This Sunday, the film industry (or more accurately, its unpaid interns) will roll out the red carpet for the 88th Academy Awards, hosted by Chris Rock. Oscar night is sacred for cinephiles, but it’s also widely enjoyed by people who don’t use the word “cinephile.” And in a controversial year, all eyes will be on the event, looking for signs of the inclusivity sorely missing from the nominees.Of course, The Herald has its gripes about the nominees, but we’re willing to play the game and choose from what the Academy has offered. To be clear, these aren’t predictions, so if you’re in some sort of Oscars pool, only jot these picks down if you want to lose. Without further ado, the Academy Awards (in our dreams) go to…

Best Picture: Mad Max: Fury Road

Two words: Doof Warrior. Another word: Furiosa. Abraham Lincoln summed it up best: “If destruction be our lot, we must ourselves ride eternal, shiny and chrome! As a nation of free men, we must live through all time, or die historic on the Fury Road! Witness me!”

Best Director: George Miller, Mad Max: Fury Road

Mad Max: Fury Road is a triumph of action filmmaking, visual storytelling, and feminism, no less. Fearlessly inventive, Fury Road manages to be the most original of all of the nominated films despite being a sequel (the fourth of the Mad Max films) thanks to Miller’s confident direction. Miller’s competition churned out respectable work, but even The Revenant (from last year’s winner Alejandro G. Iñárritu) can’t contend with Miller’s remarkable vision.

Best Actor: Michael Fassbender, Steve Jobs

Yes, we know, Leonardo DiCaprio has never won an Oscar, but the Internet can’t just force the Academy to give him one (well, they have but…), especially in a year when Michael Fassbender became Steve Jobs. The film itself has its share of problems, but Fassbender’s immersive performance makes up for most of them. Without looking in any way like the original Apple genius, Fassbender finds the exact energy of Jobs, rattling off Sorkin dialogue as if it’s his native tongue. Leonard DiCaprio devotes himself to his Revenant role, but Fassbender disappears into Steve Jobs.

Best Actress: Saoirse Ronan, Brooklyn

Brie Larson’s turn in Room appears to be a lock for the win, so there’s no point in us overdoing the praise for Larson’s intelligent performance if these picks are entirely hypothetical. Just as worthy a winner can be found in Brooklyn, where Saoirse Ronan takes on the role of Eilis Lacey, an Irish immigrant torn between two nations. Brooklyn is entirely Ronan’s, her subtle, touching performance filling the film with heart, fear, and purpose. She makes Eilis real—not a piece of Oscar bait, a real character.

Best Supporting Actor: Tom Hardy, The Revenant

Had a colossal campaign for Leo to “finally” win an Oscar not surrounded the release of The Revenant, Tom Hardy’s full-bodied performance as the rough, ruthless John Fitzgerald might have had a little room to breathe—and soak up enough acclaim to snatch a win. Hardy’s acting feels layered and special beyond the physical difficultly in the film’s production. Odds are in favor of Sly Stallone for his return to the Rocky franchise, but we wouldn’t mind seeing Hardy take home the gold for his chilly turn.

Best Supporting Actress: Rooney Mara, Carol

Despite overwhelming acclaim and six nominations, Todd Haynes’ Carol missed the final cut for Best Picture. An acting win might help cool that burn, particularly for Rooney Mara’s stunning work. Like Alicia Vikander’s role in The Danish Girl, Mara’s Therese arguably belongs in the lead category, but since the Academy placed her here, why not give her credit for her deeply affecting characterization? Mara and Cate Blanchett make a magnetic pair in this romance, so much so that it’s hard to separate “award-worthiness” between the two. But two-time winner Blanchett has acclaim to spare. Mara made us swoon, and here’s hoping the Academy felt it too.

Best Documentary Feature: Amy

“Gone too soon” doesn’t even begin to tell the story of Amy Winehouse, and Asif Kapadia’s thoughtful documentary knows it, never attempting to force the late singer’s life into a cliché narrative. Instead, Kapadia’s Amy slowly peels back the layers of the elusive star and refocuses the spotlight on her incredible talent. The heartbreaking result converts you into her biggest fan before forcing you to be a helpless witness. Amy would be a deserving, meaningful winner.

