In the eighth grade, my class took a field trip to Washington to learn about history … and I suppose, just because we could. When we visited the Capitol building, we had to pass metal detectors and security guards before entry. We were informed that any and all belt buckles would set off the metal detectors and therefore were instructed to take them off. Of course, my belt came with my cargo shorts purchased at American Eagle, leaving me to believe they were impervious to any and all security protocols. So, you can imagine my surprise when four security officers came down on me with the fury of God when I set off the metal detectors. Reprimanded in front of my entire class, they made me take off my belt and desperately cling onto my American Eagle cargo shorts, lest I wish them to fall off my skinny, eighth grade waist.

After “Belt-Gate,” I walked into the Capitol rotunda thinking, “Man, they really take security seriously in this place.” However, between the time when my middle school self was almost tried for treason to today, it would appear that things have changed. Because on Jan. 6, hundreds of people bullied their way into the Capitol, with both weapons and belt buckles, and wreaked unimaginable havoc and destruction on our nation’s Capitol and reputation. To me, the events of Jan. 6 were despicable and representative of everything that is wrong with our country. Yet, with news outlets and social media users all giving various perspectives and rhetoric, I wanted to talk to a couple Americans and see if their views on what happened at the Capitol on Jan. 6 would differ based on their ages and backgrounds.

Gary Berg, born in 1947:

All right Gary, what happened at the Capitol? Some news sources are referring to it as an “insurrection.” Some people are calling it a “coup.” Others are just calling it a “protest.” What would you describe it as?

I guess I would say it was an insurrection. That’s what the House is using in their resolution during the impeachment trial.

What was your first reaction or emotions seeing the insurrection?

Well, given my background, I was pretty amazed and disgusted with the whole thing. I was a member of Minnesota National Guard, Air National Guard, for 17 years and active duty for four years. And I’m pretty much a staunch citizen of law and order and what our country has stood for all these years. So, I was just dazed. When I saw what was going on, it was just amazing to me.

Do you expect more things like this to come? More insurrections in different cities, or do you think this is a one-and-done deal?

I think there’s going to be some minor disturbances around the country. This group is pretty determined that they can take over the government, which is pretty amazing for just a group of citizens. … I use the word “citizens” loosely here.

Tom Wareham, born in 1965:

What would you call the events of Jan. 6 at the Capitol? A “protest”? “Insurrection”? “Coup”?

I think it’s more than a protest. I’m not sure I would put it in the category of a “coup.” So, I think “insurrection” would fit the best.

I’m kind of curious what your first gut feelings were when you saw this. Was it a shock for you? Anger? Horror? What do you remember feeling?

I think there was sort of a shock. Not a surprise so much.

Do you think there is anyone responsible for what happened at the Capitol?

I think there are multiple people responsible. I think certainly the rhetoric that comes from President Trump and his, you know, his minions and all the people that spoke that day are responsible. Don Jr., Giuliani, their rhetoric has been going for four years and kind of building and building to this. It was a build up of all the violent rhetoric they’ve used in the past.

When we switch from Trump to Biden, it’s not just automatically going to be perfect and things will just be better because those people will still be around. So, my final question for you, Tom, is how can America move forward from this insurrection?

In the impeachment hearing, there were a lot of calls from the right [Republicans] for unity. They keep saying, “Oh this impeachment is gonna piss people off.” Too bad, so sad! I think unity has to start coming from the right at this point. They need to acknowledge kind of that, “Hey, Trump lost.” And some have; they’ve acknowledged that he lost … but they have to acknowledge they were part of what got us to this point.

Ash Diggs, born in 1994:

What would you call what happened on Jan. 6 at the Capitol?

I would definitely say the word that I’ve been using, and what immediately jumps to mind, was “coup.”

Do you mind explaining why it’s a coup to you?

Well, it feels like the culmination of a number of things that we’ve seen being played out over the weeks since the election. In my opinion, we’ve heard the President say that, you know, he didn’t want to leave office, and he was publicly leading people to think that there was election fraud. Plus, we’ve seen him say other comments to white supremacists like, “stand back and stand by.”

And then suddenly, we have a group of people, a lot of whom proudly identify as Proud Boys, storming the Capitol with the intention of taking folks hostage, and — according to some people’s social media posts — possibly looking for blood. All those things together sound more like a coup to me because it just seems like a calculated attempt to keep this president in power and stop the democratically elected president-elect from being inaugurated.

Do you think Trump is solely responsible for the coup?

I do believe that the events of the sixth are not solely Trump’s fault. I believe it was a combination of Trump as well as online conspiracy rhetoric, specifically QAnon.

Were you surprised by what happened on the sixth?

Definitely shocked but not surprised. Because, again, as I kind of said, my perspective is that there’s been a ton of rhetoric and actions and inaction leading to these results. I didn’t want it to happen, obviously, but when it did happen, it was less that I couldn’t believe it and more, well, you can’t just keep laying out dominoes like that and not expect them to tip over at some point.

Cat Grimm, born in 2001:

Cat, if I gave you the words “protest,” “insurrection” or “coup,” what do you think would best describe what happened at the Capitol?

I think the best option would be to call it an insurrection. It wasn’t a protest because that’s generally when a group of people have a set of demands or a cause that they want to raise awareness of. And I don’t think it was a coup because they didn’t really seem to have a really concrete plan.

Who do you think is responsible for the events at the Capitol? Trump?

I don’t think he’s the sole person to blame. Because everything that’s been happening is bigger than him. I think he’s a really good person to point out if you’re looking at who embodies a lot of these notions. There’s definitely blame on his plate and on his shoulders for how much he has said and encouraged white supremacists. I think it’s hard to say who is to blame, specifically because it really comes down to institutions that our country is unfortunately founded on.

