Asking for a Friend is a weekly Sex and Relationships column hosted by Arts and Culture writer Dana Sparks and fueled by your curiosities. Click here to anonymously submit questions regarding sex, relationships and sex education.

Question:

“I think I might be in love with my best friend, but I don’t want our friendship to end. I don’t think she knows I feel this way about her. What should I do?” – Hopelessly Devoted

Answer:

Dear Hopelessly Devoted,

I’ve been thinking about your question a lot since I first received it. I want to say that it’s one of the most difficult questions I’ve received; there is only so much you can do, yet there is so much you will feel — no matter what happens. I hope my response will find you in a timely manner.

I dare to say that you are not in love with your friend. I think you’re forgetting that in reality, the part of her that you would be in a relationship with is much different than who you are experiencing right now. I’m not saying that she is fake or that you don’t know her like you think you do. But rather, I am saying that if you and her were to get together, the dynamic of the relationship will change how you interact because your roles and responsibilities to one another will change.

Begin with honestly assessing your emotions regarding your friend.

Saying that you are in love with someone is serious business.

The whirlwind feelings of attraction that we develop for others can usually be identified as infatuation, not love. However, coming from someone who has experienced both, feelings are intimidating to navigate no matter how we label them. From your friend’s perspective, it can be really overwhelming to find out that someone is in love with you — especially if you’re not expecting it.

Understanding what motivates this attraction is the first favor that you can do for yourself and for your best friend. These complicated emotions don’t usually begin in a logical place — that’s probably why people do crazy things like elope in Vegas and get matching tattoos. You need to consciously take a step back to think this through.

A general rule of thumb I use: If you can’t see all the ugly and flawed parts of your best friend, you are not in love, but rather experiencing infatuation. Not being able to see someone’s flaws is an indication that you are projecting an unrealistic fantasy onto that person. Everyone has flaws — love acknowledges them, infatuation typically does not. If you cannot see all of her, then you cannot be in love with her yet. This goes back to earlier when I said that you haven’t experienced the side of her that would be in a partnership with you.

If you’re still reading, you’re probably cursing me for calling you out, but bear with me. I promise there’s a purpose behind my answer.

Even though I am skeptical of the way that you’ve used “love” in this situation, that isn’t to say that your feelings aren’t intense or valid.

The possibility of being in a relationship with your best friend can be enticing. In fact, I believe that developing those feelings can be easy and common when you already have the emotional foundation that friendship provides. Sometimes we meet people or make a friend that stops us in our tracks. We think, “How could I not? To know you is to love you.” It is whether or not we take inventory of these feelings and process through them that matters.

The first option is not telling her — but then you are still left with all your emotions. If this is what you decide to do, I think that the friendship would be fine; however, you’ll probably need to distance yourself from the situation a little bit. I would recommend taking extra time for yourself to let the emotions simmer down. Not getting the space you need after developing intense feelings for someone can making the healing process a lot more difficult than it needs to be. Time away from one another might give you perspective on the friendship and what the risk versus reward would be for speaking up.

The second option is telling her how you feel; there are two possible outcomes of this scenario. She will either return the feelings, or she won’t. If she doesn’t, it’ll hurt, but you’ll have done all you can do. If she does, that might just turn into one of the biggest adventures of your life. Whether or not it lasts, enjoy it while you can.

I can’t tell you what to do. I’ll only strictly advise you to not drop the “L” word and suggest that your friendship with her changed the moment your feelings for her did.

Yours truly,

Dana

The post Asking for a Friend: I’m in love with my best friend appeared first on Emerald Media.

Relationships can be tricky to navigate, especially when sex comes into the picture. How do you even know when — or even if — you’re ready to have sex?

To answer that question and more, Dana Sparks, who hosts “Asking for a Friend,” the Emerald’s sex and relationships column, interviewed Maria Falzone, a sex educator and comedian who’s best known for her work teaching on college campuses.

They discussed a quote from sex educator Suzi Landolphi on knowing when you’re ready to have sex, about communicating your desires to your partner, learning to say no and becoming more comfortable with your body.

Disclaimer: This podcast contains explicit language and may not be suitable for all listeners.

The music in this podcast is “Summer Dreams” by Ryan Little. This podcast was produced and edited by Ryan Nguyen.

