John Kerry’s visit by the numbers

2017 – the year when, in the fall, Mr. John Kerry is to be a Distinguished Fellow of Global Affairs at Yale and oversee the Kerry Initiative.

1 – the number of hours before Distinguished Fellow Mr. John Kerry was to bless Yale with his words and dashing good looks, when Eventbrite informed me that the event would not occur due to “inclement weather.”

36 – other people in the U.S. named John Kerry

36 – people I called to come to campus and give a last minute talk and save the John Kerry legacy, and prove that he is the Distinguished Fellow we all know he is.

66 – Distinguished Fellow Mr. John Kerry’s class year; also, the number of house I will wait in line at Barnes and Noble to get him to sign my copy of his forthcoming memoir, “A Fellow Distinguished Among The Rest”

Three seniors sit at a table in Rubamba.

Senior 1: That last guy wasn’t really…

Senior 2: …society material.

Senior 3: Agreed.

2: Oh, look! It’s just about the time that there’ll be another person outside wanting to answer our questions. Do you want to go and get them?

1: Nose goes!

They laugh. “Nose goes” is a society thing. 3 loses the “nose goes” but is uncomfortable about losing and is the kind of person who would complain about it and so 2 goes.

1 and 3 wait in silence. It isn’t awkward because they are in society together. 1 imagines something but then stops imagining it. 3 knows the thing 1 imagined because it was in 1’s bio, and what 1 imagined was [REDACTED] (I’m sorry, not even this transcript can penetrate that promise of secrecy).

2 re-enters with Junior.

2: Welcome to the interview.

Junior: Haha, thank you. I feel welcome.

1: Good, we want you to feel at ease, because we are very chill people, but we also want you to know that we will judge your character based on this contrived 15-minute interaction, so feel at ease as you can knowing that.

J: Don’t worry. My Yale experience has trained me for this exact kind of interaction.

2: Let’s get right into it. What is your name and what are your extracurriculars and interests?

J: My name is Junior. My extracurriculars have fun acronyms and are very recognizable. In fact, Senior 4 (who is in this society) is in my extracurriculars. Here’s an inside joke about this person to show that I am in the “in” group. My extracurriculars take up a large amount of time, which is great because unstructured time is scary. I’m partly here so that I can structure 12 hours a week next year once I abdicate my extracurricular leadership role, which is so vague that there could be anywhere between 1 to 4 people who hold similar roles in my group, so you don’t know exactly how successful I am. In terms of interests, I am interested in vulnerability and I am being vulnerable telling you that vulnerability is important to me.

1: Here’s a statement meant to show that I identify with you, but because we don’t know each other, might seem threatening. Now, I am going to make a big show of switching to the fun questions. First fun question: What’s your “fun fact”?

J: Oh I’m totally unprepared for this. Which carefully manicured story should I choose to demonstrate my uniqueness and chillness simultaneously? I’ll tell the one that’s vaguely sexual and borderline sociopathic, but I’ll also tie it to my academic interests.

3: That’s great! Last question: why do YOU want to do society?

J: Well, I- I mean I just really feel like it’d be fun to get to know new people in my senior year.

1 spits out their Tequila Sunrise all over the table.

1: That’s the best answer to that question we’ve ever heard!!!

2: You are SOCIETY material!

1 + 2 + 3: So-ciety, So-ciety ,So-ciety!

J: Wait so I’m in?

1 + 2 + 3 laugh. They keep looking at each others eyes to see if it’s okay to stop laughing. It isn’t. It’s a society thing.

1: No, no, no. We’ll invite you to a second round interview, and you’ll think that it went really well, and it will have, but we will pick someone else who does the same extracurriculars as you, but better. But you should absolutely NOT take this personally. We are judging you solely on your character, but don’t let that make you think we are judging you.

J: Ok.

3: Sorry – you have to leave now. We have someone waiting outside.

HeidegGerber Baby Food

Galileo GaliLay’s Chips

Martin Lutherbal tea

Nietzcheetos (ofc they are flaming hot)

Pythogorasberry pie!

René Decarton of milk

B.F. SkinNerds Rope

Henry David Thoreau-gaine (you are balding! and so you keep this in your kitchen!)

Francis Bacon (I didn’t have to change this one at all)

Top 5 games that are more fun than “The Game”

1 – Hide-and-Go-Seek Jenga

2 – Using only a Magic 8-ball to answer questions and ruining your relationship

3 – Pin the tail back on the salamander

4 – Chutes and Ladders

5 – Hot seat except the twist is that you make the person sit on burning coals

1: number of Election days this year.