How can America move forward? Do you think there are things Joe Biden, the government or just regular people like you and me could do?

I think the problem that we’re facing right now is that society acts like, “Oh, let me pass like a few laws and call it a day” will fix everything. When in reality, it’s more like the fact that as citizens of the United States, everybody’s kind of lost touch with each other. So, even if you were to pass the laws, that’s not going to fix things because you’re not fixing the actual social issues, and you’re not addressing the actual ideology that creates such a big divide in the first place. So, I’m not 100% sure what’s going to be unifying. I think it’s really going to come down to individual effort and what individual effort ends up looking like when it snowballs into something larger.

Which scenario sounds better to you: 1) Going to a place where everybody knows your name? And they’re always glad you came? Somewhere that you can see your troubles are all the same… Don’t you want to go where everybody knows your name? Or, 2) Going to a place where you tell them your name is Henry on the order and they say, “Got it Anthony,” and you say, “No, HENRY,” and they say, “Yeah, no I heard you the first time, Carly.” And then you end up missing your order because they keep saying, “Order for Alfonzo? Got an order for Alfonzo.”

These two scenarios perfectly encapsulate the premise of shopping locally versus shopping with a large, commercial chain. In scenario one, when you shop local, you get respect, appreciation and love from your local businesses. They know you, and you know them! (Plus, Ted Danson works at this local bar, and that’s super cool!) Or, you have scenario two where you will never get your name pronounced or spelled right because money guzzling corporations are too busy pickpocketing the entire human civilization to even try to learn your name.

In the face of an ongoing and turbulent pandemic, our friends in small businesses need our help more than ever. Businesses on our very own campus are dropping like flies due to the lack of traffic caused by the coronavirus. Places like Bar Luchador, Gina + Will and even the illustrious Purple Onion. That’s why I implore you to shop locally and support the businesses that need it more than those monopolistic jerks who make money everytime you even think about them inside your head.

Here are some pros and cons to shopping locally:

Pros:
A local business is the cornerstone of any community. They are the arthouses, the coffee shops, the local eateries that make our community special and one-of-a-kind.
When you repeatedly shop local, it doesn’t just stay professional — it becomes a genuinely personal act. You build an almost familial bond with the owners and employees. You want to see them succeed, and they want to see you happy.
What would we be without our small businesses? We would be a world full of conniving and ugly-looking mass conglomerates and corporations that don’t really care about us. Small businesses give us freedom to adventure and try new things and products versus always being forced to shop at one specific chain or outlet.

Cons*:
You have a good time.
You get new, unique and personal products.
You make new friends and memories.

*What’s that? All the cons seem like pros? Interesting…

Now, let’s examine some pros and cons of shopping with big name corporations:

Pros*:
You get to help hurt more people, like employees who don’t get paid enough or communities whose resources are depleted at rapid rates because of greedy corporations.
It is so much more convenient, which means you get products faster and won’t spend as much time worrying about all the local businesses, families and companies that are closing just as fast as the delivery of your products.
You help speed along the process of global warming (which, let’s face it, is really starting to drag on. I mean chop chop, people!) by contributing to more packaging waste and carbon dioxide emissions as your packages travel across the country.

*Hold on. Are these pros actually cons disguised as pros? Interesting…

Cons:
If you buy from Amazon, you help Jeff Bezos* become the first trillionaire ever.

*Bezos is everything that is wrong with capitalism. The fact that he is able to obtain well over $100 billion dollars and continues to grow his wealth and assets infuriates me. That human version of a boiled egg has enough money to save our planet, feed the hungry and buy a hat to cover up his freakishly pointy head and unblinking eyeballs, yet he does none of these things.

The bottom line is, as residents of any community, I believe it is our duty to support small businesses. They are in our neighborhoods because they want to serve the needs of their community, aka us. They specifically cater to us and our needs. Out of respect and appreciation, the least we can do is shop at our local boutiques or grab takeout once every two weeks from the local Thai place. And hey, I get that it can be overwhelming to try and find new spots for all your favorite foods and products, so here are some nifty links to lists of wonderful local restaurants and businesses:
Here are some great restaurants, favorite spots in the Twin Cities, additional small businesses, and Black-owned businesses. Some of my personal favorites include The Naughty Greek, J. Selby’s, Colossal Cafe, Karta Thai and Brasa Rotisserie.

During our first COVID-19 shutdown in March, I did a lot of puzzles. I thought maybe with all the time in isolation, I might make some groundbreaking discoveries about myself or the world. Maybe develop a new lease on life. But no, I just did a lot of puzzles. Now, with the country on the verge of a second shutdown, I find myself wondering if I will be right back in the same situation I was before: doing puzzles and worrying about the coronavirus. I know a lot of Minnesotans are probably in the same boat as me. And while we all know a shutdown could save thousands of lives, it is hard to let go of that return to semi-normalcy we have developed since this summer. But, I am afraid Minnesotans have to come to terms with the fact that a second shutdown is incredibly likely to happen.

According to Minnesota Public Radio, Minnesota reported 7,559 new COVID-19 cases on Sunday, Nov. 15. This brings Minnesota’s grand total to 231,018 cases of the coronavirus. As cases continue to surge in Minnesota, Gov. Tim Walz implemented new restrictions on social gatherings, which include no service in restaurants and bars from 10 p.m. to 4 a.m., a limit of 10 people for indoor or outdoor gatherings and a 50-person limit for all weddings and funerals (subject to change to 25 people on Dec. 11). It is clear that Walz, like the rest of the country, dreads enforcing yet another total shutdown. It is becoming abundantly clear that another shutdown is the most practical and responsible way to ensure that we save the lives of thousands of more people. However, it has been many months since our last shutdown. Will the next be any different?

