According to an e-mail from Tyco to loyal Tyco customers, Tyco is getting 3D printing and I cannot wait because it’s not like I’m already fed up with the fact that I can’t even get a course packet without spending an actual fortune and waiting a literal week when my professor could just put the readings online and we could be done with this shit already.  Now I can get a fucking plastic shoe printed so that I can have something to kick the multiple asses involved that are ruining my life and stressing me out!

Can a massage chair be 3D printed?  Can I 3D print a dean’s excuse?  No engineering majors could be reached because I don’t know any, and Yale’s Delta Delta Delta chapter could not be contacted because it also does not exist.

In this exclusive interview, The Bullblog caught up with Jaclyn Freshman, TC ’16, to see how she’s dealing with being a sophomore.

BB: How does it feel to be a sophomore?
JF: I’m facing a bit of an identity crisis . . . During Camp Yale, when only freshmen had dining hall access, I really began to identify with my Freshman roots. When my friends complained about the rush of freshmen ruining parties, I felt a stronger tie to my sophomore affiliation. It’s been a confusing time for me, but I’m more well-rounded now, and I find that my freshman roots really inform my view of today’s sophomore world.

BB: Do you have any plans to change your last name?
JF: Sure, I’ve thought about it. It would be the most logical thing to do, right? I was pretty close to changing my name to Jaclyn Sophomore this year, but then I realized that I don’t like the negative connotation attached to the word sophomoric.  Plus, Jaclyn Sophomore just doesn’t have the same ring…

BB: Are you going to use your last name to cheat your way into the Freshman BBQ, Screw, seminars, etc.?
JF: Maybe. Definitely for Freshman Holiday Dinner. And don’t judge me–you would do it too.

BB: What’s your family like?
JF: I have three older brothers who have all faced the same struggles that I’m currently going through.  It was a tough time for them too, but it’s encouraging to know that they all graduated from college relatively emotionally intact.

BB: How do you feel about the number fifteen?
JF: The Freshman family doesn’t like to speak of the number fifteen.  Despite the negative association, we are a family with a very healthy diet, and we don’t gain fifteen pounds every year.

BB: Has your name ever gotten you into any trouble?
JF: Facebook wouldn’t let me use my real name on my account because they insisted that “Freshman” was a fake last name. I went by my first and middle name, “Jaclyn Rose,” for a few years, and then finally, before college, scanned a copy of my passport and sent it to the Facebook support team to prove Freshman was my real last name.

BB: Do people ever get confused?
JF: Whenever I go up to register for something, and they ask for my name, they repeatedly scold me for telling them my year instead of my name.  ”We know you’re a Freshman, but what’s your name?”  It usually takes around four tries before they understand.

BB: Are you on Instagram?
JF: No, I’m not.

She seems okay, but she’s definitely struggling with the burden of her last name.  Next time you see her, just give her a pat on the back and shout “FRESHMAN!” She’ll luv that.

Tonight at sundown begins the rush process for a new organization named Hashanah, which will last until this Friday. It’s supposed to be so intense that some classes are cancelled. After a rush event called “Services” (sounds scary), there will be a Toad’s combination kiddush/pre-game of apple vodka shots with honey chasers. Yum!

Rushees should get tickets from their Master’s Office. The holidays won’t be the only high thing at the Slifka Rush Mixer tonight.

The Bullblog has received word on how freshmen tap classes for campus groups are going to be initiated.  Here’s the 411 so you know what to expect before anyone dials 911:

• The Purple Crayon – everyone covers themselves in hot wax with the help of WIPS, but no swearing allowed.
• Baker’s Dozen – there are 13 donuts, 5 handles, a pinky finger and 6 open spots in the group.  Do the math.
• Any YPU party – you are a locked in a darkened, wood-paneled room for three hours every week and have to discuss political philosophy with the heat on high and your blazer on tight.
• YDN TV – mandatory (blindfolded) manicure at JoBella and you have to sneak into the med school for some Botox to maintain that unwavering smile.
• Community Health Educators – everyone gets a spot in a condom race bracket and it is made into a drinking game.
• Red Hot Poker – you have to snort Flaming Hot Cheetos off the Theatre Studies DUS’s forearm.
• Buckley Program – mansion sleepover where you will solicit donations from the class of 1950.
• The Bullblog – you are given a cellphone number and the directions “across from Dunkin Donuts” but that’s it.

Get tapped, and best wishes!

For many lectures, section starts this week, and many seminars meet for the first time.  That means that everything you discuss will in some way be “problematic.”  Here are some synonyms to one-up the section asshole and really get your TA to put a tally mark next to your name:

• “iffy”
• “worth reconsidering”
• “in need of more attention”
• “unclear”
• “totally fucked up”
• “perplexing”
• “a touchy subject”
• “utter bullshit”
• “fishy”
• “ambiguous”
• “I got a fuckin’ problem”

As in, “I find the upsurge in media attention Miley Cyrus is receiving to be ________.”