0: the number of people who were swayed by your Facebook post pleading Trump voters to reconsider.

137: the amount of likes you got on that Facebook post.

3: the number of branches of federal government and the number of holes in a bowling ball, which you can use to destroy a voting machine.

7: The number of summits Gary Johnson has summitted out of the Seven Highest Summits.

500: The number of miles that I’d walk to be the man standing next to you, in a swing state, making you vote for Hillary.

Top 5 things to do next fall break

5 – Sew a fall sleeping bag out of 1000 crunchy leaves.

4 – Make a to-do list of all the things you want to get done in the next ten years and bury it on Old Campus so you can come back in ten years and see if you are a success or a failure.

3 – Go to Cancun so you can spend your spring break in Tulsa.

2 – Try on all the shoes in Kixters.

1 – Look up the phrase “for all intensive purposes” and sigh mildly.

Hallowoads by the Numbers:

52 degrees difference between inside and outside Toad’s

3 dinosaurs making out with Powerpuff Girls

13 people dressed as “stressed students”

600 donuts eaten at Donut Crazy

1 sexy Skull and Ken Bone

Credit: Watch Atlantis: A Lost Empire on repeat

The absolute best thing to do when your family doesn’t come to Family Weekend is to watch Disney’s masterpiece Atlantis: A Lost Empire on loop until the weekend ends. No matter how many times you watch, you’ll never stop loving Milo, the adorkable, white protagonist who is just waiting to join an expedition of racial and sexual stereotypes in order to find the lost city of Atlantis. While avoiding public spaces full of caring parents, you’ll become increasingly convinced that the sassy, ex-criminal, curvaceous, Latina mechanic is crafted solely to please the racist male gaze! Atlantis allows you to enjoy the nostalgia of childhood (like seeing your parents might have) while getting righteously enraged that the major plot point of the film is Milo mansplaining how to use the advanced technology to the native Atlanteans that THEY INVENTED and then FORGOT HOW TO USE. (You’ll soon realize you don’t really want your parents, whose questionable parenting choices led to your nostalgia for fucked up animated films, to come.) So yeah, watching this film repeatedly may turn you into an American Studies major, but hey, you probably were going to be one anyways because you’re reading the Herald.

D: Start a Family

The next best solution to not having your family this weekend is to start one! There’s no time like the present, especially when it comes to having a family. One of the biggest upsides to starting a family is that you’ll be one step closer to getting on Family Feud! Plus, all Yale performing groups are having babies, so you’ll blend right in. Don’t have a group of 8-14 people to have 2-4 babies with? Weirdly enough, biologically, all you really need is to find one person who’s as lonely as you are! Maybe some improv/a capella double reject kid? Also, fun fact: undergoing live birth definitely gets you a dean’s excuse so that you don’t have to take that pesky midterm! One final tip: as soon as the baby comes out of your or your partner’s or your surrogate’s or your cult’s womb, even if they are only a few hours old, dress them in wacky costumes and make them drink lots of alcohol or maybe do some drugs. That’s the best way to make them feel like part of the family.

Fail: Begin the long, arduous process of applying to be a lighthouse keeper.

This has been on the back of your mind for a while, and it might seem like all this free time on Family Weekend should be used to finally pursue your lifelong dream of guiding ships home in the dark. WRONG! If you really wanted this, you should have started a long time ago (instead of entertaining the thought only at 2am and you are panicking about how to make your life meaningful). You can’t just expect to start now, fall of senior year, and walk into a glorious lighthouse the moment college ends! Face it, you didn’t take enough significant coursework in brine or lamps, nor did you do the two mandatory internships with Amos. If Amos shaved every time a young idealist failed to muster up the gumption to live the life of a keeper, he’d never even get five-o’clock shadow, and definitely wouldn’t have his legendary, three-foot long, salt-soaked, fishhook-tangled beard. Sadly, what all this means is that you’ve got to be a realist and throw away your shipguiding dreams. Teach for America, here you come.

Top Five Things To Do When The Weather Is Nice

5 – Cut a hole in your shirt where your sternum is so you get a good, even sternum tan.

4 – Breathe twice as fast so you can enjoy the day twice as much.

3 – Suggest that your section have class outside, circled around the Schwarzman Center, spaced out from each other at even intervals, envisioning a collective Ydea

2 — Show off your falconry skills on old campus.

1 – Figure out how to get that staple out of your hand