Dear Eloise,

Now that you’ve given me all those tips on how to spend my summer, I can’t wait, especially because most of my friends already finished school. What can I do to make it through these last few weeks?

Sincerely,

Summer Samantha

Dear Summer Samantha,

You should get a calendar, circle the last day of finals with a red marker, and count down by crossing out the days. Don’t forget to film yourself, make a montage of these last few weeks, and play “Closing Time” by Semisonic in the background. This will make these last few weeks go much faster while at the same time motivating you to look the part. In addition, you could spend a lot of time outside eating fruit salads and tanning. Do homework outside or don’t do it at all. I very strongly suggest the former, although you can choose. You can also do a Google image search for photos of the beach and 3-D print them and pretend you’re at the beach. Just focus and remember that you will be relaxing soon enough!

Sincerely,

Eloise

Dear Eloise,

I have to pick housing for next year, and I am really stressed. Help!

Sincerely,

Homeless Harold

Dear Homeless Harold,

Finding a place to live takes both patience and effort. Apartments and houses can be expensive or be in inconvenient locations. Therefore, I suggest renting a box in front of 30th Street Station. With a deposit of only five bitcoins, you can rent this box for the entire school year or even longer. You can decorate it with crayons or markers — it depends if they started drug testing for marker fumes on job sites. In addition, you can use a hole-puncher to create solar panels and/or a sunroof. And the best part is that you can easily relocate your entire home in seconds — especially when the sun has been out for too long and you want some shade. If boxed life does not suit you, I suggest looking for houses or apartments to rent in the area. If you prefer to live on campus, then you can search through the housing page and find something convenient and affordable to you.

Sincerely,

Eloise

*Eloise is in no way sponsored to advertise box homes

Dear Eloise,

I’ve been playing a lot of Tetris lately. It helps me relax and pass the time, but it also distracts me from many important tasks. All my Facebook friends see when I play Tetris through the application, and it’s getting embarrassing. Not to mention, sometimes when I close my eyes, I see Tetris blocks falling. Help me, please.

Sincerely,

Addicted Adam

Dear Addicted Adam,

Tetris addictions are looked down upon in most societies — how do you expect to get a proper suitor? You sure won’t be able to find a fine gal who is light as a feather with a father who is willing to give you two cows and a goat for his daughter’s hand in marriage if you have a Tetris addiction. The most you can expect is maybe a lost cause whose father gives you a roasted chicken he bought from Boston Market a week ago. I think support groups for Tetris addictions exist, and they take place in rooms where all the furniture is round to prevent you from having sinful thoughts regarding Tetris blocks. You should get help immediately. Don’t hesitate, as your problem might get much worse once you reach a level in the double digits. Just kidding — just take a break from Tetris and play some “Mario Kart” or something; substitution is always key.

Sincerely,

Eloise

The post Dear Eloise appeared first on The Triangle.

Dear Eloise,

Got any tips for building a resume?

Sincerely,

Workaholic Will

Dear Workaholic Will,

As a master of deception, I have a few tips on embellishing your resume to make you appear irresistible for even the most competitive jobs. I suggest making every hobby or skill of yours appear sophisticated. For example, if you’re someone who enjoys spending time playing Club Penguin, I suggest writing “children’s entertainment enthusiast.” If you eat lots of toast because you’re not Martha Stewart, then you’re a “toastmaker extraordinaire”. It’s simple — just make everything sound professional. Pull a Gatsby and deceive everyone. I also suggest asking trustful people — and those you meet on Craigslist don’t count — to take a look at your resume and help you make it better.

Sincerely,

Eloise

Dear Eloise,

I’m a freshman, and I want to take advantage of my only free summer during my time at Drexel. What should I do?