The post Podcast: Sex as a Conversation with Maria Falzone appeared first on Emerald Media.

Relationships can be tricky to navigate, especially when sex comes into the picture. How do you even know when — or even if — you’re ready to have sex?

To answer that question and more, Dana Sparks, who hosts “Asking for a Friend,” the Emerald’s sex and relationships column, interviewed Maria Falzone, a sex educator and comedian who’s best known for her work teaching on college campuses.

They discussed a quote from sex educator Suzi Landolphi on knowing when you’re ready to have sex, about communicating your desires to your partner, learning to say no and becoming more comfortable with your body.

Disclaimer: This podcast contains explicit language and may not be suitable for all listeners.

The music in this podcast is “Summer Dreams” by Ryan Little. This podcast was produced and edited by Ryan Nguyen.

The post Podcast: Sex as a Conversation with Maria Falzone appeared first on Emerald Media.

Asking for a Friend is a weekly Sex and Relationships column hosted by Arts and Culture writer Dana Sparks and fueled by your curiosities. Click here to anonymously submit questions regarding sex, relationships and sex education.

Question:

“Is there any “truth” to cuffing season? Like, do people really get into relationships in the colder months? What does it mean? — I’m also always seeking a relationship and maybe just want you to confirm that this is a good reason to get into one. IDK. Are people looking to cuff up with me now more than usual?” – Cuff Me Up

Answer:

Dear Cuff Me Up,

Take a look around and you might just notice that Townshend’s tea shop is overcrowded with first-time Tinder dates, men’s sweaters are going missing and you can’t help but think about cuddling.

We are in cuffing season. People are getting ready to latch on tighter than Ridley Scott’s Alien.

Cuffing season is an informal term used to describe the dating habits of society during the fall/winter months. The timeline for cuffing season is roughly spread out from September to March. Cuffing is a reference to getting into a relationship, not bondage. The logic behind cuffing season is that days are getting colder, darker and, well, lonelier. So, why not find someone to fill the void?

It appears that the term was made popular by Urban Dictionary back in 2011 and is the inspiration for countless articles looking at the dynamics of dating and whether or not it’s influenced by the chilly weather.

The most common way I’ve seen the internet trying to figure out how to define cuffing season is by looking at birthdays — which would indicate when the most conceptions are happening. The Daily Viz offers an interactive visual break down of the most and least common times of the year for estimated conception and birth.

The data compiled is made up of information from 1994 to 2014. According to The Daily Viz heat map, peak sexy season is happening in December. You’ll find that the least common birthdays take place around Christmas, New Years Eve and New Years Day. This information would point back to March (the estimated month of conception) being the least popular month for sexy time.

Interestingly enough, the spring season begins in March, signaling warmer days ahead and the end of cuffing season. But who’s to say the shedding of jackets and blankets isn’t just the start of spring and summer flings?

It seems that people are always chasing after human connection — not just you.

Cuffing season could be a relationship heyday — you don’t need my blessing to get out there and play the field. However, the changing weather isn’t a good excuse to hop into a relationship. Remember two things: people’s feelings are involved and you shouldn’t settle.

Being a serial monogamist — someone constantly seeking out being in a relationship — can be okay depending on your motivations. I think it’s common to jump in and out of relationships, especially at this age, but you should stop to ask yourself why you’re doing so.

Are you afraid to be alone? It’s okay to say yes. I think everyone experiences some fear of loneliness throughout different points in their life. I know that I have been afraid to be alone before, and it’s okay if you are right now. But, I encourage you to look critically at what that concern means for you.

The fear of being alone expresses itself in a lot of different ways — most often evident in the way that serial monogamy is rationalized. Some people argue that casual dating sucks because it doesn’t provide the opportunity for the emotional depth that a committed relationship would allow. Others argue that they are their best self when they’re in a relationship. It is easy to be in love with love and it is hard to be alone.

Relationships have the potential to fill a lot of our needs by providing emotional support, physical connection and a little bit of novelty. Still, stifling yourself with a relationship and being overly dependent on others to fill your needs really isn’t beneficial in the long run.

Serial monogamy might be stopping you from actually mourning the end of important relationships. By replacing one person with another, you aren’t letting yourself be alone with the challenge of processing your feelings and learning from your mistakes. You’re not honoring the experiences you shared with the last person — or what you learned about yourself during that season — if you’re just trying to bury them.

