Monday night, dozens of students packed into the Dport common room to hear Piper Kerman, the author of Orange is the New Black and the basis for the Netflix series, speak about her life and feelings on the criminal justice system.

Gfriend made some interesting points.

Kerman explained that the “vast archipelago” of prisons and jails in the United States account for about 25 percent of the world’s incarcerated.

She also described the gross disparity among public defense systems across the states. Advice: don’t go on a road trip through Alabama. Kerman basically said you’re screwed if you fuck up there and can’t afford a lawyer.

More in-depth mental health examination and drug-sentencing reform seem to be her major goals in decreasing, as Piper put it, “the flow of humanity” into the criminal justice system.

Upon arriving home from her sentence, Kerman put her Smith education to use and set off to convey her experiences. From her work in communications before doing her time, she said she knew that people react most to a narrative; they need an emotional story. And so the book and the show were born.

Yeah, some people react to a story- they have a gut reaction that is intense and educational. But some people are also fucking dumb (e.g. Julianne Hough). It’s sadly ironic that the young Dancing with the Stars celeb painted her face black in order to dress up as a character on Orange is the New Black. Especially in light of Piper’s talk, you may join me in lolling at Julianne and her lame twitter apology.

Plzz note that her twitter bio declares: “Dancer, Actress, Artist, Musician! This is your life, are you who you want to be”

ARE YOU WHO YOU WANT TO BE JULIANNE? YOU SUCKED LAST SEASON ANYWAY. YOUR FOXTROT MAY AS WELL BE A FACKING MAMBO. YOU LITERALLY ONLY STAYED ON CUZ YOU WERE DATING RYAN SEACREST! P.S. IS HIS NAME REALLY SEACREST (SOUNDS LIKE AN EFFIN TOOTHPASTE OR JETSKI COMPANY)?

But actually, the deep contradiction in the intent behind Kerman’s book and show and the extent to which Hough took her costume is sad and amusing.

As they say in Hollywood, she’ll never work in this town again! But that’s probably untrue… Have you seen her in Footloose?!

IT’S NAT FUNNY!!!! Buhlud!

Give it to those in need.

You can make an appointment at most Yale dining halls at dinner time. And if you’re not living on campus, then just walk into Payne Whitney anytime until Thursday, and the American Red Cross will be set up in the lobby on your left.

If you’re against simple, easy charity, then go for the quick questionnaire you have to fill out to be eligible. It asks you about your sex life for the past few years and your prostitution habits. Gives ya a lil giggle.

but ITSNATFUNNYYUH!

The Upbeat

Love Game by Eminem featuring Kendrick Lamar

Eminem’s still alive? The question we were all wondering and too afraid to ask. But yeah, the real Slim Shady’s alive n’ kicking, and after his third facelift he’s ready to drop  his new album! Tomorrow! In his honor, I thought I’d go ahead and put up one of his tracks tonight. The quality of the video is crappy, because Eminem is v legit, thus he has a v legit copyright team that finds these leaked videos etc. BUT listen up tonight and buy tomorrow: this track featuring Kendrick Lamar is really fun. They rap over a groovy old background beat and Kendrick even sings!

The Downbeat

Medusa by Gems

The synth-y nostalgia of 80s pop, the deep resonation of some bass and electronic chords, and the classic romance of a breathy chick singing to a baritone dood combine to make the dreamy pop that is Gems. This track, “Medusa,” is actually the namesake for the EP the duo will be releasing on November 12th, and it’s pretty clear why the single is their headliner. It places you cruising through a dream-scape that only seems comparable to what I’d imagine Las Vegas lights to be like through a foggy window. Weird and hazy and kinda depressing. And with that, I’m gonna hit up a Vegas-sized XXL Diet Coke and drown my sorrows in work.

And don’t you love that artisanal shit? Also, apple cider is the closest thing to ambrosia this fall has to offer.

Consider other autumnal food n’ drank.

Candy corn: does it even taste good? A classic conundrum.

Pumpkin pie: what makes it that consistency? Really?

Butter beer: why is it nonalcoholic? You’re not fooling anyone in the muggle community, we know you wizards are a bunch of drunks. Hagrid? C’mon. HERMIONE?? Can’t even.

Apple cider: this ish is “NOT FROM CONCENTRATE.” It’s from heaven.

This nectar of the gods is the best/most organic thing Durfee’s will probably ever sell (aside from the popcorn chicken) so hop on it. Thx Durf, you made my lunch swipe worthwhile. ;)

The Upbeat

Rihanna by Clean Bandit featuring Noonie Bao

Clean Bandit may sound like a DJ, but in fact, they are a band! The four British members combine drums, strings, bass, and a sax, as well as a deck to spin it all together. Noonie Bao is the Swedish voice that tops the eclectic mix of sounds. Hope you like the track, and if not then amuse yourself with the fact that a Swedish pop star is named Noonie. What would your Europop name be? Mine would be like Bipimbap (a delicious sashimi dish) or maybe Lovelove or something.

The Downbeat

Remains of the Day in Tim Burton’s The Corpse Bride

I could not resist a Halloweenie theme! I think this movie is one of the most romantic love stories of our generation. The ONLY reason this song is in the “downbeat” category is because it’s all about death and it takes place in the afterlife. But who’s to discredit life after death or even love after death?? Not me! Especially not on the precipice of Halloween. Anyway, this song is incredible and this movie is incredible. If you haven’t seen it, then you’re absolutely nuts and you absolutely must go watch it on ABC Family. You already missed Halloweentown. 

