You know the usual places to go for coffee: Starbucks, Espresso Roma, DUX Bistro. But what if we become bored with this selection? What if we yearn for a café with a bit more character and unique ambiance? Here is a guide to a few café alternatives you can find around campus.

Marché Café

Nestled on the side of the Jordan Schnitzer Museum, it’s easy to walk past this café unsuspecting of its international cuisine and classy ambiance. It’s unlike any other coffee shop around campus with its modest, but delicious selection of French cuisine to choose from. From buttery baguettes, to flavorful quiche, to apple brie paninos, the place is unique and tasteful. Plus, the seating outside and low lights only add to the allure.

Lillis Café

If you don’t have classes in this business mecca, you may not hear about this coffee shop at all. However, it’s a convenient place to grab a prepackaged snack and an Italian soda. Seating is limited, so take your snack up to the top floor of Lillis and enjoy the view of campus through the building’s floor-to-ceiling windows. It’s especially great when the sun’s a-shining.

AA Hearth Café

Looking for a place to get coffee and lunch? A place unique, warm and inviting? Try AA Hearth Café in Lawrence Hall. Located on the second floor, this coffee shop also serves hot entrees for a reasonable price, including hot sandwiches. The feel of the shop is warm and inviting and the large windows and the hardwood floors make it all the better.

HEDCO Education Building coffee shop

With seats alongside a window, near a cozy fireplace, this shop is a great place to stop for a quick study session. It carries a selection of prepackaged, refrigerated drinks to go, as well as “Holy Cow” sandwiches and cookies. If you have classes in this building, great; and even if you don’t, you won’t regret the short walk to this unique campus building.

The Daily Grind

Located in the basement of the Knight Library, this is a great place to get a bite to eat or a cup of coffee while studying for midterms and finals. There are tables and couches, as well as donuts, mochas and cold sandwiches. Though the ambiance suffers a little since it’s in the basement, it still gets you a caffeine fix when you need one.

DuckLife is the Emerald’s magazine for incoming freshmen, made available during IntroDucktion. This story has been reprinted from the magazine in its original form.

She was on the cover of a glossy magazine he’d found while playing in the neighborhood with his friends. “Playboy,” he read.

Little did he know, Playboy Magazine would be the beginning of Gabe’s excessive consumption of pornography. In middle school, he would stay up watching late-night music videos on MTV and BET and softcore porn on HBO.

In high school, the world of pornography opened up with high-speed Internet — he could suddenly look at multiple websites at once, could explore different fetishes and watch hardcore videos. Gabe and his friends would sometimes look at porn together — even at school.

At the time, Gabe didn’t think anything of his habit. Sure, a day didn’t often go by without him looking at it. But it was like any other media he consumed, such as video games or television. Besides, most adolescents did it, and he was curious, too.

However, when Gabe was in college, something strange happened. Whenever he tried to have sex with his girlfriend, he couldn’t. As attractive as she was, he couldn’t get aroused. Erectile dysfunction at 23? Gabe didn’t understand.

“It was like my soul was ripping out of me,” Gabe said. “I didn’t have performance anxiety, I wasn’t nervous, I knew it had to be the porn. Sure enough, when I started watching porn, I would instantly get an erection. It was then that I decided to stop … the pornography was doing more to my brain than I’d thought.”

—

Pornography: It’s the entertainment of choice for millions of Americans. In 2006, its estimated revenues were just under $13 billion per year. Every second, the public spends $3,075.64 on its erotic allure.

“It’s a billion-dollar industry, one that’s now more widespread than ever,” said Wendy Maltz, a sex therapist from Eugene.

Maltz is the author of the book The Porn Trap: The Essential Guide to Overcoming Problems Caused by Pornography. Maltz began writing the book after she noticed a prevalent trend in her practice, something she hadn’t seen before: Clients started walking into her office with problems caused by pornography — perhaps a man would come professing an unhealthy obsession with porn, or a woman would admit she was addicted to cybersex. Maltz attributes this trend to the arrival of high-speed Internet.

“Pornography shifted from something we used as a way to add some spice to your love life, to something affordable that people can use anonymously — anytime, anywhere … it’s like vibrators are hanging from the ceiling,” she said.