For all the time you give others, you should be giving yourself at least as much, and some more. Taking time for yourself is investing in yourself — it is an opportunity to face your fears, make a game plan and better yourself.

Even though cuffing season is upon us, no one says you have to, or should, participate. Good things take time and begin with yourself — regardless of the weather.

Yours truly,

Dana

P.S. There is no rule that says you can’t find someone to cuddle with while you’re single.

The post Asking for a friend: What is cuffing season? appeared first on Emerald Media.

Asking for a Friend is a weekly Sex and Relationships column hosted by Arts and Culture writer Dana Sparks and fueled by your curiosities. Click here to anonymously submit questions regarding sex, relationships and sex education.

Question:

“Is there any “truth” to cuffing season? Like, do people really get into relationships in the colder months? What does it mean? — I’m also always seeking a relationship and maybe just want you to confirm that this is a good reason to get into one. IDK. Are people looking to cuff up with me now more than usual?” – Cuff Me Up

Answer:

Dear Cuff Me Up,

Take a look around and you might just notice that Townshend’s tea shop is overcrowded with first-time Tinder dates, men’s sweaters are going missing and you can’t help but think about cuddling.

We are in cuffing season. People are getting ready to latch on tighter than Ridley Scott’s Alien.

Cuffing season is an informal term used to describe the dating habits of society during the fall/winter months. The timeline for cuffing season is roughly spread out from September to March. Cuffing is a reference to getting into a relationship, not bondage. The logic behind cuffing season is that days are getting colder, darker and, well, lonelier. So, why not find someone to fill the void?

It appears that the term was made popular by Urban Dictionary back in 2011 and is the inspiration for countless articles looking at the dynamics of dating and whether or not it’s influenced by the chilly weather.

The most common way I’ve seen the internet trying to figure out how to define cuffing season is by looking at birthdays — which would indicate when the most conceptions are happening. The Daily Viz offers an interactive visual break down of the most and least common times of the year for estimated conception and birth.

The data compiled is made up of information from 1994 to 2014. According to The Daily Viz heat map, peak sexy season is happening in December. You’ll find that the least common birthdays take place around Christmas, New Years Eve and New Years Day. This information would point back to March (the estimated month of conception) being the least popular month for sexy time.

Interestingly enough, the spring season begins in March, signaling warmer days ahead and the end of cuffing season. But who’s to say the shedding of jackets and blankets isn’t just the start of spring and summer flings?

It seems that people are always chasing after human connection — not just you.

Cuffing season could be a relationship heyday — you don’t need my blessing to get out there and play the field. However, the changing weather isn’t a good excuse to hop into a relationship. Remember two things: people’s feelings are involved and you shouldn’t settle.

Being a serial monogamist — someone constantly seeking out being in a relationship — can be okay depending on your motivations. I think it’s common to jump in and out of relationships, especially at this age, but you should stop to ask yourself why you’re doing so.

Are you afraid to be alone? It’s okay to say yes. I think everyone experiences some fear of loneliness throughout different points in their life. I know that I have been afraid to be alone before, and it’s okay if you are right now. But, I encourage you to look critically at what that concern means for you.

The fear of being alone expresses itself in a lot of different ways — most often evident in the way that serial monogamy is rationalized. Some people argue that casual dating sucks because it doesn’t provide the opportunity for the emotional depth that a committed relationship would allow. Others argue that they are their best self when they’re in a relationship. It is easy to be in love with love and it is hard to be alone.

Relationships have the potential to fill a lot of our needs by providing emotional support, physical connection and a little bit of novelty. Still, stifling yourself with a relationship and being overly dependent on others to fill your needs really isn’t beneficial in the long run.

Serial monogamy might be stopping you from actually mourning the end of important relationships. By replacing one person with another, you aren’t letting yourself be alone with the challenge of processing your feelings and learning from your mistakes. You’re not honoring the experiences you shared with the last person — or what you learned about yourself during that season — if you’re just trying to bury them.

For all the time you give others, you should be giving yourself at least as much, and some more. Taking time for yourself is investing in yourself — it is an opportunity to face your fears, make a game plan and better yourself.

