The person at Yale-New Haven does not have ebola, according to the Hartford Courant.

Everyone text your mom.

The Yale Club of NYC (@YaleClubNYC) has a twitter and it tweets some pretty informative stuff. Here are some posts I found this afternoon instead of doing my homework: 1. “Only a few spots remain for the first-ever Young Members’ Bottomless Brunch! You don’t want to miss this event” 2. “Kick off your heels and put on your court shoes for Squash in the City-Ladies Night! ” 3. “The Yale Club’s phone system is down.”

With tweets like these it’s no surprise that TYC of NYC has over 1200 followers. Here are some of the standouts on that list:

• JE Buttery
• Yale Class Rings
• Commercial Gaskets
• Allen’s Duct Systems
• Tomatillo Taco Joint
• EpicNightsNYC–”Tell us where you’re going and what you like.”
• The Union League
• The Bullblog
• The Yale Herald
• KappaKappaGamaYale
• Elite Beer Pong League—“the top beer pong league in NYC. Winter Season starts 1/30!”
• NYC Whore—”The true life account of a high class escort penetrating the hearts and wallets of NYC’s most illustrious male (and female) inhabitants.” No joke.
• Bank of America
• Mansfield College, Oxford

For its part, TYC o NYC plays pretty hard to get. It only follows 28 accounts, among them the New York Rangers, the Today Show, and the Dartmouth Club of New York. I got a Twitter recently, “but I just use it for news and stuff, you know, like to stay updated. It’s a good resource for that.” Maybe I’ll start following the Yale Club. I do love a good bottomless brunch.

Go vote!

Yo yo yo yo Piper Kerman is talking at a Davenport Master’s Tea at 4:30–today–I’m about to run there meet me there either go to this Master’s Tea because it’s going to be really dope or re-binge-watch OITNB because wtf else are you going to do right now but imagine how bad you’ll feel if you’re rebinge watching while the real Piper is talking about what it was really like to invent Crazy Eyes come on!!!! I’m walking out the door right now do it too see you there

We all know that the New York Times is the best source on all things rap–where else could you find a sentence describing Drake like this: “He was an interloper effecting seismic change in hip-hop, thanks to his dismantling of the usual facades of acquisitiveness and fearlessness.” Clearly they just, like, get it, you know? I wish I were smart enough to use the word “interloper” when reviewing a Drake album. Maybe one day.

And this morning the Times really stepped it up. In a front page Arts section article, which was titled “Shades of Oedipus for Hip-Hop Titans” (again, I just wish I were smart enough to write something that profound), they wrote: “On ‘New Slaves,’ Mr. West unleashed one guttural scream after the next.” Wow, here I was, sitting there eating Frosted Flakes like an idiot thinking that the song in which Kanye screams repeatedly is “Black Skinhead,” but the Times would never make a stupid fuckup like that! After all, in an article this January they described ASAP Rocky as “stylistic admixture supreme.” I literally don’t even know what that means, but they talk about rap with such big words that it must be right.

So, Kanye, the point is that you clearly mislabeled your songs. “New Slaves” is the one where you unleash guttural screams. “Black Skinhead” is the one where you say, “So go and grab the reporters / So I can smash their recorders / So they’ll confuse us with some bullshit / Like the New World Order.” Why so antagonistic, Mr. West? The Times gets you.

The Dalai Lama is such a boner kill. He announced today that he supports the use of marijuana in pharmaceutical contexts, and when I heard about his endorsement I thought, “Dope.” But then bam he follows it up with, “Otherwise, if it’s just an issue of somebody [using the drug to have] a crazy mind, that’s not good.”

I thought Tibet was chill… If they can’t smoke pot why does everyone wear those t-shirts then?

Free Tibet? More like dude, come on don’t smoke that here Tibet.

Willem Dafoe is trending on Yahoo right now.

What does this mean?

Google him. Find out why he’s trending. I don’t check Yahoo very often and this is only reinforcing that.

Check out the new beer pong table the brothers of MIT’s Phi Beta Epsilon are repping. Every good beer pong table needs a promotional video, and their’s is below. So damn swaggy.

Before I saw their promo vid I regret to admit I subscribed to the belief that people from MIT were a little nerdy… Okay, let’s just move on to the next joke.

You can forget those silly old regular tables with their primitive four legs and flat surfaces on top—this isn’t the 1950s, bro! I’ve said it once and I’ll say it again: Nothing says frat like a meticulously designed, conscientiously maintained, needlessly expensive piece of machinery designated to perform an unthinkably simple task.

The MIT table has felt on it, and everyone knows beer and felt are the oldest pals in the book. They go together like fluid mechanics and beer pong tables (see “underside of ball washing system” at 1:07). Also, obviously the table has illuminated lettering because it’s a well-known rule of thumb that beer pong is much easier/more fun when it’s played in the dark.

The real cherry on top is that the fun-loving bros at MIT have eliminated the possibility of slam-dunking on their table. A slam-dunk would make such a mess, after all, and it’s not like they’re going to be using that fancy piece of technology in a frat house or something.

(Two days till Gravity.)

How bad do you want that new gold iPhone, right? Damn, it’s so, so tight. The absolute tightness. It’s like the champagne of iPhones, the truest expression of Steve Jobs’s dream that Apple one day be the industry leader in Trinidad James music video accoutrements (I didn’t see the Ashton Kutcher movie to be honest).

If you’re walking down the street with a gold iPhone you know you made it. You’re somebody, anyone from a coke dealer to a coke dealer’s bodyguard. Or  just a really classy weed dealer.

Anyway, I’ve been tweaking so hard for that new gold product and I was wondering if other people were too. Yep, they were. The only thing classier than a gold iPhone is a gold iPhone that cost as much as a ten thousand $1 Rolex watches.

I started googling gold iPhones and found this apparently real-life website, which really was a godsend. I’ve only been able to fit 199 grams of gold on my stupid dumb old iPhone 4S, but for just $77,000 I can get the Solid Gold Superstar iPhone with its 200 grams of 18 carat gold. Where do I sign?

In all seriousness, though, the gold iPhone is really pretty tight.

When I approached him he ran under that Prius. I had a small heart attack when a truck drove by, but he’s literally hiding behind the tire! And I had to go to Italian class! I had to leave him. But he’s okay now.

Someone make him your own!

Unless he has rabies.

Diana Nyad, a 64-year-old endurance swimmer who grew up in Fort Lauderdale (TFM), just swam from Havana, Cuba to Key West, Florida without using a shark cage. After four failed attempts, she finally became the first person to complete the journey. She also ruined my labor day for a number of reasons.

First off, I use shark tanks all the time. Any time I’m swimming in fact, even in a swimming pool (public or private). If you think that’s weird, recall that everyone laughed at Ralph Nader when he wanted to bottle cow farts to store methane. But I think we all know Ralph had the last laugh.

And second, Nyad completed the swim in only 52 hours, which is just a real kick in the Speedo. I spent 36 hours this summer watching Game of Thrones from start to finish, and then spent about 16-ish hours brooding over how the second-to-last episode ended.  Who’s more impressive? You decide.

And another thing: there were jellyfish in that water and jellyfish have always been really rude to me at parties.