There has been heavy debate on whether porn is unhealthy. Can it be called an addiction? Can it be similar to an addiction to cocaine, gambling or alcohol? Can it really produce the porn-induced erectile dysfunction Gabe experienced?

Waltz believes so.

“I believe it’s similar to other forms of pleasure, such as alcohol or drugs,” Waltz said. “Heck, if I were having sex with my computer, I wouldn’t stop either.”

Gabe believes the term “addiction” itself can be confusing. Whether it’s technically an addiction or not, he said, it definitely carries consequences. Instead, Gabe wants to focus on how pornography’s intense stimulation alters the human brain.

“The brain gets flooded with arousing images and video,” Gabe said. “And it over stimulates your mind, and I don’t think it can ever satisfy you.”

And there is research that suggests Gabe might be right. Mitchell Moffit and Gregory Brown of AsapSCIENCE made the video, “The Science of Pornography,” in which they narrate the possible changes in the brain that occur while a person watches porn. Sexual arousal releases dopamine in our brains — a chemical that motivates us to perform many actions necessary for survival: eating, exercising and even reproducing. So, when we experience high levels of dopamine in our brains, our brains communicate “more, more, more,” paving the way for addiction.

Although it’s not a physical substance, Moffit and Brown say the fact that pornography hits these pleasure circuits so directly means we react in some of the same ways as we would to a drug — we develop a tolerance to it, which perhaps forces us to explore more and more extreme images to satisfy our sexual appetite — and we can develop withdrawal for a period of time if we suddenly stop using it.

Gabe’s experience with pornography might be a testament to the medium’s messages. For him, it got to a point where pornography not only became an obsession, but something he couldn’t do without.

“It started with the pictures of the naked girls, then the softcore stuff, then the hardcore videos. It ended up getting to a point in which I was watching stuff I didn’t even want to watch, just for the shock value.”

“The Science of Pornography” not only talks about pornography’s addictive qualities, but also its ability to actually “mold our tastes and desires.”

Because pornography is so powerful, Carol Stabile, director of the Center of the Study of Women in Society, says that mainstream pornography could actually be used to our benefit. To Stabile, there is a lot of untapped potential in the realm of pornography. The medium, she thinks, can be used as an educational tool for both men and women. The problem, she said, is that mainstream porn caters to a very specific audience: men. It also produces unlikely expectations for sex.

Instead of producing porn in which both men and women are equally satisfied, mainstream porn tends to exaggerate the female orgasm (she always gets off during penetration) and glorify the male’s power and pleasure. The woman isn’t seen so much as a strong sexual agent herself; instead, she becomes the object upon which sex is completed.

“As a feminist, I have always been caught between the sex education and the sexual liberation dimensions of pornography — and then there’s also the overtly oppressive uses of it,” Stabile said. “But I think it’s true that most kids’ introduction to sex is through pornography — it’s accessible, it’s always there, it’s ubiquitous. And I don’t think that’s great. I think pornography, like other forms of media, has these unrealistic representations and norms. If that’s the first representation of sexuality, it’s problematic.”

April Haynes, a University of Oregon sexual historian, would agree with Stabile but takes it even further, saying diversification is what the porn industry is missing the most. Its limiting nature doesn’t even allow us to become as powerful sexual agents.

“Ultimately, I wish the porn industry included different sexual possibilities” said Haynes. “Now, you tend to see the same scene reproduced over and over — everyone is instantly aroused, there is a rush to penetration and orgasm is automatic. I think we should imagine what sex is in a more expansive way.”

—

It has been two years since Gabe stopped watching porn and he is happier than ever because of it. Today he dreams of becoming a public speaker, telling both men and women his story of pornography-induced ED with the hopes of communicating the “dark side” of pornography.

“I think it’s a very unhealthy habit, and I want to embrace sex naturally without porn influences,” Gabe said. “I’ve seen how it can affect me, and I want others to know about the possible dangers, too.”

Whether it’s the medium’s effects on the brain or its effects on our society, maybe there’s more to the world of pornography than we think.

