Because I know where mine will be. Flavors Frozen Yogurt Bar. This is why:

1. The music is AMAZING.  The last time I was there, Pandora Ciara was playing. Yeah, you never would have thought to put that on, would you? Well Flavors did, and it was unbelievable. I could feel the music pumping through my body almost as intensely as I felt the chemicals from the froyo slowly polluting my digestive system. The time before that, I actually just started dancing, no shame. And the time before that, I just sat there awkwardly wondering why no one had started a dance party yet.

2. The staff is SO accommodating. So when Ciara Pandora was playing, it was, like 10:25, at night. I had completely forgotten that Flavors closes at 10:30. (For some reason, their website says they are open later than 10:30, but this is false. I just called them.) I just got my frozen yogurt and went to sit down with my friend. The woman working there politely came up to us and asked if we wished to stay, and we said “Yes, why?” She explained to us that they were closing, but she was happy to have us there as long as we wanted. Now, this might be a stretch, but this makes me think that they would be beyond down to host a party. Especially if we invited the staff, then they could just lock up after we finished? Ugh, totally makes sense to me.

3. It’s literally right next to Toads, and not a far walk from Box. No explanation necessary

Many of you might think that number 4 would be the yogurt, but actually the yogurt is not that good and the only drawback to having a party at Flavors would be that we might have to eat some of the yogurt. The only decent flavor is Original Tart, and even that one tastes mostly like poorly mixed chemicals. But nevertheless, this is only a small price to pay in exchange for the party of the century.

Let me know if you want to be put on the list.

Ugh I love candy. Like love love love. I could eat it for breakfast, lunch, and dinner. On a scale of 1 to Buddy the Elf, I’m higher than Buddy the Elf.

But there’s someone who loves it more than I do. He’s also beaten Shaq at his own game, fell off the face of earth and likely into rehab, and hit rock bottom when he took 5^th place on Dancing with the Stars. Oh, and he PARTIES. What more could you want in a pf? (potential friend, duh)

Aaron Carter’s got it at all. And lucky for all of us, he’ll be performing on the coveted Toad’s stage tonight at 8 p.m. This is a big moment for Toad’s, for Yale, for the city of New Haven. Way bigger than Snoop and Macklemore (no worries world, he’s on his way back to the Elm City soon!).

I’m wishing upon a lucky star that I can finish my p-set in time. Talk about incentives, amiright?!?

Really, though, it’s time to party like it’s 2000. Can’t wait to see you all shaking your tail feathers at Aaron’s Party!!!!!!!!!

To purchase an offensively overpriced ticket to da party, click here. I didn’t put out flyers (Well somebody did…).

Happy Thursday, y’all. And in honor of this wonderful February Thursday (this is an oxymoron because no day in February is wonderful), I would like pay homage to an old friend. Most of you gals probably know her. She was the scent of our tween years. She had one scent that came in a multitude of flavors. I call them flavors because they actually all smelled the same–different names, different colored bottles, same wonderfully amazing fresh clean scent.

I’m talkin’ about Herbal Essences. Ya know, Hello Hydration, the bright turquoise one that smelled of “coconut?” Or what about Long Term Relationship, that shocking red bottle filled with stuff that would suddenly made your long hair all the more luscious and desirable, in a long-term way.  And how twisted are you? Because I’m totally twisted, and my wavy locks just need that bright purple bottle to calm their shit.

I don’t know about you guys, but I loved this stuff. It reminds me of camp, because this was how the cabin smelled during shower time. Obviously we all had different kinds (we don’t all have the same hair type, duh). But like I said, they all actually smell the same if you think about it, so you get how my cabin smelled.

But the real reason I’m thinking of Herbal Essences today is that two weeks ago, Herbal Essences and I re-consummated our love. But not the Herbal Essences of our tween years, rather their descendent. The ones with the clear bottles where you can actually see the color of the shampoo? The ones that just smell like roses or passion fruit or chamomile, etc? The real good stuff.

Yeah, Herbal Essences is back and better than ever, and you too can find it at your neighborhood Walgreens. I feel like I’m 10 again, and I’ve never felt better.

In case you didn’t know, Snapchat is amazing. If you have Snapchat, you know this, and if you don’t have Snapchat you should probably stop reading right now and go download it just to improve your overall quality of life. But don’t take my word for it. Forbes magazine proclaimed that Snapchat has “taken over Yale” so if you consider yourself a part of the Yale community, you should probably acquiesce.

Today, my Snapchat life was forever changed. Math lecture was about to start. Cell service in that lecture hall is shit, but somehow I had enough 4LTE (4lyfe!) to connect to Snapchat. Boy, was I in for a surprise. “yaleuniversity” (no caps, dgaf) had added me as a friend.

I was shocked at my good fortune. It felt really nice to be appreciated for my true talent, especially since last night I was criticized for not sending “ugly” enough snap chats. I immediately snapped them a photo of me looking particularly studious (not ugly, never ugly), making sure to emphasize in my caption that lecture had not yet begun.

It wasn’t until I left lecture that a response finally arrived. Clearly “yaleuniversity” snapped be back immediately, but as I mentioned, the service in that lecture hall is shit.

I wish I could show you what they sent me. It was beautiful, exquisite, unique. I have never seen anything like it.

The FCC is either afraid people will think they’re lazy, or they’re convinced that freshmen need more structured social calendars. Whatever the case may be, let’s take a look at what the FCC has been up to recently:

Freshman Screw: What happens at screw stays at screw. Except for the Facebook album documenting the weird shit that went down. First of all there is an inappropriate number of upper classmen heavily featured (Hi Jeremy Hutton…). Every photo is a close-up–every droopy eye, clogged pore, untrimmed nose hair is crystal clear. There are over 200 photos in the album, so take some time to get close with all the randos who dropped it like F. Scott. FCC, killin it.

NEMO challenge: “We are calling upon you to decorate Yale’s campus with magnificent works of ice art. And receive burritos for it,” reads the FCC email. Then they had to extend the deadline. Whatever, the octopus on the submarine is clearly in a league of its own and going to win so I would hardly even call this a competition at this point. But real talk where’s the abstract stuff? All the snow sculptures are so literal. And nothing even remotely inappropriate? How is that even possible…?

Next up: Matchmaker. Maybe I’m not awesome at making my own friends, but FCC’s really rubbing it in by “suggesting” people that I’m “similar” to. I took the personality survey. All it asked was whether I consider myself an athlete, hipster, math nerd, or party animal. Go ahead and eliminate the hipster category, because hipsters (at least the real ones) would never self-identify as such, and they wouldn’t take the survey to begin with. Every athlete already knows every other athlete, so there’s nothing in it for them either. I got my results today, and I’m honestly just not sure what to do with them. Do I email my “matches” to grab a meal? What do I tell myself if they don’t respond?

What I’m trying to say, FCC, is keep on swingin’. The Law of Probability says that one day, you too can hit a home run. Alternatively, you could chill out, leave us alone for little while, and see what we do when left to our own devices.