Sincerely,

Summer Samantha

Dear Summer Samantha,

Because it’s your only summer, you should make it the best one yet. I suggest sitting at home, eating peanut butter sandwiches and watching entire seasons of “Law & Order” on Netflix. If that doesn’t seem like your cup of tea, you should cover your body in Nutella and roll down a bunch of hills. However, I don’t suggest this because I am not sure if it is legal and also because that’s a waste of Nutella. Get a job bagging groceries, become an indentured servant and take an unpaid internship, or take a class over the summer to get ahead. I also suggest buying some aviators, getting a tan and spending lots of time people watching at your local pool. Just have some fun, for Pete’s sake!

Sincerely,

Eloise

Dear Eloise,

This spring weather is driving me nuts; it’s cold in the mornings but extremely warm in the afternoon. What do I wear to class?

Sincerely,

Fashion Fiona

Dear Fashion Fiona,

I suggest putting deodorant on your legs circa Paulie Bleeker in 2007. Then buy a pair of pants that have zippers on the legs and turn into shorts. This way, when it gets warm you can just unzip layers and leave them behind. Layers are really key here; think of yourself as a cake. Just make sure you don’t eat too much cake because you want to maintain your summer figure underneath all of these cakelike layers. In reality, I think you should just wear a sweater or jacket that you could take off in the afternoon. Enjoy the weather before the summer heat makes you melt like a Popsicle.

Sincerely,

Eloise

The post Dear Eloise appeared first on The Triangle.

Dear Granny,

I am going to start going on interviews for co-op for next fall, and I am incredibly nervous. With so much at stake, how do I ensure that I make a good impression with a potential boss?

Sincerely,

Working William

Dear Working William,

Now, I have not gone on many interviews myself due to the fact that I could not type in the ‘60s and my bratty children were unable to go unsupervised for more than five minutes until the age of 17. However, I am extremely aware that first impressions are simply essential. I mean, I am not saying that one should judge a book by its cover, but a lot of times that is just the case. I have this loathsome neighbor whose name I shall not reveal based on principle, but she is just a terrible creature. When I first moved into my house, she promptly knocked on the door to introduce herself and brought me a half-eaten low-fat granola bar as a housewarming gift. It was a terrible first impression. Now listen to me, sonny. In order to make a first impression, there are a couple of things that you should avoid doing. Please, for the sake of all that is holy, do not wear “jorts”; jean shorts are the reason why children get rocks thrown at them in the schoolyard. In addition, please avoid telling any stories about your morals, even if dental hygiene is a way to show your time management skills. I am sure you’ll do wonders!

Toodles,

Granny

Dear Granny,

I’m extremely fond of social media, but despite my large amount of friends on Facebook, I don’t think my wit is truly recognized by the masses. How can I get more likes on my really funny statuses?

Sincerely,

Internet Ian

Dear Internet Ian,

I type this column on a mighty fine typewriter, and I don’t quite understand the premise of this “Facebook.” Is it simply a photo album? I attempted to take up scrapbooking a few years back but got so frustrated with my family’s non-photogenic traits that I told myself to either buy an entire new family on the black market or give up scrapbooking completely. I did not have the funds for the former, so I was stuck with the latter. Anyway, it seems as if popularity appears to be the true issue at hand. Because I spend a lot of time watching “Oprah” reruns and color-organizing my pantyhose, I am not exactly sure what to tell you. Perhaps you should post controversial things to get more feedback. For example, maybe say something like “I just ate a deer. Can’t tell if I prefer it with mustard or ketchup,” or “Down with the bourgeoisie capitalist agenda!!!!” You will definitely become more popular and maybe even create a new gourmet meal or start an international revolution. The options are endless, really.

Toodles,

Granny

Dear Granny,

I attempted to do laundry a couple weeks ago; it was not for the first time, but I usually just bring it home with me for my mom to do (no judgment, please). However, I shrank many of my sweaters, and now I feel like my wardrobe is incomplete. What can I do to get out of this rut and avoid future laundry problems?