Even though cuffing season is upon us, no one says you have to, or should, participate. Good things take time and begin with yourself — regardless of the weather.

Yours truly,

Dana

P.S. There is no rule that says you can’t find someone to cuddle with while you’re single.

The post Asking for a friend: What is cuffing season? appeared first on Emerald Media.

This past Saturday, Oct. 13, graduate student Matthew Van Hook was brought onto the field during the Duck football game against University of Washington to be honored for his service in the United States Army. However, Van Hook took the opportunity to honor his relationship with Makenzie Kruger by making a marriage proposal with all of Autzen as his witness.

The proposal during the game was an idea that originally came from Kruger’s mom. “Makenzie was born during a UW football game, then she attended and graduated from there,” Van Hook said.

Originally, he thought about proposing at Disneyland later this year, but decided to play along with the ongoing rivalry he has with Makenzie and the significance of UW to the Kruger family.

“I was already super excited because I thought it was all about Matt and him being recognized for his service,” Kruger said about initially heading to the field at Autzen Stadium.

The couple first went down to the field and watched the game as they waited for a time-out to be called. Van Hook threw his “O” and Kruger waved in support, reportedly biting her tongue and keeping her Husky pride.

“I’m a combat vet and I have PTSD. I don’t really like large crowds to begin with. The only way I could have done a proposal like that, is for someone like Makenzie,” Van Hook said. “I came to my own insecurities. I looked at it as not being about me, but about her.”

Kruger recalled not thinking anything was out of the ordinary until the Duck came out with a small Nike shoe box. She remembers immediately thinking, “That’s weird — it’s small. That’s not his shoe size.” Ultimately, she wrote it off and figured there must be a gift card inside.

Matthew Van Hook proposed to his girlfriend Makenzie Kruger at the Oct. 13 Duck game (Benjamin Green/Emerald)

Minutes later, as she peaked over at Van Hook and the Duck again, she stood corrected. Van Hook dropped to one knee after pulling the hidden engagement ring from the Nike shoebox and asked her to marry him.

Despite the arena full of screaming fans, Van Hook and Kruger were alone in that moment.

“It went silent,” Kruger said. “The moment stood still. I didn’t hear anything. It was surreal — blissful. I only saw Matt on the field.”

It wasn’t until Kruger’s mom showed her a video recording of the engagement later that she realized how loud the stadium really was.

Van Hook and Kruger officially started dating last winter after meeting on the dating-app Bumble. The match was made in unlikely circumstances as Kruger is a UW alumni based in Seattle, while Van Hook is completing his MBA at the University of Oregon. Kruger’s job in sales allows her to travel, which is how she was in range of Van Hook long enough to connect on Bumble.

“I never thought I would cheer for UW,” Van Hook said.

“We do have a little rivalry going on,” Kruger said, “But I would pick this Duck over a Husky any day.”

The post An unlikely love story: the couple that got engaged at the Duck game appeared first on Emerald Media.

Asking for a Friend is a weekly Sex and Relationships column hosted by Arts and Culture writer Dana Sparks and fueled by your curiosities. Click here to anonymously submit questions regarding sex, relationships and sex education.

Question:

“My boyfriend is really quick when it comes to performing sexually. I want him to last longer. What are some things I can do to help — without embarrassing him or making him feel bad?” – Rodger Dodger

Answer:

Dear Rodger Dodger,

Firstly, I’ve been exactly where you are. Secondly, I am so happy you brought it up. Before I tell you how I handle it, I’m going to deconstruct an issue here.

You didn’t say it, but I’m going to: premature ejaculation.

The Mayo Clinic defines premature ejaculation as male ejaculation sooner than expected by him and his partner. Throughout my own sexcapades, I’ve accumulated a lot of feelings around the term and what it does to my sex life.

I think the notion of premature ejacluation is pervasive and doesn’t serve a purpose outside of reinforcing expectations around performance. The pressure to have sex for as long as we think others do  — or as long as it is modeled in movies and pornography — stems from expectations that were crafted outside of our own relationships. However, good sex is what you define it to be through trial and error.

The pressure to avoid premature ejaculation is the most common and consistent source of shame and apology that I’ve personally witnessed in my intimate relationships. It takes away from the fact that sex should only ever be about the pleasure and comfort shared between you and the other person (or other people, if you’re into that).