On the surface level, another shutdown would be the same for us. If the state went back to the shutdowns we had in March, all schooling would revert back to virtual learning — at the University of Minnesota, we are basically already at this step. Besides grocery stores and other essential businesses, all restaurants and bars will close down. However, one significant difference would be that health officials understand much more about the virus now than they did in the spring. In March, testing was limited, hospitals were unsure how to treat patients, and we still were not sure how exactly the virus spread. Now, health officials in Minnesota and all over the nation have a better grasp on what measures can help diminish the spread of the coronavirus.

Another silver lining going into a second shutdown is the shortened time frame. Previously, Minnesota residents were in quarantine for nearly three months. However, according to the Biden advisors, they believe four to six weeks is all the country would need. Dr. Michael Osterholm, coronavirus adviser to President-elect Joe Biden and director of the Center for Infectious Disease Research and Policy at the University of Minnesota, argued that if the government pays businesses and implements another release package for the unemployed, we could shut down and greatly decrease the number of COVID-19 cases once again. Osterholm went so far as to say, “… if we are going to keep making restrictions state-by-state, there is no compensation for the businesses that are being impacted. What we are doing right now is not working.”

A second shutdown is the right call. It will upset people, it will hurt businesses, and it will cause national stress, but right now, people are dying, and this is the most surefire way we can save lives. I am currently in the process of buying three new puzzle sets. I am bracing myself for what is to come, and I can only hope you do the same.

I couldn’t sleep last night. Nightmares of Election Day disrupted my peaceful slumber. Thoughts of another four years of chaos, inequality and the dismantling of our democracy buzzed around in my head. I got up from bed, went to the kitchen and poured myself a glass of warm milk (that’s code for whiskey on the rocks). I pulled back the blinds of a window and watched the leaves rustle in the wind. Oh, what it must be like to be a leaf — always in a constant state of movement and disturbance. Leaves are indeed the first true nomads, I reflected, as I took another hearty sip of my “warm milk.”

This song and dance of my staring outside and the leaves blowing in the wind went on for god knows how many minutes. It felt like years. But where was our solace? Like my ever racing mind, did these leaves not deserve rest? Comfort? No, neither one of us will ever get that because 2020 had different plans for all of us. Ashamed of my own hope, I instinctively reached down to my pocket for a cigarette, even though I’ve never smoked a day in my life. I guess a bad year will do that kind of thing to a person. But, it can’t just be chalked up to a despicable calendar period … there has to be more. Then, like a ton of bricks, I was struck with an epiphany. How foolish I was to take this long to realize all of our nation’s troubles can be pinned back to one man. Nay, one gopher.

Where is Goldy the Gopher when our country needs them the most? Our democracy is crumbling. COVID-19 is infecting thousands, and voter suppression is running rampant. If there was ever a time for a goofy mascot to ride in on his glorious Segway scooter and save the day, it was now. Yet, when the world needed a silly gopher the most, Goldy vanished. I’ve seen this freaking Gopher do 50 plus pushups in one day. Goldy clearly has both the stamina and power to save our country. So where is Goldy the Gopher, huh? What’s Goldy doing to help out? Our mascot’s absence has left me spinning my head for answers.

I went online and perused Goldy’s social media accounts. Maybe there I would find Goldy’s stances on social justice issues, photos of their charity work and proof that there was still hope. Yet, to my great dismay, all their Instagram had to show was insensitive and childish photos of Goldy dressed up in “hilarious” costumes. Oh ha ha, Goldy! I also think it is just oh so funny to dress up when millions of Americans are wondering where their next meals are going to come from. Infuriated by this, I shut my laptop, poured another glass of “warm milk” and started texting some of my friends.

“Hey,” I said. “Have you guys seen Goldy at any social justice protests in the past? I haven’t.”
Many of my friends texted back sentiments such as “Wtf Henry?” and “Are you drunk right now?” Clearly, as none of them were able to confirm that they had seen Goldy at any protests, that all but answered my suspicions. I guess Goldy was just too busy to march for equality? Before I could help myself, my mind began to race to other conclusions: For example, has anyone actually ever heard Goldy denounce white supremacists (or just speak for that matter)? And what about the fact that Goldy has never signed any petitions to create female mascots in the Big Ten Conference? Oh, and finally, can anyone remember seeing Goldy the Gopher on campus on 9/11? People, wake up! This beloved mascot of ours clearly does not represent our ideals. I mean, how much do we actually know about Goldy the Gopher? A quick Google search is all you need to discover the worst truth of all: the fact that Goldy the “Gopher” is nothing more than a goddamn ground squirrel. This disgusting menace to society lied to all of us, for YEARS about who they were! Who knows what other countless things Goldy could be lying about!

Goldy’s past is questionable, and their future shows no signs of making any changes in their life. This seemingly ageless mascot is starting to feel pretty antiquated to this columnist. I decided it was time to voice my opinion and share these shocking revelations with our campus, but more importantly, the world. Goldy the Gopher is no friend of mine. Anyone who can spin their head on a dime and still face no negative repercussions is not someone to trust. Goldy, if you are reading this, you disgust me. I hope you feel shame for your crimes, and I hope you repent your ways.

*Disclaimer: One could make the argument that this was a “satirical” article written by the columnist. However, the columnist wants to make clear, he stands by everything he’s said.