Best Foreign Film: Theeb

The betting Oscar-viewer should go with Son of Saul, but we don’t want to see Jordan’s Theeb left in its shadow. Theeb starts with a deep voiceover: “He who swims in the Red Sea cannot know its depth.” Ironically, the movie never actually makes it to the Red Sea, instead spending an hour and a half searching breathtaking desert of Wadi Rum during the height of World War One’s Great Arab Revolt in 1916. It’s beautiful in the way a landscape painting is, placing you right there among the rocks and making you viscerally feel the vastness of its almost otherworldly setting. Theeb would be Jordan’s first Oscar winner, and an undeniably worthy one.

In November, Next Yale presented a list of demands to President Peter Salovey to address issues of racial inequality and marginalization on campus. The group asked for changes to many aspects of the university, from financial aid to cultural houses. A major point on their agenda was a new academic focus on ethnic studies. Last week, Yale announced the founding of the new Center for the Study of Race, Indigeneity, and Transnational Migration. But this new center was not created and will not exist in a vacuum. The new initiative comes from Yale’s fraught history with ethnic studies and faculty diversity and will take its place among other related but separate research centers working to expand academic work on race and ethnicity.

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Valentine’s Day: The holiday itself can go either way, but unfortunately for everyone, the 2010 rom-com Valentine’s Day tastes like dollar store chocolate. In what few would call a “complex puzzle,” Academy Award-winners (Kathy Bates! Jamie Foxx! Julia Roberts!), middling TV stars (Patrick Dempsey! George Lopez!), and a Fearless-era Taylor Swift unite to tell unexpectedly interwoven stories of love, lust, and infidelity. One of these involves Jason (Topher Grace) discovering that his girlfriend Liz (Anne Hathaway) works as a phone sex operator, but it’s okay because he learns to accept her for it. That is the sort of depth this movie achieves, not once or twice but many times over. -JK

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Love Actually: Love Actually is built around the same structure as Valentine’s Day only it’s 100% better and 95% more British (hey, Laura Linney!). Yes, Love Actually takes place during the Christmas season, but does that matter? Aren’t Christmas and Valentine’s Day both winter holidays that inspire love and feature the color red? If you can make it past this issue of timing, you’ll enjoy ten gently-connected, often meaningful love stories, played earnestly at every step. From a genuinely affecting look at a marriage’s rough patch (cheers to the late Alan Rickman) to a guy who moves to the US to meet hot American girls, there’s truly something for everyone. -JK

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The Bachelor as a dating show: Look up the success rate! –LC

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The Bachelor as a comedy: Look up their job descriptions! -JK

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The Lucky One: How does your star couple turn down having sex on the hood of a classic Mustang, and on a boat at night, only to decide on a gross attic? Not a romantic bone in their bodies. Also, the length of this blurb suggests how forgettable it is. I do remember there was a dog. –LC

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Top Gun: Is it strange that whenever I get milk at the dining hall, I glance at the machine’s thermometer and get a little excited when the dial is in the “Danger Zone”? Maybe. But the fact that getting milk brings Top Gun to mind with the chords of “Take My Breath Away” suggests the hold it has over the imagination. Sure, the characters are shallow, but the fast motorcycles, faster planes, and beach volley ball in cut-offs all combine to present a fable celebrating American style and southern California sunshine. -LC

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Love Drunk” by BoysLikeGirls: I didn’t have a pop punk phase. But my older sister did, and she had a car, which meant I had zero DJ privileges on the way to school. This song came up a lot, and while I can’t remember most of the words today, its grating chorus pops into my head from time to time like a ghost with guyliner on a mission to overuse a metaphor. A quick Wikipedia sesh reveals that the song also sounds exactly like The Killers’ “Somebody Told Me,” making it arguably plagiaristic. The worst offense “Love Drunk” commits is being plain boring. In fact, I apologize for unearthing it from its crypt deep in the annals of 2009. Don’t even read this. -JK

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“Drunk in Love” by Beyoncé: 2016 is on track to be the umpteenth coming of Queen Bey, and there’s no better time to look back on Yoncé’s past accomplishments than Valentine’s Day. 2013’s “Drunk in Love” heralded (wait a second…) a new phase in the career of B — one bursting with personality and candid sexuality. She and Jay and whoever produced this masterpiece created a visceral experience. As Bey belts and whispers seemingly off the cuff seductions, it’s impossible to feel nothing. On Valentine’s Day, treat yourself to one of Bey’s finest jams, especially if you yourself are drunk, in love, or both. -JK