I’m not on board with anything that breeds shame or takes away from a moment of consensual ecstasy.

Now that I’ve gotten that off my chest, it is truly so good to hear that you are aware of the validity of your own sexual desires and still aware of your partner’s feelings.

Some basic things that I’ve heard make men last longer are more masturbation, condom use and  applying pressure to the area right below the head of the penis by squeezing between his thumb and fingers. I’ve also heard of men thinking about really non-sexy things to keep their (other) head out of the game, but I don’t like this — a basic guideline to sex should be that everyone involved is present and enjoying themselves.

I could scour the internet, make phone calls and conduct interviews about male orgasms, but we’d be passing up a wonderful opportunity to talk about something more important: your pleasure.

The issue here is not that he finishes too quickly — it’s that you’re unsatisfied. You guys aren’t pursuing your pleasure as a team.

When I realized that this is something that commonly occurs, I made the decision to accept my partner’s physical ability with compassion, but without compromising my pleasure. I decided to treat my sex life as a time of worship, a dance, an adventure. With all of these, you must account for your own actions, as well as lead and follow honestly.

So, Dodger, it’s time to figure out what you want sex to really be.

What does personal sexual satisfaction look like when you imagine it? We know what it doesn’t look like, so use your knowledge of what you don’t want as you begin manifesting your pleasure.

Begin with diving deep into your own body and psyche. Learn the ins and outs of what pleasure means to you. For the rest of your life you will continue to build on whatever realizations you have now.

To do this, consider physically exploring yourself with your own hands, with a mirror, with toys, etc. as you think about what you want. Focus on the sensations. Note what movements cause certain reactions. Do you know what arouses you? Do you know what makes you orgasm? If you don’t know what feels good, you can’t expect someone else to know for you. The same rule applies to communicating this knowledge.

Once you’ve done your research, think about how you would articulate these feelings to your partner. Don’t be afraid to be the boss or step into a teaching role; these conversations can be very sexy in and of themselves. Asking for what you want, knowing how to find that and being able to demonstrate are important life skills that will continually serve you, sexually and otherwise.

Once you have a deeper understanding of yourself, you can share your findings with your partner and expand your pleasure together. Strip away the constraint of time during intimacy unless it serves a purpose, as it would in a “quickie” for example.

What foreplay brings you pleasure and keeps your partner aroused? From here you can work on how much keeps him on the edge and where you feel satisfied. Experiment with the order of events and how long certain activities last. Don’t be afraid to demand the attention that you deserve before doing what makes your boyfriend finish so quickly.

And honestly, just because your boyfriend has finished and is in the refractory period following male orgasm, it doesn’t mean that he is incapable of pleasuring you still. Ask if you haven’t already, because expressing that you want more might just be what he needs to get going again when he can. Sometimes this is a great opportunity to stay in bed all afternoon.

This probably wasn’t the answer you were expecting, but I really believe it will serve you better.

Yours truly,

Dana

The post Asking for a Friend: How do I make sex last longer? appeared first on Emerald Media.

Asking for a Friend is a weekly Sex and Relationships column hosted by Arts and Culture writer Dana Sparks and fueled by your curiosities. Click here to anonymously submit questions regarding sex, relationships and sex education.

Question:

“How do I navigate dating in college as a virgin? Seems like once guys find out, they either distance themselves from me or make it known they want to ‘take it.’” – Virgin Mary

Answer:

Dear Virgin Mary,

If I’m being honest, I’m always quite impressed when I meet someone who is a virgin by choice nowadays. There is a lot of societal pressure that pushes people into having sex before they are really ready. Good for you for waiting it out — whether due to personal belief or simply because you haven’t found the right person yet.

I’m going to start by looking at the dynamics of dating in college before we talk specifically about your v-card.

To understand your dating pool a little better, let’s consider basic demographics. According to the University of Oregon’s Office of Registrar enrollment report, 46.5 percent of our undergraduate population is male and the overall average age of an undergraduate student is around 21 years old. The same enrollment report cites that nearly half of the student population are not permanent residents.

Having pulled away the personal context and looked at the numbers, I’m struck by how young everyone is. Most people are probably still learning how to live on their own and communicate boundaries. This makes dating messy — whether you’re a virgin or not.