In the pre-pandemic world, I was terrified of several things: heights, snakes and parking garages (people always get killed in parking garages in movies and TV). Now, I live in constant fear of the coronavirus. Luckily, I am privileged to have no prior health conditions that put me in a higher risk group. That being said, I recently found out that you can lose your sense of smell and taste from COVID-19 and seeing as I’ve grown to like these two senses over the years, I’m terrified of losing them.

In summary, I am cautious, overprotective and serious when it comes to the current pandemic. However, as you probably have seen on social media, not everyone feels this same way. In fact, college students across the country continue to throw bodacious gatherings and tubular parties (in case it’s not yet clear, before COVID-19 I was not invited to many parties). Because of this, I decided to sit down with some college students and hear what their perspectives were on the coronavirus pandemic and why they make the decisions they do.

Second-year student Jake Budke

So, all your roommates have gotten COVID?

Yes.

And how many roommates do you have?

I have four roommates.

Because all your roommates got COVID, did that make you more scared of COVID? Or because you didn’t get it, you were kind of like, “Well, I’m invincible now.”

Honestly, it made me a little more scared, which is probably not what other people are saying. It kind of put everything into perspective. Like, this virus is here. It made me realize we’re not as invincible as we think we are.

And you’re involved in Greek life right?

Yes.

So, when you go to the frat house, is everybody wearing masks?

It’s really messed up. Basically everyone has to wear a mask at all times when we’re together and whatever. But there’s always exceptions where people like the president and the vice president don’t wear masks all the time. Sometimes, they are not wearing their masks at all.

But no parties?

When it was warmer out … There were a bunch of pool parties that would go down, which had … I’m not even kidding, like 300 to 400 people.

You went to a party with 300 people? Weren’t you scared about COVID?

I actually only attended one for like 10 minutes for a friend’s birthday. But when I was there and seeing Snapchat stories, not a single person wore a mask.

Was it scary? Or just kind of like, “Whatever, I’m just at a party”?

I mean, just being surrounded in an atmosphere of people not giving a shit, it kind of rubs off on you in the moment. Then, after I left, I came back to reality and was like, “Well, that was probably the stupidest thing I’ve ever seen or done.”

Fourth-year student Morgan Gast:

What is your number one fear in regards to the pandemic?

I think my number one fear — which is honestly pretty selfish, I guess — in the whole scheme of things, but still really realistic, it’s just finding a job or doing things after college.

You’re worried COVID gets in the way of that.

Yeah. Now, so many job options are put on hold that we were already gonna have to work so hard to get to after college. So, I think I’m worried about that.

So, would you say you kind of worry more about the future versus right now, the present moment?

Yeah. I mean, I’m not too worried right now. I guess my main fear, I don’t think is health —

It’s financial stability, right?

Yeah, yeah. I guess I would say that. That was always the concern before, and it’s especially … it’s harder to come by stability in jobs even more.

So, does COVID play any effect then into your daily life routine?

In a weird way, COVID has totally decreased my depression and anxiety, and I don’t know why. And I think it’s because I get to spend so much time at home, and I don’t feel guilty for it. I like being at home. And I like having this time, and before I felt so pressured to, like, go out, and there were so many stimuli coming into my life. But now I don’t, like, have to deal with those.’

I don’t think I have ever heard that. You might be one of the few people who can say that.

Fourth-year student Jacques Frank-Loron:

So, you are the president of your fraternity? Correct?

Yes.

What would you say are your priorities right now, being the leader of a house that big? Is your priority just number one, everybody’s safety, or number two, everybody’s comfortable, or like, “Let’s just all make it out in one piece and make sure we all graduate”?

We’re doing our best to keep people safe and keep people’s families safe. And so I’d say, yeah, physical and mental health have been huge priorities for me because I’ve had my own challenges in those areas. And I think the pandemic environment is so much harder on everyone right now.

It’s changed the entire world, which reminds me: How are you viewing the world right now? Is it through fear? Is it through indifference?

My brother actually caught COVID, so it’s real for me. So, as far as where I’m at, I’m frustrated, to say the least. I didn’t want my senior year or the back half of my junior year to go this way. And I’m upset with how it’s affected our communities. But I’m also hopeful. I’ve seen a lot of really good change and a lot of people learning a lot about themselves during this time. So I think everyone’s gonna come out of the pandemic here with a new understanding of who they are.

Finally, what are your feelings about COVID right now? Like one buzz word to describe it.

I’m just super numb to it at this point. There’s no real emotional response in any way.

Fourth-year student Courtney Annakin:

What are your main priorities during this COVID-19 pandemic? Is it health? Is it friends and family? Is it having a good time?

I would have to say my friends and family because I don’t want to infect them. But, like, I’ll be fine if I get it. But I don’t want to give it to anybody else.

That’s very chivalrous of you.

I feel like my actions have repercussions and if they happen to me, it doesn’t bother me as much. I’m like, “I did this thing.” And I’m fully capable of understanding that that has a consequence. But I don’t want to push that consequence onto other people. I can put myself in danger all day. Putting other people in danger is bad.

Absolutely.

At this point, just do your due diligence. Wash your hands for 20 seconds. You should be wearing a mask. You should be keeping your distance; you shouldn’t go to ragers on campus.

Are you still frightened by the COVID-19 pandemic then? Or are you used to it?

I think it is terrifying. But I think the government has kind of played down what’s going on, which is scary. They say things like, “Oh, it’s fine. Everything’s cool.” And everything’s really, really bad.

Do you have any other thoughts, feelings or stories about COVID that you feel are relevant to share?

If you are partying right now, you’re a bad person.

These interviews have been lightly edited for length and clarity.

