Team Nicotine is gearing up for the new season. Indeed, the smokers are preparing the for rigorous spring season.

One member is excited, but nervous.

Photos by cade beck.

“With spring arriving, you can really stay outside and smoke all night during parties. During the daytime on a sunny day is doable, too. We can go into full-time mode, instead of just going outside once in a while when it’s cold.”

The smoker went on to say that they might have to buy cartons in Oregon because cigarettes are so expensive in Washington.

“That’s what you have to do if you’re dedicated to the team. It’s part of the ritual.”

However, the varsity squad of Team Nicotine is dwindling, with rumors around campus of cancer and heart disease striking when you’re like 80.

“Who wants to be that old, anyway?” asked team captain Bill Sealess. “I think iron lungs look pretty cool.”

Recruiting grounds have always been fertile, especially on the Beta porch and backyard. Some scouts have even reported some team members active at TKE, but many dismiss this as a rumor.

“Those guys don’t even eat carbs,” commented a Beta roasting a Turkish Royal.

Training usually revolves around a rigorous schedule.

“You get up and smoke … between classes, definitely when you’re studying, and always if you’re drinking. The most dedicated even go out during classes and come back smelling of flavor country,” said a team member.

Although varsity members are few in number, and can easily be identified by smell, the JV members are more elusive.

“They can be kind of annoying, just asking for drags and to bum cigarettes at parties, when they don’t buy their own. But hey! We’re a team,” commented Saul Mathmart.

“We’re looking to take all conference, but I don’t think we have a chance against U-Dub. Those guys smoke like chimneys, and not that eco-friendly liberal chimney neither,” commented the women’s team captain Stevie Natalies.

Some random stump! Photos by Faith Bernstein.

5. Tong Head in Tau Kappa Epsilon. Not only does it provide a great view of the majestic TKE parking lot, but it also has awesome shower curtains instead of stall doors. That way, you can pilot and co-pilot the pooper with someone. Plus, you’re literally shitting on TKE! And let’s face it, some of those guys really deserve to be shit on…

4. The Pit. Even though most of us know girls don’t really fart and just make fluffies, turns out they actually do poop. Guys pooping here is even more hilarious, just because of the illegality and potential loud noises (especially after taco night at Jewett) of the situation.

3. Some random stump. Love “Game of Thrones”? Love just thrones in general? Your feet get to dangle off of this hawt toilet seat to make you feel like a kid again. Nothing gives me wood like shitting off of a stump.

2. Fourth floor of the library (but only after a steak and egg breakfast). No one groans like all the NERDS on the fourth floor when someone interrupts their serenity of studying with a loud one. It’s also fun to make fart noises with your mouth while you’re going for gold, just to add some extra zest.

1. Bowl on top of Fish Structure. It’s really just asking for it. I mean, what is the purpose of that thing, anyway?

“I’m pretty confused,” were the first words out of senior Phi Phan’s mouth in an exclusive Skype via satellite in high-def 20 bit per second streamed through youtube interview with the Backpage, when he was informed that ASWC was “debating him.” “Is this some type of sick joke? The people who wear ASWC t-shirts are annoying enough, but now they’re ‘debating’ me! They owe me $14. I think…”

“Well we’ve simply got to debate something. And we were typing random letters into People Search and this guy came up. Should we raise him as our own? Or should we let him become the Mogli [Jungle Book Reference? Check.] of Whitman College?” responded Bayvon “Bullseye” Koorezian to Phan’s complaints.

Indeed, it seemed there was little point to the debate of the student Phi. According to Backpage fact-checkers and the New York Times, Phan was already at least 21 years old. Once again ASWC was just a way for Whitman College administrators to gather all the power-hungry Type-A students into one room and make them debate pointless issues. One Backpage reporter had this to say: “Nice work. Keep those annoying kids off the streets!”

Many Whitman students even admitted that they don’t even vote for ASWC senators out of pure hatred. Some even have  four to five drinks on a typical weekend night because “those assholes are in charge of our money,” charged an asshole, a member of the anti-ASWC division of ASWC.

“Anyone whose hobby is student government and not drinking is probably pretty fucked up,” admitted a drunken, disgraced, defeated (and humiliatingly alliterated) former senator at the Green.

Phan apparently confronted Cougarzehain for “debating” him at an “ASWC Townhall Meeting” that no one showed up to … except for Phan. “Stop debating me!” complained Phan. “But what else can we do? No one is following GOASWC on Twitter! #lame! #sorryimnotsorry #ASWCrulez” responded CougarsareattackingUzbekatstan, his name getting more and more misspelled. “So this is what you guys do,” asked Phi, “ is simply debate random issues that no one really cares about?” The President of ASWC simply responded, “Bullseye,” then went back to debating whether or not 3/4ths of the urinals should be no flush on campus, or just 2/3rds.