Real life “adulting” is hard. For many, college is not just about academics, but about juggling new responsibilities and chasing after certain pleasures with a youthful recklessness. Somehow, we don’t forget our desires while balancing school and work, but we do forget that it’s often other people that fulfill them.

The second part of your question might illustrate the idea of self-interest and sex. When a guy distances himself because you’re a virgin, it’s a failure to communicate on his part. He probably feels that having sex is an important part of a relationship. Instead of telling you that, he’s turning away and chasing after something — or someone — else that aligns with what he wants. While it’s hurtful to be on the receiving end of that, it is valid for him to consider a healthy sex life a “need” in a relationship. The same goes for you if you are abstaining; it is valid to say “no,” no matter what. I’ve found that compromising these values doesn’t end well.

For the guys who say they want to “take” your virginity, that’s just gross. Get out of there, Mary. There is no respect in the notion that a person, or their genitals, is taking something from you. Reject the idea that virginity is some sort of token to be given, and reject the people that think it’s something to claim.

Here are my three fundamentals for dating — whether you’re an aspiring sexpert or happily a virgin:

Put yourself out there

Find what you love about this community and wrap yourself up in it. This will serve more than one purpose — building friendships and cultivating your own passions provides stability and will also expose you to people with shared interests. It will be easier to start something more from there.

Be honest

When it comes to building any type relationship, honesty moves best with empathy. Honesty with the intelligence to deliver your feelings in a way that encourages a conversation is rare and loveable. It is easier to throw your needs and feelings at another, but it is a skill to recognize that each individual communicates in a different way. Being honest opens the door for asserting your boundaries, compromising and communication.

Just have fun

Like I said, college isn’t just about academics. Chase after what you want and have the bravery to experiment. Just because you’re not sleeping with someone doesn’t mean you can’t fulfill mutual desires with them. Open the door for dream dates and romance. Don’t ever let anyone tell you that you aren’t fun because you said no to having sex.

Dating, and waiting, is tricky — but I believe in you. As my friend would say, “You gotta risk it for the biscuit.”

Yours truly,

Dana

The post Asking for a friend: Virgin Mary appeared first on Emerald Media.

Asking for a Friend is a weekly Sex and Relationship column hosted by Arts and Culture writer Dana Sparks and fueled by your curiosities. Click here to anonymously submit questions regarding sex, relationships and sex education.

Question:

“I’m in a course with a GE I’ve had before. We’ve chatted during office hours and after class regularly and have a lot of substantial things in common. Can we date after this term? They may end up being my GE spring term, but I really, really like this person and I feel it is mutual. The age difference is only three years.”

Answer:

Dear GE Joe or Jane,

I don’t think it would be a good idea to date a GE, even though you are close in age and have a lot in common. In fact, University of Oregon and President Michael Schill agree.

On January 30, 2018, Schill updated the policy banning student-faculty relationships, and two days later it was approved by the University Senate. It was made effective July 1, 2018, so it seems like this type of situation might be on the administration’s mind too.

Let’s break it down:

Section 2 (B) of the policy, called Conflicts of Interest and Abuses of Power: Sexual or Romantic Relationships with Students, might apply to your question in particular, as it addresses the relationship while the individual is not directly your teacher.

“A Relationship between a faculty member and a student outside the instructional context is a Conflict when the faculty member and student are in the same academic unit, or in units that are academically allied and the faculty member has the power to make decisions that may reward or penalize the student with whom he or she is in a Relationship,” stated the policy in section 2 (B).

In other words, dating someone that works in your department of study is considered a Conflict — with a capital C — to the university, even if they are not directly responsible for teaching you.  This is because, as a staff member, they still have the ability to interfere with your success as a student.

Section 5 (B) states further that even if the relationship is consensual from both parties, it still remains a conflict of interest.

If this policy is violated, it could get really ugly.

Section 7 covers sanctions, or discipline, if someone is found guilty of violating this policy. Punishment begins with written reprimand (A), but might also result in a “reassignment of duties, reduction in salary, suspension without pay or dismissal” (B). I don’t know about you, but these looming consequences would stop me from being fully present or invested in my relationship.

I care deeply about my career because I consider it an extension of myself in the world. Initiating a relationship that threatens the professional investment I’ve made would have to be a very methodical and transparent move made with the institution in which I work.

