The Berkeley College Orchestra is a small group on campus dedicated to Japanese porn. So stoked that Yale is a “Sex Friend University.” Berkeley College Orchestra, you do you. DON’T LET THE HACKERS/HATERS GET YOU DOWN!

The Bullblog is on Facebook: Like us for a good time.

The oppressive wall that kept North-Upstairs-Box-goers from South-Upstairs-Box-goers is officially gone! Celebrate equality with a Vodka Seltzer.

Thank you Yale Daily News for letting the world know that today is in fact Wednesday, April 25th, 2013. I’ve literally been preaching this for hours. This means that your paper due “tomorrow” is actually due whenever you want it to be due, Christmas is May 4th, and everyone’s 21st birthday is today! Get outside and celebrate hump day, because it’s today!

If you’re currently standing, you’re probably gonna want to start running on a goddamn treadmill, because shit is going to get real ugly fast.

Since birth you and I have been gaining weight…like consistently. It sucks and its the fault of goddamn calories. What are they? Who knows? Me, I know. They’re made up of a combination of H2O science muscle-weighs-more-than-fat bullshit but like what the fuck because I DON’T EVEN CARE. All I know is that they are making me fat and I hate it. It’s just like, what lard hat decided to make bread fucking delicious and also at the same time the worst.

CALORIES ARE LITERALLY EVERYWHERE. Oh you think your fruititarian diet is so fucking Gwenyth Paltrow goop of you? Well, you’re fucking wrong. A banana has 110 calories in it, guys. AND DO NOT GET ME STARTED ON GRAPES!

Beer? What the fuck is that? Because I know I’m not the only fat person on this campus, I’m gonna do a fucking service to the community and ban beer. SKINNYGIRL MARGARITAS ONLY! Bethenny Frankel is a fucking saint. Seriously, I just can’t even with the dick dance that is the calories in alcohol. Seriously, how many raw cleanses am I gonna have to do to make up for one night at Amigo’s? Splitting a pitcher of frozen with your best girlfriend is totally fucking normal except the 3000 calories that are hiding in it. I’m just tryna do me, but all I can think about is stupid ass carbs swimming into my stomach making me look like pregnant Kim Kardashian. Shamu called, he wants his Juicy sweats back.

Where are the low-carb gluten free raw macrobiotic options in the dining hall? Fucking nowhere, that’s where. Diet Coke should should be free everywhere and mandatory to drink always. IT’S CALLED MENTAL HEALTH.

YALE, GET YOUR SHIT TOGETHER! IF YOU CARE ABOUT ME OR ANYONE ELSE ON THIS CAMPUS, YOU WILL DO SOMETHING ABOUT CALORIES. IT’S YOUR FUCKING DUTY.

If you live under the very real rock that is everything unimportant, you probably did not celebrate the unbelievable Yale Hockey National Championship victory on Saturday. Luckily, Kimberly Goff-Crews (step aside Linda Lorimer) has an answer to all the FOMO. To all of the  I-was-seeing-Hamlet-and-therefore-couldn’t-go-to-Box losers students, head on out to Ingalls Rink a little before 5PM today to celebrate! The only thing I love more than celebrating during and immediately after something awesome and exciting is celebrating during my Picasso & Matisse lecture 48 hours later. The extra time allows the magnitude of the victory to sink in. Because everything on the internet should be modeled after Thought Catalog, here are 7 Great Guesses As To What The “Celebration” Is:

1. Ingalls Rink is lined with Claire’s Cake.

2. Ingalls Rink is actually not lined with Claire’s Cake, but Clam Pizza from Pepe’s.

3. Disney on Ice Flashmob

4. Miracle screening, where QPac takes on the role of Soviet Russia.

5. Stats presentation by Professor David Salsburg, explaining how Yale Hockey just should not have won. He’s really pissed about their win, because it disproves theories and laws he’s been teaching for…like…forever.

6. Surprise! The “celebration” is actually the Bulldog Days Activity Bazaar, and this is just a ploy to get undergrads to attend.

7.Y”P”MB will perform some rendition of a Ke$ha song. They’ll be too little popcorn. Oh, and the baton twirler will be there, which will be awesome because I literally love her.

TriNiD@d J@mEs iZ CoMiN 2 tO@Dz!

Trinindad-J will be performing his hit single “All Gold Everything” at Toad’s Place on April 24th.

The only way to prep for this T-James (rumored to be d8ing T-Swift) concert is with arts & crafts. (Maybe we can check the WIPS Pintrest for ideas!) One thing I’m doing for sure is spray painting everything I own in a nice metallic gold (“everything” is a euphemism 4 stolen shopping carts btdubs). I also plan on straight flexXxin’ on Insta from like now until April 24th. And by “flexXx”, I mean “<3″ and “un-<3″ all of TrinidadJamesGG’s posts over  and over again until he has no choice but 2 follow me back. Literally everything will be gold and I can’t w8888888!!!!!!!!!

CA$H OUT! 

There are just a few measly hours before Tap Night 2013. For those of you have been tapped for a Secret Society, tonight is the end of something. It is the end of a life consumed by pedestrian thoughts and plebeian cares. Tonight we will transcend the physical world of York and Broadway, and join the spirits of the white men that came before us.