My boyfriend and I have been together for almost a year. It’s all that a relationship should be: intense, worthwhile, loving. But it’s also challenging. All we’ve known is long distance — he lives in Portland while I’m here in Eugene — and we won’t be seeing each other for a while as he’s about to embark on a summer-long road trip across the country while I’ll be out of the country. He has already graduated from the University of Oregon; I have another year left, so we start to question: What will we do next year? He has career connections in Portland, so should he stay there? Or should he move down to Eugene to be with me and find work? Is it too soon to make that kind of commitment? Would our relationship survive if we continued to live away from each other?

I’ll be frank: It’s hard to fall in love, and stay in love, during (and after) college. By this, I don’t mean it’s hard to find someone in the midst of hook-up culture (though it is), nor do I mean it’s simply because college inevitably provides us with a multitude of potential partners (though there’s that, too). What I mean is that maintaining a long-term relationship during college is difficult because it’s a time in which so much is changing: our interests, our social circles, even our addresses. Being in a long-term relationship means rethinking the decisions we would have perhaps made with gusto pre-relationship. Suddenly, the relationship becomes a tool upon which every other decision, and its importance, is measured.

Should we study abroad in Argentina? What about that summer internship in California? And with graduation quickly approaching for many, these questions become more prominent. We suddenly have to assess job offers states away, internships in big cities and international endeavors. If we say yes to any of these, we are faced with the momentous decision: Should we stay together, or not? How do we make the transition from close contact to long-distance? Does moving to a new place mean a new life as well? How would a long-distance relationship affect this new experience?

The important thing is to assess the repercussions of either option — to take into account how staying together could impact your experience traveling or moving and how not being together will also impact your experience. Evaluate which would feel worse. Think of yourself in the future looking back to this decision. If the relationship doesn’t work out, will you regret having stayed together, or will you have realized that it was a risk you had to take? Ask yourself the uncomfortable questions: Is fear of loneliness a factor in this decision? How will staying together impact my independence far away?

And it’s essential to remember there is no “right” decision that applies to all relationships. You can be in a wonderful relationship and still decide to not stay together, that there are other things you would like to do, other places you’d like to explore, and you realize that being in a long-distance relationship will alter that experience for you. That’s okay. Or, you could decide that keeping a relationship going is beyond important, and that you’re willing to make that a priority.

Or, like my boyfriend, you could realize that moving to Eugene just to be with your girlfriend while you put off those connections in Portland, at least for now, is the right thing to do.

And that’s okay, too.

It’s a dating app boasting the membership of more than five million users within the span of four years. Available in more than 192 countries, it has easily become the largest all-male dating app in the world, allowing gay, bi and bicurious men from all over to mingle, hook up and find romance with other eligible men.

It’s called Grindr, and in many senses, it works like dozens of other dating apps: You upload a picture, answer a couple of questions about yourself and browse away — chatting with those you’re interested in, discarding those you’re not.

The app is different in a way many find significant: It lets you date others by proximity rather than location. This means that, with the help of location-based mobile services, men can see how close other potential suitors are — perhaps allowing men to accomplish casual hook-ups, romantic dates or new friendships that much sooner.

The company’s slogan, “0 feet away” highlights this aspect of the app and because of it, regards itself as a “new kind of dating experience,” one intended to get men off the screen and into the restaurant (or bedroom) as quickly as possible.

But University of Oregon student Andrew Frederick has mixed feelings about the dating app. He’s been using Grindr on and off for about a year now and has noticed some negative trends. In one sense, it’s useful for curing a bout of loneliness. In another, it has largely become an app for hook ups — perhaps due to its efficiency, its “0 feet away” mantra.

“The concept was good — a place where gay guys could meet each other, talk, see who we got along with,” he said. “But, unfortunately, it’s become nothing but a hook-up app.”

Bryce Bivens, a freshman at the UO and a former Grindr user, would agree. He even goes as far as calling it a “sleazy” app, one only good for making a guy feel bad about himself.

“What I dislike about it,” he said, “is how bad the guys on there can make you feel because you don’t look like their desired guy. I have met a few people on there, and all of them, except for one, wanted sex. Just stop looking for romance in social media and find it the old fashion way. Even if that sounds cheesy.”

Despite all the negative backlash, the fact is that the app is extremely popular. It’s become a part of the gay-dating scene, and its popularity has spawned a wave of competitors, such as Blendr (a similar app for straight men and women), OkCupid and Tinder. But not one compares with Grindr, which amasses over 10,000 new users each and every day.

