History:

You are diligent but no one cares.

This week is about letting your hair down. Try new things. Love thy neighbor, and if thy neighbor wants to try a threesome you should do it.

Math:

Your promiscuity has become a cause for concern. Your theorem will remain true only so long as you remain true to yourself.

Be cautious in your romantic endeavors and you will be rewarded.

English:

By your own hand are you now smitten and entirely unemployable. Your obsession with fiction annoys your friends, so you would be wise to stop talking about your short stories so much.

Art History:

This is a big week for you. You will meet your maker, and your maker is going to love you.

Beauty is in the eye of the beholder, and you should behold her even if you barely know her.

EP&E:

You owe money to a dangerous man and you should pay it back as quickly as you can.

Engineering:

Confidence is key. Hide nothing, reveal everything, speak softly and carry a big dick.

Humanities:

Your watch is underneath your mattress. You’re welcome.

Psychology:

You have a substance abuse problem and you are never going to get rid of it. So, have fun at Spring Fling.

Economics:

Buy low, sell high. Penny stocks will prove lucrative this week….or will they?

Undeclared:

Do less.

The Bullblog is on Facebook: Like us for street cred.

Long story short, I’m looking for a sublet.

Plot twist, I need it to be perfect.

I’ve seen some talent but I’m looking for something pretty specific:

• It needs to have a fish tank.
• It must be within walking distance from a podiatrist. Any podiatrist will do.
• It has to have been featured in at least one photo shoot in one or more of my favorite magazines, which include but are not limited to Sports Illustrated, Seventeen, National Geographic, and Elle.
• It needs to have a Lazy Susan.
• It should double as a sex dungeon that sleeps one comfortably.
• It needs to be the house from the Disney Channel Original Movie “Smart House,” starring the guy who was also in Brink’d.
• It needs to be free.
• It has to have a ghost and/or poltergeist, but it can’t be haunted.
• Location, location, location. It really needs to be near a podiatrist.

One, two skip a few. Three, four skip tonight’s Howard Dean talk.

If you’re visiting Yale for Bulldog Days and you think you want to go here, there are some things you should avoid.

First, avoid your friends from high school who go here. You’re not going to be friends with them next year because they’ve moved on. You’re going to feel like a loser all over again.

Don’t bother with the “Scavenger Hunt/Ice Breakers” activity. You didn’t get in because you’re good at scavenging. And, everyone knows Ice Breakers only keep your breath fresh for 7-8 minutes. Tops.

Pardon my French, but you’re a fart-nugget if you let your parents attend the “Student Life Panel for Parents: Who’s looking out for my student?” That’s a quick way to get yourself a helpful relationship with your Dean or Master, a bond no one will benefit from when you inevitably get way too weird during Camp Yale next fall.

I won’t tell you not to check out the “Fusion Dance Party,” because that sounds fun. I will tell you, however, to tell the person hosting you that you are Skyping with a pen-pal instead of the truth.

Don’t go to the Music Library in Sterling. It smells like eggs and everyone in there is smarter than you.

If you were thinking about going to hear Dean Miller’s Welcome Address, spoiler alert: she’s going to welcome you to Yale. That’s all she’s going to do. It’s a waste of time.

Finally, steer clear of your host’s suitemate who you got weird vibes from when you arrived and whose room smells like Devil’s Lettuce. He/she is a gateway suitemate.

Next Saturday, Will Turcotte aka “Warrior,” aka the sort-of-hot Bass security guard, (you know, the one who’s like 5’ 8’, with short blonde hair, a winning smile and glasses), will head to Afghanistan and begin a year-long deployment as a member of the US military.

We wish him the best of luck and the safest of journeys. We are sad to see him leave, and especially because now I’ll actually have to open my bag and prove that I’m not a book thief.

Warrior, a nickname a friend and I have assigned to Will and he has since assigned to both of us, is a role model to us all. He’s ripped. He’s handsome. He’s single. He’s smart (wears glasses). He is a military man. He is a fan of rap music.

He made walking into a Bass something I looked forward to rather than something I dreaded. If Warrior was working, I knew that meant we’d talk and I wouldn’t have to start work for at least another 15 minutes.

Thanks, Warrior. Be safe, Warrior.

For the first time in YCC history, three candidates are running unopposed in this spring’s election.

After much deliberation, the Bullblog has decided to formally endorse Danny Avraham for President, Kyle Tramonte for Vice President, and Eli Rivkin for Events Director.

It was a tough choice. While we endorse these candidates wholeheartedly, we thought it was only fair to explain ourselves. You will have ample time to learn about Danny, Kyle and Eli during the election, so here is some information about the people who were ultimately unable to run against them.

Adrian D’Angelo, ES ‘85

After having what he decided was a full and successful career as a bookbinder, Adrian petitioned to run for YCC President as an alumnus.

Adrian decided to run after he saw Danny’s platform. Specifically, he disagreed with Danny when he said, “It’s critical that the student body feels YCC can be a helpful organization.”

“It’s not critical,” Adrian said when announcing his candidacy, “that the student body feels YCC can be a helpful organization.”

He also took issue with Avraham’s push to change Yale’s alcohol policy from discipline to safety, noting, “Teen drinking is very bad. I got a fake ID tho.”

Personally, I found his arguments compelling, his interest sincere and his chances of winning high. But, he’s old and doesn’t go here anymore and wasn’t allowed to run. It was because of this, along with Danny’s competence, intelligence and affinity for Hawaiian shirts, that we decided to back Avraham over D’Angelo.

Michelle Scoober, DC ‘14

Motivated by a deep-seeded hatred for Tramonte and his rugged good looks, Michelle was intent on seizing the VP spot.

