Author Archives | Austin

BREAKING: Dave Franco to teach Major English Poets

Fooled ya! It’s actually his less hot, more irrelevant older brother, James Franco. Multiple sources have confirmed.

We’re never not down to run an op-ed of yours in the Herald!

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WANTED: Sorority rush coach, stat

The other day I was looking at the Yale Student Employment Office website since I can never refuse the prospect of a good over-the-pants-campus-job (on a related note, I thought it was pronounced “federal work-slutty program” until my second semester sophomore year). On my quest to make more coin, something caught my eye: Yale is looking to hire student rush coaches in preparation for Winter’s sorority rush.

“What’s a rush coach?” I don’t know either because I got bids from all three sororities without a rush coach, but apparently in the South young women will hire older women to coach them through the rush process just like the hundred kids roaming around this campus who were the proteges of one Michele Hernandez. This phenomenon is finally making its way past the Mason-Disick Line and into Northern territory (insert joke about a Connecticut Yankee or whatever that book is called). My best guess is that such a regimen might include some serious outfit planning, how to make the perfect tower of Fro-Yo (*while wearing heels*), some conversation points that will really make you stand out during the #process, and flashcards of every athlete to get ready for mixers.

Applicants sought will be in one of Yale’s three amazing sororities, be “super super” personable, and have a penchant for Pan-Hellenism (knowing Ancient or Modern Greek is a plus!). All majors may apply, but don’t be so quick if you’re an English major. The only Pulitzer I care about is named Lilly.

xoxoxo c u girls in jan can w8 2 meet u!

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TREND ALERT: Uber to class!

Walking stresses me out because it means I have to use my legs, and my trainer knows that I’m constantly doing legs day. Thankfully, the startup economy has my back and all I have to do is swipe around on my iPhone to solve all my problems. But in this case, Uber is here for me, you, and everyone who’s totally over using feet in the way they’re supposed to be used. ;)

If you have a science class on Mondays, Wednesdays, or Fridays, text me because we can share an UberX up Prospect for the 4 minutes that the Yale Shuttle does not help. Metro Taxi doesn’t cut it. This is as economical as the time that Theta rented a school bus to go to The Place (Guilford’s fun!) and carpooling is basically like going to Rudy’s but without the fries and you’re in motion. I’m down if you’re down. Anything to make that Sc credit easier to swallow.

Why stop at class, though? Uber your walks of shame! Uber to the grocery store! Uber to Rubamba! Uber is Yale’s bitch, so let’s put it in its place.

Don’t even get me started on Lyft.

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Bullblog Tip-off: Literally making paper

Look at me now.

Because I am going to be making paper at this Historical Papermaking Demonstration being offered at the Beinecke. What’s doper than getting my hands wet in a vat of pulp tomorrow morning? At the #rare books library? Fucking nothing. Let’s get paper!

***MARIJUANA TRIMMING WORKSHOP TO FOLLOW IMMEDIATELY AFTER, HGS 301***

See you there!

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Resolved: There is a conspiracy to take over Yale University by Stanford alumni

Hear me out.

At 5:15 p.m. today, April 24, 2014, the new Master of Calhoun College will be announced according to an email sent to Calhoun students. Now, I don’t know what the usual protocol is, but President Salovey and Dean Mary Miller will be there, and that seems normal. But with Dean Miller leaving her post at the end of the year, just like Master Jonathan Holloway, there will be a warmed seat in SSS waiting to be filled. Something tells me that this will be a double-whammy of announcements, like when I immediately announced forgoing Spring Fling to study when I heard Ja Rule was performing.

I’m officially putting Jonathan Holloway as the winner of my Dean of Yale College bracket. But this is part of a larger scheme that mirrors a House-of-Cards style takeover: he’s in it to be president one day.

Richard Levin, GRD ’74, graduated from Stanford in 1968. His successor, Peter Salovey, GRD ’86, graduated from Stanford in 1980. Jonathan Holloway, GRD ’95, graduated from Stanford in 1989. Are you seeing a pattern yet? This is some real Da Vinci Code stuff.

Start placing your bets. But also start thinking of funny things to put on Venmo for when you owe me.

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BREAKING: YALE DIVESTS

@AlGore YALE IS LITERALLY DIVESTING

j/k Kenneth Wilkinson is dead and the account that sent the e-mail is a Gmail! Lol, haha.

xoxo,
the Pundits

REJOICE!

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BREAKING: Movie being filmed in WLH

Ready for my close up! (Wikimedia Commons)

Lights. Camera. A short guy with a really well groomed beard. Catered lunch. More cameras. Cross Campus.

That’s right, there is a MOVIE (commercial?) being filmed in WLH as we speak, so get the shit to 100 Wall Street for your chance at fame. Follow in Lupita’s footsteps—your dreams are valid, remember? Class of 2014—it’ll be like The Graduate! Just literally get to WLH right now if you want to get discovered because the sandwiches from Panera are getting cold.

More as this develops/I get out of Economics of Natural Resources.

UPDATE (11:34 p.m.): It seems as though there are photographs being taken with models — hopefully there’s an opportunity to show off our college-looks because I’m wearing the most normcore outfit ever right now!!!!~

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Where’s the search bar, YDN?

Ah, the Yale Daily News—am I right or am I right? If the YDN tells us anything, Yalies care about two things: searches and bars. We hate when bars close, we love transparency, and we use the Internet. Even with these comprehensive, #journalistic insights, there is a glaring irony—a controversy, if you will.

That is: where the hell is the search bar on the YDN website?

Email thebullblog@gmail.com if you have any tips.

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SPRING FLING 2014

CHANCE THE RAPPER

BETTY WHO (literally who?)

DIPLO (@clipka_ congrats!)

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BREAKING: YBB- released

In the midst of our sister publication reporting on recent YBB+ developments, the Bullblog has acquired a copy of the newly released “YBB-” (“Yale Blue Book Minus”).  It is available to the public for purchase at the Yale Barnes and Noble.  Since no one knows how to use it, though, maybe all of the people that keep crying about censorship/apps/course evals/DMM/etc. can use its pages as tissues!

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