With all of the recent media buzz surrounding his recent obnoxious grandstanding, does Ted Cruz remind of you of someone…? Oh yeah! He’s that conservative section asshole kid who both loves to dress like he’s about to go hit up the back nine, and to hear the sound of his own nasally voice. But this all sort of makes sense when you consider that once upon a time, Cruz was the head of Princeton’s debate team. While the guy likes to sell himself as a representative of “Real America,” in a lot of ways, he’s actually as Ivy League as they come. Cruz could have been in your residential college, or the kid you roll your eyes at in section.

If Ted Cruz had gone to Yale…

He would have taken advantage of the services offered at UCS.
He would have absolutely, positively been a section asshole.
He would not have won the DS award, but would have told his friends that it was due to professors’ liberal bias.
He would have been a leader on the Paul Chandler campaign.
He would have been seriously involved in the Yale Political Union.
He would have been the Chairman of the Party of the Right of the YPU… and would have only responded to e-mails addressed “Dear Mr. Chairman of the Party of the Right.”
He would have majored in EP&E.
He would have told everyone he was majoring in EP&E.
He would have applied for Grand Strategy.
He would have used the term “minor Ivies.”
He would have read Was Karl Marx a Satanist?
He would have fangirl-ed Nathan Harden
He would have told everyone that he was an EP&E major.
He would have been a regular commentator on liberal YDN Op-Eds.
He would have posted a ton in his class Facebook group before college.
He would have written obnoxiously conservative critiques of student culture in the YDN.
He would have used a messenger bag, not a backpack.
He would have lived for “cups” at Morys.
He would have just lived for Morys.
He would have sometimes worn clothes that made it clear that he shops at J Press.
He would have occasionally got really drunk in a way that challenged pre-conceived notions of him.
He would have told people during his freshman year that he was going to be president some day.
He would have asked questions in lecture at times when it’s frankly inappropriate to ask questions.
He would have stayed after class, every time, without fail, to talk to his teachers about his “outside reading.”
He would have been on first name basis with at least one College admin.
He would have sat near the front in everything.
He would have had token liberal friends who he would have bragged about smoking weed with to his severely not liberal friends.
He would have a little bit of sincere yet unearned resentment towards his rival residential college.
He would have probably not been in Davenport, but would have wished he was.
He would have sometimes wondered aloud about which kids he knew were at Yale as a result of affirmative action.

1) THIS IS REAL.

2) The picture is self-explanatory.

3) Tell me, what other flavor could these come in than white cheddar?

If you’re worried about having enough bubbly before Highlight tomorrow (#PPL), head over to I-395 near Griswold, CT, where according to the Daily Mail, hundreds of cases of Veuve-Clicquot have spilled across the highway due to an 18-wheeler crashing. Take a look at the article for hard-hitting journalism and great pictures of the wreckage of champagne crates.

From the Daily Mail:

Unbelievable moment an 18-wheeler dumps hundreds of cases of CHAMPAGNE worth $500 each across highway and halts traffic for hours

A tractor trailer carrying cases of Veuve-Clicquot Yellow Label dumped bubbly all over I-395 in Connecticut

A bulldozer was called into clean up the pricey mess

I don’t know why this couldn’t have happened at the intersection of York and Chapel.

unfortunately, the champagne never made it there (flickr/icstefanescu)

As I lay dying in my room with the fan on high yesterday, I got an email from Starbucks telling me that pumpkin spice lattes are back. Could there be a worse time for this? As much as I love the app that gives me a little gold star every time I buy a beverage, the thought of drinking something light orange and cinnamon-flavored and steaming hot as sweat rolls down my spine in section is gag-inducing. Overall, from Starbucks to Yale Dining (which is serving sweet potatoes and stews right now), institutions seem to be under the impression that they can will fall to arrive. You can’t. So get with the program, Starbucks, and stop trying to entice me with your autumn-themed fonts. I’ll celebrate a “decade of pumpkin devotion” when I’m good and ready.

Join the #PSL excitement, or not.

