Illustration by Asa Mease

Due to health and safety concerns, as of April 28, 2013, Whitman College has placed a ban on Birkenstocks. Many students have raised up their fists in retaliation while other students, for many reasons, see the change as needed.

The health and safety issues with Birkenstock shoes began decades ago in the ’60s when a marked increase of foot fungus and ankle injury made its way to campus. Additionally, recent studies have proven that Birkenstocks have joined the list of newer addictions, such as computer gaming, Facebook and cell phone usage.
Similar to how Ugg boots act as house slippers in Australia, Birkenstocks act as house slippers in their home country, Germany. Indeed, by taking both of these types of house slippers out and into their working day lives, Americans have set themselves up for injury. Would you ride a bike wearing fluffy pink cat slippers? Would you run experiments in chemistry with hydrochloric acid in Spongebob slippers? Would you scale a mountain in zebra print slippers? Not if safety were a concern. Part of the issue with Birkenstocks is in how students use them improperly.

In fact, some students have begun a campaign saying that it’s the student culture of the shoe that makes them dangerous, and not the shoes themselves. They want students allowed to wear Birkenstocks and educated on the proper usage of a pair of Birkenstocks. Around campus this group can be spotted in purple shirts that say: “Birkenstocks don’t give people toe fungus and break their ankles: People who wear them improperly do.”

“Birkenstocks aren’t for climbing mountains; that’s a common misconception here at Whitman. We think that because our footwear is ‘earthy,’ that it can hold up to our active pursuits,” said one Birkenstock educator. “Another problem is that we think the shoes last forever, that the greener the brown or tan pair gets, the more ‘street cred’ we have. Frankly, keeping shoes for that long is unsanitary. While having your mom’s Birkenstocks with a hole in the heel and a broken strap may seem cool, it’s dangerous.”

Some students are celebrating the end of Birkenstocks.

“I’m tired of going out for a nice dinner and seeing girls made up with their hair, makeup, a beautiful dress and then Birkenstocks. Same with guys in suits. Maybe [Birkenstocks] are comfortable, but they are an outfit killer. If we went off what was comfortable all of the time, some of us wouldn’t ever wear clothes while the majority of students would live in yoga pants and pajamas. The line has to be drawn somewhere, and if the shoes are a health and safety hazard, nix them,” said sophomore Ciara Bartbrett.

A Facebook group has since been formed to “Save the Birks: Whitman College” and posts indicate that a protest took place on May 1. Students are instructed by the group to wear their Birkenstocks and go about their normal day, and accept disciplinary action if the college is capable of dispensing that many citations.

Illustration by Kelsey Lund

Hello, Whitman Hosts!
Do you feel weird around your prospie? Does it seem like they don’t want to do anything? Do they sit quietly and look longingly at stuff, or text all the time? You want them to have a good time. You want them to want to go to Whitman because you love it. It’s certainly for the love of Whitman and not the $10. But then, you have this prospie and you want to make them happy, you don’t know what they want to do or what they want to see, and they are too shy to ask.
Worry no more, hosts! The Office of Admission is here to help you. Below is a list of typical activities at Whitman, conveniently checkable. Give this to your prospie and have them check activities and questions they have concerning Whitman so that you can give them exactly what they want.

Hello, Prospective Student!
We hope you love your visit to Whitman College. To maximize your experience here, we would appreciate it if you looked at the below list. Tell us what you want to know, where you want to go and what you want to do. When you are done checking, give this list back to your host and they will get working. Enjoy your visit!

What Does _____ Mean?
Rhetoric
BBMB
Gender is a Spectrum
Beirut
The Condemned House, “Condemned”
The FAH, The Coop, CoHo, Troy
The Quiet Room
WEB (pronounced “web”)
ASWC (pronounced “as-wack”)
The Clarette’s Challenge*
Humans Being
Phi and Phigi
The O.P.
Reid Campus Center, Student Center, “Reid” (pronounced “read”)
The Pio
Varsity Nordic
First-year
Mem (pronounced “mem”)
Lakum Dukum (pronounced “lake-um duck-um”)
The Sweets