Frederick doesn’t see these numbers dwindling any time soon.

“It’s instant gratification,” he said. “When you’re feeling lonely, or horny, or both … boom! You basically have a shopping mall of available men.”

It’s a betrayal we suffer when our traumatic experience of sexual assault isn’t validated by those we trust the most to protect us. This may lead us to ask: Are there some who suffer from this kind of “institutional betrayal” more than others? University of Oregon psychology student Sarah Cunningham would definitely say so, and the disparities may have to do with our sexual orientation.

Cunningham, along with graduate adviser Carly Smith and faculty adviser Jennifer Freyd, led a study in which they surveyed 299 UO students. These students were asked to self-report whether they were victims of sexual assault, whether they had been betrayed by an institution and whether they identified as part of the LGBT community. Of the students they surveyed, 29 were self-identified members of the LGBT community. The results that came after were surprising.

Cunningham and her team saw that across the map, those part of the LGBT community suffered more than heterosexuals — not only from sexual assault, but from institutional betrayal as well. Probably as a result, they also suffered more psychological damage — such as depression, anxiety and other psychological implications.

“I was curious to see if there was a difference between LGBT students and heterosexual students when it came to sexual assault,” said Cunningham. “And we found there is. It really brought the problem of institutional betrayal in the LGBT community in particular out into the open.”

And there’s more research out there that backs up Cunningham’s data. According to a recent study by Boynton Health Services and Center for Disease Control, one in two bisexual women will be raped in her lifetime, while 64 percent of transgender individuals have experienced rape at least once before. It’s clear, yet startling. There is a higher percentage of victims in the LGBT community than in any other.

According to the Rape, Abuse and Incest National Network, someone in the United States is sexually assaulted every two minutes. Only 46 percent of these cases will be reported. 

This lack of reporting is due in part to the fact that many cases don’t lead to an arrest and prosecution of the perpetrator, even when reported. And when higher-ups don’t take sexual assault seriously, whether they are officials of a university or police department, it’s likely we’ll experience betrayal for the second time.

Even more startling is the fact that many of these cases are never reported or are not taken seriously even when they are.

“There needs to be more institutional intervention to educate officials how to be supportive of survivors,” Cunningham said. “Some are just unfamiliar with how they should react in situations like these. I hope this study can get published some day and help bring awareness to this important issue of sexual assault and institutional betrayal in the LGBT community — and beyond.”

Prayer comes in many forms. Perhaps we pray for the family friend diagnosed with leukemia. The cousin battling an addiction. The dog we have to finally let go. Or, perhaps the notion of prayer, communication with a higher power doesn’t appeal to us at all and instead a stream of questions flow in and out of our heads preventing any communication from happening. Is anyone listening? Is prayer even worth it?

As human beings with immensely confusing, beautiful, messy lives, we grapple with these questions of a higher power often — a topic so grand it can sometimes become overwhelming. And in Anne Lamott’s new book, “Help, Thanks, Wow,” these questions suddenly become more simple, if even only a little. With wit and poetic prose, Lamott reflects on the power of prayer and the three prayers she deems essential — “help,” the prayer of surrendering oneself to life’s unpredictability, “thanks,” the prayer of gratitude and “wow,” the prayer of awe.

Though it may seem too short for a topic so grandiose (it’s only 102 pages long), the book is packed with insightful reflections on life and love, pain and grief. It’s not a book about religion; it’s a book about faith — in ourselves, in the world outside ourselves, in a world that hurts us, scars us; yet, a world that also gives us immense joy.

“Let’s not get bogged down on whom or what we pray to. Let’s just say prayer is a communication from our hearts to the great mystery, or Goodness, or Howard; to the animating energy of love we are sometimes bold enough to believe in,” Lamott writes.

Refreshingly, Lamott doesn’t bash or praise one religion over the other; she goes beyond that even, giving the book a universal presence — one that spans religions, spirituality, as well as continents. It’s not about whether you believe in God or not, it’s about taking the time to think of life in a new, more selfless way. It’s about realizing that Life, “life” with a capital “L” is way bigger than yourself.

She writes, “I do not know much about God and prayer, but I have come to believe, over the past twenty-five years, that there’s something to be said about keeping prayer simple. Help. Thanks. Wow.”