CPSC 457 – “Sensitive Information In A Wired World” – Because information has feelings too.
AMST 895 – “Suburbs” – To help people from New York City acclimate.
ENGL 474 – “The Genre of the Sentence” – In that part of the cafeteria, you have your unfriendly semicolon hotties.
ART 002 – “Paper” – Next semester, you can take ART 002b – “Moleskine.”
ART 003 – “Blue” – “The word “blue” and its etymological core, evocative connotations, colloquial nuance, and semantic role in different languages and cultures.” (this is the real description)
G&G 020 – “Origins of Everything” – EVERYTHING.
LING 018 – “Acquiring a First Language” – Will this fill my language requirement?
WGSS 045 – “Cross-Cultural Narratives of Desire” – Just take it.
CSMC 290 – “Christian Theology and Harry Potter” – “No credit to the major in Religious Studies.”

If you needed another reason to not go to Commons for lunch (#pigeons), here you go: there is now one of those Disneyland-style rope fences around the food. According to one dining hall manager, this is “both for crowd control and because way too many people were getting in Commons without swiping.” So basically, every time you want to get more food, you have to swipe again and pass through the fence–it doesn’t count as another meal, but the magic tracker thing in your ID just lets them make sure you’re not some schmuck who entered through a side door hoping to pass by the lax security and snag a muffin. Hey, we’ve all been there. I just don’t want to endure the scrutiny of the Commons ladies when I swipe in for the sixth time.  I want a multi-course, piecemeal, Basta-style lunch and I don’t want your judgment.

The Bullblog is on Facebook: Like us for a free lunch.

The Yale College Democrats are hosting a mayoral debate today at 4:00 pm in LC 101, co-sponsored by a ton of other organizations, including MEChA, BSAY and Roosevelt. Candidates Justin Elicker, Gary Holder-Winfield, Henry Fernandez, Sundiata Keitazulu and Matthew Nemerson will all be present.

You asked and we delivered: here’s where to find all the best food during Bulldog Days (Tuesday, April 16)

• 5:00 pm – 6:30 pm – Yale Faith and Action will be serving “New Haven’s finest pizza” in LC 211
• 6:00 pm – 7:00 pm – Caribbean dessert night at La Casa!
• 7:00 pm – 8:00 pm – The Yale Refugee project has baklava to “nibble” on at the Dwight Hall Library
• 7:00 pm – 8:00 pm – The Yale Undergraduate Ballet Company has chocolate fondue in WLH 014. Be sure to “ask questions about ballet at Yale.”
• 7:00 pm – 8:30 pm – St. Thomas More has marshmallow dodgeball (we don’t know what that is, but we like the sound of it) and a “candy buffet”
• 9:00 pm – 10:00 pm – The women’s rugby team is serving root beer floats in the Dport courtyard
• 10:00 pm – 11:00 pm – More pizza! This time with The Yale Globalist in Saybrook
• 10:30 pm – 12:30 am – The Dramat is offering “pancakes and great conversation” (lol) at 222 York St
• 10:30 pm – 12:30 am – The Yale Drop Team is serving liquid nitrogen ice cream in the Calhoun buttery
• 10:30 pm – 12:00 am – S’mores with Harvest outside Dwight hall! ps you should go because my suitemate is a Harvest leader and she’s da bomb
• 10:30 pm – 12:30 am – Pi Phi, Kappa, and Theta are serving Ashley’s Ice cream in LC 105. Make sure you don’t take all the peanut butter and nutella, though
• 10:30 pm – 12:30 am – Thai food and tea with the Yale Society for Visual Arts in Mason Lab 211, to end your night on a zen note

1. He’s the new YCC president.
2. He climbed to the Base Camp of Mt. Everest.
3. He was a Commanding Officer in the Israeli Intelligence Service.
4. He is a frequent user of “urban dictionary” because he’s oftentimes unfamiliar with some slang terms used on campus. His most recent searches include: hyfr and shucks.
5. He’s known among some Saybrugians as “the guy who fell asleep in the library with his boxers” (but he’s actually in Branford).
6. He once spent three weeks camping in the wilderness of Patagonia.