I Would Like To…
Go for a climb
Go to the gym
Go for a swim
Go for a bike ride
Take a nap
See the wheat fields
See some theater or a sports game
Play Ultimate on Ankeny
Go to a ____ class
Check out the ____ building
Bake a pie or some cookies
Have a jam session
Do the Clarette’s Challenge*
Chill out

Dance My Ass Off ______
in the TKE basement (pronounced “teak”)
in the Beta basement (pronounced “bay-tuh”)
in the Sig basement (pronounced “sig”)
at Phi/Phigi (pronounced “fee-gee”)
at Condemned
at The Ocho

Make Out/Hook Up With Someone…
(see list above and/or request extended off-campus houses list)

Why Are People Always Talking About _______?
Brunch
Being at the library
Pioneer Park
IM Sports
The Patisserie, “The Patiss”
Olive
Goodwill
Maple Counter
Rhonda
The Sweets
The Testostertones, “The T-tones”
Settlers of Catan, “Settlers”
Magic: The Gathering, “Magic”

Illustration by Katie Emory

It’s the first sunny day of spring, about 75 degrees, a little after four in the afternoon, and Ankney is populated. There is soccer, ultimate, slack-lining, an abundance of guitars and  lines of Kappas in bikinis on towels. The Prentiss lawn is crowded, too. They were the first ones out. There are already pictures on Instagram.

Kappas are more dependable than Punxsutawney Phil at predicting spring and favorable weather. While Phil sports a measly 39 percent accuracy rate, Kappas hold an accuracy rate upwards of 85 percent. Does it all come with that special key? I had to know. I worried I might uncover a sorority secret, or simply offend Kappas with my kooky theory comparing them to rodents.

But, the correlation was too strong to ignore, and I proceeded to interview Kappas about their ability. “I get up in the morning and just know to grab my bikini so I can wear it later,” said Kappa sophomore Lorraine Plotlady. Is weather prediction an innate ability where Kappas “just” know? Did they learn it, is it a requirement, or is it all a hoax or a coincidence? Besides Plotlady, many other Kappas say they just get “the tingling to tan.” I inquired about what happens with waking up before sunrise, and some Kappas say they are still capable of feeling “it” before sunrise.

First-year Camille Tabasko believes she developed the sense: “Everything clicked when I initiated; my sensitivity towards weather increased dramatically,” said Tabasko. Other Kappas want to be sure they aren’t seen in the wrong light. “I don’t wake up, look for my shadow and decide how the weather will be like that. You can’t compare us to groundhogs. I’m a student, not a weather-predicting marmot,” said junior Mia Dove.

I explored science to discover if it was something the Kappas ate. Preliminary research has proven that cottage cheese and quinoa do not improve meteorological skills. Another theory was that time spent in Prentiss Hall, with the adjustable thermostats, increases temperature awareness because of ability to control the room temperature. But then, everyone in Prentiss should have the gift. Perhaps it is all the key, that just like Benjamin Franklin’s key on a kite in a thunderstorm, the keys all around Kappa section help Kappas get the best weather readings. A true conspiracy theory.

Rumors circulate that some Alpha Phi also have this sixth “bikini” sense. DGs say they go outside or check a weekly weather report online if they want to know the weather. Thetas say that if they just all keep their swimsuits on, eventually they will be ready, maybe even first out on a good day.

But most likely, I discovered that the Kappas’ “sense” comes from their aptitude with communication: “Well, if it seems like a really nice day, we just send an email out on the Kappa listserv with where and when we are sunbathing,” said Sophomore Sierra Funklelady. Case closed, for now.

The Walla Walla Police Department decided to implement a new strategy with the parties at Condemned: Do nothing.

“Because parties are nearly every weekend, we thought to try to let the party manage itself this time. Even students get tired eventually, and maybe the draw of the party would lessen if it was completely available,” said Chief of Police Bott Scieber.

The non-themed party started on Saturday, March 23. This Is a Cake Cover Band played. The floor slumped underneath the weight of all the people, no doubt breaking fire code, as usual.

Smoke began to fill the hallways, and partygoers say that by 1 a.m. the visibility was around five feet, maybe six. Later, the house was still packed and the party could be heard from Anderson Hall.

