Step aside, FOOT.  The Bullblog has just received word of four new pre-orientation trips that have been created, and we could not be more proud to break the news.  Here’s the list:

HAND

The “Having A Neat Dorm” pre-orientation is geared to the busiest members of the incoming class, as they’ve simply never had time to learn the basics: laundry, cleaning up, and keeping their room tidy.  Longer versions of the trip also include maintaining a sanitary bathroom, depending on where the incoming freshman will live.  Stuf2kno from HAND: use the “cold water” setting on the washer to save energy, and don’t forget to remove the lint from the dryer before drying!  A field trip to IKEA is included, so bring your Swedish suitemate for translation purposes (hi Martin CC ’16).

Plant

You’d think this would be like Harvest, but it ain’t.  For Plant, trips are scheduled to different abandoned factories and garbage processing plants in Bridgeport, CT.  Legit survival skills are a must for this trip, as you’ll have to make sure no broken glass or sewage sludge gets into your peanut butter and salsa tortilla roll.  The required packing list: a gas mask, a protective smock, lots of clean underwear and nothing else.  The Yale Health Plan does not cover Plant trips, fyi, but this policy would be a generally good representation of any care you’ll get at Yale Health for your next four years. (burnnnN!)

OIS

Orientation Into SWUGdom may sound premature but at the rate that SWUG coverage is increasing, this program will be very useful for incoming freshmen.  Pack your two buck chuck and a sleeping bag, because you’ll be spending the night at Box 63, the Zeta basement, DKE blue, and 202 York.  The only caveat: you have to read the SWUG Canon consisting of a “series of essays” from the YDN and select pieces from Jezebel, Gawker, New York Mag, etc. … Kinda like DS summer reading!  (Except only DSer’s are getting fucked on Thursday nights, amirite?)

Uncultural Connections

Wait, nevermind.  Suzy Lee Weiss didn’t get in.

The success of 50 Shades of Grey makes one thing clear: middle-aged women are obsessed with leather-laden love stories about young ladies and BDSM.  But is the inverse true!?  Are  sadistic young women obsessed with the lives of middle-aged women?!?

Apparently.  It turns out WIPS, the Women in Power Society at Yale, has joined the ranks of my mom, my aunts, and middle-aged women everywhere who have a Pinterest account.  Like, seriously?  A public social media account for an purportedly “secret” society?  You have to be kidding me.

When I think of Pinterest, I think of desserts baked in jam jars, cocktails served in jam jars, and jewelry made from jam jars.  I think of thinspiration, ginspiration, and whatever other sources of inspirations you can make up.  I don’t think of WIPS.  But I guess a website that bookmarks your links by “pinning” them is actually kind of perfect for a domination-obsessed group of ladies.

The group’s account only displays two pin boards, which is kind of disappointing.   One is called “Dom” (duh) and is a series of sorta disturbing images portraying uncomfortable situations and lots of leather.  The other board is titled “Cinco de Mayo” which is a much more familiar amalgam of recipes, cake decorating tips, and decoration ideas—in the spirit of the typical Pinterest collection.  Everything also looks delicious… ¿Como se dice “plz invite meh to ur party” en español?  I’m making a leather sombrero that says “Happy Drinko de Mayo.” Repin me, WIPS.

Will this uncovered treasure be a can of worms?  Where can I find Book and Snake’s Yelp reviews?  Wouldn’t Berzelius have the cray-est Instagram?  What would Skull and Bones’ Xanga look like?  I’m all for things that are pinteresting, but I can only imagine what other juicy society gossip has been scattered across the Internet.  Just remember to keep it secret and safe!

“What are you doing for Spring Break?” Well, while you club-hop islands in Greece for two weeks, I’ll be getting multiple check-ups, taking vitamins at every meal, and doing lots of Pilates. “Woah, Austin, health kick? Getting that summer bod already?” Not even a little bit. Quite the opposite, actually.

I went to Yale Health the other day because I wasn’t feeling too phresh. My suitemate’s got mono (now we can’t kiss, ugh) and there’s been a nasty bug floating around campus lately, so I thought that maybe I caught a virus of some sort. Upon entering, there was a long-ass line, and the nurse was like, “Um, you’re not in my gcal, so I can’t help you,” and proceeded to yell “Can we do Woodland soon?” as I made my exit. It wasn’t the first time I’ve heard that one…

But just like the last time I heard that one, I decided to accept the temporary rejection and take matters into my own hands (hello), so I pulled up a Chrome tab. To WebMD, sicko. If that crazy girl in my chem lecture is Pre-Med then I may as well be Mehmet Fucking Oz. I typed in my symptoms.

After some nights, I wake up feeling “nauseous,” so I checkmark that one. I’ve been sleeping less, so “fatigued” seems about right. I’ve started craving certain foods—no longer can I dismiss the sweet nothings of an Oreo Cheesecake Kiss—so “weight gain” is not out of the question. The algorithms of “symptom/checker™” had come up with a list of suggested symptoms, and being the comprehensive Doctor-turned-TV-host that I am, I checked those out too: frequent urination? Ask the Starbies barista how many times I’ve asked for the bathroom key. Mood swings during the first trimester? Well, Yale’s on the semester system, but I was totally moody over fall break. Missed period? WebMD even knows my #WRproblems—I accidentally made my ellipses only two periods in my last paper, silly me!

Before I could have WebMD cure me, it asked how long I’ve been having these strange feelings. Upon casually stalking my own Facebook photos to see if I could pinpoint an exact change, it seems more and more obvi that this has been going on since the beginning of the school year. I clicked submit. Only two things remained on my possible conditions: “College Freshman” and “Pregnant.”

Well…what should I call the baby? I’ll be here all of #SB2k13 tryna decide while you do you. I really like biblical names.