I am currently on hiatus from sex, on account of I have been courting a reluctant virgin in my spare time. One could say that I am living vicariously through this column. One could also say that I am managing to cause some sort of public embarrassment on one or more levels by drawing attention to my lack of sexual exploits. They say that those who can’t do, teach, so I am going to give a quick lesson about snagging hipsters–one of the few things I am qualified to write about (sort of).

1) Definition of a hipster

It is rare to come across a giant group of hipsters around campus, unless of course you happen to be at the Whitney dining hall, the East Quad, Walden Apartments or the Homer D. Babbidge Library. Telltale, visual signs of “hipness” include a thrift-store-chic aesthetic, vintage (or vintage-inspired) pieces, displays of androgyny, campiness to the Nth degree–generally, anything can be considered hipster fashion so long as the plebeians have not yet caught on to said particular look.

2) How to initiate conversation

These types really appreciate displays of wit, pop culture references, cats and talking politics. Therefore, if you find yourself in a position that might allow you to court a hipster babe, don’t blow it by sounding like a total idiot. Stick with what you know. Safe bets for the less culturally savvy include lamenting the fact that the Willimantic Salvo closed down last year or asking to bum a P-funk (Parliament Cigarette) off her. Extra points if you refer to the cigarette as a “bloke,” a term that is occasionally recognized locally. And if you really want to ensure knocking boots, play the pop-culture card. To quote Garon Scott, a 7th-semester English major and real-life hipster: “To hit on a hipster, find the most obscure culture-related topic both of you share opinions on. Agreement is the key.” In addition to that, make sure to compliment his or her most offbeat piece of clothing.

3) The date

Because they are nuts, hipsters sometimes bring their posse on a date. You can consider it a date anyway, if you fancy doing so. The artsy-eclectic hipster might take you to the flea market, an art museum or a Crystal Castles concert in New York City. Maybe they will ironically take you to McDonald’s; anything is hip. If he or she is a raggedy, Salvo hipster, then this bloke or dame will invite you to a party with all of his or her insane, yet attractive peers. They will use their $500 camera to take pictures of their friends to post on Facebook the next day, all while drinking Pabst. Then, you will eventually go to their apartment, or perhaps to some random’s couch for the night.

4) The hookup

Take your date to the Mansfield drive-in theater for some good old-fashioned smoking of cigarettes, and smoking of pole. For those who do not know what smoking pole means, it is when you put an erect penis in your mouth and fellate it. Why is the drive-in the perfect location for dome? It is way more risqué than your average bed, so there is a certain element of excitement. However, since your car will not be in motion, there is less chance of injury and virtually no chance of hitting a pothole, a concern to some people. Just remember: Don’t push the whole hookup idea if the other person is not gung-ho. According to 7th-semester management major Patrick O’Brien, “A girl is immediately unattractive if she throws herself at you. Guys enjoy the thrill of the chase and especially the reward if it took some effort.”