By 2 a.m. This Is a Kinks Cover Band was playing.

Partygoers arrived with one coat and left with another. According to one partygoer, it became so routine that a homemade “Leave a coat; take a coat” sign was written on a piece of notebook paper and taped up by the coat pile.

The inside of Condemned was littered with empty cans of PBR and Natty Light and a few Old English 40s. The lawn was strewn with cigarette butts and the empty boxes of American Spirits they originated from.

Guests arrived wearing face paint, neon, tails and cat t-shirts while carrying strange pipes and unrecognizable musical instruments. Witnesses say it was like Burning Man, but with much less faux fur.

This Is a Beatles Cover Band played as the sun rose. The party did not stop. By that time the floor had actually broken in some places, exposing the basement. Guests fell into the basement, and those without injuries continued the party there.

Finally the cops came.

“We admit it was the wrong move. However, we will not apologize for our attempt. At that point the party was an actual safety hazard, and it is our duty to protect the citizens of this fine city,” said Scieber.

Neighbors claim the song “Thrift Shop” by Macklemore played a total of 35 times, approximately once per hour. Some say the house was actually emitting smoke from cracks in the wood paneling, and when the doors opened, a cloud would follow.

“The herb could be smelled from two blocks away,” said neighbor Rudolph Davenport.

It is not likely that Condemned will be hosting any parties in the near future, since the house currently has no floor. In fact, the repair bill has now overtaken the value of the house itself.

Residents of Condemned say they will start taking up a collection to fund the house’s construction needs. If you feel compelled to donate, any member of the house will gladly receive your contribution. If the funding fails to collect the money needed, Condemned will be no more.

1. If you think your degree will help you have a career in the field you studied.

2. If you wear high heels, fur coats, spray-tans and bronzer. Caveat: The fur coat was your grandmother’s or you bought it from a thrift store. If you are in heels and you aren’t going to a function, people will be thinking, “Oh, poor her, she’s succumbed to the pressures of the gender binary and constructions and is subjecting herself because she’s been told it’s beautiful by the media.”

3. If you supported Romney/Ryan with pin, poster, shirt and other paraphernalia. If you supported Romney/Ryan here, you are the minority. You may be blamed for perpetuating sexism, stealing rights away from women and ignoring global climate change. We all have the rights to our own opinions, but if you go around displaying your Republicanism, you might have to explain yourself. As the “token Republican” in any given class, you may get asked for the “Republican opinion” on matters.

4. If you have purple, blue, green, pink, yellow, orange hair: “Are you doing a gender studies project? Are you in ‘The Tempest?’”

5. If you admit that you don’t go to the gym, don’t work out, don’t play a sport, don’t do yoga, meditate, climb or any other physical activity and don’t want to and you aren’t Kyle Seasly. Prepare for judgment. I’d suggest you start a coalition to protect each other.

6. If you love Bon App. We all like to think we could cook more healthy meals with vegetables we picked from our own gardens and eggs from our own chickens, but college students who live off campus eat eggs and quesadillas. No salad bar. No POG.

7. If you talk about the hefty price of your Patagonia. We like to think we are super utilitarian. We under the delusion that our clothes are the best because they are comfortable, warm and good for running, scaling mountains and camping. But what the average Whittie owns is not cheap and sometimes comparably priced with office wear. Birkenstocks, at least one hundred bucks; the fleece, rain shell, polypropylene shirts, running shoes—even more money. It would be stupid to wear Carhartts to an interview at Morgan Stanley, even if you think that they may have you doing hard labor carrying file cabinets. Don’t make the excuse that your office building will be the first attacked during the zombie apocalypse. It won’t.

8. If you sport Prada, Gucci, Burberry, Juicy, people will wonder why you paid so much for a brand that “means nothing,” that you are trying to display your wealth because that is what will get you more popular: status. At least that is what we have been taught.

9. If you don’t like thrift shopping.(And you don’t like Macklemore either!)

10. If you say that you identify with the capitalist system and intend to make a lot of money when you leave Whitman. “Why would you want to make money when you could live an honest life in the wilderness with those whom you love?”

