Dear Katherine,

Three out of five of my roommates use Tinder for hook-ups. It’s only worked for one. Tinder is kinda silly, isn’t it? How impersonal will dating be in the future? How much will we let technology dictate our romantic lives? Is relying on the snap judgments that Tinder employs unhealthy for my psyche? Is it absolutely crazy, or am I absolutely crazy?

Sincerely,

Tindered-out

Dear Tindered-out,

Let me begin with this, Tindered-out: You’re not crazy. Not even a little.

But that’s not to say I think Tinder is, either.

Let me put this out there: I have never used Tinder, but if I were single, I think I would.

I know this, because there’s a part about it that fascinates me. In fact, when I heard how it really worked, and saw my friends use it, I thought it was pretty genius: you can only speak to people who like you back? Well, that really gets through a lot of wondering, doesn’t it? On his part? On her part?

Besides, it’s not like these snap judgements don’t already happen in real life: We do it all the time. When’s the last time you met someone at a party? At a bar? In class? Did you feel attracted to this person immediately, or only after you spoke to them for ten minutes? It’s probably safe to say the attraction was immediate before ebbing and flowing the further you got to know the person. So, what Tinder is capitalizing off of is actually an old-age truth: Consciously or not, we judge. Hard. And quick.

But not all of our judgements are based on physical attractiveness alone. Researchers from Princetown University show that we decide within minutes who that person is — whether or not that person is friendly or mean, extroverted or introverted, trustworthy or a creep. Our judgements may not always be correct, but we judge all the same.

And according to Tinder’s “dating expert,” Jessica Carbino, a researcher who studied dating at University of California, Los Angeles, physical attractiveness is not the only reason we swipe right. We also assess a combination of other factors, like posturing and clothing style, in order to tell us more about who this person is, what this person likes — not just what the person looks like.

So, does technology make dating more impersonal? I don’t think so. Is finding someone in a coffee shop really better than finding someone on Tinder? On OkCupid? On match.com? Our culture sure likes to push that idea — that somehow it’s more pure, more human, to meet someone at Starbucks than online. But, no, I say. It’s not. It’s just another means to the same end.

That’s not to say you need to trudge forth and use the service if you don’t want to. If you still feel uncomfortable with it, that’s okay. But if you do have fun with it and just need just a little push in order to quiet your moral questionings, here it is: Go forth and swipe away.

Yours,

Katherine

Got a question for the Emerald’s advice columnist? Ask anonymously here.

One day each spring, you’ll find a diagram of a vagina in a large lecture hall on campus: PLC 180. The diagram is an intricate, detailed look at female anatomy with each part neatly labeled.

But, what the professor leading the lecture wants to focus on most is the clitoris. It’s an organ, she says, that serves only one purpose: orgasm.

The class is Philosophy of Love and Sex, and the professor is Bonnie Mann.

Four years ago, I was in that class, looking up at that vagina. I remember the same feeling in eigth grade, when my teacher spent a whopping 30 seconds discussing the clitoris and its pleasure-inducing powers: a little giddy, a little excited. That day in eighth grade, was the first time someone said aloud the name of that part of my body — a part that I knew so well, yet no one seemed to discuss.

I felt a similar rush in Mann’s class five years later, but this time I was hopeful, too. Hopeful because I knew from talking to female friends throughout my life — from middle school on — that many didn’t know what an orgasm was. But maybe, I thought, this diagram could help.

My friends were far from alone. According to the National Survey of Sex and Sexual Behavior, women orgasm only 64 percent of the time — despite the 85 percent of men who believe women orgasm from vaginal penetration alone. To make matters even worse, a study that involved almost 13,000 undergraduates and was conducted by researchers from Stanford University and Indiana University a few years ago, found that college women were half as likely to have orgasms than men were, both in casual hookups and long-term heterosexual relationships.

What’s happening here? Why are women orgasming so much less than men?