The Upbeat

3005 by Childish Gambino

Childish Gambino, aka TROY on Community (what I really love him for), just released this new track. I like Gambino, and especially this track, cause he’s doin good things for the nerd-rap genre. He doesn’t try too hard to fit into this category, yet he still can pull off romantic raps like this, defying the women-hatin, hoe-lovin norm that is most of modern rap. But F*** B*****S get $$, cuz October Break is ToMoRrOwwWw!! And you can listen to 3005 to celebrate!

The Downbeat

Laisser Lucie Faire by Guts

In classic French style, it was harder to find info on this Parisian DJ than it is to find a squirrel on campus these days (btw, this should become a game similar to Punch Buggie (no punch backs), except whenever you spot a squirrel it can be like SQUIRREL SLAP or something). When I did finally find his blog, http://www.analoglife.fr/, Guts proved to be the coolest DJ to come outta Paris/the Balearic Islands ever, and that’s not just cuz he’s the only human I’ve heard of who’s actually lived in The Balearic Islands. He’s collaborated with The Roots, De La Soul, and Common, among others. And his self-categorized Pura Vida music is definitely chill. Laisser Lucie Faire is a personal favorite, ’cause the beat is just grand. Check out his other stuff on his blog, though! When it comes to his music, Guts has got sum serious… balls!

The rumor has been confirmed: Charlie Hunnam has left the cast of Fifty Shades of Grey. And just three weeks before the start of production!!

Reasons for his departure are unclear. But supposedly he was offered just $125, 000 to play the role. This is a SON OF ANARCHY; Obviously he dismissed that frugal shit.

But on to more pressing matters: Who who whoooooo will replace Hunnam!?

Morgan Freeman? Imagine his voice during one of the sex scenes.

Alan Rickman? Imagine his voice during one of the sex scenes.

Kevin Spacey? The best creeper in the bizz, today.

Willem Dafoe? Explanation unnecessary.

Joe Manganiello? SPOILERT ALERT: he may or may not shift into a wolf at the end.

Michael Cera? “Uh, so um… is this when we uhh, is this when we do it?”

Jason Statham? Just a complete fuckin’ badass.

Options seem slim. Who knows who will replace him at this short of notice, and honestly, who actually cares?

Oh yeah, every Mom in America (sry Ma).

The Upbeat

Embrace by Goldroom 

Goldroom is an LA-based DJ about to hit it B.I.G. He’s new to the scene, but his more sentimental style is interesting in an electronic context. He somehow manages to pull off a romantic tone with vocals yet still creates a feel-good background beat. His collaborations with Poolside and Niki & The Dove have solidified his reputation, but look out for his other singles aside from “Goldroom,” cuz boyfrand’s got some solo talent. In his bio, he claims to inspire a “steady hunt for the dance floor.” And between you and me, and Adam Goldberg à la Dazed and Confused, I know I just wanna dance.

The Downbeat

Never Seen Such Good Things by Devendra Banhart 

Banhart definitely has an interesting story: his mother is Venezuelan and his father American, and shortly after his birth his parents split up, so he grew up between Venezuela and Los Angeles. His unusual name, however, is not Venezuelan; it’s a synonym for Indra, the King of the Gods according to Hinduism. Modesty. Banhart ended up dropping out of Art School to pursue music in Europe. If the kid strayed any further off the beaten path, he’d be on the road no one’s traveled by, machete-ing his way through that yellow effin’ wood. But thank lawd he did follow that path, cause his music has made all the difference.

To continue Maude’s question: what have you done with your Monday morning? Or rather, your Monday morning about 4-6 years ago, when you were sixteen?

Well, we don’t know about Malala Yousafzai’s Monday, but her Tuesday was pretty great. Yesterday, she went on The Daily Show to grace Jon Stewart with her saintly presence. The timing is perfect, because gurlfriend finds out about her Nobel Peace Prize on Friday (as you do when you’re a sixteen year-old world-renowned activist).

Yousafzai grew up in Mingora, Pakistan, and started standing up to the Taliban to promote education and women’s rights ever since Taliban rule first banned girls from going to school in her province. She publicly condemned them on any platform she could find, including her own blog on BBC. Just last year, she was shot in the head by a Taliban gunman, in the attempt to end the powerful young girl’s fight for women’s education, and beyond that, global education.

Not only is she the youngest person ever to be nominated for the Nobel Peace Prize, but she also is the single coolest teenager you will never know. Watch the extended version of the exclusive interview to find out about her hobbies, like painting her nails, seeing movies, and just hangin’ with friends like standing up for women’s rights to go to school and publicly denouncing one of the most dangerous terrorist groups in the world.

Don’t know about you, but I’ll be writhing in bed tonight, thinking about my High School attendance record… Oh, senior spring…

Needless to say, you probably shouldn’t skip your next lecture.

The Upbeat

BTSTU by Jai Paul

Jai Paul is a pretty well-known British songwriter and producer. Some of you may recognize his song, “Jasmine”, from Grand Theft Auto V or from music blogs, but “BTSTU” is one of his older tracks. Jai is a man of mystery, because he has stayed out of the public eye. But his talent and unique sound have kept him in the public ear fer sure! For those of you who already know this song, listen again; and for those of you who haven’t heard it, download this song STAT. You won’t be able to stop dancin’ to it.

The Downbeat

Mother by The Night VI

Burberry Acoustic is an interesting project; its mission has been to expose mostly unknown British folk bands or singers by shooting them playing in interesting spaces. One of the most beautiful spaces was a London rooftop at sunrise, and it features a young folk sensation, Roo Panes (http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=agqu6XAjpIA). But “Mother” deserves this post, because the six band members combine such unique instruments to create such a relaxing song. The members hail from all over the world and could all be Burberry models. Fitting then, that Burberry Acoustic got ‘em while they’re hot (but they’ll be hot for a while by the looks of it).