If you are religious, think of the down-ballot as David and the presidential election as Goliath. If you have siblings, think of your parents’ favorite as the presidential election and the middle child, who — for all intents and purposes — we’ll say is named something random like Henry Kueppers, as the down-ballot. And if you know how to read, think of the down-ballot as “a contest for a political office that appears in a relatively low position on the electoral ballot.” In these scenarios, like David, the down-ballot elections can prove to be mightier than the colossal Goliath, or presidential election. Furthermore, like the middle child, the down-ballot deserves to be told, “We love you, and you are the best, Henry.” (Again, totally random example). My point is, there is a reason this election season that people need to research and understand the importance of their down-ballots because their power should not be underestimated.

Your down-ballot is responsible for the election of school board members, city council members, county prosecutors, district attorneys and judges. And while probably 90% of people could not name their county’s district attorney (I’m guilty, too. Sorry, Michael Orville Freeman, you just weren’t on my radar), it should be noted that basically 90% of your day-to-day activities will be directly affected by these local officials, and not the ones in Washington, D.C. And that’s simply because politics are local. The president won’t determine what traffic lights to get rid of or add to your daily commute, or the amount bail will cost when you find yourself in the slammer for running all the new traffic lights on your daily commute. That’s all city officials, baby.

The down-ballot wields an unprecedented amount of power, yet similar to Mitch McConnell telling people he is a human and not a horrible, reanimated blob of stale tapioca pudding, no one believes it! However, on a local and national level, your down-ballot can and will affect everything.

On a local level, our representatives will be the ones to determine the laws and policies for schools (public and private), health care and policing. Policing is a gigantic discussion point, especially after this summer and the killing of George Floyd. In June, the Minneapolis City Council proposed to give voters the chance to decide if we should defund and disband the Minneapolis Police Department and create a “Community Safety and Violence Prevention department.” Unfortunately, this will not be on the ballot this November because the City Charter Commission declared that they needed more time to look over the proposal, despite the recent death of an innocent man.

Members of the City Charter Commission are appointed by the chief judge of the Hennepin County District Court. But who elects those judges? Why, by Jove, it’s us! Well, what about the governor, who can also appoint and/or promote these judges? Why, it’s us again! The power of all reform, policies and monumental change falls right into our laps, but because national media often focuses on the presidential election, we find ourselves forgetting about local elections and therefore becoming uninformed about what really matters.

Down-ballots are important to national elections as well. When the results of a down-ballot race flip control of a state house or senate seat, it can create new policies and reform that encourages the rise of candidates from a certain party. A great example is former Texas representative and singer of his college rock band, Beto O’Rourke. O’Rourke lost a historically close Senate race to Ted Cruz, but the fact that the race was even close to begin with was because of the changing landscape of down-ballot races in Texas. Before 2018, Texas was full of Republican counties across the entire state. However, year by year, Democrats increased their presence and campaigns and eventually began to win local elections little by little. This led to the eventual build up that pushed Beto O’Rourke so close to victory. It’s plausible now to think that, one day, a Democrat could win a national election in the state of Texas, a state that hasn’t been blue since Jimmy Carter!

I implore you to research your local representatives and their platforms. Find out what they are fighting for and what they would bring to local positions of power. For Minneapolis readers, check out the city of Minneapolis’s website. Use your resources and apply them to the choices you make on the ballot because this November, we will be facing one of the most pivotal elections in recent history. If you’re religious, think of this election as the determination of whether or not the four horsemen of the apocalypse will ride into town. Or, think of it as you are the middle child and this election will finally determine if you get a pat on the back from Mom and Dad and are showered with love and affection. I’m picturing it now, and I hope you do, too.

In academia, I respect my role as a student. This is a societal position that is bestowed upon most young people, and there seems to be a collective agreement within it. As students, our job is not to teach, but rather to be taught. Our job is to ask questions but not have all the answers. Our job is to throw paper airplanes at the wall and be told we’re a bum. That is the role of the student. It is a sacred, delicate balance in the classroom between the teacher and the student.

Yet, with the pandemic, the landscape of our classrooms have changed and with that, so have the relationships and duties of the student and the teacher. Now, students like myself find themselves in weird, uncomfortable positions of power. Because in a digital classroom, the teacher is out of their natural element, whereas the student is right at home. (We live to be on our devices! Screen-agers, am I right?) This past month, there have been several instances where I, a shithead 22-year-old who Googles the plot summary of “Escape from the Planet of the Apes” during class, have found myself teaching my professor, a doctorate-earning scholar who has dedicated their lives to their specific field of study, how to use Zoom.

For instance, in one class, I had to explain to a teacher how to utilize and open the chat tool in Zoom. Another time, my professor could not for the life of them figure out how to unmute themselves. My first instinct was naturally to turn on my mic, practice my Adam Driver impression, hijack the class and lead a riveting discussion on what we as a class believed were the strengths and pitfalls of the original “Planet of the Apes” film series. However, after concluding that my classmates would all make the same derivative analysis — that “Planet of the Apes” highlights classism, sexism and racism issues in our past, present and future — I realized the endeavor would be fruitless because all us “Planet of the Apes” scholars have heard that argument a few hundred times too many. But I digress. We eventually got the professor to turn on their mic after several minutes of chatting and emailing.

Bottom line is, Zoom has blurred the once cemented lines of who the teacher is and who the students are. I still respect my professors and understand they are trying their best, but I cannot lie and say it does not affect my learning experience. Therefore, to all my fellow students, I offer my condolences and sympathy. If you are feeling hopeless, unmotivated or annoyed with school, you are not in the wrong. Neither are your professors. This is a dumb, weird situation we have found ourselves in. Yet, there is hope. Maybe this will carve the way for a new era of teaching and classroom relations.

