There’s a reason Kylie Minogue never made it big in the states. We already had Madonna, and without a certain degree of sex appeal or theatricality, happy, shiny bubblegum pop really has no reason to be acknowledged by anyone over the age of twelve. One might call her ’80s debut bad timing. Europe loved her, but the rest of us could only do the “Locomotion” for so long. Then along came “Can’t Get You out of My Head” with its provocative video, and suddenly it seemed like Kylie might actually have some diva potential. So it makes sense that one day she would make another attempt at international stardom. That day just really shouldn’t have been today.

Aphrodite is 43 minutes of good, clean fun and big shock love. “Everything is Beautiful” and “Put Your Hands Up (If You Feel Love)” are just a few of her intriguing track titles, truly capturing the depth and creativity of Kylie’s lyricism. Her message of true love and blind optimism is consistent and heartfelt, if anything. Though, unless your name is Raffi or your brain is coursing with MDMA, this message is just a little hard to take seriously. It’s sugar, spice and everything nice but in the Age of Gaga, even Rihanna and Christina are taking up the leather bodysuit and throwing the boys around.

Angelic voices and pretty faces aren’t going to cut it anymore. The least Kylie could have done was jump on the techno bandwagon, but her generic disco-synth accompaniment is instead depressingly dated. Thus, not only did she once again strike out at the wrong time, she went into battle completely unarmed. I have faith in Kylie the Diva, but Kylie the Flower Child is no match for her contemporaries in the US, and she’s kind of boring.