In the meantime, many of you are running around trying to find Kermit the Frog costumes (J.Crew sells green pants). But not me! I’m prepping. I’m a prepper. I’ve been holed up in my apartment all day getting together canned goods, bottles of water, and disposable light sources. Flipping between the Military Channel and A&E has got my thumbs tired, but do not fret. I have learned how to fashion a sword out of tree bark with just my feet! I write this on a nervous stomach. Let’s all go out in style. This is how I’ve prepped for this secret apocalypse:

1. Hydrate. But don’t be bloated (see number 2).

2. Get a bikini wax.

3. Eat bagels for every meal. But don’t be bloated (see number 2).

4. Watch American Illuminati Skull and Bones documentaries. 

5. Say goodbye to your current friends.

6. Get a GroupMe account or buy an iPhone. 

7. Rearrange your Friday, April 12th so that nothing happens before 4pm. 

8. Buy hair ties. You don’t wanna be that girl tonight whose hair keeps getting in the way of having fun!

9. Watch your last episode of 60 Minutes, cuz societies meet during it, stupid.

10. Moisturize.

One of my favorite activities is leaving places. When someone or something gets in the way, I get mad. And when I get mad, I want to leave places more. The number one thing that gets in the way of me leaving places is stupid doors. Are you curious as to which doors are the stupidest? Well, you’re in luck, because all I do is walk around experiencing the bullshit that is Yale doors.

Byers Hall (Silliman Common Building)

Is this bullshit mechanized or not? Can any engineer major (I don’t personally know any) or like whoever explain to me how this works? I’m tryna be in the secret society that knows the answer to this question.

Commons Rotunda

These doors suck. Are they made of steel? I’m pretty sure some kid lost a limb to mine the metals for these doors. You all know what I’m talking about. I’m actually annoyed that these doors made the list, just because they’re just so duh. I do want to discuss however how much I hate calling something a rotunda. Way more into “circle room”.

HGS

Unlike Byers and Commons, this door (the second door) weighs way less than you’re expecting. We’ve been trained to push so hard that this door will really throw you for a loop. The door swings so far it will no doubt aggressively hit the wall behind it, creating the literal biggest noise in the world.

WLH

Let’s talk about this fuckery. If you want to feel immediately like a dummy, just get caught in between these two doors. It’s truly a nightmarish experience. Oh and it is ground zero for running into people you would prefer didn’t go here.

Saybrook Gate @ Elm/High

Just cuz I’m shocked that anyone cares.

Harrison Court

Ok. If you’ve never been to HCT, let me be your tour guide. Fab building (white trim), but horrible vestibule. First off, let’s discuss the sheer number of doors required to pass through to get anywhere in the building. It’s a goddamn labyrinth (don’t think I’m using that word correctly); it takes four keys to get to a single apartment. While cumbersome, the real problem lies between doors one and two. They both open outward, which is fine if you’re alone, but let’s say someone is leaving and someone else is entering. The two people try to hold their door open for the other, and while a nice gesture, I’m boob grazed every time.

Gourmet Heaven Broadway

Now this door I don’t totally h8. I just kinda h8 it, because while it swings effortlessly, it functions poorly. I took architecture in high school, and so I know that outside doors are supposed to (a) not confuse people. I always end up knocking over apples and pears and then apologizing for the fault of an architect.

17 Hillhouse Door to Basement Stairway

Actually what? Is it just me, or does this door open into a pipe? Yes, yes it does.

The Yale Spring Fling Committee announced the full lineup for the April 29 event in a school-wide email this afternoon. And we are as excited as you are! The order of performances is as follows:

2:30 | Doors open

2:45 | Student Openers (TBA)

4:45 | Best Coast

6:05 | Grouplove

7:25 | Macklemore & Ryan Lewis

8:45 | RL Grime

If you pride yourself on knowing the coolest unheard-of bands of 2011, then this is the Spring Fling line up for you (less Macklemore, he was cool and unheard-of back in 2005)!

They also released some fly tank tops that will look great on you! But really, we are super stoked about these!

Some other useful resources:

Buy glowsticks in bulk here.

Buy bottled water in bulk here (PRIME!).

Read the WikiHow on Thrift Shopping here.

Consider buying a Camelbak that looks like a sports bra here.

Check out this indestructible case for your cellphone.

Let’s get ready 3 RUMBLE!

I was pretty stoked when I learned that Pi Phi had cured cancer a few weeks ago, because honestly I hate cancer. But their cancer-curing-celebration at Toad’s was lame compared to what’s going to go down tonight. “What’s happening at Toad’s tonight?” you ask. African Children! Toad’s for African Children, to be precise.

The only thing I hate more than cancer is hating African children. If you hate hating African children as much as I do, then come on down to Toad’s tonight at 11pm. The proceeds from tonight’s party will go to the Uganda Hope Network. (They only have 3 Facebook likes so feel free to donate a ‘lil extra to the cause.) You will most definitely be seeing me having a blast out on the dance floor in the name of “basic amenities such as wells and animal shelters, as well as paying for children to complete their grade school education”. Toad’s is doing so much great non-profit work I just love it too much! Toad’s Place? More like Hotel Uganda!

If you were thinking about staying in tonight, you’re basically saying that you hate African children. Is your FORMAC midterm really more important than a continent full of nine-year olds? No! No, it’s not! So go to Toad’s tonight so you can get your groove on to some Akon (he’s Senegalese!!) or some K’naan (he’s Somalian!!).