Perhaps, the voices of students will be heard and treated with more respect. Maybe professors will learn that students are not just stupid shitheads obsessed with “Planet of the Apes” and that they too can teach the teachers of the world. And maybe, just maybe, in a perfect world, teachers will create a space where they finish class 10 minutes early so that students can educate all involved on where they believe the “Planet of the Apes” series will go in the future.

Disclaimer: The columnist apologies for his frequent “Planet of the Apes” references, yet he wants to make it clear that he regrets nothing.

I’m a leftist who thought Bernie was gonna take it all. He’s a conservative who is proud of his country and will vote for Trump. Separate, we sound like diametrically opposed foes. Together, we sound like we should star in a crazy, odd couple sitcom: “One of them is liberal. One of them is conservative. And both don’t like to share. Coming to NBC this fall, it’s ‘Things are not Alt-Right!’ created by Ryan Murphy.”

Yet, there is a reason I chose to interview Kirby Gibson, president of College Republicans at the University of Minnesota. Lately, and maybe it’s just all in my head, it feels like the world is being destroyed, and we are surrounded by utter chaos. I can’t quite put my finger on what it is that makes me feel this way, but nonetheless, it’s there. Therefore, I came to the conclusion that in order to maintain what little humanity the world has left, we should not be picking childish fights like our “leaders” do on national television, but rather listen critically to each other, engage in civilized debate and desperately search for what we have in common. Otherwise, it is my firm belief that we’re utterly doomed.

So, what do a college Democrat and a college Republican have in common? Let’s find out:

So, how do you feel about possibly switching presidential debates with gladiator-style fights?

I think it would be highly entertaining, and it would probably be Trump’s best chance of winning. So, I think he could stick it to Biden in a gladiatorial battle.

What if there’s a lion in the ring, though?

Oh, then, I think we would never have a new president. Or we’d only have bodybuilders as president.

Dwayne “The Rock” Johnson could step in and really make some good, you know, executive calls. That’s good to know how you stand on that. We then agree that gladiator battles are worth a try. So, a more serious question, though. You are politically involved, I’m very politically involved. The country is very polarized right now. Why do you think our country is so divided and polarized?

Like, [in 2016] we were already already getting there, we were already a lot farther polarized than people think. So, when the 2016 election came in, you had a lot of really angry Republicans mad at how the party was run. And then we started to have the beginnings of people on the left being mad at either people who weren’t happy with what Obama did, or didn’t feel like he got enough done, versus people who want to … the more I guess Bernie/AOC kind of Democrats. So you had the left upset, you had the right upset with their parties. And the Republicans end up picking Donald Trump almost as kind of like a “screw you” to the establishment. And then with the left, the Democrats picking Hillary Clinton, who I think I mean — maybe you’ll agree with me — is probably the most unlikable presidential candidate ever —

Nah, I disagree. It’s Herbert Hoover, he was pretty unlikable.

This is true. I just feel like it came with two candidates that no one was happy with. And then no matter what happened once one won, it kind of became a “us versus them” kind of thing.

That kind of segues me into my next question for you. What are your thoughts overall on a two-party system in our country?

I feel like the way our government is set up, it’s the only way. Like, the way we elect presidents, it just fits a two-party system. If America was to ever have anything else, we would have to institute some type of ranked-choice voting, or we would have to switch to a parliament.

So you think a two-party system is kind of inevitable?

With the way our government is set up? Yes.

I personally think it would be best not to have a two-party system. You almost get confined to two boxes, and it’s black and white. So, I’m not a fan of the two party system.

When you compare our way of electing people to other countries, like Canada or the U.K., there are no types of primaries. They’re selected by the party, like who your representative is going to be, so I do like that.

Ah, Kirby I want to pin it here a little bit because I think I have a question that everybody wants to know: Do you believe in ghosts?

As someone who grew up in a very like religious household, I love the idea of like demons and like I love movies, but like demon possession and stuff like that. So, I would be more confined to believe in some type of demonic thing over some like someone died, and it’s still living in their home. So I don’t know if I’d like to believe in it believe in it.

So, if you want to see a good movie about a bunch of creepy demons haunting a house, you should watch “Sex in the City,” the movie.

My mom used to like Sex in the City. So maybe I’ll ask her about it.

All right, let me ask you another serious question because we’ve got to do a little bit of both. Everybody has so many different ideas and values today in our country. Let’s just say for all intents and purposes, every American in the world had to listen to you, Kirby. What would be three core values that you would tell the country that we should favor, that we should really prioritize?

Like, I can be very cliche, and say life, liberty and the pursuit of happiness. I’m very pro-individual rights. So, if I could put three words that I would be like, ‘Hey, Americans, let’s all get behind personal responsibility.’

Hey, I mean, that’s pretty good. My answer was sex, drugs and rock and roll, so…

You know what, like, it’s hard to beat those things.

Kirby, what happens when we die?

Probably a lot of us will end up in the same place and be like, wait a minute, none of this mattered.

I think you’re right. I’d like to think that we’re all going to end up in a Costco produce aisle and like, the heavenly realms, and we’re all going to argue over pine nuts. That’s the dream. That’s the dream. Speaking of dreams, do you have hope for the future of America, and what gives you that hope?

I’m very, very hopeful. I feel like what I’m thinking about specifically, this election: Either Trump wins, and that’s awesome. You know, it’s four more years of probably Republican control. Or, Biden wins, and probably nothing happens for four years. But I am hopeful that regardless of who’s in power, we have enough checks and balances in this country to make sure one person can’t do that much bad. The founding fathers made it extremely difficult for anything to get done in America. That’s kind of the reason why it’s hard, like unless you’re FDR and in charge forever.