Perhaps it has to do with the G-spot. According to a review published in Clinical Anatomy this October, the G-spot orgasm is a myth and the only way a woman orgasms is through clitoral stimulation. Perhaps this is exactly what helped widen the gender gap: the amount of attention spent on the G-spot that could have been spent on the clitoris.

That’s one way to look at it. According to Mann, another might be the effect of our culture’s obsession with male heterosexual sexuality.

“Culturally, we are very entrenched in male desire,” Mann said. “All that time spent as adolescent girls looking in the mirror, putting on makeup…women’s sexuality gets tied into the power of allure, and they don’t have a lot of practice in being centered in their own bodies when it comes to their own sexual pleasure.”

Mann may have a point. After all, my friends may not have known how to have an orgasm, but they knew how you were supposed to give one. And to be fair, if a woman doesn’t know how to have an orgasm herself, chances are that her partner doesn’t know, either.

Lauren Stewart, a GTF in the women’s and gender studies program, sees part of the problem as a lack of attention to women’s bodies — particularly in heterosexual relationships.

“We have this idea that the grand finale is his orgasm,” said Stewart. “If she orgasms? Great. We really hope it happens. But it doesn’t have to.”

Hopefully, one day, Mann won’t have to pull the diagram up. But until then, show away. Because we all have a right to come.

Follow Katherine on Twitter @kmarrone1

Dear Katherine,

What is a better birth control option: the IUD or the pill?

Sincerely,

Searching

Dear Searching,

As I’m sure you already know: Neither the IUD, nor the pill protect against STDs. So, as long as you’re using these forms with a tested partner, or along with a condom if it’s someone you don’t know, you’re well protected against pregnancy.

Let’s start with the pill: How great is your memory? If you’re the type of person whose calendar is color-coded and you never miss an assignment, class or appointment, then the pill might be great for you. Miss one pill, then miss another, and you’ll have to take Plan B, an emergency contraceptive. Plan B is just what it sounds like — for emergencies — so it’s not meant to be taken on a regular basis.

But if you’re the type of person who is pretty on top of things, the pill might be the way to go: It’s very effective and, depending on the kind, can provide other benefits besides birth control. For example, some brands help with acne, give you fewer periods and lessen menstrual cramping.

If you’re a little wary about putting hormones into your body like me (maybe it’s the hypochondriac in me, but I prefer non-hormonal birth control methods) the IUD is an option: One kind comes with hormones and one without. The hormonal IUD is inserted into your vagina by a doctor and releases the hormone progesterone, which actively works in the uterus to prevent pregnancy. Depending on the type, the hormonal IUD can stay put anywhere from three to five years.

On the other hand, the copper IUD is the only super effective, non-hormonal birth control method around. With this type of IUD, copper wire is wrapped around the stem of the T-shaped IUD. Whereas the hormonal IUD needs to be taken out every few years, the copper IUD can stay there much longer: It can stay in place for up to ten years.

So, it depends: Do you prefer integrating your birth control method into your daily routine, or do you prefer — for the most part — forgetting about it? Do you prefer a method that doesn’t involve hormones, or do you not care?

Of course, there are other considerations to make as well when deciding what the best birth control option is for you (cost being one of them), so I would recommend speaking to a nurse at the health center or Planned Parenthood in order to make the best, most informed decision when it comes which birth control method is best for you.

Yours,

Katherine

Dear Katherine,

How long should you wait before you spank your girlfriend during sex?

Sincerely,

Anxious

Dear Anxious,

I wish relationships were that predictable and straightforward. If they were, I could answer your question with a mere few words — something like “after two months, get the whip out.”

But alas, it doesn’t work that way. And I’m sure you know that.

So while I can’t give you a clear time frame, I can press you to answer a very important piece of information missing from your question: What does your girlfriend want? Does she want you to spank her? Have you ever brought up your desire for some BDSM play? If not, that’s where you should begin.

Imagine it this way: What if she had a thing for anuses and shoved her fingers in your anus in the middle of sex without any warning? You may be turned on by it, and that’s great. Or, you may be turned off. Violated, even.

