Linus, you sly thing. Linus, you minx. You saved up all of Juno’s rollover minutes of snowfall, didn’t you? You’d like to snag an upgrade wouldn’t you?

Well Linus, congratulations. You’ve upgraded to the Retrograde. We all know you hated the Galaxy. Juno may be miffed, but just you wait til the next mercurial storm comes along! Urkel is gonna sneak right up on us and snag the newest android. Big Urk is saving up for the Apocalypse. Huge screen, nice specs. Apple didn’t see this shit coming!

This Monday has been particularly rough. But one listen of I AM JULIUS’s new song “OHHBABY” has restored my hope in pop music and in life after graduating.

I have a recurring nightmare: I find myself at the center of a maze of fluorescent-lit cubicles. BUT, as I try to escape this hellish grid, a giant Pacman dressed in a pant suit chases and defeats me! I know you’ve had this nightmare too. You think he’s about to offer you coffee and donut! Every time! Then you’re the donut! You ever seen the inside of a Pacman’s gastrointestinal tract? I have. Lemme tell you, the Silk Road doesn’t even touch on the “deep web”.

Anyway, I AM JULIUS proves that post-Yale life does not have to be a nightmare. In fact, the artist, otherwise known as Stephen Feigenbaum ’12, is a promising beacon for us undergrads. After graduating from our fine institution he pursued his dream. He makes electric pop and R&B music. Please enjoy his newest release, an upbeat electric sound that is actually about pining over a self-centered bitch. :)

And help me out! Our input is pivotal. Our task– urgent. Let us name the new colleges!

Here’s what I got:

Nicole?

Jerry!

Callum!!

Jessica.

Annabelle!

GINNY!

Adrianna…?

Is Tito trashy? I like Tito.

Or Jacob. Yes, Jacob. Nickname Jake.

Just throwing out ideas here, seein’ what sticks. Holler at the Bullblog with suggestions. We’re hookin up with Salovey later today.

It barely lasted a year!!

Apparently, Adam sets trends. Workers claimed that they were denied pay. Not good at all.

The community is at a loss. Sometimes, Pinkberry had special flavors such as coconut. Now, we’re back to square one: FroyoWorld or Flavors? 2BF (to be frank), neither! I’m disappointed after either experience, always! I’d buy an italian ice if I wanted to ingest fat-free, sugar-free goop!

Actually… the former. The World just introduced oreo cookie sandwiches. :)) smhl (shakin’ ma head laughin).

Meanwhile, an acrostic poem I’ve entitled, “Ode to Pinkberry”:

P urp slurp (the açai berry flavor (smhl)).

I enjoyed meeting up with friends and “chilling” inside the cool sweet shoppe.

N othin’ but love for the ‘Berry!

K aleidoscopic tiles surround me.

B etchya never did try the peanutbutter crunch! And now ya can’t.

E evvvvvrything delicious.

R umblin’ in my stomach!

R avenous… in… my stomach!

Y must u leave?

@ThingsDrakeDo did you ever see this coming?! Aubrey Drake Graham got an emoji tattooed on his right forearm. And it ISN’T the music note! Or the shrimp tempura!!

Naturally, he got the praying hands emoji permanently inked on his skin (he’s so obviously trying to get on SNL again). According to Jimmy, the tattoo has to do with Toronto and the number 6, and the number 6 has to do with Toronto. Ugh, we will never understand the symbolism behind Graham’s lonely existence, let alone behind his arm tats. You don’t even wanna know the cryptic tattoo he got on his other arm:

Every night, before Drake cuddles up and falls asleep to Something’s Gotta Give, he may read on his left forearm in small inked letters, “EVERYTHING HAPPENS/ FOR A REASON/ SWEET/ THING”.

His tattoo choices are hardly surprising, but the latter tat begs the question: who is Drake’s “SWEET/ THING”?

This “THING” obviously isn’t a real woman, because have you heard any of his recent songs? Also because have you heard of Nikki Minaj? Not real.

These deductions lead us to a retrospectively obvious conclusion: Drake is Drake’s “SWEET/ THING”. And we love him for that.