Sincerely,

Sweater Samantha

Dear Sweater Samantha,

I am most hurt by the fact that you torture perfectly innocent pieces of cotton, wool and cashmere like this. Before I continue answering your question, I would like to direct you toward the Declaration of Independence of the United States. Now I was not alive when it was written, but I am sure that when the founders of this fine nation said that everyone has unalienable rights such as those to “life, liberty and the pursuit of happiness,” they did not exclude sweaters. Anyway, I’ve been doing laundry all my life, so I can give you a few tips. Separation is key. Next, make sure to read the labels — not stereotypes, but the actual labels on your clothes — and follow the directions. If these steps are too complex, you can always coat your body in peanut butter, roll around in the grass and pretend you are an eco-friendly version of Lady Gaga. You’ll avoid doing laundry and gain recognition at the same time.

Toodles,

Granny

The post Dear Granny and Eloise appeared first on The Triangle.

Dear Granny,

My roommate uses grammar incorrectly whenever my friends are around. To be frank, it’s a tad embarrassing. How do I get him to stop?

Sincerely,

Annoyed Anthony

Dear Annoyed Anthony,

When I was a youngling, there were no questions about whether or not proper grammar should be used — especially in front of the ladies. I mean those darn greaser hooligans had their own vernacular, bees-knees and hotsy-totsy, but the gentlemen were always proper and enchanting. However, there’s nothing like the vernacular of the young folks — along with inflation — that reminds me that times are really changing every day. Perhaps your roommate gets so nervous trying to impress your entourage that he completely loses his sense of self. You should take this via the “My Fair Lady” route and begin teaching him proper grammar and pronunciation: “The rain in Spain stays mainly in the plain.” However, take this route cautiously, for it may lead to an inspiring cinematic romance between the professor and the student, and you really should not be mixing business with pleasure, dearie.

Toodles,

Granny

Dear Granny,

I have been trying to stay healthy this term, but it’s rather difficult. My friends keep peer pressuring me into eating five too many pizza slices. How do I keep on track?

Sincerely,

Healthy Heath

Dear Healthy Heath,

Even though you may be watching your weight — although at this point it appears that it really is not going anywhere — it is OK to indulge every once in a while. As a housewife, I find cooking to be an outlet for all my emotions. I keep my dreadful husband, Donald, in check by the mere threat of him finding arsenic in his pot roast or scotch; it is safe to say that he rarely crosses me. Anyway, something I suggest you do is to get some sort of device that shocks you every time you think about greasy food, darling. You understand, sweetie? This way, every time your mind even considers the idea of consuming something that is not water or broccoli, you will feel excruciating pain. I am not sure about the legality of such a device, but the ladies I play bridge with just rave about it. You’re a brave soul; even I’m not courageous enough to resist a slice of heaven — and I lived through World War II.

Toodles,

Granny

*Eloise is M.I.A.

The post Dear Granny and Eloise appeared first on The Triangle.

Dear Granny and Eloise,

Springtime is finally here! How can I use the weather to my advantage when planning fun activities in Philadelphia?

Sincerely,

Stuck & the City

Dear Stuck & the City,

Oh dearie! You see, one of my favorite artists of all time — no, not that whippersnapper with the big ego, Kanye East — Elvis Presley recorded a beautiful song called “Burning Love.” I only know this because my dreadful husband, Donald, sings this before dinner every night, something I still haven’t gotten completely used to. However, the song goes something like, “I feel my temperature rising / Higher, higher / It’s burning through to my soul.” So listen here sonny, I am not bringing this up to tell you that my husband is a terrible singer, which he definitely is! I am bringing this up because it sounds like you have a case of spring fever! Back in my day, we would go to a drive-in to watch a talkie, but I’m not exactly sure what you whippersnappers do for fun nowadays. Perhaps just walk around and enjoy each other’s company because time is a precious thing to waste.

Toodles,

Granny

Dear Stuck & the City,

My favorite thing about spring weather is sitting inside and playing Nancy Drew games on my computer. That way you can do two things: completely avoid social interaction and become incredibly successful at amateur puzzles meant for young adolescents that are actually rather difficult. The only downside about this springtime lifestyle is that when you fail to complete a puzzle, you resort to looking up cheat codes online, which leads to low self-esteem as well as overeating. Therefore I suggest a brilliant compromise for those who dare to accept the challenge: Take your laptop and a blanket, and play your games outdoors. This way you can interact with people in the real world while simultaneously getting tan to the point that you can create your own reality TV show set on a beach. Best of luck to you!