Same thing goes for you if you surprise her with a spanking. She could love it, or she could not. That’s why it’s better to be open and frank about it. That doesn’t mean you don’t keep it playful, talking about what each of you wants can be sexy — really sexy. Bring it up as you’re building up tension with one another before sex and ask her what she thinks about playing it a little rough. Tell her what really turns you on.

Or, bring it up after some great sex when you both are just calming down. Express how wonderful that was and then look at her — mischievously, of course — and tell her that while she was in (insert favorite spanking position here), looking so damn sexy, you kind of had the desire to spank her.

See what she says. It could just lead to a whole bunch of sexy conversations about her innermost desires, your fantasies and everything else in between.

You just might wish you talked to her about it sooner.

Sincerely,

Katherine

Read up on Milennials and you’ll learn a few things: We’re lazy, over-confident and coddled, according to TIME. We’re going to have a hard time finding work out of college. We’re tech obsessed, TV obsessed. We are the first generation to have the majority of its members support same-sex marriage and the most racially diverse. And we’re further removed from religious institutions than any other generation before us.

We’re also less likely to get married.

According to a nationwide poll conducted by the Pew Research Center this fall, just 26 percent of Millennials are married. When Gen X’ers were the same age,  36 percent of them were married, while 48 percent of Baby Boomers and 65 percent of the members of the Silent Generation (those born between 1925 and 1945) were married. Today, barely half of all U.S. adults are married — fewer than ever before. The survey finds that the young are much more inclined than their elders to view cohabitation without marriage and other family styles — such as same-sex marriage — positively (46 percent reported cohabitating at some point in their lives, which is double the number reported in the 1990s).

What are the reasons for this decline, and what do they say about the future of marriage?

Today, more than six-in-ten wives work (almost double from the 1960′s when many feminists likened marriage to a subordinate “prison”). And while more women work, more men stay at home. Data from the Pew Research Center shows that, in 2012, 2 million fathers were stay-at-home dads. Though not all of these men stayed at home to care for their children, the percentage who did (21 percent) is quite a leap from 1989, when only 5 percent of stay-at-home fathers said they stayed home to care for family.

Priscilla Yamin, a University of Oregon political science professor and author of the book, “American Marriage: A Political Institution,” sees thinks this shift represents an increased ownership of the future. Instead of following a line of actions many might consider the traditional “path to adulthood”— going to college, getting a job, getting married, having children— many Millennials prefer to make their own directions.

“I think people are seeing that society is shifting, so people are trying to figure it out on their own terms,” said Priscilla Yamin, “For instance, after the economic recession in 2008, they had to be more creative about getting work. And they also now may be more creative about how to structure their social lives.”

Jamie Bufalino, a UO history professor, agrees.

“Now relationships are more fluid — the expectation is that both parents will have to take care of the children,” Bufalino said. “So there’s a much greater sense that marriage isn’t a requirement for social cohesion and for a healthy state — by many, though not all, Americans.”

Still, even if men and women are both primary breadwinners, she is more likely to get paid less than he. According to a report released by the Council of Contemporary Families, the current wage gap means that women have to work 52 years to make what men do in 40. Michelle Budig, a sociology professor at the University of Massachusetts, found that men’s earnings increased more than 6 percent when they had children, while women’s earnings decreased 4 percent for each child they had.

Plus— despite the fact that most respondents of the Pew Research’s survey endorse a marriage in which both spouses work and split childcare duties—  67 percent of respondents say that it’s very important for a man to be able to support his family financially; while just 33 percent say the same about a woman.

“Entering into marriage may be based on a sort of egalitarian sense of love and romance,” Bufalino said.  “But once you enter into it, there’s a lot of social expectations that are gendered on the basis of ideas of dependence that we had a long time ago — even though that dependence may not still exist.”

And some of us are rethinking what has, presumably, gone hand-in-hand with marriage — monogamy.

Take senior Jessica Svetal.