Help. The prayer we say when the suffering is too much, when we realize we can’t control everything and that we must surrender in order to heal. It’s the prayer we say when we’re in financial ruins. When we experience a horrible break-up or when a tragedy changes everything we deemed unchangeable. This is when we become utterly vulnerable, Lamott says, and when we finally breathe, relieving ourselves of the power we struggle so painfully to hold on to. It is only then, Lamott says, that we begin the “daily walk of restoration.”

She writes, “If I were going to begin practicing the presence of God for the first time today, it would help to begin by admitting the three most terrible truths of our existence: that we are so ruined, and so loved and in charge of so little.”

As she moves along in the book, Lamott talks about the other two “essential” prayers: “thanks” and “wow.” It’s easy to express gratitude, she says, when everything is going well in our lives. But it’s realizing what we have even in destruction — family, kind strangers, a warm home — that brings us closer with a spiritually deeper meaning to life.

“Sometimes circumstances conspire to remind us or even let us glimpse how thin the membrane is between here and there, between birth and the grave, between the human and the divine. In wonder at the occasional direct experience of this, we say, ‘thank you.’”

The prayer: “wow,” Lamott says, goes beyond just gratitude. It is about being in awe of the beauty of every day life. The changing seasons. The birth of a child. The smile of a stranger. She brings in everything from the mundane to the explicit beauty we witness every day to illustrate the awe we can witness if we only open up our eyes to it. If we welcome it, if we allow ourselves to live — truly live.

While she shares with us her wisdom, Lamott’s voice never loses its down-to-earth tone and humorous quality. After all, she’s no professional on spirituality and psychology (but then again, who is?), and we almost feel like we are talking to her personally, as if we were speaking over wine or dinner. Although at times Lamott rambles maybe a little much, her words are always chosen with such poetic precision that you’ll be quick to forgive her for any unnecessary repetition. In this book, every word counts.

As honest as she is wise, Lamott approaches topics of spirituality, love, life and death in this small volume of reflections. With attention to the little and the big, to the beautiful and the ugly, it’s a book about relating to something bigger than ourselves, whatever it may be, through three essential prayers.

Dear Katherine,

About a week ago, a guy at a party swept me off my feet — and right away, we both knew there was an instant connection and energy neither of us could ignore. He lives a state away but is moving to Eugene in June. We’ve been talking via text and phone calls every single day since we met at the party. The only problem is he is pushing we get intimate a little quicker than I was anticipating. We’ve only seen each other face-to-face for a few hours, but throughout the past week, we have really made an effort to get to know each other. I am really attracted to him, however, I am just afraid pushing intimacy could hinder my friendship with him and, more than anything, I don’t want to lose his friendship. What should I do?

Sincerely,

Flattered Yet Cautious.

—-

Dear Flattered Yet Cautious,

First, it’s great you found a guy you can connect with. However, if your gut is telling you not to move too fast, don’t. I’m curious — how is he pushing intimacy with you? Is he being aggressive (verbally) about it? If so, definitely express to him your hesitations about getting together too fast; tell him you’d like to take the time to get to know each other more. Because the reality is, even if you are speaking frequently and already feel close to him, you have only known him for a week — enough time to sense a connection but not enough time to truly develop it.

Be open with him about your feelings and concerns. If he doesn’t respect your wishes, he’s not worth it. If he is sensitive to your feelings and really values the connection you two already have, he would be willing, glad even, to do what makes you feel comfortable. Don’t be afraid to be honest with him and go at your own pace.

If you’re worried about ruining a potentially great platonic relationship with him by becoming more than just friends, it’s up to you to decide what you feel is more important: A great friendship or a potentially great romance. The fact that you’re even questioning your desire to be with him romantically may be evidence of your lack of feelings for him. Or, maybe you’re always hesitant in these situations. I don’t know, but take your time with it. There’s no harm in taking it slow. Time will allow you to better see what you want out of the relationship — whether you want to be friends or more.

Sincerely,

Katherine

As KWVA’s 20th birthday neared, Thor Slaughter knew he wanted the station to celebrate by putting on something big — really big. He wanted something that would showcase the University of Oregon radio station’s plethora of alternative bands, be free for university students and ultimately bring the community together to listen to what he describes as “kick-ass music.”