Sincerely,

Eloise

Dear Granny and Eloise,

I’m a computer science major, and the life of an engineer does not allow for much leisurely reading. What can I do to become well read and sophisticated like my English-major colleagues?

Sincerely,

Visual Studio Vinny

Dear Visual Studio Vinny,

Although I am sure you’re just completely enthralled with coding, you should never feel like you’re forced to pick one end of the spectrum, dearie! When I was growing up, we had very limited forms of entertainment, which led to me reading many, many books that I would pick up from the library. Of course, this hobby continued, seeing as how Donald is just a complete bore. Therefore you should always try to make time for leisurely reading even though you are already a very busy bee. Perhaps join a book club so that you can socialize and read at the same time; I know how you computer science majors like efficiency. Once a week, the ladies and I get together to play bridge and sip lemonade, and it’s just marvelous, darling!

Toodles,

Granny

Dear Visual Studio Vinny,

I’m very enthused with your desire to read. I, too, become too extravagantly busy to read due to my desire to watch Jim and Pam fan videos on YouTube for hours on end. However, I have a quick remedy that will solve all your problems. I suggest that you begin by just making up novels and journals that you read when talking to friends. For example, let’s say your pretentious buddy comes up to you and starts ranting about the disgusting bourgeoisie agenda that is attached to that one book that you did not have time to read. What you have to do is take a breath and begin talking about how that book is extremely similar to a French* book that you had accidentally stumbled upon a few months back. Then mumble something in gibberish but make it believable, something that an old man in a beret would say when walking down the street in Paris. Your friend will be so thrown off by your eloquence that he or she will completely forget their point and retreat to a corner. As a result, “How You Like Me Now” by The Heavy will begin playing in the background as you walk off into the sunset or the smog. Mission accomplished.

Sincerely,

Eloise

*PS: Make sure that your friend does not speak French.

**PPS: Because this has never been attempted before outside of the laboratory, make sure you have adult supervision before you try this at home.

The post Dear Granny and Eloise appeared first on The Triangle.

Dear Granny and Eloise,

What are some good study-abroad programs?

Sincerely,

Wanderlust Waldo

Dear Wanderlust Waldo,

Ah, dearie, to have the opportunity to travel is an excellent one. It’s great that you’re looking into it, but where you should go depends on your language skills and your interests. Drexel offers many great study-abroad programs, but if you don’t find anything that suits your interests and abilities, there are outside resources, too. You can just use your Internet thingy and search it, but be wary of scams. Good luck!

Toodles,

Granny

Dear Wanderlust Waldo,

Studying abroad is a great way to get new experiences, especially if you are physically fit enough to re-enact the movie “Taken.” If you’re not physically fit enough, you should befriend someone who resembles Liam Neeson to make it more realistic. Obviously a great study abroad program would be one in Paris. I’m a tad bit biased because I’m clearly a huge Francophone — hello, my name is Eloise — but it’s all right. Just imagine sitting in cafes like Ernest Hemingway or F. Scott Fitzgerald. If you don’t have the language experience, you can just attempt to fake it by saying everything with a French accent while wearing stripes. If you’re not a huge Francophile because you had a disappointing childhood or hate the way France lost all of their wars, you can check out Drexel’s study-abroad website for more countries to visit.

Sincerely,

Eloise

Dear Granny and Eloise,

This term has been really busy, and I haven’t been able to see many people. I feel as if I’m growing apart from my really close friend. How do I solve this issue? I obviously really care about her.

