

So you forgot to reserve a seat for the YSO Halloween show and now your are fretting about missing out. The solution: DRESS AS THE TICKET. Here’s the logic, there is no way that if you go through the trouble of recreating one of these “golden” passes that the people at the door will have the heart to turn you away. Honestly, they just won’t.

What you’ll need:

• cardboard
• paint for YSO writing
• optional: violin and other instruments to carry with you.

General McChrystal:

Guys always like to dress as army dudes for halloween. Up the ante this year by dressing as Yale’s very own five-star general.

https://www.wikicommons.org/mcchrystal

What you’ll need:

• camo on camo
• more camo
• lots of patches, pins, and awards
• optional: if you want to be a dick, carry around a copy of Rolling Stones. But then again, how about don’t.

Nintendo DS:

For all Directed Studies students with a passion for gaming, this costume is the best of both worlds. Dress up as this game console and carry around Herodotus or The Aeneid or whatever you’re reading now. Plus, you can send a pic to your professor to officially solidify your place as section asshole.

What you’ll need:

• cardboard for Nintendo DS costume
• some ancient books
• optional: toga (since that seems to be your “thing” already.)

And for the final costume…

The Poopetrator:

Like, obviously.

What you’ll need:

• White t-shirt and white pants
• Nutella smeared jackson-pollock-style on your clothes
• optional pairing: friend in police officer costume

Just remember that even if your costume doesn’t turn out as perfectly as you may had hoped, at the very least, we can all celebrate the fact that it is the 20th anniversary of “Hocus Pocus.” And that’s more important than anything else. 

Gentlemen—grab your tuxs; ladies—put on your ball gowns. Yale is going to show us all how to have a stuffy, over-budget, adult party!

When they said the inaugural ball was going to be “in tents,” we had no idea they meant the type of tent that shelters really nice weddings or swanky parties in the Hamptons. Student walking across Old Campus this morning were shocked to see that, over the course of this morning, a giant new structure sprung up.

If this video hasn’t already created hype around the event, the sheer size of the thing seems to foreshadow a pretty wild night. The last time Yale had a Presidential Inauguration ball on campus was two entire decades ago, so let’s get ready to party like it’s 1993.

Saturday is going to be a ball. A literal mothafuckin’ ball. When can you ever say that?

If you walk across Cross-Campus this morning, you will notice a shocking public display: THE POOPETRATOR HAS STRUCK AGAIN. This avant-garde exhibition of fecal smearing is a challenge to the Yale community: “Don’t try to find me. You WON’T. There will be more victims.”

photo courtesy Larry

All this additional press and spotlight has only made this scoundrel more aggressive. He has now moved beyond the confines of the laundry room and pushed himself into our most sacred grounds. He has not only pooped on our clothes, he has proverbially pooped on the institution itself.

Enough is enough. As students with busy schedules and larger commitments, we have enough shit on the line to worry about actual shit on a line.

photo courtesy Larry

The Yale Spring Fling committee has released a preliminary survey of potential performers for the concert this year. Sure, they already had a lot of good acts on the list (can we all just agree on Robyn and stop wasting time!?), but there were also a few musicians that didn’t seem to make the cut. Don’t worry, our suggestions won’t be the big names that will be impossible to get on our school’s budget *COUGH* Kanye *COUGH* #YEEZUS4life.  Rather, this list will highlight some key groups that should get put in the mix of realistic options.

LORDE: LORDE. LORDE. And let’s say it one more time. LORDE.

This New Zealander is finally getting the recognition she deserves—I just heard her hit “Royals” played on the speakers in Durfee’s, so we know she is destined for greatness. Also, since she is only 17, maybe we can even convince her to come to Yale for real (and then watch in amusement as all the a cappella groups fight for her).

Kishi Bashi: For three reasons: 1. He seems really chill and wouldn’t try to be a diva (I see you, Macklemore) 2. His song “Bright Whites” is like fucking sunshine and 3. He recently performed at Royale (where a lot of Harvard students got to see him), so this would be like our official reclaiming of Bashi.

St. Lucia: Because their new single, Elevate, is dope. Also, they are currently touring with Two Door Cinema Club, and we could, like, do a 2-for-1 deal or something?

Haim: This group of three sisters are not only master harmonizers (a la the Von Trap family), but also have some very catchy jams. They are going to be HUGE, so let’s be hipsters and get them first. Full disclosure: I have been playing “The Wire” non-stop as I try to bench press.

This is a throw-back pick, but for the sake of appeasing all the R&B fans out there, I say we try hard for R. Kelly. Yeah, I know, there has been some bad rumors about the “smell of his sheets” (…again, I see you, Macklemore). But he’s a living legend nonetheless. “Ignition Remix” has been my suite’s default pregame song this fall, so even if he isn’t seriously considered, he is still worth the listen. WARNING: Be prepared to be transported back to your early 2000s glory days.

And, for a bonus pick:

…this one goes out to all the dreamers.

All the people who are too skinny to drink milk, but not-crunchy enough to drink soy rejoiced this afternoon: ALMOND. MILK. IS. BACK. And in a dining hall near you! Today, a few cartons were spotted at the JE dining hall and our sources have confirmed similar results in other locations. After a brief hiatus following its Yale Dining debut this fall, it’s fair to say that Silk Pure Almond may finally be ready to make “the scene” for good. Best part of this news? We don’t have to schlep to Book Trader anymore to get our Almond Chai Lattes. HALLELUJAH!

Recipe:

1 packet of Tazo Chai Tea

8 ounces of hot water

1/2 cup of Almond Milk

Directions: Steep the tea bag in the hot water for five minutes. As it is doing its tea thang, put the half cup of almond milk in the microwave for 45 seconds (so it doesn’t make the chai tea cold, duh). Pour the warm milk into your cup and enjoy!

And for you off campus friends who can’t partake in the fun, here’s a lil’ vid we found on how to make your own almond milk!