Yeah, FDR, his polio was not a curse, it was a blessing and we just didn’t know it. Yeah. All right, since you brought up the founding fathers, it’s time for the ultimate question: Bang, marry, kill the following presidents: Calvin Coolidge, Grover Cleveland and Millard Fillmore.

I would definitely marry Calvin Coolidge. If you have the name of cool Cal or the Sphinx, the Potomac, you probably are a great, great, great partner. Um, he’s definitely one of those presidents that’s like always just considered just a good president by everyone. So, I feel like he’d be a good partner. Grover Cleveland looks like he’d be amazing for a one-night stand. Yeah, he’s got that nice beard. You know, Millard Fillmore was part of the Whig Party. That’s kind of a stupid name for political parties. So, I’d probably have to kill Millard Fillmore.

I have exactly the same answers, Kirby, this is what I’m talking about! The left and the right can come together, baby, and it’s beautiful. All right. Last question. And this is probably the most important question. What is your favorite Sandra Bullock movie?

I honestly do not — I cannot think of one movie Sandra Bullock is in.

Don’t say that to me, Kirby. Don’t —

I just looked it up. I’d probably say “The Blind Side.”

Hmm..well, my answer is “Speed,” her debut film, and that’s the correct answer. So, this interview is over.

—

I won’t write now that this interaction changed my life forever. I’m not gonna say that fighting is silly and that we should all gather together at the crest of Whoville and sing to the spirit of Christmas (eat your heart out, Cindy Lou Who). At the end of the day, I believe it is healthy for people to disagree and argue with each other. However, it’s when these arguments become laced with malice and hatred that I believe it ceases to be appropriate. So, thanks to Kirby, I learned that even though we may never share the same political ideologies, we can still find a common ground, respect each other and even joke about which founding father we’d like to have a one-night stand with. And, darn it all, if that’s not humanity at its finest, then I don’t know what it means to be human.

Voting is not enough anymore. After four years of a turbulent, unpredictable and disgraceful administration, this election could mean everything. Our backdrop is a world that resembles that of a dumpster fire in California: a real hot mess. COVID-19 continues to spread, California burns and racial injustices are commonplace across our nation. This election comes to us on the brink of utter global chaos and calamity. I struggle to think of a better way to frame this in order to describe the desperate urgency I’m feeling. Yet, there are people out there who still can’t grasp this. I mean, help me out a little bit, guys! The picture of a world on the precipice of an apocalyptic nightmare isn’t enough to make you want to take action? Fine. Imagine then, if you don’t take this election seriously, they’re going to discontinue Oreos. Ah! Now you’re paying attention. I implore readers to picture an incentive, real or not (like the state of our world or a popular cookie brand) and really think about consequences because the point I’m trying to make is simple: No matter what your political beliefs or how you view the world, this election is absolutely going to impact every single one of us. That is our call to action.

While I hope you are fighting for justice and equality and not a Double Stuf Oreo, in the end I guess I’m just happy you’re deciding to take this election seriously. You’ll recall I told you that voting will not be enough this election. Obviously, voting is without a doubt the most critical and crucial task you’ll complete during the election, but if we want to make substantial changes, you’re going to have to dig deeper. So, let me tell you why voting will not be enough and what other actions need to be taken.

With COVID-19 running rampant thanks to the ignorance of our president and his administration, thousands of Americans are trapped … literally. The immununo-compromised can barely make it to the grocery store without risking life and limb. This is coupled with the imminent threat of voter suppression, which, according to the American Bar Association, affects out-of-state students and lower-income communities much more than other groups. And just because Uncle Sam loves to rub salt in the wound, remember that COVID-19 is vastly more detrimental to communities of color than white communities.

Speaking of voter suppression, yeah! That’s still a thing! State legislatures are continuing to vote in favor of voter ID laws, voter registration restrictions and voter purges (I’m exhausted just thinking about it, but my friends at the American Civil Liberties Union will explain it far better than I ever could).

And this wouldn’t be a column about an American election if we didn’t touch on foreign hackers. As reported by Microsoft in early September, Russia is not the only country threatening our free-and-fair election. China and Iran have also decided to join the party. While the federal government has so far boasted zero successful digital breaches, Microsoft reported that there has been an increase in attempts to hack email servers and websites of both Democrats and Republicans. Considering the affects foreign collusion had on our last presidential election (Robbie Mueller proved it, don’t bother trying to deny it) this is not something to take lightly. I guess our one silver lining in this paragraph is at least hackers are choosing to be non-partisan.

Folks, we’re upstream without a paddle this election. Hell, that’s being optimistic. We’re upstream on a flimsy piece of cardboard, in water surrounded by piranhas with nothing but overdue Netflix bills in our pockets. Yet, we are still alive. Gosh darnit, call me Elton John because I’m Still Standing, and you are too. I write this article on the eve of the passing of Justice Ruth Bader Ginsburg (may peace be upon her). Many are feeling lost and hopeless without her, myself included. It seems wrong, though, not to continue the fight she led on that bench. That’s why I’m not giving up until the fat lady (aka Mike Pence) sings. In addition to voting on Nov. 3, here is something every one of us can do:

Donate: Everyone’s situation is different, so obviously finance your basic human needs first. However, if you find yourself with some spare change, think about donating it to organizations or state representatives (not just from Minnesota) who support your ideals. Here are a few I suggest: League of Women Voters, the Minnesota chapter of the ACLU and Election Protection.
Call voters: Organizations such as Rock the Vote and Protect the Vote are always looking for volunteers to spread awareness on voting and voting rights. The best part is, you can volunteer digitally by placing phone calls or sending texts to voters. The future is here!
Write letters: Okay, I know I just said the future is here, but the power of letters (while appearing, albeit, antiquated) can never be underestimated. Right now, there are voters in Super States who are not sure which way they are going to vote. An impassioned letter imploring them to think hard and vote for the right candidate can make all the difference.
Talk to your family: I don’t care if you feel uncomfortable around your bigot of an uncle or your confused grandparents: The time is now to educate and convince them to vote. In 2016, 58.1% of eligible voters went to the polls. What a joke! Lady Liberty gave us a fat F, and unless we want to fail again, we need to work to build up our voter turnout rates.