Sincerely,

Loner Lisa

Dear Loner Lisa,

With time, even some of the closest friends drift apart. If you are concerned that this is happening to you and want to preserve the friendship, then reach out to the person. I don’t mean just saying “hi” as you pass her by on bingo night. Instead, go seek her out when she has free time and have a serious discussion with her. Try to find the source of the problem if there is one. Consider both her issues and your own because friendship is a two-way street; no one person is at fault for the distance. If it means something to you (and it clearly does given that you’re writing about it), then reach out to her or deal with it.

Toodles,

Granny

Dear Loner Lisa,

You should get out a handy dandy ruler and measure the distance between you two. Keep her within 65 inches at all times. This way you can practice for the three-legged race, bond over grilled cheese at the dining hall and pass as conjoined twins to nearby strangers. If this seems a little too close for comfort, you can also sign a pact to be allies in case water fights or paintball battles break out between other Drexel students — just make sure you actually stick to them, unlike Stalin and Hitler. If you don’t see any wars breaking out any time soon, you can also just force her to watch Netflix movies with you in your pajamas or play Clue. Solving crimes always forces people to bond — just look at Sherlock Holmes and Watson.

Sincerely,

Eloise

Dear Granny and Eloise,
My roommate often comes home late at night and turns on the light, which wakes me up. I’ve tried talking to him about it before, but he keeps doing it. How do I get him to stop?
Signed,
Sleepless in Philadelphia

Dear Sleepless in Philadelphia,
Life was so much simpler when there wasn’t electricity — not that I was around for that, of course. Actually, it’s probably better to have your roommate turn on the light than to have him shove a candle or a lantern in your face. Anyway, you should approach him one more time when he isn’t busy and have a serious discussion with him. Be honest and make an agreement. For example, you could tell him that he can turn on the lamp for a few minutes until he gets settled but not turn on the main light. Or if he feels the need to turn on the main light, he could come back earlier. If you can’t come to a reasonable agreement or if he repeatedly breaks the agreement, you could approach your resident assistant, who would be able to negotiate terms between you and your roommate and see that the agreement is implemented. Try to give him the benefit of the doubt because everyone forgets things from time to time. If he shows a blatant disregard for your sleeping schedule, that’s when you should approach your RA. This solution will take some time, so until then you can temporarily sleep with your head under the covers or under a pillow to avoid being bothered by  the light. Good luck!
Toodles,
Granny

Dear Sleepless in Philadelphia,

I think your only option at this point is to take out all of the light bulbs in your room and then tell your roommate that your room was robbed — oddly enough, the only thing that was stolen were the light bulbs. When your roommate decides to file a report against this mystery thief, you should store the missing light bulbs under his bed or on his desk. This would convince him that he commits crimes in his sleep and force him to turn himself in to Public Safety. As a result, you would not only get a good night sleep but would also have the room to yourself. To quote the historical documentary “Stepbrothers,” it would lead to “so much more room for activities.” I’m not sure about the statistical probability of this actually occurring, so you should always prepare a plan B. Some examples to consider include building a fortress around your bed to block out the light, becoming immune to the light — also known as blindness — like a bat, or taping down the light switch to make it physically impossible to turn on the light. I wish you luck, brave soldier.

Sincerely,

Eloise

Dear Granny and Eloise,
Whenever my girlfriend is over, my really close friend always knocks on the door and interrupts. For example, last night we were hanging out and he came in to get his peanut butter. I love my friend, but how do I talk to him about this?
Signed,
Maliciously Third-Wheeled

Dear Maliciously Third-Wheeled,
Oh, goodness. Look, I’m old, and I have some knitting I’d like to finish. What I’m trying to say is, why are you wasting time asking me for advice when it’s right there in front of you? If he is your really close friend, then you should be able to talk to him about it! If you have already tried, maybe he thinks you’re kidding or don’t really mind. Make it clear that it is important to you and that as your good friend he should be mindful of that. If he continues to interrupt you despite your talk with him, consider the fact that maybe the issue lies elsewhere. Perhaps he just wants to spend more time hanging out with you and feels lonely now that you have a girlfriend, or he may even be jealous. Another possibility is that he genuinely does forget items of importance in your room and happens to knock when your girlfriend is visiting. Whatever the case, you need to get to the root of the issue and have a heart-to-heart with your friend. I know it doesn’t seem like the “manly” thing to do, but just give it a try. I guarantee you it will help you in one way or another. That’s how I got my husband to stop playing harmonica to the squirrels at 2:30 in the morning to lull them to sleep every night. Although he may have been a bit offended at first, once we reached common ground on the issue we were able to better understand each other and make progress. Now, I sleep happily; he doesn’t play his harmonica, but the squirrels still sleep well.
Toodles,
Granny