“I wanted to do something we’d never done before,” said Slaughter. “Something that would make everyone shit their pants because it’s so awesome.”

So after sitting through a grueling nine-hour ASUO Senate meeting and contacting more than 40 booking agents, Slaughter funded and coordinated Betterfest: A week-long music festival from May 13-18 that will showcase 12 bands at the WOW Hall over the weekend with events leading up to the shows, including a kickoff at Party Downtown on Monday, an MC freestyle tournament at Diablo’s Downtown Lounge on Tuesday and a “Small Howl Showcase” at the Wandering Goat on Wednesday. Its name is meant to imply exactly what it suggests — it will be better than any other music festival. At least that’s what Slaughter hopes.

“I told my boss I wouldn’t sleep until I made sure the festival was happening,” Slaughter said. “It would be KWVA’s present to the community.”

Slaughter is KWVA’s music director and assistant general manager, a station he insists is the musical refuge for dozens of volunteer DJs, all of whom work together to provide the community and the world with music and talk shows 24/7 through radio and online streaming. They interview bands, host live performances and bring in community personalities. Basically, Slaughter said, it’s a station that brings in a lot of different tastes and people.

“Picture this: A really cool group of people who are all not just interested in music, but who are obsessed with music, nerding out and having a good time,” said Slaughter. “It’s like a bunch of 12-year-olds at a sleepover party, every day and every night. It’s really too good to be true.”

And Betterfest is meant to celebrate this fun, dedicated atmosphere. The festival’s sounds range everywhere from the heavy rock of FUZZ and the ’60s garage-rock of the Beets to the rebellious punk-rock of Naomi Punk.

In addition to representing a multitude of genres, the festival will showcase international talents. Some of the festival’s bands call Portland home, like the Helio Sequence, while others come from as far as Canada, such as Cascadia — a band who will call Betterfest their first American music festival.

“Each band has its own unique flavor and place in the spectrum of college indie music,” Slaughter said. ”My goal for the lineup was to pick cool, alternative bands that many don’t know about. People with their ‘ear to the ground,’ will be the only ones who know all of these bands. They know that they’ll destroy. Others will only find out.”

Betterfest’s lineup is evidence of KWVA’s own broad range of musical tastes. The station’s programming veers from experimental “noise shows” to late-night hip-hop masterpieces, from college indie tunes to alternative underground. No matter the genre, the station prides itself on playing the newest, most obscure alternative artists. To Slaughter, it’s about veering from the norm and creating one’s own musical taste. It’s about finding the golden nuggets in a world filled with mainstream glitz and glam.

In other words, you’re never going to hear any Taylor Swift or Lil’ Wayne on the station’s airwaves.

“We basically listen to all the music in the world so you don’t have to,” Slaughter said.

“The station has always made a point about not following the crowd,” said Scott Drew, KWVA’s music director from 1993-96. “It’s not going to play anything you would hear on other radio stations. It strives to be unique, strives to show its listeners great music they may have never even heard about.”

Drew said he agrees with Slaughter that Betterfest is a great way to honor music and the station’s history. If one thing’s for sure, he said, the station’s musical drive and passion has never faltered.

“It was always an exciting atmosphere to be in. It was basically a bunch of DJs sharing their passions with one another,” said Drew. “It was — and still is — about reaching out to the community, affecting the student body and developing connections.”

Craig Leve, the DJ of KWVA’s Friday-morning show, “Snap, Crackle, POP!” which he describes as a “celebration of melody in pop,” became a volunteer at the station in 1996. Having been a committed DJ for KWVA for 16 years, Leve has witnessed much of the station’s evolution over the decades.

“When we were first there, it was under a very old system,” said Leve. “There was no professional general manager. Students were working for a small stipend and the station was a program of the EMU. Now, all of that has changed. Over the years, the station’s strengths have constantly been enhanced by the skills and passions of the people who are part of it. Betterfest is evidence of that.”

With the festival a mere week away, Slaughter’s excitement is at an all-time high.

“It will be a festival that brings music lovers together,” Slaughter said. “It’s run by students, free for students and gives a face to all of KWVA’s awesomeness. I’ll challenge anyone who thinks there is anything cooler than that.”