Though Svetal grew up in a Christian community that insisted on marriage and family as the “backbone of society,” she eventually learned that being with one person wasn’t for her. A feature in Rolling Stone Magazine echoed this sentiment: Millennials, they insisted, had new ways of thinking of dating and sex than ever before — one edging away, however slowly, from monogamy.

“The more I spend time with people, the more I realize that different parts of me are compatible with different people,” said Svetal. “I’m starting to think that it’s just the way humans are meant to operate.”

Pew Research Center’s data illustrates this: 69 percent of those surveyed still do— at some point— want to get married.

Dylan Beal is one of those young adults. This junior is in the middle of planning his March wedding. He has been with his fiancé since high school and proposed to her this past summer. He wants to be with her for the rest of his life, so Beal sees marriage as almost a no-brainer.

“A lot of my parents’ friends aren’t married, though some have been together for ten years,” Beal said. “But I always knew that if I found that person, I would want to get married. Without it, I feel like you’re both separate a little bit. When you’re married, you feel more connected than when you’re dating.”

Nonetheless, marriage is on the decline. According to census data, the number of married women between the ages of 24-49 in each state has decreased every year since 1980 (except Utah in the 1990s). And that trend is universal: statistics on marriage trends compiled by the United Nations show that 87 percent of the world’s population lives in countries with marriage rates that have fallen since the 1980s. If that trend should continue at current rates, marriage won’t exist by 2042.

Even if a world without weddings seems a little far-fetched, the results from Pew Research’s survey are pretty clear: As alternatives to traditional marriage gain popularity, society is also becoming more and more creative when it comes to family and love.

And we, millennials, are spearheading this shift.

Dear Katherine,

My significant other and I aren’t very confrontational. When there’s something that bothers either of us, things are mostly disregarded. How do I increase the communication between us?

Sincerely,

Scared to Confront

Dear Scared,

We can probably learn a lot from each other. That’s because while you have trouble opening your mouth, I have trouble closing mine. When my boyfriend slurps his cereal or fails to put the toilet seat down, he’ll probably hear from me. Though I’m a firm believer that cereal isn’t soup, and thus shouldn’t be eaten as such, I also know it doesn’t matter one tiny bit. So, my problem is deciding when confrontation is worth it and when it’s not. And it’s not always easy. Just like how speaking up won’t be easy for you, Scared.

But, you already know that being open with your partner is vital in becoming your most authentic self. The way we relate to others is often something we’ve learned, so I press you to sift through the chapters of your life in hopes of answering this big, complicated question: Why do you fear speaking up? I know that my argumentative nature is linked to growing up in a household in which arguments were etched into the fabric of day-to-day life. Was yours the same? Do you find yourself scared of reenacting the past? Or was the environment in which you grew up in the complete opposite? Was it a space in which you learned that avoiding a problem was the way to solve it?

Perhaps you should ask yourself these questions too: Are you afraid of what your partner might do if you bring up a concern? If so, why? Do you think your partner might leave you? Is a fear of being alone distorting your view of healthy confrontation? Has a past experience with a partner scarred that view?

Write in a journal. Take a walk. Answer these questions with an open mind.

Then, bring up how you feel with your partner. Articulate how much you appreciate your relationship but that you worry that fear is holding you two back from being your most honest selves. Express that you believe that bringing up problems sooner, rather than later, will mean more time for respect and trust. Explain that it’s important for each of you to cultivate a space in which your opinions are expressed, heard and validated.

Then, create this safe space. Oftentimes we work by habit, so start with this one: Whenever anything that bothers you is a deal breaker, vow to express it to your partner in the most understanding, honest way possible. Let your significant other do the same. Listen the way you would want to be listened to.

It’s a problem you both share, but the healing has to begin somewhere. Let it begin with you.

And I promise I’ll let my boyfriend slurp his Honey Bunches of Oats in peace.

Yours,

Katherine

Dear Katherine,

I just started seeing this guy and we recently had sex for the first time. The only problem is that he’s well-endowed, and it’s been pretty painful. What can we do about it?