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Romeo and Juliet: Communication is key in any relationship, and these two just don’t cut it. Also, Billy Boy, the hyper-sexualization of death is not okay, Freud-be-damned. -LC

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High School Musical: Just like Romeo and Juliet, but with lower stakes and higher reward. And a kickass finale number. -JK

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Titanic: I have never actually watched the whole thing (but who needs to?). One night my freshman year I skipped to the last 15 minutes, and I still cried. My roommate walked in on me. I did not care. The pageantry of the final scene breaks my heart every time. For Valentine’s Day, however, too much tragedy can put a damper on things. -LC

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 “My Heart Will Go On”: I study to this song. Not just the soundtrack version for Titanic: the piano and violin versions are just as good. This summer when I was working on a farm in South Africa, there was a struggle between the farmer and me over the CD player. He wanted Le Miz; I wanted Celine. He would try to switch out the CD when I was out of the room. Guess who won…   -LC

Soo I might be heading back soon would you be opposed to me possibly coming over for a bit…?

are you going to the YIRA info session lmao

Just read your marginal comments. No need to apologize, I appreciate (your) blunt criticisms–prefer them actually. On the topic of bluntness, would you be interested in getting coffee some time–to talk about our class of course?

did u watch Glee last night?

A reaction to your Maison Mathis kale?

can you get me a ride to church? or are you not going?

the new yorker can be so onanistic

Did u get my email about Kafka’s father

The City of Evanston might pull a fast one on us Evanstonians. I’d appreciate your support to get them to stop.

The city has put the Harley-Clarke Mansion, one of Evanston’s most beautiful and storied public lakefront properties, up for sale. And now they might sell the property for less than half of its market value so it can be turned into a boutique hotel.

There’s no evidence that this sale will benefit our community. Selling this historic lakefront property at a fraction of its value is shortsighted and contrary to the values and interests of Evanston.

Please join me in demanding Mayor Tisdahl and City Manager Bobkiewicz stop the sale by signing this petition. It takes less than a minute and we need your help!

Credit/D/Fail

Grease Live

Boyfriends around campus perked up when they heard their significant others say something about a “hand jive tonight.” Turns out, FOX brought back the all-American musical that your mom keeps hinting brought about her sexual awakening! The show featured all of our favorite, timeless moments: from Danny’s buds asking if Sandy “put up a fight” before she put out to that heartwarming message about love being all about compromising your values. And also putting out! Granted, some scenes didn’t age as well. For instance, Sandy almost breaks up with Danny for touching her boob. This certainly dates the musical, considering today a boob-graze is just Soads for “hello.” Things have changed since the 1950’s, after all. Young women no longer feel pressured to dress up in particular outfits and turn into someone they’re not for external validation. Wait a second…

Greek Life

Ah, Yale Greek Life. What can sometimes be a lively part of campus culture often just feels like an awkward attempt to jam a TI-84 into a Vineyard Vines case. We’re not fooling anyone, folks. We’re all just a bunch of fucking calculators. But once a year, freshmen and sophomores scramble for a chance to show the world that they’ve tried beer and they liked it. Greek Life has some major plusses. Many fraternities and sororities are involved in philanthropy work, including improving literacy rates around the world. Why’d you think they were holding up such giant letters? Even more, getting in can provide some lifelong friendships, or at least an internship connection from that pledge’s aunt who once saw Julia Louis-Dreyfus at a bar. More recently, Greek organizations have inundated us with some pretty phrustrating puns and hand signs that range from feigning the biting of one’s own finger to… Holy shit. Is that a real butterfly? But when it comes down to it, what’s the big deal? After all, you can’t judge the occasional toga-wearing classmates of ours without going back to the roots of the system. Bringing us to…

Life in Greece

Come one, come all! Experience the white sands and marble buildings that comprise the great land of—What? I see. But what exactly do you mean by “migration crisis?” Greece’s immigration policies have recently gotten the country into some trouble with its European pals. The EU is threatening to cut Greece out of the Schengen Area, which isn’t just akin to being disinvited from the party, but more like being banned from going from party to party from here on out. Think a kid who’s under 21 in Las Vegas, or a five-out-of-ten on High Street. To top this off, Greece was just rated highest out of all the EU countries on the misery index. Basically, Greece is like the rest of the European countries’ middle school-aged brother. He keeps mentioning the Pythagorean theorem like it’s going to make up for what a little shit he’s really being

–  Rebecca Shaw and Ben Kronengold

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