Illustration by Emily Jones

This past week, a sex tape of Associated Students of Whitman College President junior Beemon Shethmoozian surfaced. The video of the ASWC president, a plate of kale, a giant stuffed teddy bear and multiple members of the Whitman Events Board in what is presumably an empty Town Hall meeting has spread across campus like wildfire.

It all began when ASWC decided to raise the student fee.

“We started getting these threatening emails. They said they had a tape of Beemon doing illicit activities at a Town Hall meeting with members of WEB. All of us simply didn’t believe it—no one goes to Town Hall meetings,” said ASWC member junior Tom Road. ASWC moved forward with the plans to increase student fees and continued receiving strange warnings.

“There was this one time when I walked into our office late at night because I had forgotten my pencil bag there, and I found a plate of kale with a note addressed to Beemon. I thought maybe he was on a health kick and hadn’t had time to snag dinner, so I left the plate there,” said ASWC member sophomore Dan Daggenti. The note was an ominous warning: “Does this turn you on, Beemon?”

Tom Road was there to witness Beemon finding the plate of kale the next morning.

“He picked it up, read the note and dumped the whole dish, plate and all, in the garbage. It was weird, but I just assumed he was having a bad day,” said Road.

At first, ASWC was unclear as to why the student group threatening them was so upset, but a few days before the decision they received an anonymous email.

“WEB and ASWC are like the church and the state. Put them in a bed together and we are back to monarchy. All hail King Shethmoozian. Raise student fees and I’ll raise student eyebrows,” said the email.

ASWC went through with raising student fees and $14 later, the video went viral. The video was tagged #separationofASWC&WEB #BeemonlovesKale. Shortly after the release, an investigation into the relationship of WEB and ASWC began. It found years of inappropriate overlap between WEB and ASWC. In the ’90s, WEB wined and dined ASWC at the Whitehouse Crawford for more funding. In early 2000, WEB threatened to cancel the Millennium Party. But, unlike in the past,in 2013 WEB used its bodies to get funding because wining, dining and threats weren’t working with Shethmoozian. Enter the leak. Since the release of the video, many have expressed negative opinions of Shethmoozian and WEB, boycotting pizza-making workshops and friendship bracelet weaving alike. A coalition is growing to protest the $14 student fee hike because of its crooked origin.

Shethmoozian declined to comment.

To All Lonely Whitties,

Come join WEB to cuddle out the Valentine’s Day blues!
WEB is hosting a cuddle puddle this Valentine’s Day to promote healthy touching, consent and care.

The Valentine’s Day Cuddle Puddle (sponsored by WEB) will take place in the Reid Campus Center Ballroom on Valentine’s Day. There will be cuddling, cinnamon roll hugs and snacks. Tickets will be available Monday-Thursday at lunch. Student ID is required for tickets. Only one ticket will be administered to each student.

The Valentine’s Day Cuddle Puddle (sponsored by WEB—WEB schmeb) reminds students to dress and act appropriately to ensure the best of times. Keep in mind that certain clothes can be difficult to cuddle in: Dresses, skirts, shorts and kilts can ride up, and some clothes may be too constricting. WEB suggests that for health and safety reasons, students bathe before and after attending the event.

The Valentine’s Day Cuddle Puddle (sponsored by WEB—how’d you know?) will be monitored by security to keep contact levels where everyone is most comfortable. If you feel uncomfortable at any time, a guard will attend to you.

The Valentine’s Day Cuddle Puddle (sponsored by WEB—no way!) will not tolerate rude and ill-judged behavior. WEB encourages all students to “ask before you grasp” because “a suggestion is not a question” and everyone knows consent is sexy.

The Valentine’s Day Cuddle Puddle (mother-fucking sponsored by fucking WEB) is for everyone. Invite your best friend, that person you just met in the library whom you’ve been staring at in the quiet room for the past three hours, that guy or gal on your IM dodgeball team, that cute server in Jewett Dining Hall or go alone and meet new people.

Come try to make a record-breaking cinnamon roll hug, cuddle lake and some friends and possibly more…

<3 WEB
(this event is sponsored by WEB)