— Bigger Ain’t Always Better

Dear Bigger,

I’d like for every guy insecure about the size of his penis to read this question. It’s evidence that — although our society might have you think otherwise — pleasure can’t be measured in inches. Sexuality is subjective and what one likes another might not.

But I digress.

First, let’s identify the kind of pain you are feeling. Is it more of an external one: a certain soreness outside and around the vagina caused by friction? Or is it more internal? If it’s the former, it’s likely an issue to do with lubrication. Are you fully aroused by the time he penetrates you? You might find that with a little more teasing, touching or clitoris rubbing you’ll be even more ready to go. Even if arousal isn’t an issue, you could still use a little extra lube to ease the friction. If you’re using a condom, is it lubricated?

If the pain is more internal, it might mean that his penis is hitting your cervix — the lower part of the uterus that connects the uterus and vagina. It’s a pain I’m familiar with — especially when I was with a larger ex-boyfriend of mine — and it hurts. A lot. If this is what you think you’re feeling, try positions that make it harder for his penis to reach the cervix and easier for you to control the depth of his thrusts. For example: You on top or each of you on your sides, facing each other (a personal favorite). Rear-entry positions, though I’ve found them as some of the most pleasurable, are especially dangerous when it comes to cervix-bumping. It’s easy in positions like doggie-style to get too deep.

The more aroused you are, the further the cervix ascends while lengthening your vagina which makes it less likely for the penis to reach. So, again, arousal level could be something to consider to improve your comfort.

All in all, you mentioned that this is a new relationship, so you have time to explore what works best for both of you. The mere fact that you phrased your last question with “we” instead of “I” is a good sign. You see this as a challenge for the both of you to tackle. And a fun one at that. Keep the communication going. Keep it open. Keep it honest.

Have fun.

Katherine

Katherine Marrone is an opinion writer for the Emerald. Follow her on Twitter @kmarrone1

Dan Savage comes to University of Oregon

If someone could be a national icon because of sex alone, it’s Dan Savage. He’s a renowned sex advice columnist (his column is featured in the Eugene Weekly, as well as other publications across the nation) who’s best known for his quick, witty advice to whatever sexual or romantic questions one might have.

So, it’s probably no surprise that tickets to his show “Savage Love Live” at the University of Oregon were sold out within three days after they went on sale.

Worried that your kinky fetish is abnormal? Savage makes you feel at ease. Want to know whether or not you should explore your sexuality or stick to your partner? He’d probably recommend exploring. Dan Savage doesn’t hold back when it comes to sex. And he didn’t hold back when he came to the University of Oregon, either. He even gave a “sex talk” to the Emerald. His advice for college students when it comes to sex? Don’t waste that time when you’re young and hot.

Oregon legalized same-sex marriage

It was bound to happen eventually. The question was varying: When? When would it be legal for people of sexual identities to marry one another in Oregon? On May 19, the question was answered when Oregon became the 33rd state in the United States to legalize same-sex marriage. Crowds of same-sex couples filled courtrooms all over the country, hand-in-hand, eager to confirm their union with the state – a union that, for some, had lasted as long as decades. The couples filled the courtroom in Lane County that day and thereafter. It’s a step in the LGBTQ* movement that will make history forever – a day that no one will likely forget.

It may have been a long time coming, but, hey, at least Oregon wasn’t the last.

You’re about to begin your last year of college — the last year you can call yourself an undergraduate and, for many of you, the last year you could call yourself a student, period. It’ll be the last year you will be surrounded by so many of your peers, all in one place, and have something huge in common: The identity of being a Duck. It’s the last year you’ll be scheduling your classes, seeing Frog as you head to Caspian’s every day, spending night after night at the library.

Thinking about this, the emotions you experience are probably mixed: nostalgia, excitement, an unnerving sense of unpredictability. But at the base of that whirlpool is the thought “what now?” What will this year mean in terms of my college experience, and what will I do besides think about what I have to do after?