The Bullblog predicts his next tat will feature his very own lyrics. Imagine “I pop bottles cause I bottle my emotions” on his left ass cheek. Jus’ sayin.

Hold off on shitting on me for following NASA on Instagram for one sec–besides, it’s the best decision I’ve ever made. Perceive the above image. Now, this cost-effective space travel only applies to astronauts, but I betchya things are going to take off pretty fast.

!!!!!!!

Soon, I (or my children, or my children’s children) will be in space, and it will not be cyber. If I were to pee my pants in excitement, it would float!

Dreams really do come true… Wet dreams, that is.

Gym! Tan! Laundry! G, T, L! G, T! L sometimes, and T never… but G! G! G!

I don’t know about you lazy motherfuckers but my “werkout” playlist is still pumpin’ DMX on repeat. And I’m still liftin’, drippin’, and blendin’ casein-saturated muscle milks for my daily consumption. But I’ve found myself more and more alone in the increasingly less smelly Israel Fitness Center. What the F, people!

This happens every year: we all come back to school, vowing to stay healthy and hit the House of Payne weekly. Then, quite quickly, that initial swell deflates just like your saggy deltoids. Or do you not even know what those are, you pathetic excuse for a trapaholic? The gym was PACKED last week and now it is empty! And honestly, I’m pissed! Who’s gonna spot me when I finally lift that 8 pounder?? Who’s gonna watch when I finally do 123 burping burpees, 45 snitch snatches, and/or 79 kipping pull-ups in my Kipling pullover?? Or do you not even know what those are, you pathetic excuse for someone who can mildly understand Crossfit lingo?

Here are all the things I am doing: cracking three raw eggs in my mouth/on my head every morning, doing 20-25 cartwheels followed by 49 jumping jacks, and taking 24 10-minute naps every hour, on the hour.

Here are all the things you are doing: going to class (pfft) going on walks with friends (??) doing your reading (ugh).

Who’s winning, Yale? Who. Is. Winning. Get back to the gym with me. I’ll check you out from center-floor. Or you’ll probably check me out, but whatever.

Apple is set to release a brand new version of the iPhone tomorrow, and as per usual, the world awaits with bated breath.

Will it boast a Tupac hologram feature? Perhaps this new version will fold into a tiny Origami swan! What would REALLY be sick(s) is if they put old school Snake back on that puppy. Or maybe by this point Apple has produced a lil’ chocolate memory chip you can insert into your ear and munch on sometimes. Hehe, icky. One thing we can surely predict is that the iPhone 6 will have a way more secure connection with the ~Cloud~. Apple wouldn’t want to limit your nudey pics to Snapchats now would they?

Rumors abound, but alls we know fer sure is that you kids better Occupy Broadway! The 6 is gonna sell out pretty early tomorrow. Steak-out starts now. Prize? Paying a lotta $$ for a sapphire screen.

jefpijspfpjf

Does anyone know when you start to become that curmudgeonly old geezer who comments on the crazy innovations that surround us? I certainly didn’t think it was in your 20s, but recently I’ve been noticing that I live in the future I once imagined. Not convinced? Think about it:

Contact lenses. Mini shells of bifocals that go onto our eyeballs!!

The Chelsea High Line. An elevated, vegetated walkway that weaves through the skyscrapers of NYC. Get on it.

Virgin Galactic. Richard Branson took a break from being an absolute wack job to start sending any old consumer into space! In a few years, for a few millon…

Dubai. You ever seen an island shaped like a palm tree? Or the tallest building in the world? OR an indoor ski mountain?! Me neither.

Still not convinced? Allow me to introduce Utopia, Fox’s brand new reality TV show.

15 perfect strangers will be dropped at a remote location for one year. During that year, the “Newtopians” must build a government and live off the fat of the land. We’ll be watching a petite civilization develop on our TVs, androids, laptops, iPads, what have you from the comfort of our own homes. Isn’t this show the craziest shit ever? It’s the Realest World! The Hungriest Games! The Absolute Most Lost!!

Luckily, Fox is still accepting applicants. Don’t worry, we’ll be sending a Bullblog correspondent. Will we help build a fair democracy? Or pull a Benedict Arnold on everyone’s ass? Stay tuned…