FIDLAR’s eponymous debut album leads with the track “Cheap Beer,” whose chorus echoes “I drink/ cheap beer/ so what/ [expletive] you,”  which sets the tone for the entire album. The song sounds like the Dead Kennedys moved to So-Cal, stopped caring about politics and picked up some drug habits on the way.

This theme of hedonism and drug use continues throughout the album. The group’s name, FIDLAR, is an acronym, standing for “[Expletive] it dog, life’s a risk.” Yet no matter how burnt out, cracked out and drunk FIDLAR presents themselves to be, they still have a knack for writing catchy punk songs. Their songs are loud, abrasive and full of hooks.

Their debut is reminiscent of the Replacements’ debut Sorry Ma, Forgot To Take Out The Trash, playing fast and loose. But instead of singing about the doldrums of being a 20-something in Minneapolis, FIDLAR’s topics of escape are surfing, skateboarding, drugs and beer. For example, in “No Waves,” lead singer Zac Carper croons, “I feel, feel like shooting up/ I feel/  feel like giving up on my skateboard/ ‘Cause I’m [expletive] bored/ I wanna perfect left and a sunset shore.” Indeed, they are a very L.A. band with an L.A. sound. “5 to 9,” a track running barely over a minute references Culver City, L.A. County and, of course, drinking 40′s.

FIDLAR does, on the other hand, provide a refreshing breath of fresh air to the “indie” music scene, while Tame Impala and The XX use reverb and in-studio effects that can be a bit over the top, FIDLAR writes straightforward catchy punk songs. In other words, FIDLAR is writing “unpretentious” songs (just kidding). Their style can be compared to the Black Lips or Wavves, especially because their  style is bent on acting like bored suburban white kids playing punk rock. Yet FIDLAR’s guitar work is impressive; their songs are abrasive, yet uniquely catchy. Their lyrical topics can be a bit redundant  but definitely fun to sing along to. Overall, I have high hopes for this band with such a solid debut.

Gathered around a Prentiss Dining Hall brunch table, Jewett Hall resident Gabriela Stevens revealed to her friends that she had gone on “THE BEST DATE EVER” the previous evening. Later, in an exclusive Skype session with the Backpage’s romance expert, she revealed the intimate details of this apparent Romeo “without the whole pedophile thing” on campus.

“This guy is as original and cute as my nose ring,” admitted Stevens, not looking around Prentiss.

The two had met at the TKE Post-I, where a conversation about Stevens’ very original music taste had commenced.

“Well, I am a Taylor Swift fan,” giggled Stevens. “Then he asked me to get coffee because of that. I felt like someone finally recognized how unique I am because I like Taylor Swift a moderate amount.”

And how did this tale of epic proportions continue? In the romantic lush of the wheat fields? In the soothing green land of Narnia? In the blood-stained dungeonarium of  the Beta Basement?

“Nay,” neighed Stevens, quite like a horse. “We just met on Ankeny [Field] and walked to some AWESOME coffee shop. I’d never been there before. But the place just reminded me of romance.”

The fact that the place reminded her of romance may have been because she actually had been there on a romantic evening involving carriage rides, roses and Yellowtail. Regrettably she had been accidentally hit on the back of the head at the end of the night by a drunk Whitman College baseball pitcher playing catch with himself, excited about his recent victories, removing all such memory.

And what did they drink?

“Well, my epic portion was a coffee. He just had water, which was awesome. I love Dasani,” chirped Stevens. “Then he just listened to me for like 20 minutes. I have so many things to talk about because my life experience has been so different from many of those here at Whitman,” admitted the outdoorsy, Seattle-born, upper-middle-class white girl.

“He also just had the most concerned look on his face for most of the time. And I’m pretty sure he was clutching his crotch, like my words were turning him on. That was hot,” said Stevens.

The two walked out after her date paid for both.

“So classy to pay for his date’s drink. Next time I see him working grounds crew or at Prentiss in the dish pit I’m going to give him a hug. Plus, since I didn’t have to spend my allowance that my parents give me I can get Grey Goose this weekend.”

“Then he told me I was super hot. And I love hearing that, because, I mean let’s face it,” said Stevens, looking at herself in the mirror.

“The best date I ever went on. He paid, and he didn’t demand anything because of it. And that was a big turn-on. But not, you know, big enough,” were Stevens’ final elbow-jabbing comments to this reporter.