Labor Day is important because it is the time of the year when freshmen need to start acting like everyone else. Also, is that it is socially illegal to wear white after the first Monday of September. No white after Labor Day. Ever. Pants, shoes, socks, parkas — don’t even think about it. But like, why stop there?! There are more rules that need to be followed by freshmen. Take notes:

• NO HIGH SCHOOL T-SHIRTS. This one goes out to the freshmen in particular. I don’t care if you have a t-shirt that says “Senior ’13etches”, even though that’s hilarious and a creative use of the CustomInk text tool. You’re playing for a new team now, so Yale tees only. Rumor has it that some sororities don’t even allow H.S.T.’s to be worn to bed/the gym.
• GET SOME BROADWAY BASICS. The Fab Four shops of Broadway Street are as follows: Gant, J. Press, J. Crew, and Jack Wills. Gant is subtitled “The Shirt that Dressed Yale,” so you are not enrolled until you purchase something from there. PSA: There is a J. Press sale on Gilt right now, and I get $25 for every person I sign-up so pls inquire within.
• NO ONE WEARS LANYARDS. But if you’re going to be putting anything around your neck, it should cover all those hickeys.

Follow these and your #ootd will be great every time. Enjoy your day off!

The source of many-a-Yalie’s drunk food, overpriced convenience store Gourmet Heaven has been fined by the state for a buffet of labor violations like “materially understating or concealing payroll,” according to a Stop-Work Order posting from the state of Connecticut posted in the window.  According to the New Haven Independent, beloved Adam & Co. are in trouble “for misclassifying workers as independent contractors, failing to maintain payroll records, and failing to pay employees minimum wage or for overtime, among other violations.”

Stay tuned as The Bullblog follows the story.

Everyone’s seen Business Insider’s slideshow of the 26 most impressive students at Yale right now (where was my slide?), and that’s a big deal, considering that Business Insider is Thought Catalog’s older brother that wants to go into i-banking. But not everyone knows that the real stars of Yale aren’t even here yet: they are the Class of 2017. And they’re legiterally #ridiculous.

That’s where Accepted! 2017 comes in.  It’s a collection of posts in the “Yale College Class of 2017″ Facebook group from the 17-to-18-year-old social media sloots of the world who somehow managed to get into college. Bullblog all-star Isabella already told them what not to do, so it’s their fault that they continue to embarrass themselves. In any case, here are some exclusive, never-before-seen posts for your reading pleasure (with my commentary, because guess whose commentary it is on the website):

Note: If one of these posts is yours, please come to Yale. YOU WILL THRIVE HERE. Just consider deleting the original post.

1.

“1: question: I switched a semester 2 elective course that was on my school report I sent in my application. Do I need to tell Admissions or something?
2: I heard if you switch too many classes, admissions will force you to enroll at Cornell” 

It’s a running joke on Accepted! 2017 to shit on Cornell. Also, love love love how prefrosh think they should be getting admissions advice from their peers…that’s the collabor8ive spirit!

2.

“I’m heavily involved in a local charity that supports elementary education in rural China and Tibet, and I’ve taught English in Tibet for the past four summers now. I’ve also been involved in Molecular Biology research involving Diabetes for a couple of years now. I’m the captain of my school’s Cross Country and Track teams, and I’m a coach for my old elementary school’s Science Olympiad team. And I’ve more or less spent my senior year of high school as a freshman at our local university.”

Where can I get this student’s autograph doe? I’ll be first in line when he/she arrives on campus!!

3.

“My dad wanted me to go to this person’s house that’s at Princeton who has a Princeton logo thing on his house and put a Yale logo on top of it and I’m like SMH dad hahaha”

OMG did this guy just S his H at his dad? One time I L’d my O all over my dad’s B, and he threw a fit. Txt meh, pre-frosh. We’ll be BFFs.

4.

“Well I was in this percussion ensemble from 1st through 6th grades. For a group of random kids, we were quite good and got a lot of acclaim (like, when I was in 5th grade we opened for Chick Corea). She gave us a talk once. I got to meet a lot of cool people, like her, Wynton Marsalis, Victor Mendoza. They also played with Carlos Santana once but that was before I was in it. And they’ve since opened for My Morning Jacket.”

I have heard of all these celebs and they’re all my faves. But this is pretty intimidating, since I spent most of first grade in a pants-wetting ensemble. Anyway, thanks for reminding me about Santana, because I totally forgot about his duet with Michelle Branch!

5.

“I’ve accepted my Oxford offer”

Rest in pieces, weirdo, you’re dead to me!

#Yale, right?

The Bullblog is on Facebook: Like us for good luck.

RING THE HARKNESS BELLS, because **HARLAN COHEN** (sp?) is coming to Yale to talk about sex.  He’s bringing his “Getting Naked” tour to college campuses everywhere faster than Macklemore is bringing whatever his tour is called to college campuses.  Sponsored by the FCC, he’ll be chatting about relayshes, etc. at a talk based on his new book, Getting Naked: Five Steps to Finding the Love of Your Life (While Fully Clothed and Totally Sober) on Monday, April 22 (Happy Earth Day!) @ 7pm in SSS 114, so DON’T B L8.

Some things we learn from his sneak peek teaser video:

• He’s on the road!!!  Kinky.
• He wants everyone to get lucky, but he is not a pimp.  Maybe he’s a leprechaun tho.
• “Bring your lying, cheating, awful friends to our event!”  What’s Theta’s panlist called again? (kidding! luv u girls)
• You get to TEXT your questions live!!  My fingers are SO ready.

So get pumped!  Harlan Cohen is coming, and I’ve never been more excited.