The policy goes as far as defining “faculty,” “staff” and “supervisor,” to eliminate misinterpretation and loopholes that might have provided an opportunity for a student and GE to pursue a relationship without consequences.

The student-teacher dynamic is built on power and respect, in which the teacher holds power to keep classroom order. Romantic relationships are similar but need balanced power and mutual respect. I think that you’re putting yourself at risk by bringing the inherent power structure of a student-teacher relationship into a romantic one because their job as a teacher, and your responsibilities as a student, remain. Both positions can be negatively impacted or jeopardized by initiating a romantic relationship.

I can relate to the heart of this situation in my own way. A true connection with someone is something that is incredibly difficult to let go of and leave outside the workplace or classroom. It is genuinely agonizing — especially if it does not work out. Policy and power aside, I still can’t give you my blessing.

I wish I had better news, but sometimes it’s just not worth it.

Yours truly,

Dana

P.S. It’s cuffing season, so maybe there is hope elsewhere.

The post Asking for a friend: Can I date my GE? appeared first on Emerald Media.

The chemistry that brews between lovers during the summer has been the fodder for an endless number of novels, songs and cinema. The magic of getting lost in another person and breathing new passion into a slow summer has roots in real life, but also in expectations that bud from Hollywood dreams.

The sudden ease brought on after spring term ends can open up the opportunity to present your best self to someone else. Add a lack of responsibility within a certain time constraint, and suddenly you’re living in the moment.

In July, University of Oregon senior Courtney Capelle went to Taylor’s Bar & Grill with her friends. While she said she’s not someone who is stopped in her tracks often, this warm summer night held the exception.

“He was standing across the bar. I made eyes but not too much. I went up to the bar alone. I really tried to make myself available, but I wasn’t ready to make the first move either,” Capelle said.

Just a quickly as Capelle noticed him, he had disappeared and her friends wanted to go to a different bar to dance. She said a mental goodbye to the mystery man and walked across the street to Webfoot.

Capelle danced and drank with her friends until the clock ticked close to two in the morning.

“Everyone was about to leave because the bar was closing,” Capelle said. “But then I feel this tap on my shoulder. I turned around and it was him.”

According to University of Oregon senior Hailey Cowlthorp, a summer romance is a short, low risk fling with many expectations — most of which come from the portrayal of such relationships in the movies. The cinematic moment Capelle experienced on the dance floor with the mysterious stranger was exactly what she meant.

Cowlthorp says she remembers watching movies about summer romance in disbelief when she was younger. “I thought that was so crazy,” she said. “I didn’t think that I would ever find somebody that I would only see for three months and then never see again. Until I was in that position. It’s not only this thing where you love this person and you’re not going to see them ever again. It’s a decision to not see them again.”

Making that decision can be difficult. Sometimes a relationship just might not turn out to be what it was at the start — a chance you have to take to find out, according to Cowlthorp. This notion extends outside the confines of starting a relationship in the summer, and can be true for anyone.

“In the books and movies you see, they end up falling in love eventually,” Cowlthorp said. “But that’s not always the case.”

A whirlwind connection can’t weather the storm if it’s one that functions under the assumption that you’re going to be able to focus on the relationship all the time.

When thinking through the post-summer discussion with her partner, Cowlthorp says she starts with a single task — she creates a priority list and then makes a plan. She asks herself, “Do I see myself continuing a relationship with this person? Do I want to put in as much effort into this as I am, now that I have school and work full-time?”

Cowlthorp and her summer fling decided to move slowly into the school year and set a date to check in again later with the hope of deciding whether or not they want to be a couple.

Climbing out of the summer fling limbo starts with yourself. Capelle says to start with knowing what you want before pressing someone else for answers.

“If your thoughts are clear, the conversation will be too,” Capelle said when asked how to start the conversation. She encourages moving forward with empathy because, in her experience, sometimes honesty is perceived as confrontation even when it’s simply an effort to not get lost in limbo with someone.

Looking back at that summer night on the dance floor, Capelle said, “That moment was like the movies. I remember thinking, ‘Did I just meet my Prince Charming?’”

“No,” she said. “It was just the heat of the summer. It’s the end that isn’t like the movies.”

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