Julie waited patiently at her husband’s favorite bar as he returned from a week-long trip away from home. She was eager for a night alone with him and wanted to surprise him. When he finally entered, an unknown woman sprang from her seat to hug him — and then kiss him. Finally, when he noticed Julie’s presence, he walked up and sat down with her and nonchalantly told her he didn’t know who that woman was.

And that was it. Julie didn’t ask any questions and their whole evening was spent dancing as if nothing had ever happened.

But, how? How could Julie, right after seeing her husband kiss another woman in front of her eyes, not even question his fidelity?

Because she was suffering from “betrayal blindness.” Or, at least, that’s what authors and University of Oregon psychologists, Jennifer Freyd and Pamela Birrell believe. 

Julie’s case is the opening scene in Freyd and Birrell’s recently published book, “Blind to Betrayal.” Hers is a great example of betrayal blindness, they say, because she “saw” the kiss but didn’t register it as an act of infidelity. She was blind to the whole betrayal.

But the woman wasn’t unintelligent or slow. She was a strong mother and would later become a successful lawyer; so, how could this betrayal blindness even occur? In an interview, Freyd claims it has to do with the way we cope with betrayal trauma. Betrayals are traumatic, she said — especially when done by someone whom we thought we could trust. The betrayal can be so traumatic that by subconsciously not “seeing” the problem, we are lowering its consequences. That’s where, according to her, “betrayal blindness comes in.

“By allowing ourselves to ‘see’ the betrayal, we are acknowledging it is there,” she said. “If we do that, we are faced with confronting the situation, the person. This is especially difficult for those who depend on their betrayer, and by confronting their betrayer, (they) risk their safety or stability.”

And Julie did rely on her husband for stability at the time in which the strange kiss occurred. She was dependent on him for a vital resource: money. With no job, minimal work experience and a son to watch out for, the demise of her relationship with her husband would have meant not only becoming husbandless but penniless as well.

Betrayals occur not only when talking about romantic infidelity. A child abused by a parent, a school neglecting the rape of a student or a man sexually abused in the military are all examples of traumatic betrayals. And, they are all examples of situations in which betrayal blindness can occur as a result of the trauma.

Freyd, who has done research on betrayal traumas and blindness at the UO, stresses the negative effects of betrayals, as well as using betrayal blindness as a coping mechanism.

“Betrayals are toxic,” she said. “Not only can it lead to blindness, it’s harmful to our health, potentially causing PTSD, depression and anxiety. Not enough research has been done on betrayal traumas and its long-term effects, and it’s about time we facilitate that research.”

Fortunately, with the help of close friends, Julie was eventually able to “see” what she had been so blind to before about her husband. And with the help of her friends, she was able to escape her doomed marriage.

“As a society, we need to make sure people know they have choices,” Freyd said. “The cost of betrayal blindness is too great.”

Picture this: You’re walking to class when you spot your girlfriend laughing and joking with a guy she met in her science class. Your heart starts beating a little faster, your mind swarms with questions and your willpower — the part of you that’s rational — struggles to contain it all. You’re jealous, and it doesn’t feel good.

Jealousy is a universal emotion. So universal an emotion, some insist, that it evolved with our ancestors as a way to keep our loved ones close and prevent them from leaving us. Acting as a deterrent from mate desertion, jealousy actually served a vital part in keeping the family unit intact.

So, while jealousy (in moderation) is not necessarily a bad thing, it can quickly accelerate. Jealousy can steer our thoughts to unlikely extremes; it can drive us to say or do things we, in our “normal” minds, would never do. Our jealous selves can become skilled monitors, constantly checking Facebook accounts, computer histories and phone messages for clues that could validate our jealous feelings — even if we’re only creating them ourselves.

So, why does jealousy sometimes become excessive? And how can we control it?

If we sense the jealousy has gone too far, we need to find the source to our insecurity and inability to trust. Is my partner doing anything that’s causing me to feel insecure in this relationship? Are there possible scars from childhood that could have affected my ability to trust (including parental infidelities, abandonment, etc.)? Are there other reasons for which I could be feeling insecure (familial relationships, friendships, etc.)? Are there other areas in my life I’m possibly unsatisfied with that are causing unwarranted frustration in my relationship?

With sincere dedication and self-discovery, even a relationship suffering deep within the throes of jealousy can ultimately succeed.