Scoober came into the race hot. She established herself as an outsider and a maverick. Reportedly, Tramonte was nervous.

“Tramonte wants to fix problems,” Scoober told her adoring fans, “that means he thinks we’re stupid.” He crowd gave her a standing ovation.

Michelle’s campaign got derailed when she realized she had to stop fighting the feeling and told Kyle how she really felt.

The new couple couldn’t be happier, although she resents that he doesn’t let her pay for dinner.

Scoober is acting as Kyle’s campaign manager and was happy to learn of our endorsement.

Eli Rivkin, TC ‘15

Eli is Eli’s own worst enemy and the only person who decided to run against him.

A master of self-sabotage, Eli set out to destroy his own candidacy. He fed himself food from the dumpster. He told himself he was stupid, inadequate and unfit to be the events director.

In an interview, Eli told me he was “the single worst person” that he’d ever met. I told him that he shouldn’t be so hard on himself. He told me the interview was over.

Eli almost succeeded in destroying Eli, but Eli’s courage and conviction would ultimately prevail. Eli decided to drop out of the race after Eli looked himself in the mirror and said, “enough of this. It’s show time.”

Eli is the right man for the job, and if defeating himself is any indication, he will be a fantastic YCC Events Director.

In an Easter miracle, John C. Calhoun, the slave-owning Senator and namesake of Yale’s Calhoun College, was resurrected this week. He hadn’t attended the mandatory bystander intervention seminars, so his dean summoned him for the make-up class.

After getting over the fact that everyone now treats women and non-white people with respect, Calhoun began questioning the nature of Yale’s hook-up culture:

“You’re telling me you need a maiden’s consent and sobriety before you can tap that ass? What happened to chivalry? Is it dead?”

“If I’ve drank a few mason jars of moonshine, I shouldn’t take a Q-Pac girl home to my farm in South Carolina?  Legally, can she even say no?”

“Personally, I think being a SWUG can be liberating. Gone are the days when you must care what others think. SWUGs can have it all – a family, a job and the vote!”

“There’s no fall rush for freshman? In my day, you could rush anything with a pulse. ZBT for life.”

“That guy is president?!”

“Salovey shaved off his ‘stache? But we made the ‘no-shave no-ever’ pact this year…”

When the class was over and it was time to go back to hell, Calhoun begged to play in just one more IM softball game. He just wanted to escape the familiar pressures of Yale life.

Boy, age 23, from Miami:

Check this out, bro. It’s Asian for “strength.” Trying to get even bigger this spring!

Boy, age 19 from Manhattan:

No, I wasn’t drunk when I got it. Me and my boy from high school got them together after we asked our parents if it was okay.

It’s the Roman numeral V, because we met when we were five years old. We didn’t want anything that someone could see in a job interview, so that’s why it’s right above my nipple.

Nah, it didn’t hurt at all.

Girl, age 22, from Minneapolis:

My break was great! Thanks for asking. Me and my dad actually got matching tattoos for his 60^th birthday.

No, haha it’s not an eagle. I wish!

It’s a Turtle Dove, because he always calls me his “little Turtle Dove.” He almost got it on his inner thigh too, but he decided to put in on his back instead. I was like, “Dad! C’mon! Mom will love it!” He was like, “No, Becca, she won’t.”

Girl, age 20 from suburbia:

Yeah, I know it was SO unlike me to get a tattoo. I can’t believe it!

This one means power in Japanese. Or maybe it’s in Hindi. Either way, it’s important to me because I love power.

Boy, age 21, from Toronto:

Jacob: “Mom? Is that you?”

Mom: “Yes, honey! How is your trip to Cancun with the team going?”

Jacob: “It’s great. We just played Princeton and won. But I want to tell you something.”

Mom: “Yes, sweetie? Everything okay?”

Jacob: “Yeah. Well, the team all got tattoos.”

Mom: “Jacob!”

Jacob: “Yeah, so I have a bull’s horns on my left testicle and a trident on my penis shaft. I felt like I needed to tell you.”

Mom: “Send me a picture, but I’m sure I’ll love it! Thanks for calling sweetie.”

Jacob: “Okay, I will. And tell Grandpa I say ‘pop bottles, f#@k models.’ He’ll know what it means.”

According to the report, “grades serve educational purpose by signaling to a student his strengths and weaknesses in performance.”

Fantastic point. Spot on.

According to the report, grades “have a motivational function by encouraging, or not, activities of various sorts.”

Well that actually makes no sense. Look, I can be this report to: “ergo my face, ipso facto your face, quantum of solace #skyfall.”

Anything can be a motivation, or not a motivation, to do activities of various sorts.

According to the report, grades “serve the selecting and sorting functions of society by signaling to outside entities the strengths and weaknesses and overall capacity of individual students.”

I’m sorry, when you say weakness, did you mean areas for potential improvement?!

According to the report, “the percent of high grades (90-100) in 1963 was 10 percent.”

Maybe this is because there were no women or minorities here and everyone was racist and mean, so they all got C’s, except for the 10 percent of them that supported equality.

According to the report, that number rose to 62 percent in 2012.

Maybe that’s because we don’t have to hand-write papers anymore and we can use Google translate. Ooops.

To fix the problem of grade inflation that this report found, they submitted the following proposal:

Require the chair of each department to submit and written report to the dean of Yale College each year on the department’s grading policies, with the expectation that departments will meet on a regular basis to discuss their grading practices and policies.

Tickets for the meeting go on sale tomorrow at 7 a.m. Looks like I’m pulling an all-nighter!