This is not a definitive list by any means, but it is a starting point. I encourage you to explore these and more options this election season. But let me make one thing absolutely clear: This is it. You have to choose what side of history you want to be on. Will you embrace the legacy of RBG and your civic duties by voting? Or, will you be complacent in what could be the final blow to our democracy?

Using Zoom is similar to watching a really bad movie in two ways: first, just like a bad film, the first ten minutes is ironic and fun, as you are able to laugh and make silly little jokes about the idiocracy of the whole situation. However, like a bad movie, the joke gets old, and you quickly want out. Second, I am pretty sure all bad films and Zoom programming are executively produced by dreamboat Hugh Grant (unable to find the contact information for Mr. Grant on the internet, this columnist was led to believe that he clearly must be hiding something if he wishes to not publicly post his email address.)

Hugh Grant aside, students are exhausted by daily Zoom meetings, more so than in the good old days of in-person classes. The term for this ever-growing anxiety, frustration and weariness surrounding video conferencing apps is known as Zoom fatigue. Zoom fatigue is concerning for two main reasons: first, it simply is not evaluated and discussed enough inside a learning institution as large as the University of Minnesota. Secondly, I am disheartened by the fact that this is the name we came up with. No workshopping, no polls, nothing. It really makes me concerned for the creativity levels of our nation’s top scientific minds. However, for brevity, I will only analyze my first point.

Multiple factors contribute to Zoom fatigue. Several researchers agree that Zoom users exert more emotional effort on their brains utilizing the app because as humans we depend on nonverbal communication mechanisms. Nonverbal communication techniques include body language, subtle shifts and moments of silence in between discussions. Think of it like this: in person, we can see our boss Douglas giving a presentation. We see that he is fidgeting, meaning a lack of confidence, leading us to believe that he does not know what he is doing. Maybe if we are lucky, he will pull out the finger guns, meaning we have to laugh politely at whatever dumb joke he has just told. This is how our brain processes all interactions, and these rules we are so fond of and attuned to have been tossed out in exchange for tiny, digital windows that force our brains to scramble and try to process what happened to all those nonverbal cues. Now, if our boss Douglas tells a joke over Zoom, we won’t know when to laugh, because we can’t see his finger guns.

Zoom forces us to focus solely on the conversation at hand, but this is a daunting and exhausting exercise for our minds because the brain has a limited working memory capacity. As we consciously exert focus on one specific task, such as listening to one speaker on a Zoom call, we fill up our cognitive load, which in turn makes inferring our peers emotions and words on the screen a tiring and fruitless endeavor.

Of course, who could forget that this is all most likely taking place from the comfort, or discomfort, of your own home, which has just become your office. There are no boundaries, no distinctions. And as our brains are naturally associative machines, there will become a dissonance when your bedroom is also your cubicle. And now you can kiss your signed poster of Ted Danson from 1982 goodbye, because everyone can see you and your background. Speaking of which, my hair! I need to fix it, and what? Is that really what my nose looks like? Distracting thoughts like this can race through anyone’s mind when they see their face on a Zoom call. Maybe I’ll go into another room for this class, and what’s this? My roommate has decided that today was the day to take up naked yoga in the family room. What good luck!

Zoom has become an unwanted stage for introverts and even daring extroverts, because you are forced to “be on” and “perform” to prove that you are understanding and reciprocating all the information being taught. It is understandably infuriating for college students across the country who have to use it for hours every day, and the implications for us are unbelievable. We jeopardize our own mental wellbeing on a daily basis and question whether or not we are truly gaining any actual knowledge or semblance of an education, while also combatting our own insecurities, anxieties and uneasiness. This issue is further complicated by the University, which sends condescending emails blanketed as “reassuring” to us on a daily basis and offers digital therapy sessions to help with our stress. The irony just hurts at this point, it’s almost insulting.

I can only condemn the University’s actions to a degree, because running a massive higher education institution probably has untold trials and tribulations. However, because I’m petty, I can condemn them a tiny bit. The students need an organization that can be honest and genuine with them. We are in a pivotal time and the University has dropped the ball on several issues that have come their way this year, especially regarding race relations. The least they can do is be as empathetic and engaged as possible when it comes to the pandemic, rather than coming off as your weird uncle, who never remembers your birthday but is always quick to ask you to loan him $15,000. The strategy should not be “keep going, push through!” but “do what you can and please take care of yourself first.” I am convinced that by the end of September, we will all receive a ‘90s style PSA video with Goldy the Gopher doing a backflip off a scooter, slapping a cigarette out of a kids hands and giving a big thumbs up to the camera, while text pops up that reads, “Zoom is cool!”

In the end, there is one final, crucial way that Zoom is like a bad movie: Zoom gives a lot of money to those who hold power and they, in turn, create a lot of sequels for even more money. Unfortunately, with no tangible end in sight regarding the coronavirus, it seems we might see several more versions of this bad film.