If I have one piece of advice, it would be this: Don’t take this year lightly. Remember “senioritis?” That term everyone used back in high school to describe the seniors who mentally “checked out” before they graduated? Yes? Well, don’t do that. Don’t “check out” and hang out in your bedroom watching Netflix all day. It’s tempting, of course. You’re about to leave Eugene (presumably) so what does it matter what you do this year?

To put it bluntly: It does matter. Pardon the cliche, but you need to make the most out of that last year. It’s yours to make of it what you will. This doesn’t just mean party every weekend (though it could mean that, too). It means expanding your horizons as much as you can in the town that inspired you the most. You made friends. You lost some friends. You tried new things. You failed at others. Do more than you have before.

Travel. And by that, I mean go outside of the bubble. I’m sure you’ve heard of it: It’s the invisible dome-like force field that keeps you within the confines of campus and its surrounding blocks. A friend of mine, her senior year, admitted that she had never been to downtown Eugene. It had to have been one of the saddest things I’ve ever heard. Check out the shops and bars and restaurants downtown. Head to the quirky, quintessentially Eugene Whiteaker neighborhood. Go to Hendricks Park and enjoy the sunshine (or rain). Do anything but stay within the confines of campus. Do you really want to look back and only see images of Max’s and Espresso Roma?

Even if you refuse to do that, do this: travel mentally. Expand your intellect so you can really change the world when you leave. Try out a campus group. Maybe you’ve always been interested in writing fiction? Maybe you’re interested in activism? In feminism? In the environment? Meet new friends and expand those interests with campus groups and classes. Check out the ASUO’s website. Check out the many publications we have on campus. Try that class that you’ve always been interested in taking.

If I have one piece of advice for you as you begin your last year at the University of Oregon it’s this: It’s not too late. It never is.

The parents are in town and you want to show them your home away from home. Maybe you take them to your favorite brunch place, Glenwood. Or the independent movie theater, the Bijou Metro. Or maybe you take them to your favorite spot at the river.

As you gather your list together of places to take your parents, you might not be thinking about those that were likely so integral to your time here: the bars. After all. There’s a good chance you spent a fair amount of time in college dancing at Cowfish, closing Max’s or getting Petron shots at Starlight.

So let’s be frank. Where do you take your parents when you want them to try your favorite whiskey ginger? Here are some suggestions for when parents are in town and they want to have a little fun, too. Because, you know, they’re humans and all that.

The Horsehead: Though it might get a bit rowdy if you go on a weekend night, this is the best bar in Eugene for food. If you’re from the South, you’ve hit the jackpot with their assortment of comfort foods: mac and cheese, fried okra, jalapeno hush puppies and cornbread. The fries are crispy yet soft; the fish cod sandwich is better than a burger and the gumbo is all flavors and spice. Plus, this is the kind of place you take your parents to really get a feel for the eclectic Eugene natives —  not just the students. Be warned, though: their drinks are as stiff as they get.

Izakaya Meiji: Though not just a bar, this Japanese restaurant has some of the best cocktails in town. They go beyond your standard “lemon drop” to include drinks of a more intricate, global variety. There’s a vast list of liqueurs and spirits to choose from, and their signature cocktails use ingredients like bamboo leaf salt and sweetened beet puree. The restaurant also specializes in unique appetizers — from sushi to Japanese pork and beans. And think about walking there since it’s located in the historic Whiteaker neighborhood, you can show your parents the brilliant yard artwork of your fellow Eugenians on the way.

Max’s: This is the kind of place you bring your parents if you really want to give them a taste of “college” life. Show them the popcorn you love to munch on that goes so perfectly with your IPA or tell them the story of how you perfected your darts skills while playing there almost every Friday night. They’re sure to be impressed. Tell them about how old Max’s is, and get the bartenders to tell their favorite stories of working at the place. If you are there on a Wednesday night, there’s a good chance you’ll hear some live music — probably some Neil Young tunes. If I have to advise against anything, though, it would be this: Spare them from the closing crowds.