Dear Maliciously Third-Wheeled,

I think the bigger issue isn’t the fact that you’re being maliciously third-wheeled but rather the fact that your really close friend, someone you truly care about, has an addiction to peanut butter. This may call for an intervention, so you’ll need to get a banner and practice your understanding glance. For an example, refer to the last 25 seasons of “Oprah”; she really knew what she was doing. Now onto your issue — I think you should make a schedule in order to divide time between your girlfriend and your friend. Because your friend keeps interrupting, it may be because he wants to spend time with you. Color code the chart and use glitter to really make it pop; you can even do it with him — quality arts-and-crafts time never hurt anyone. Think of your time like Germany after World War II, divided into two sections. Your girlfriend can be the Western powers, and your friend can be the Soviet Union — or vice versa, depending on who looks better wearing red. If your friend appears to be upset by how much time you’re spending with your girlfriend, buy him some Nutella to remedy the situation — anything that isn’t peanut butter.

Sincerely,

Eloise

Dear Granny and Eloise,

I’m single, and all my friends have significant others. I feel so left out all the time. How can I have fun without being in a relationship?

Signed,
The Fifth Wheel

Dear The Fifth Wheel,

Oh, goodness. You whippersnappers are so whiny! What ever happened to the independent youth blazing a trail and playing the field? Back in my day, we didn’t even have this dating nonsense! (OK, so now you know I’ve been around for a while, but that doesn’t make me old — just timeless.) Anywho, no one should ever feel left out for making the decision to stay free from commitment. What I’m trying to say is don’t feel like you need to have a significant other in order to enjoy yourself. If all your friends have significant others, I think you should be open to making new friends. Until then, you can do something fun for yourself, like work out, watch a movie or read. If all else fails, you can adopt a cat. Remember, cats are worthy counterparts.

Toodles,
Granny

Dear The Fifth Wheel,

Instead of eating an entire container of Ben & Jerry’s ice cream while filming your cats playing with a ball of yarn, you should make some new friends, watch horror movies and eat Chinese food. Here are some things not to do: Don’t watch any movies featuring Amy Adams, don’t create an online dating profile, and don’t buy yourself flowers and pretend that a new beau has sent them. Just hang out with your friends and have some fun!

Sincerely,
Eloise

Dear Granny and Eloise,

I’ve been dating this guy for a year now, but I don’t know if I should do anything for him for our anniversary. Help!

Signed,
Clueless in Love

Dear Clueless in Love,

Well, after a year it’s about time for a wedding, don’t ya think? Maybe he should be getting you a ring, and naturally, your family could give his family a sheep or two. I’m only kidding, of course. I know you younglings like to take your time in those matters, but it’s just an idea. How about you two go see a movie or go for a walk? You can write him a sweet letter. He’ll probably appreciate anything you give him, and if he doesn’t, it might be time to move on to other prospects.

Toodles,
Granny

Dear Clueless in Love,

I think you should Photoshop your faces together and make a photo album to show what your future children would look like, similarly to what Kate Hudson’s character did in “How to Lose a Guy in 10 Days.” Don’t let the title of the film frighten you! Also, I hear the newest trend this year is destination weddings, so you can buy tickets for a nice, trendy getaway. Please don’t write a poem about how cute his toenails are or how much you sometimes like going through his trash to learn more things about him. Instead, just spend the day together and enjoy being together.

Sincerely,
Eloise